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40Quotes from ‘Queer Eyes, Full Hearts’

Modern Family: Queer Eyes, Full Hearts

607. Queer Eyes, Full Hearts

Aired November 12, 2014

Phil and Claire disagree over whether Haley and Andy spending time together is a worrying sign. Gloria is pushing Manny to learn Spanish, but he would rather take French class. Meanwhile, Mitchell and Cameron meet a local news reporter who decides to make one of them the focus of a human interest story.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Because he wasn't even trying.
Manny: I'm sorry, but Spanish just doesn't seem natural to me. I don't like the way it hits my ear.
Gloria: What could be more natural than your mother's tongue in your ear?

Quote from Andy

Andy: Hey, Mrs. Dunphy. Remember me?
Claire: Andy. Of course. Come on in. You are Joe's babysitter, right?
Andy: Uh, "manny" is what we call ourselves in the child care community. But it's confusing in that house because of their son Manny. So I've been trying to get traction with "bro-pair."

Quote from Cameron

Anne Gibbs: Are you working on this, too?
Cameron: Oh, gosh. No, no. I'm just this one's husband. I'm a High School football coach. Cameron Tucker.
Mitchell: Yes. Oh, God. I'm so embarrassed. Mitchell Pritchett. How are you?
Anne Gibbs: Really? You are an openly gay High School football coach?
Cameron: I know, I know. You hear "football coach," and you expect to meet somebody that screams John Wayne. Meanwhile, the only time I've screamed the duke is when we argue over who's the cutest on "Downton Abbey."

Quote from Haley

Gavin Sinclair: Nikki, thank God you're here. Peel this orange for me.
Haley: Mr. Sinclair, it's Haley Dunphy. I was supposed to see you for the assistant job. I have been studying your work, and I have to say the looks that you did for New York Fashion Week put you-
Gavin Sinclair: Ah! I'm really too busy right now.
Haley: But I drove all the way down here. We had an appointment!
Gavin Sinclair: Yeah, I looked at your blog. It's a little too cutesy for me. I need someone with edge.
Haley: I have edge.
Gavin Sinclair: You really don't. You are literally the most wide-eyed person I've ever seen. You have the face of a cartoon lamb. Thanks for coming by, though.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Do you know how frustrating it is to have to translate everything in my head before I say it? To have people laugh in my face because I'm struggling to find the words? You should try talking in my shoes for one mile!
Jay: I think you meant-
Gloria: I know what I meant to mean. Do you even know how smart I am in Spanish? Of course you don't. For once, it would be nice to speak to someone in my own language in my own home.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Oh my gosh! Is that Anne Gibbs, the lady from channel 12 news?
Mitchell: Oh, my God! It's Anne Gibbs! Oh, I love her!
Cameron: That reaction would've been big if it was Anne Hathaway.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: So these homeless people are making a dollar an hour-
Anne Gibbs: Are there a lot of openly gay coaches?
Cameron: Oh, if the adult film industry's to be believed, they all are.

Quote from Cameron

Anne Gibbs: Has anyone ever approached you for a news segment?
Cameron: On me?! Oh, my gosh. No. I don't I don't think I'm interesting enough to do a news segment on. I mean, what would a reporter even say about me? That I'm a High School football coach with an undefeated record who's tackling stereotypes? That on my team, prejudice is considered out of bounds? That we're blitzing bigotry, kicking intolerance, and beating-
Mitchell: Metaphors to death?

Quote from Gloria

Jay: You guys wanna see something really cool?
Manny: Is it behind that old boat?
Jay: This is one of the most famous warships of all time. The "U.S.S. Constitution." Stayed in active duty 84 years. No enemy managed to board her.
Gloria: Ten seconds and she already bored me.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: That's your Spanish tutor.
Manny: I'm gonna say it one more time. I really think French will be a better fit for me.
Gloria: Your name is Manuel Alberto Javier Alejandro Delgado. How is French a better fit for you?
Manny: Okay, I'm pretty sure you threw in a name I've never heard before.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Hello.
Diego: Ah, ah! En español, por favor.
Manny: Okay, let's take it down a nacho.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: ¡Hola, Diego!
Diego: You must be Mr. Pritchett.
Jay: Jay. And I'm just glad you're here. Gloria tried to tutor Manny. There was less yelling in "The Miracle Worker."

Quote from Phil

Phil: Hey, Andy.
Andy: Hey, sir. Uh, Mr. Dunphy. Sorry. I didn't see you.
Phil: Andy, please. "Sir Mr. Dunphy" is my British name.
Andy: Oh, my you did not just think of that! [laughing]
Phil: Yes!

