[asides to camera:]
Alex: What's the most irritating thing my parents say to me?
Manny: "That's too much cologne."
Haley: "That's how girls end up dead."
Luke: "Don't talk black to me."
Manny: "It's inappropriate because she's your teacher."
Luke: "How do you even talk black? End words with 'izzle'"?
Alex: [o.s.] It's "talk back," you idiot.
Luke: Oh.

Luke: Why did he paint The Starry Night? Maybe because the sky is beautiful, and everybody likes looking at it, and it reminds us that something's up there watching over all of us- Aliens, who could be here in a second to liquefy us and use us as fuel. So wake up, people. We're next.
Alex: Mom! You better get down here!

Luke: What are you gonna do when he drives by?
Claire: I'm gonna tell him to slow down.
Luke: I think you should drag him out of his car and we all get turns punching him in the stomach until he barfs.
Claire: Honey, I think I'm just gonna turn over his license plate to the police.
Luke: Please. Order a pizza and call the cops. We'll see who gets here first.

Luke: Will you hurry up?
Manny: I'm saving my strength because if we don't find this helicopter, I'm walking to Canada.
Luke: [scoffs] Hope you like taxes.

Cameron: Okay, let me ask you something. Today, at a stoplight, a guy ran into our car, and then just took off. I wanted to chase after him. Mitchell-
Mitchell: Kept a level head and called the police.
Luke: Pfft. Police. Aren't they too busy winning the war on drugs?

Luke: [aside to camera] For many, a near-miss with death is a wake-up call. But when a man misses his own near-miss, he truly sees what he's been missing. No more putting my dreams on hold. Five years ago, I made a bucket list. It was time to start crossing things off.

Haley: Okay, so after a quick scan of his Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Pinterest, and Instagram, here is what I know.
Luke: Privacy is dead?

Phil: But all the girls at work love it when I bring Luke by. Especially that receptionist Heather. Right, buddy?
Luke: She smells amazing.
Claire: Well, honey, you're gonna have to smell Daddy's receptionist some other time.
Luke: Like peaches.
Alex: If you're both going out, who's taking me to cello?
Luke: One time, she gave me a Woody.
Claire: Sweet Je-
Luke: She remembered he's my favorite character from Toy Story.
Claire: She did.

Gloria: That's the problem with Americans. They expect all of us to know their language, but they don't even make the effort to learn ours.
Walt: Win a war sometime. Then we'll start talking like you.
Luke: Ha. So wrong.

Lily: What does this do?
Luke: I don't know, but thanks to Obama, you're paying for it.