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51Quotes from ‘Manny Get Your Gun’

Modern Family: Manny Get Your Gun

208. Manny Get Your Gun

Aired November 17, 2010

Before the family gathers at a restaurant to celebrate Manny's birthday, Phil and Claire race to get there the quickest, Jay and Gloria fall out over a set of missing keys, and Cameron and Mitch are distracted at a mall. Meanwhile, the birthday boy feels he's missed out on his childhood.

Quote from Claire

Luke: Don't cry, Mom.
Claire: I am not crying. Let me fill you in on a little secret, Luke. When I met your dad, I was fun too. But I had to give all that up, because you can't have two fun parents. That's a carnival. You know that kid Liam who wears pajama pants to school and pays for things with a hundred-dollar bill? Two fun parents. Mark my words. Mm-hmm.

Quote from Manny

Manny: [on the phone] Uh, yes, hello. Is Seymour Butts there?
[aside to camera:]
Manny: I never made a prank call, never mixed different sodas together to see what they'd taste like. So I knew I had to make the most of what little childhood I had left.
[back:]
Manny: Not Lutz. I'm looking for Butts. Yes, I'm trying to get ahold of Butts. Very funny. I don't have time for this foolishness.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I like being on time. It's easy, 'cause I'm organized. Not my wife. You'd think growing up in a place full of death squads and drunken uncles she'd have learned to move a little bit faster.
Gloria: [entering] Ay. Sorry, sorry. I couldn't find my earring. So what were we talking about, huh?

Quote from Phil

Claire: Honey, come on. We're gonna be late. Let's go.
Phil: Yeah, yeah, just filling out the application to family camp.
Claire: Oh.
Phil: You don't win the Dirty Dancing competition and not go back to defend your crown.
Claire: Mmm. That's right. Come on, honey.
Phil: But shoot for the king you'd better kill him.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Every summer we spend a week at family camp. It's just like regular camp, but with the family!
Claire: Yeah. I don't think that needed any clarification, Phil.
Phil: Somebody's still a little touchy about losing last year's color war.
Claire: Not.
Phil: She was on Team Blue or as I like to refer to them, as Team Blue-ser. And I was on white. And if you ain't white, you ain't right.
Claire: Phil! Have you learned nothing?

Quote from Jay

Gloria: My keys are nowhere. We're gonna have to go in your car.
Jay: It's in the shop. Where was the last place you put your keys?
Gloria: So now it's my fault? Where was the last place you put my keys?
Jay: In your hand, when I bought you the car.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Hey, Jay, on the box it says ages 16 and up. Is this an appropriate gift for me?
Jay: Are you kidding me? You were born 16.

Quote from Luke

Claire: Are you seeing this? We are making every light, and we don't even have to speed. The system works.
Luke: Mom?
Claire: I know. I went a little fast back there. But really, 40 is the same as 35.
Luke: You say that a lot.

Quote from Luke

Luke: You're fun too, Mom.
Claire: Uh-huh.
Luke: I just decided to go with Dad because I think he'd need me more.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: How come I do all the looking and you do all the sitting?
Jay: 'Cause you do all the losing.
Gloria: Oh, and you're this close of doing all the sleeping in a tent in the backyard.

Quote from Manny

Jay: That a skateboard down there?
Manny: The second thing that slipped right out from under me today.
Jay: Okay, time to get out.
Manny: The first was my childhood.
Jay: I get it!

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: I am so sick of stubborn men. You, you act like a little boy that doesn't want to accept that he's wrong. And you like a sad old man that doesn't want to be happy! That's it! [shoots pool inflatable]
Manny: You could have shot me!
Gloria: Come on, Manny. I could've unbuttoned your shirt if I wanted to. Now come here or sink! And I'm taking this with me in the car.
Jay: Vamonos.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Tell me the truth, Jay. Did you put the key in my bag?
Jay: No.
Gloria: I won't be mad.
Jay: In order to prove a point, I may have-
Gloria: I knew it!
Jay: Oh! Ow! Why did I get you such a big watch?
Gloria: Why, Jay? What point do you have to prove?
Jay: I'm trying to teach you to be organized. Your mind is scattered, Gloria.
Gloria: Your mind is gonna be scattered! Manny, hand me the gun!