Quote from Phil

Claire: Haley is at a very low point in her life. It's the last thing she needs right now.
Phil: Sometimes a boy might be a good distraction? I remember a certain young lady was pretty addicted to "Ms. Pac-Man" until a dashing young gent caught her eye.
Claire: Only because you were wearing a feather earring.
Phil: It wasn't a feather. It was a dream catcher. And it worked.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Which proves, Anne, you can score with a gay coach. Wait. Uh, can I try that again?
Anne Gibbs: No, that was great. Um, how does your spouse feel about you coaching?
Cameron: Oh, this one? He's my rock. He's- He's my Connie Britton.
Mitchell: Your- Your Connie Britton?
Cameron: Mrs. Coach on "Friday Night Lights."

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Do you have any idea how insulting you've been to me all morning?
Cameron: What, because I just compared you to Connie Britton? Mitchell, she was an equal to Coach Taylor. You'd know that if you saw the show.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Did you sign something so that Manny could switch to French?
Jay: I did.
Gloria: You knew that I wanted him to learn Spanish.
Jay: I also know you can't force a kid to be interested in something that he's not. That's why I have a picture of Mitchell and his prom date shaking hands.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Uh, I'm a hard worker, I am very clean, I am eager to please, I take super quick bathroom breaks, and I will never, ever... Oh! I'm blanking on the verb! W- Uh, when you give up on something?
Phil: Quit?
Andy: I had to ask because I don't know the meaning of the word.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Hey. I think it's weird you don't like cutesy considering half your clients at the Grammys looked like they just stepped out of a My Little Pony fever dream.
Gavin Sinclair: That's good. But not at me. Never at me. Nikki, stop. There are five things wrong with Nikki's outfit. What are they?
Haley: Uh, she's standing right there.
Nikki: I'm dressed better than she is.
Haley: The tank gives you a uniboob. The watch is too big. The harem pants, the wedge boots, and come on, that belt? The '90s have been out for three years. And that's five. Now should I do you?

Quote from Alex

Alex: Claire? The words on the page are vibrating, and I can't make them stop. I forgot how to read!

Quote from Phil

Phil: I don't think she's getting enough sleep. Look at her. She's like a human Roomba.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Well, what were you doing at 20?
Claire: Me? I was getting a 4.0 in college. I was working 25 hours a week. I was volunteering at a suicide hotline. [shouting at Haley] Get off the couch! Do something with your life!
Phil: Was it an assisted suicide hotline?

Quote from Lily

Lily: Daddy, my doll won't stop crying.
Mitchell: Oh, honey, did you try the "off" switch?
Lily: Of course I tried the "off" switch!
Mitchell: Lily!
Lily: Sorry I snapped. She's been like this all day.
Mitchell: [hits the doll against a table] There you go. That never worked on you.
Lily: Ha ha.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Traditionally, the varsity coach and his wife cook a big pancake breakfast for the football team for homecoming.
Mitchell: I do not like where this is going.
Cameron: Well, let me finish.
Mitchell: Okay, continue.
Cameron: How would you feel if you and I cooked a big pancake breakfast for the varsity football team?
Mitchell: Did you think that that was a twist?
Cameron: Mitchell, please.
Mitchell: No! No, unless you can convince Tom Brady to spend the night, I am not making breakfast for any football players. He- He is a football player, right?

Quote from Manny

Manny: You know, after you showed us that cool model, I started reading up on the "U.S.S. Constitution." Quite a ship in its day. Then, of course they invented steam ships. Your old sailing frigates just couldn't compete with those younger, faster, steamier models in the water.
Jay: You know, it's too bad you don't spend as much time on your Spanish homework as you do online finding passive-aggressive ways of using my hobbies against me. What's this?
Manny: Permission slip. Lets me transfer into French. Only one parent signature required. Come on, Jay. I can't take it anymore. I quit.
Jay: You're already starting to sound French.

Quote from Phil

Haley: Did anyone see my leopard print skirt?
Phil: I saw a leopard headband on the stairs.
Haley: That's it.
Claire: Alex is gonna be fine. That's the one I'm worried about. I'm gonna go talk to her.
Phil: I can't believe I just went power-walking with her skirt on my head.

