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Season 1, Episode 16 -  Aired March 3, 2010

Phil must confront his fear of the dark and go in the crawlspace under the house with Luke. Meanwhile, Mitchell and Cameron are upset when Lily's first word is 'Mommy', Haley takes her driving test, and Gloria tries to help Manny over his fear of rollercoasters.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Let me feel you. Ay, papi, but you're not warm.
Manny: Uh, probably because you were cooking and your hands are warm. I better skip the party tomorrow just to be safe.
Gloria: Oh. Yeah, the party.
Jay: What?
Gloria: [whispering] The party.
Jay: I understand about 20% of what goes on around here.


Quote from Gloria

Gloria: How about we take him to the pier and go fishing, huh? Manny!
Jay: He likes to fish?
Gloria: Yeah. He comes from a long line of fishermen and smugglers. But I encourage the fishing.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: [aside to camera] The party is at an amusement park, and Manny's afraid of roller coasters.
Jay: Poor kid.
Gloria: I don't know where he gets his fear from because his father's not afraid of anything. No bulls, no heights, no helicopters, no fast cars-
Jay: But go to dinner with him and wait for the check to come. Then you'll see fear in his eyes. Like the waiter's a ghost.

Quote from Cameron

Dr. Miura: Lily looks great.
Cameron: Do you think so? Shouldn't she have more teeth? I see these kids running around at the park, and they look like sharks.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] You never want your kids to see you scared. You wanna be that rock that they can grab ahold of in a stormy sea. Actually, a rock would sink. So a floating rock. Let's start over. It's windy, and you've got a lot of papers.

Quote from Manny

[asides to camera]
Mitchell: What am I most afraid of? Hmm. Let's see.
Alex: Global warming and getting a "B."
Claire: The phone ringing in the middle of the night.
Phil: That I'm too much of a perfectionist.
Claire: Honey, this isn't a job interview.
Phil: Oh, man. Job interviews.
Jay: Nothing.
Gloria: Yeah, right. What about the pigeons?
Jay: Oh, I don't like them. They're shifty.
Cameron: Losing Mitchell.
Mitchell: Oh! Hotel bedspreads. Ooh.
Haley: Never getting my driver's license. Or getting one and the picture sucks.
Manny: Dying alone.

Quote from Claire

Haley: Then I'm, like, "There's no way I'm wearing that." And she was, like-
Claire: Like.
Haley: "Well, if you don't wear it, then you can't play." And then I was, like, "That's fine by me."
Claire: Honey, like.
Haley: And then she was, like, "Well, if you don't play-"
Claire: Like! Like!
Haley: Mom! Stop!
Claire: Stop saying "like" all the time.
Haley: You're embarrassing me! Stop it!
Claire: Like, like, like, like, aah!

Quote from Phil

Luke: I bet it's really cool old magazines.
Phil: Yeah. Or a bunch of necklaces made out of animal teeth.
Luke: Or bugs frozen in amber.
[cut to:]
Phil: What if it's really expensive bottles of wine?
Luke: Or a suit of armor.
[cut to:]
Phil: What if there's ancient Indian arrowheads under there?
Luke: What if it's gold bars?
Phil: Oh, you think?
Claire: For God sakes, why don't you go under the house and look?

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Hey, Cam. Cam, where did we get this dolly from?
Cameron: From Janice and Olivia. They brought it over yesterday. Lily loves it.
Mitchell: Seems a little frilly, you know, coming from them.
Cameron: What, because they're lesbians? That's sort of an offense stereotype, don't you think?
Mitchell: Yeah, I suppose. I'm sorry. Oh, hey, did they bring back our coffee maker?
Cameron: No. It was too big. They were on their motorcycle.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [aside to camera] We got off to an awkward start with our pediatrician, a very nice Asian lady-
Mitchell: Irrelevant.
Cameron: Named Dr. Miura. So I took the bold step of inviting her over for brunch.
Mitchell: I'm sorry. Uh, bold?
Cameron: She said no patient had ever done it before.
Mitchell: Yeah. Subtext, "This is weird."
Cameron: I didn't hear any subtext.
Mitchell: Do you hear any now?

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