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‘Leap Day’ Quotes

Modern Family: Leap Day

317. Leap Day

Aired February 29, 2012

On Leap Day, Mitchell tries to throw Cameron a knockout birthday party to make up for a disappointment four years earlier. Meanwhile, Jay questions whether he's lost some of his machismo, and Phil sabotages his own plans for the day with his inconsiderate treatment of Claire, Haley and Alex.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Leap day is stupid.
Jay: You're not understanding the logic behind it. A year is actually 365.25 days. Every four years, we gain one day. If we didn't adjust the calendar in, say, 40 years, February would almost be January.
Gloria: That's not my problem, and it's definitely not your problem.

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Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Happy Birthday to me.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: I'm 10!
Mitchell: 40!
Cameron: I was born February 29th, and there have been ten of those in my lifetime, therefore I'm 10! It's fun.
Mitchell: It's so much fun.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I totally missed the connection. A month after the most devastating twister to ever hit Cam's hometown, I throw a party based on gay cinema's most famous tornado.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Look at this. The housekeeper turned another one of my whites pink. I can't wear this to a sports bar.
Gloria: Mm, they're to going to be looking at you, Jay.
Jay: Somebody's feeling pretty good about herself.
Gloria: They're going to be watching the match.
Jay: You meant you a little bit.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Yeah, you know, it's been a month, and she hasn't heard anything, and she's just beside herself. And then you know what else? Lily succumbed to her injuries.
Mitchell: Your aunt Lily died?
Cameron: No, the family pig. Aunt Lily was a-
Mitchell: We named our daughter after a pig?
Cameron: Could you just witness my pain instead of criticizing?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: The sooner I can start to party, the sooner I can start to forget.
Mitchell: But then again, hey, if you keep running from every reminder of the tornado, doesn't the tornado win?
Cameron: Mitchell, my grandpa runs to his pickup truck every morning because he thinks the pitchfork is gonna come back down. The tornado always wins.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hey, you survived trapeze class, huh?
Manny: Didn't happen, and common decency prevents me from telling you why. How was the soccer match?
Jay: Thrilling. 1-1 tie. One of the goals was an accident.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Ugh! It smells like puke married poop and had the ceremony in my nose.
Manny: You paint with words.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Suddenly, it all made sense. Cam's craziness all day wasn't about a party. It was about turning 40. And once he realized that, everything got much worse.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Come on, boys! It's leap day, not sleep day! Whoo!
[aside to camera:]
Phil: I love Leap Day!
Claire: It's kind of a big deal in the Dunphy house. This year, we even got Manny involved.
Phil: You're given this gift of 24 extra hours. You can't waste it at work or school. You have to do something extraordinary, something shocking.
Claire: Mm. This year, the entire family is taking a trapeze class.
Phil: How extraordinary is that?
Claire: It was my idea.
Phil: How shocking is that?
Claire: I can be spontaneous every four years.
Phil: I can't wait.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Okay, birthday boy, what's it gonna be, romcom or horror? Or we can do both and watch "Maid in Manhattan." Whatcha doing?
Cameron: Canceling our baby.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I know party planning isn't your thing.
Lily: Wow.
Mitchell: You need to trust me, Cam.
Cameron: I know, and I do. It's not like you're gonna do anything tired, like appletinis or ice sculptures. Or synthetic napkins or anything mylar.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: You know orange is over, right?

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Yeah, just a simple party. I'm simply taking Cam's favorite movie, "The Wizard of Oz," and turning our house into an Oz-themed extravaganza. Yellow brick carpet, waitstaff in full costume, and custom-made Ruby slippers for Cam. Whassup?!

Quote from Manny

Manny: So is this safe?
Luke: It's a trapeze.
Phil: Relax. More people are killed by knife-wielding strangers than from trapezing.
Manny: I'm thinking about going home now.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Well, let me make a suggestion. Why don't you sit down, I send you over a beer, my wife and I watch from over there? That way, everybody enjoys the game. Except me, 'cause I prefer a game where something happens.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: I get the impression you're disappointed I didn't punch that guy.
Gloria: Of course not. Who needs all that manly, protect-your-woman stuff?
Jay: No, see, like, right there. You're saying one thing, but it feels like you mean the opposite.
Gloria: No.
Jay: That's a "yes."
Gloria: Look, Jay, I just came to watch the game. I don't want to fight.
Jay: Neither do I.
Gloria: I know.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Buddy, what's wrong?
Manny: Yes, you've been a little off all morning.
Luke: I've been feeling a lot of stress lately. My head's all foggy, and I'm kind of emotional.
Phil: Oh. Well, I sure hope you feel better soon 'cause you really need your wits about you when you're trapezing.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] Why does he do that? Every month. Yeah, I get a little moody, but unrelenting physical discomfort will do that to a person. Doesn't he know that tiptoeing around someone like they're crazy makes them crazy?

