New Girl Quotes

New Girl

New Girl

A quirky teacher, Jess, moves in to a loft with three guys after breaking up with her long-term boyfriend.

Starring: Zooey Deschanel, Jake Johnson, Max Greenfield, Damon Wayans, Jr., Hannah Simone, Lamorne Morris.
Recurring Actors: Megan Fox, Nasim Pedrad, Nelson Franklin, Rob Reiner, Jamie Lee Curtis, Justin Long.
Original Run: 2011-2018.

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Quote from Coach in Fired Up

Coach: I'm what?
Jess: We had to do budget cuts, and we have to let two people go, and you're my friend, and I couldn't stop it. I'm so sorry.
[The boys' basketball team runs in with a custom-made jacket for Coach]
Boy: We all pitched in.
Coach: Thanks, guys. I'm not coach anymore. I'm just Coach.

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Quote from Winston in Secrets

Winston: All right, everybody stop! Wherever you are right now, just sit down! Okay, now, Saturday is a day for sleeping, and damn it, you will not take that away from me! You, give her her scarf back. Finders keepers is not a thing. You, get out of my house!
Holly: Who are you?
Winston: Who am I? Who am I? Well, I am Theodore K. Mullins. And Nick is my lover on the down low. Tell her, Nick. Tell her how it really goes down in apartment 4D. Oh, great Negro spiritual, please come down and loose these chains on this woman! Flesh on flesh. When the lights are off, we are all the same.
Nick: Not true.
Winston: Dear lord, help me, Father! Get out of my house. Get out of my house!

Quote from Schmidt in Godparents

Schmidt: Oh, no. Ruth hasn't been signed out. Um, excuse me. Um, have you seen Ruth? Brown hair, smile that would shake the earth, hates peas?
Girl: A white man broke in today.
Schmidt: A... a white man?! No! Well, what did security do about it?!
Girl: Nothing.
Schmidt: Typical!

Quote from Nick in Young Adult

Nick: I'm using magnetic words to break through my writer's block, and it's not working. I've already folded all my shirts and masturbated six times, and I'm running out of things to do. I'm just in a real bind. You see, The Pepperwood Chronicles sold over 30 copies, Jess.
Jess: So, what, we're complaining about good things now?
Nick: It's just, my audience is gonna be clamoring for a sequel, and I can't leave those stevedores, those-those tugboat workers, those lighthouse keepers empty-handed.
Jess: You think that your audience is entirely made of, like...
Nick: Blue-collar nautical workers on the coastline of Maine. I don't think that, Jess, I know that.

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Quote from Schmidt in Shark

Jess: So you're taking her out to dinner? That's your plan?
Schmidt: I'm intoxicating a single, overworked public official with the pleasure of my company. Which I will then parlay into getting her to fix our problem. Are my sleeves even? This is ridiculous. You know, my new tailor sews like an army medic. I'm not being overdramatic when I say that I would rather sit naked on a hot grill than wear something off the rack.

Quote from Schmidt in LAXMas

Schmidt: You know what they call you where I'm from? A dirty old bitch. Dirty old "biatch." "Biatch," just in general. 'Cause I ain't from Manhattan, sir. I'm from Long Island. 5-1-6, up in your lounge, sucka.
Robert: You better calm down, or you're gonna be kicked out of the...
Schmidt: Good, I don't want to be in this lounge. I don't want to be in any club that you're a part of.
Cece: Okay, am I missing something?
Schmidt: I don't want to be in any lounge or club that you're a part of, sir. You dirty old bitch, for good measure. 'Cause I'm from Long Island, I'll take the railroad... LIRR.
Robert: You're embarrassing yourself.
Schmidt: New York, Long Island. Billy Joel. Cece, let's roll.
Cece: Okay.
Schmidt: [grabs champagne glass] Nassau County. Billy Joel, one more time. "Piano Man." "Goodnight Saigon." That's a sad one. Cry about that, you dirty old bitch.

Quote from Schmidt in The Captain

Jess: I trusted you. You took advantage of me.
Schmidt: Something wrong?
Jess: You set us up. I've done things to Nick I can't ever undo.
Schmidt: You see, your fatal flaw: communication. You won't shut up about your feelings, and the only thing this dummy wants to talk about is the Chicago Brown Bears.
Nick: It's just the Chicago Bears. There's no brown.
Schmidt: Who cares? I put a pebble in your path and the two of you cracked your tiny little skulls on it. Ooh, by the way, how was the Captain? Did you make it all the way to the spyglass?
Jess: Yes, Schmidt! And my night vision's very good 'cause my eyes are so buggy and big and I saw everything and I can't erase it from my memory.