Winston: All right, everybody stop! Wherever you are right now, just sit down! Okay, now, Saturday is a day for sleeping, and damn it, you will not take that away from me! You, give her her scarf back. Finders keepers is not a thing. You, get out of my house!
Holly: Who are you?
Winston: Who am I? Who am I? Well, I am Theodore K. Mullins. And Nick is my lover on the down low. Tell her, Nick. Tell her how it really goes down in apartment 4D. Oh, great Negro spiritual, please come down and loose these chains on this woman! Flesh on flesh. When the lights are off, we are all the same.
Nick: Not true.
Winston: Dear lord, help me, Father! Get out of my house. Get out of my house!

Schmidt: Oh, no. Ruth hasn't been signed out. Um, excuse me. Um, have you seen Ruth? Brown hair, smile that would shake the earth, hates peas?
Girl: A white man broke in today.
Schmidt: A... a white man?! No! Well, what did security do about it?!
Girl: Nothing.
Schmidt: Typical!

Nick: I'm using magnetic words to break through my writer's block, and it's not working. I've already folded all my shirts and masturbated six times, and I'm running out of things to do. I'm just in a real bind. You see, The Pepperwood Chronicles sold over 30 copies, Jess.
Jess: So, what, we're complaining about good things now?
Nick: It's just, my audience is gonna be clamoring for a sequel, and I can't leave those stevedores, those- those tugboat workers, those lighthouse keepers empty-handed.
Jess: You think that your audience is entirely made of, like...
Nick: Blue-collar nautical workers on the coastline of Maine. I don't think that, Jess, I know that.

Jess: When did it start?
Schmidt: 1:03 a.m., February 15, right on schedule.
Cece: Two months ago.
Jess: Two months? Two moons have passed since you started doing it?
Winston: Why do you start talking like a Native American when you get angry?
Jess: Two moons have passed!

Schmidt: But let me tell you something, Jess. She played you, too.
Jess: No, she didn't.
Schmidt: Mm-hmm.
Jess: No, she didn't. I filled out the form, I submitted it. Here's the confirmation, right here. "Thank you for your inquiry. We will respond in 360-500 days... !"
Schmidt: Isn't she great?
Jess: She can't just walk all over the people of the city like the Jolly Green Giant.
Schmidt: Jolly Green Giant... He doesn't stomp on people. He encourages them to eat their vegetables.

Schmidt: Okay, well, that's enough, Jess. You're sending Ruth straight to Triangles. You hear that? [mimics a chicken] That's the schoolyard chickens. And they're... and they're pecking at Ruth. And this time, they want her eyes.
Ruth: I need my eyes for TV.
Schmidt: Oh, honey, don't you worry about a thing, okay? Daddy's gonna take over now. But the clock is a-ticking, so let's start with a drill.
Jess: No. No drills.
Schmidt: DRILL is an acronym. D: Do it. R : Redo it. I: Imitate what you just did. L: Learn to keep doing it. L: Live the rest of your life doing it. DRILL, DRILL, DRILL.
Jess: Technically, that's an acrostic. [high-pitched] Sweet burn, Jess.
Schmidt: Yeah. You got me. DRILL.