Quote from Manny

Manny: They say it's going to be a rainy weekend.
Jay: They don't know.
Manny: I do. My knee's been singing all morning.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Good afternoon. Thanks for coming. It's so nice to spend my birthday surrounded by so many smiling faces. I was almost too depressed to come today. I realized I let my childhood slip away.

Quote from Luke

Claire: Come on, everybody! We're gonna be late for Manny's birthday. Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go!
Luke: I'm ready, Mom.
Claire: You sure, honey?
Luke: Yup.
Claire: Wanna take a quick peek at your feet?
Luke: Oh, come on, Luke.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Are you gonna walk faster, or should I get Lily's stroller out of the car and push you?
Cameron: Would you relax? The restaurant's five minutes away from here. Oh, free lotion.
Mitchell: Stop stopping to smell the roses.

Quote from Haley

Phil: Claire, relax. It takes 15 minutes to get there.
Claire: It takes 20 minutes.
Phil: If we take your route.
Claire: My way is the most direct.
Phil: Directly into traffic.
Claire: Your way is directly into the... suckiest way.
Phil: You wanna make this interesting?
Haley: Yeah, I don't think that's possible.

Quote from Luke

Phil: We take two cars and see who gets there first.
Claire: Fine. Fine. Let's do that. It's on.
Phil: Yeah! It is on. I'll take the girls.
Claire: Luke, your dad and I are splitting up.
Luke: Why?
Alex: Another one of their stupid arguments.
Luke: Okay. I'll go with Dad.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Prepare to be... My shoes. Come on, Phil.

Quote from Manny

Manny: How do I look?
Jay: Like Al Capone.
Manny: Thanks.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: You know, we wouldn't be having this problem if you hadn't lost the spare set.
Gloria: I didn't lose them. Somebody came in here and stole them.
Jay: And left the car.

Quote from Manny

Manny: What do you mean, I was born 16?
Jay: I'm just saying, you were never much of a kid and that's a good thing, 'cause I never liked kids.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: You ought to try the fridge 'cause that's where we found your cell phone.
Gloria: It was only one time, Jay and you know I always eat after I talk to my mother.

Quote from Manny

Manny: [aside to camera] Well, I've forgotten a lot of things in my life but what Jay said hit me hard. I'd forgotten to have a childhood.

Quote from Phil

Alex: Dad, that was a stop sign.
Phil: I'll stop twice on the way back.
Haley: Oh, good. It'll give us a chance to pick up that hubcap you lost cutting through the temple parking lot.
Alex: Yellow. Yellow!

Quote from Phil

Phil: I don't think you two appreciate what's at stake here.
Haley: Our lives?
Phil: You know I love your mother, but I think you also know a certain look she gets that says "Just listen to me.
I'm always right."
Haley: You mean her face?
Phil: Now we're getting this. If we're right this one time, then we never have to be right again. When she says, "That balloon can't carry a person, Phil," I say, "Manny's birthday."
Alex: "Take a jacket, Alex. I think it's gonna rain."
Phil: Manny's birthday.
Haley: Don't look at me. Look at the road.
Phil: Manny's birthday.
Haley: No, Dad, look at the road! There's a truck!
Phil: Sweet baby Jesus!

Quote from Claire

Luke: How come you and Dad are breaking up?
Claire: What?
Luke: It was just a little disagreement. Can't you just work it out?
Claire: Oh, sweetie, you thought that when I said we were splitting up... No. No, your dad and I are fine, honey. We just were gonna take separate cars to see who could get to the restaurant faster.
Luke: Oh, that's a relief.
Claire: Oh, you must have been feeling awful back there. I am so sorry.
Luke: It's okay.
Claire: [pulling car over] Why did you say you'd go with your dad?