Quote from Mitchell

Party Planner: Okay, we have a few options. I can get you the back room at Amelia's.
Mitchell: Spilled juice on the owner's white rug and almost killed her toddler. Next.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] Okay, I admit it. I wanted Jay to kick that little Dutch man's ass at the bar. But two seconds on the phone with Javier, and I remember what that stupid hothead behavior gets you. Nothing. It's better to be calm like Jay. Like Jay and me. Like Jay.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Oh, you know, actually, Pepper couldn't come because he hates boats. You know, after the Navy.
Cameron: Yeah. Oh, yeah. I guess Longinus got over his fear of water?
Mitchell: No, no. Why don't we just focus on the 30 people who are here, having a great time.

Quote from Mitchell

Gloria: Ew! It smells like somebody's dead.
Alex: Ugh! What is that smell?
Mitchell: That faint odor is a tiny, tiny blue whale who apparently has indeed died, uh, nearby.

Quote from Gloria

Mitchell: Uh, apparently, we have too many people for his boat. So...
Gloria: That's crazy. I've seen more people clinging to a floating door.
Captain: I'm sorry, lady. It's a safety issue.
Gloria: Oh, no. You're going to have a safety issue if you don't take me away from this whale.

Quote from Jay

Captain: Look, I can't fit more than as I was just explaining to the lady here.
Jay: Well, first of all, that "lady" is my son.
Mitchell: He wasn't talking about me.
Captain: I was talking about her.
Jay: Oh. Her. Oh, it's "her" now. Well, "her" happens to be my wife. You got a problem with her, you got a problem with me.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: No, Jay. I was just being stupid today. I like that you're calm, that you think first, and you act second. I need that in my life.
Captain: Yeah, so walk away, grandpa.
Gloria: [punches the captain] You know what? Nobody call him "grandpa"!
Luke: I do.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I've done nothing with my life!
Mitchell: Oh, w- Stop it. Come on. How- How can you say that? You're- You're a wonderful father. You- You- You graduated from clown college. You've been to France.
Cameron: I don't want to be 40. It's not fair!
Mitchell: I know.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Nothing's fair. Two miles from here there's an amusement park full of happy families swinging on a trapeze. That's all I wanted for my special bonus day.

Quote from Claire

Phil: Seriously? There's nothing you can do?
Pete: I'm sorry. You just missed the cutoff. How about we see you next time?
Claire: How about you make an exception and strap him in there?
Haley: Yeah, we're, like, ten minutes past your deadline, anyway.
Alex: And you don't want to make us angry today.
Pete: Ladies, uh, I really can't make any exceptions.
Claire: "Ladies"?
Alex: Seriously, Pete?
Haley: No, I don't think "ladies"-

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Best 40th birthday party ever.
Mitchell: No, no. 10th.
Cameron: Really?
Mitchell: Yeah. In fact, you're still that sexy little 8 year old I fell in love with.
Cameron: Oh, um-
[Cameron offers the giant teddy bear to a concerned woman and her son]
Mitchell: No, just go.

Quote from Luke

Phil: Honey, are you okay?
Claire: I'm fine. I'm watching- It's so sad.
Phil: Oh, no. Not today.
Luke: What's wrong?
Phil: Nothing. No, your mom's just, uh, feeling emotional.
Luke: She was like this last month and the month before and the month before.

Quote from Phil

Haley: What?! I could kill someone! No, I can't hear you! This stupid phone gets no reception in this stupid house! Aah!
Phil: Dear God, no.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: I'd heard rumors. Yeah, we all had. That females living or working in close quarters could eventually get on the same cycle. But I always assumed that was a story designed to keep women out of submarine corps.

Quote from Phil

Alex: This isn't milk. What's wrong with me today? My brain's not working right.
Phil: No!

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] It happened. Satan's trifecta. The day I most dreaded has fallen on the day I most love.

Quote from Phil

Luke: They're gonna ruin trapezing. I bet they don't even catch me.
Manny: Why are you so afraid of them? They're reasonable. Why don't we just suggest they stay home, considering they're all on their menst-
Phil: Shh! The first rule of dealing with the cycle: You never mention the cycle. You tiptoe around it. The woman's actually taken great pains to hide the monster she's become. But if you acknowledge it, that brings the monster forth.
Luke: My God. And there's three of them.
Phil: It's okay. I have a plan. It's kind of traditional for people to lean in when somebody says, "I have a plan."

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Goal! Goal! You should call your country "The Never-lands" - because you're never-
Dutch Guy: Ja, because we are never going to win. You said that a billion times. Just go home.

Quote from Luke

Claire: What is going on, Luke?
Luke: Dad staged the whole thing so we could go on the trapeze without you three.
Claire: Why?
Luke: Because B- Because- Because of this! You're all monster-ating!

Quote from Phil

Claire: Phil! Is this what you've been teaching our son? That- That women are some kind of unclean lepers that should be hidden away under sheets for a week? Do you have any idea how offensive that is?
Phil: I do, honey. And from the bottom of my heart, I am so... scared.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Yeah, I made a mistake today. But only because the three of you ganged up on me like when the Wolfman, Dracula, and Frankenstein show up in the same movie, except this wasn't awesome! I have been on an emotional roller coaster all day today. I'm afraid. I'm mad. I'm mad because I'm afraid, and now I can't even think straight because I'm in so much pain from what just happened over there! And the whole thing makes me so sad, and I'm not even sure why, and I'm nauseous from that smell but I'm so hungry.


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