Luke: Don't cry, Mom.
Claire: I am not crying. Let me fill you in on a little secret, Luke. When I met your dad, I was fun too. But I had to give all that up, because you can't have two fun parents. That's a carnival. You know that kid Liam who wears pajama pants to school and pays for things with a hundred-dollar bill? Two fun parents. Mark my words. Mm-hmm.

Manny: [on the phone] Uh, yes, hello. Is Seymour Butts there?
[aside to camera:]
Manny: I never made a prank call, never mixed different sodas together to see what they'd taste like. So I knew I had to make the most of what little childhood I had left.
[back:]
Manny: Not Lutz. I'm looking for Butts. Yes, I'm trying to get ahold of Butts. Very funny. I don't have time for this foolishness.

Jay: [aside to camera] I like being on time. It's easy, 'cause I'm organized. Not my wife. You'd think growing up in a place full of death squads and drunken uncles she'd have learned to move a little bit faster.
Gloria: [entering] Ay. Sorry, sorry. I couldn't find my earring. So what were we talking about, huh?

Claire: Honey, come on. We're gonna be late. Let's go.
Phil: Yeah, yeah, just filling out the application to family camp.
Claire: Oh.
Phil: You don't win the Dirty Dancing competition and not go back to defend your crown.
Claire: Mmm. That's right. Come on, honey.
Phil: But shoot for the king you'd better kill him.

Phil: [aside to camera] Every summer we spend a week at family camp. It's just like regular camp, but with the family!
Claire: Yeah. I don't think that needed any clarification, Phil.
Phil: Somebody's still a little touchy about losing last year's color war.
Claire: Not.
Phil: She was on Team Blue or as I like to refer to them, as Team Blue-ser. And I was on white. And if you ain't white, you ain't right.
Claire: Phil! Have you learned nothing?

Gloria: My keys are nowhere. We're gonna have to go in your car.
Jay: It's in the shop. Where was the last place you put your keys?
Gloria: So now it's my fault? Where was the last place you put my keys?
Jay: In your hand, when I bought you the car.

Manny: Hey, Jay, on the box it says ages 16 and up. Is this an appropriate gift for me?
Jay: Are you kidding me? You were born 16.

Claire: Are you seeing this? We are making every light, and we don't even have to speed. The system works.
Luke: Mom?
Claire: I know. I went a little fast back there. But really, 40 is the same as 35.
Luke: You say that a lot.

Luke: You're fun too, Mom.
Claire: Uh-huh.
Luke: I just decided to go with Dad because I think he'd need me more.

Gloria: How come I do all the looking and you do all the sitting?
Jay: 'Cause you do all the losing.
Gloria: Oh, and you're this close of doing all the sleeping in a tent in the backyard.