Quote from Haley

Claire: Haley, honey, I wanted to talk to you about this whole thing with Andy.
Haley: What's there to talk about?
Claire: Well, I'm concerned that it is distracting you from what's really important.
Haley: Oh, Mom, there's nothing to worry about. You know, it's just sex.
Claire: What?
Haley: Purely physical. It's really just a stress-reliever.
Claire: [gasps] Oh.
[aside to camera:]
Haley: I am not having sex with Andy. We're just friends. I'm helping him prep for a job interview that he doesn't want anybody to know about. The whole sex thing was the fastest way to end the conversation with my mother.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Uh, are there any more questions?
Claire: No.
Haley: Okay, cool. Oh, that's him. Hey! Oh, you look so good! Come inside. Are you ready?
Andy: Yeah. I saw some stuff online, so I got a couple new things I wanna try out.
Haley: Let's do it!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I have always supported your job and know how important it is.
Mitchell: Really? What's my new case about? The only one I was talking about for three weeks.
Cameron: People who need people.
Mitchell: Are they lucky, Cam? Are they the luckiest people in the world?

Quote from Mitchell

Lily: Daddy, she won't stop crying again.
Mitchell: [holding Lily's crying doll] One second, honey. Look, Cam, I love you very much, but I resent the way you're treating me today. Okay, I am not some 1950s housewife.
[Mitchell hits the doll's head against the wall]

Quote from Manny

Manny: Whatever the Spanish word is for "women," am I right?

Quote from Andy

Phil: Mother nature!
Andy: Cheez-its!
Phil: Andy. I did not know you were there.
Andy: Sorry. Stupid little cat feet.

Quote from Phil

Andy: Mr. Dunphy, I love being a manny, but I can't do it forever. I just didn't know what the next chapter should be, but then I met a guy named Phil Dunphy.
Phil: What?
Andy: A guy who loves what he does, and a guy who provided all this for his family. And then I realized, a career in real estate is what I want. And I was hoping I could learn from the best.
Phil: Skip Woosnum? Um, I can put in a call. He doesn't really get back-
Andy: No. You.
Phil: Andy, I'm- I'm so flattered. I'm, uh, I'm just not in the market for an assistant right now.
Andy: Yeah. Stupid. That was stupid to even ask. Thank you so much for your time. [walks away]
Phil: Lesson number one: Never take "no" for an answer! Now make me buy you.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Andy, do you think this is a great idea, considering that you and Haley are... You know... Doing it.
Andy: Mother nature!
Phil: Cheez-its!

Quote from Andy

Claire: Haley has a job interview?
Andy: That's where she is right now.
Phil: With who?
Andy: Gavin Sinclair. The big-time stylist to the stars? He's the one that slapped Katie Couric.
Claire: Wow.
Phil: Oh.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I felt awful after that pancake breakfast, and not just because Mitchell undercooked the bacon.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Listen, I'm sorry I let Manny switch over to French without consulting you. I didn't think how it must be for you having to speak English all the time.
Gloria: You have no idea.
Jay: Anyway, I just wanted to tell you I hired the tutor back.
Gloria: Manny's not gonna like that. He's too much into his French thing.
Jay: The tutor's not for Manny. It's for me. [haltingly] Quiero decir, te amo en todos los idiomas que conoces. ["I want to say, I love you in every language you know."]
Gloria: Ay, Jay, I love it! Now you sound like the stupid one!

Quote from Cameron

Anne Gibbs: So tell me, coach, how does this victory feel?
Cameron: Well, it feels great. Obviously, I feel like the belle of the football. Don liked that one. Don's laughing.
Anne Gibbs: It's pretty groundbreaking how this school has embraced you.
Cameron: Well, I'm grateful to this school, you know, and the kids and the parents. But, um, you know, I gotta say, I'm most grateful for- For this guy right here, my husband. Uh, Mitchell. Mitchell Pritchett.
Mitchell: Hi.
Cameron: He's an attorney who is the voice for people without one. He is a-a real hero who doesn't get the credit he deserves. Today, I went down and I watched him in the courtroom.
Mitchell: I knew that was you. I recognized your ringtone.
Cameron: I'm building to something. You know, yeah, I get a lot of attention, you know, coaching this game. But this man right here quietly defends the rights of real people with real problems. Homeless people forced to get jobs.
Mitchell: No, that's not it. That's not it, but it was so close.
Cameron: [sobbing] Yes, I am standing here boldly abolishing gay stereotypes. But... My makeup's running, isn't it?

Quote from Haley

Haley: [in her car] "'Kay"? Who says "'kay"?! You're so stupid! [horn honks] Go! Go around! Go around! I'm not going anywhere! I'm not going anywhere! I am not going anywhere! I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere. Mr. Gavin Sinclair, I'm not going anywhere. You're about to see me. I'm gonna show you I'm not going anywhere! I'm not going anywhere.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: I just love that we're here. Is there anything more important than clean water in developing countries?
Mitchell: Or a clean glass in this one?


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