Quote from Phil

Alex: Great. Mom gets to be right again.
Phil: Hey, bad attitudes lose races.
Haley: No, swerving into a curb and popping your tire loses races.
Alex: We should call the cops and say Mom's car was stolen. They arrest her, we win.
Phil: No, they trace those calls. But this is great. Thinking like a team. Good practice for family camp.
Haley: We're, uh- We're doing that again?
Phil: Oh, yeah. And this year I predict total White domination.

Quote from Haley

Haley: [aside to camera] Mm-hmm. Can't go back there.
Alex: I heard this summer, there's gonna be a hoedown.
Haley: I can't. [walking off]
Alex: Haley!
Haley: I can't! I can't.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Eight minutes talking to the lady at the stationery store and still no present.
Cameron: You know, I think a new friend is like a present.
Mitchell: Yeah, I read that card too.

Quote from Cameron

Donald: [faintly] Helen! Helen! H-H-H-Helen.
Cameron: [shouting] Helen!
Mitchell: Oh, look at that. Another friend. Off we go. Very busy.
Cameron: No. Stop. You are too tied to your rigid schedules. You're missing life. It took all of two seconds to help this nice man.
Donald: Uh, well, w-wait. There's more.
Cameron: Two seconds.
Donald: Yeah. Tell her I'm so sorry. I've always loved her.
Cameron: [shouting] He says he's so sorry and that he's always loved you!
Donald: Please come up and talk to me.
Cameron: [shouting] Please come up and talk to him! His life would be empty without you! [normally] I'm sorry I'm going off script. It just felt right.

Quote from Cameron

Donald: Oh. Too late.
Cameron: No. You know what? Give him your cell phone. I'll chase Helen down and give her my phone. They can hash it out.
Mitchell: Are you- Are you serious?
Cameron: Yes, I'm serious as a heart attack.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Maybe if you had a system for where you leave things.
Gloria: I have a system. I put down things, then I remember where I put them.
Jay: And that would preferable to, say putting them on the key holder which just happens to look like a large key?
Gloria: Stop screaming!

Quote from Manny

[Manny is combining various soft drinks]
Jay: What are you doing?
Manny: Turning back the clock. [drinking combined drink; Jay puts keys into Gloria's purse] Disgusting.
Jay: Don't judge me. You've never been married. This never happened.
Manny: I don't know what you're talking about.
Jay: That's a good man.
Manny: Boy. I'm a boy!

Quote from Mitchell

Donald: [coughing, spluttering]
Mitchell: You all right? You okay?
Donald: Well, why do you ask?

Quote from Mitchell

Donald: I dropped your phone.
Mitchell: Yeah. I was here when it happened.

Quote from Cameron

Helen: Oh, it's nice that you care so much about us.
Cameron: Without love, we're nothing.
Helen: But what about his wife?
Cameron: It was a pleasure meeting you both.

Quote from Luke

Claire: I get it, Luke. You think he's the fun one. That's why you'd go with him.
Luke: What?
Claire: You think your dad is more fun than I am.
Luke: Definitely.
Claire: Definitely.
Luke: Dad's, like, crazy fun.
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Luke: But you're nice.
Claire: I'm nice?
Luke: Well, not now.

Quote from Phil

Phil: What do we call Daddy's car, girls?
Haley & Alex: The cone of trust.
Phil: The cone of trust. Exactamundo. Where you can speak your mind with no judgment. So what is it? Boys? Your bodies are changing? Eggs?
Alex: No! No. We were just thinking that maybe-
Phil: Mmm?
Alex: If- If you're open to it-
Haley: Dad, we love you, but we do not want to go to family camp this year.
Alex: Dad?
Haley: Are you upset?
Phil: No.
Haley: Then what was that sniff?
Phil: Sniff? What sniff? I'm-I'm, uh I'm actually relieved. The day that I've been dreading uh, the day when you two finally outgrow me has finally arrived and I'm handling it really well.
Haley: Dad, are you crying?
Phil: Nope.

