Gloria: Let me feel you. Ay, papi, but you're not warm.
Manny: Uh, probably because you were cooking and your hands are warm. I better skip the party tomorrow just to be safe.
Gloria: Oh. Yeah, the party.
Jay: What?
Gloria: [whispering] The party.
Jay: I understand about 20% of what goes on around here.

Gloria: How about we take him to the pier and go fishing, huh? Manny!
Jay: He likes to fish?
Gloria: Yeah. He comes from a long line of fishermen and smugglers. But I encourage the fishing.

Gloria: [aside to camera] The party is at an amusement park, and Manny's afraid of roller coasters.
Jay: Poor kid.
Gloria: I don't know where he gets his fear from because his father's not afraid of anything. No bulls, no heights, no helicopters, no fast cars-
Jay: But go to dinner with him and wait for the check to come. Then you'll see fear in his eyes. Like the waiter's a ghost.

Dr. Miura: Lily looks great.
Cameron: Do you think so? Shouldn't she have more teeth? I see these kids running around at the park, and they look like sharks.

Phil: [aside to camera] You never want your kids to see you scared. You wanna be that rock that they can grab ahold of in a stormy sea. Actually, a rock would sink. So a floating rock. Let's start over. It's windy, and you've got a lot of papers.

[asides to camera]
Mitchell: What am I most afraid of? Hmm. Let's see.
Alex: Global warming and getting a "B."
Claire: The phone ringing in the middle of the night.
Phil: That I'm too much of a perfectionist.
Claire: Honey, this isn't a job interview.
Phil: Oh, man. Job interviews.
Jay: Nothing.
Gloria: Yeah, right. What about the pigeons?
Jay: Oh, I don't like them. They're shifty.
Cameron: Losing Mitchell.
Mitchell: Oh! Hotel bedspreads. Ooh.
Haley: Never getting my driver's license. Or getting one and the picture sucks.
Manny: Dying alone.

Haley: Then I'm, like, "There's no way I'm wearing that." And she was, like-
Claire: Like.
Haley: "Well, if you don't wear it, then you can't play." And then I was, like, "That's fine by me."
Claire: Honey, like.
Haley: And then she was, like, "Well, if you don't play-"
Claire: Like! Like!
Haley: Mom! Stop!
Claire: Stop saying "like" all the time.
Haley: You're embarrassing me! Stop it!
Claire: Like, like, like, like, aah!

Luke: I bet it's really cool old magazines.
Phil: Yeah. Or a bunch of necklaces made out of animal teeth.
Luke: Or bugs frozen in amber.
[cut to:]
Phil: What if it's really expensive bottles of wine?
Luke: Or a suit of armor.
[cut to:]
Phil: What if there's ancient Indian arrowheads under there?
Luke: What if it's gold bars?
Phil: Oh, you think?
Claire: For God sakes, why don't you go under the house and look?

Mitchell: Hey, Cam. Cam, where did we get this dolly from?
Cameron: From Janice and Olivia. They brought it over yesterday. Lily loves it.
Mitchell: Seems a little frilly, you know, coming from them.
Cameron: What, because they're lesbians? That's sort of an offense stereotype, don't you think?
Mitchell: Yeah, I suppose. I'm sorry. Oh, hey, did they bring back our coffee maker?
Cameron: No. It was too big. They were on their motorcycle.

Cameron: [aside to camera] We got off to an awkward start with our pediatrician, a very nice Asian lady-
Mitchell: Irrelevant.
Cameron: Named Dr. Miura. So I took the bold step of inviting her over for brunch.
Mitchell: I'm sorry. Uh, bold?
Cameron: She said no patient had ever done it before.
Mitchell: Yeah. Subtext, "This is weird."
Cameron: I didn't hear any subtext.
Mitchell: Do you hear any now?