Gloria: Because he wasn't even trying.
Manny: I'm sorry, but Spanish just doesn't seem natural to me. I don't like the way it hits my ear.
Gloria: What could be more natural than your mother's tongue in your ear?

Andy: Hey, Mrs. Dunphy. Remember me?
Claire: Andy. Of course. Come on in. You are Joe's babysitter, right?
Andy: Uh, "manny" is what we call ourselves in the child care community. But it's confusing in that house because of their son Manny. So I've been trying to get traction with "bro-pair."

Anne Gibbs: Are you working on this, too?
Cameron: Oh, gosh. No, no. I'm just this one's husband. I'm a High School football coach. Cameron Tucker.
Mitchell: Yes. Oh, God. I'm so embarrassed. Mitchell Pritchett. How are you?
Anne Gibbs: Really? You are an openly gay High School football coach?
Cameron: I know, I know. You hear "football coach," and you expect to meet somebody that screams John Wayne. Meanwhile, the only time I've screamed the duke is when we argue over who's the cutest on "Downton Abbey."

Gavin Sinclair: Nikki, thank God you're here. Peel this orange for me.
Haley: Mr. Sinclair, it's Haley Dunphy. I was supposed to see you for the assistant job. I have been studying your work, and I have to say the looks that you did for New York Fashion Week put you-
Gavin Sinclair: Ah! I'm really too busy right now.
Haley: But I drove all the way down here. We had an appointment!
Gavin Sinclair: Yeah, I looked at your blog. It's a little too cutesy for me. I need someone with edge.
Haley: I have edge.
Gavin Sinclair: You really don't. You are literally the most wide-eyed person I've ever seen. You have the face of a cartoon lamb. Thanks for coming by, though.

Gloria: Do you know how frustrating it is to have to translate everything in my head before I say it? To have people laugh in my face because I'm struggling to find the words? You should try talking in my shoes for one mile!
Jay: I think you meant-
Gloria: I know what I meant to mean. Do you even know how smart I am in Spanish? Of course you don't. For once, it would be nice to speak to someone in my own language in my own home.

Haley: [in her car, talking to herself] "'Kay"? Who says "'kay"?! You're so stupid! [horn honks] Go! Go around! Go around! I'm not going anywhere! I'm not going anywhere! I am not going anywhere! I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere. Mr. Gavin Sinclair, I'm not going anywhere. You're about to see me. I'm gonna show you I'm not going anywhere! I'm not going anywhere.

Jay: You guys wanna see something really cool?
Manny: Is it behind that old boat?
Jay: This is one of the most famous warships of all time. The "U.S.S. Constitution." Stayed in active duty 84 years. No enemy managed to board her.
Gloria: Ten seconds and she already bored me.

Haley: Hey. I think it's weird you don't like cutesy considering half your clients at the Grammys looked like they just stepped out of a My Little Pony fever dream.
Gavin Sinclair: That's good. But not at me. Never at me. Nikki, stop. There are five things wrong with Nikki's outfit. What are they?
Haley: Uh, she's standing right there.
Nikki: I'm dressed better than she is.
Haley: The tank gives you a uniboob. The watch is too big. The harem pants, the wedge boots, and come on, that belt? The '90s have been out for three years. And that's five. Now should I do you?

Alex: Claire? The words on the page are vibrating, and I can't make them stop. I forgot how to read!

Cameron: Oh my gosh! Is that Anne Gibbs, the lady from channel 12 news?
Mitchell: Oh, my God! It's Anne Gibbs! Oh, I love her!
Cameron: That reaction would've been big if it was Anne Hathaway.