Quote from Phil

Alex: Are you sure you're okay?
Phil: Yep.
Haley: Oh, my God, he is crying.
Alex: I've never seen Dad cry before.
Haley: But, Dad, if you cry, then I'll cry!
Phil: I'm not crying.
Alex: We made our daddy cry!
Phil: You called me Daddy!
Haley: Because you are our daddy!
Phil: I'll always be your daddy!

Quote from Manny

Jay: Manny! Manny? What the hell? Where'd that thing come from?
Manny: Christmas. Two years ago. Never took it out of the box. "Who would enjoy that?" I thought. A kid, that's who.
Jay: Well, come on. We've got your party.
Manny: What's the point? You were right. I-I was born 16. I've lost my childhood.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Why did you want me to look again in my purse, Jay, huh? Is it because you put the keys in there?
Jay: No. Why? Did you find them?
Gloria: Yes, I found them because you put the keys in there!

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Manny, what the hell are you doing there?
Jay: He wants to cancel his party because he missed his childhood.
Gloria: The party that I have rescheduled three times changing the restaurant twice so that the whole family could be together?
Manny: Please send my regrets. Now if I could have a little privacy.
Gloria: Privacy? Esa es la que me faltaba a mi! Privacy en esta casa!

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: I know that face, Mitchell.
Mitchell: And we're walking.
Cameron: I'm sorry. It means you were right and I was wrong for trying to help two people.
Mitchell: Adulterers?
Cameron: Fair enough.
Mitchell: Actually, the most adult adulterers ever.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: What is this?
Mitchell: I don't know.
Cameron: Excuse me, Constable. What is going on?

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Oh, it's a flash mob! It's a flash mob! Oh! We saw it on YouTube. Remember? People get together and choreograph big dance numbers.
Mitchell: We should go. This is kind of weird.
Cameron: No, this is joyful, Mitchell. You, of all people, should-
[Mitchell starts dancing in the flash mob; aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Cam's right. I can be a little rigid. So when Chad from accounting, who I always thought was gay but apparently is not... Um, told me about this flash mob, I thought, hells yes! Uh, we've been practicing after work a couple of nights a week. And it's it's been a big commitment, but it's totally worth it. This dance is my love letter to Cam.

Quote from Claire

Luke: You do fun stuff. You do fun stuff. You put that potato chip in my sandwich. That was a crunchy surprise.
Claire: Nope. That was your dad. Everything fun is your dad. Second Christmas, Italian accent night, this race.
Luke: Which we could've won. Your way is way faster.
Claire: It is, isn't it? Buckle up, Luke. Today you have two fun parents. [pulls out]
Luke: Come on, Mom. You can do it.
Claire: That's right, I can.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I appreciate the gesture, and I'm not proud of how I'm feeling right now but the fact is, you cheated on me.
Mitchell: In what way did I cheat on y-
Cameron: You cheated on me with choreography, and that is the worst kind.
Mitchell: Okay. Well, it really isn't.
Cameron: You danced without me, Mitchell!

Quote from Phil

Phil: If I'd known it was my last summer there, I'd have gone for the lead in Pippin.
Alex: Dad, look up ahead, coming at us. There's Mom! Beat her!
Haley: I don't think he's in the mood for that right now.
Alex: Hold on. No. If ever a man needed a win, it's this man.
Haley: What do you say, Dad?
Phil: Okay. This one's for family camp.

Quote from Manny

Manny: I was almost too depressed to come today. I realized I let my childhood slip away. Look at Luke there, making one big straw out of three. Never change, Luke. I really thought it was too late for me. But watching all of you acting like children, it hit me I've got plenty of time left to be a kid. Anyway, happy birthday to me.
All: Happy birthday, Manny.


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