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34Quotes from ‘The Day Alex Left for College’

Modern Family: The Day Alex Left for College

702. The Day Alex Left for College

Aired September 30, 2015

Phil and Claire feel their children moving away from them when Alex lies about the date she's moving to college to avoid a big fuss, and Luke seems less than thrilled to spend the day with Phil at an open house. Meanwhile, Jay and family try to get out of attending Lily's soccer game, while Mitchell and Cameron are feeling stressed about being landlords and soccer coaches.

Quote from Gloria

Manny: It's a tragedy. No other way to put it.
Jay: Such a beautiful day, too.
Gloria: We just have to accept that Lily has a soccer game and we all have to be there. You were supposed to make an excuse.
Jay: I'm sorry! I ran into Cam at the market. He asked if we could go. I panicked. I shot myself in the foot.
Gloria: Oh, yeah, you shot yourself on your foot, you put your foot in your mouth, you put the shoe in the wrong foot. What is with you Americans and the foot? I hate that painting, by the way.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Nobody gets out of this. World's worst sport, world's worst players of it. Twenty-two girls in a cluster zig-zagging across a field like a busted Roomba. Except the only thing it sucks up is two hours of my life.

Quote from Haley

Alex: Hey! No, give that back. Need I remind you I am a yellow belt?
Haley: Ugh, I can't keep track of all your ugly belts, but I don't think you should change roommates.

Quote from Phil

Phil: You're an original, son. When they made you, they broke the mold. [opens door]
Will: What's good, L.D.?
Luke: Yo, Will.
Phil: Luke, um, there's no easy way to ask this. Are you in a boy band?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: They've been here 2 days and they've used 18 towels, yet the soap is untouched. What are they, sloughing each other clean like elephants?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I don't believe this. They want more towels. What are they, midwives?

Quote from Jay

Jay: It's the worst of everything. We have to go to the damn game. And they're never gonna believe any of our excuses in the future, even if they're real.
Gloria: Unless...
Manny: Why do you do that? Why do you say "unless" and then pause? Just finish the thought.
Gloria: Unless Jay really gets shot in the foot.
Jay: I can't believe I'm saying this, once again, in only seven years of marriage, but please put the gun down.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [aside to camera] So, busy time at the house lately.
Cameron: Fun busy.
Mitchell: I've taken on some work helping people with estates and wills. It's sadder than I thought it would be.
Cameron: Fun sad. Meantime, I'm running a side business we started doing short-term rentals on our unit upstairs. We call ourselves the Artful Lodgers.
Mitchell: You know, s-some couples might feel the strain and take it out on one another.
Cameron: [Cockney accent] But not the Artful Lodgers.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Oh! You all are still here.
Jay: How often do you break in here? Does that explain the white wine? We fired a cleaning lady.
Claire: Listen, I thought you guys would already be at Lily's soccer game, and things have been pretty emotional at my house this morning. I just wanted a couple hours by the pool.
Gloria: Claire must have left the ice bucket by the jacuzzi, too.
Claire: I will write the cleaning lady a letter.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [aside to camera] As our history with costume parties has taught us, we shine brightest when we work as a team.
Mitchell: By late in the half, we had tied the score.
Cameron: Proving once again, the best offense is a good defense.
Mitchell: That's like saying the best hat is a shoe.

Quote from Phil

Will: So, we're gonna go hang at the pier. You in?
Luke: Sounds cool, but I don't know if I can.
Phil: That's right. We got a big day planned. He's coming to work with the old man.
Luke: Sorry.
Will: Next time. Deuces.
Luke: Deuces.
Phil: Word to your mothers. Seriously, David. Tell your mom I say hi.

Quote from Joe

Manny: I'm having the last cronut. I'm so depressed.
Jay: I'm sorry, kid. I think Andy ate it. So the game starts at 2:00, right?
Joe: Jay ate the last cronut.
Jay: No one likes a tattletale, kid.
Gloria: Thank you, baby, for being so honest.
Jay: So we should leave in about an hour.
Gloria: What is this "we"? I have to go and register Joe for the winter camp.
Joe: Mommy's going to buy shoes.
Gloria: I did not raise a rat!

Quote from Phil

Phil: Behold, the unsellable house. Two years on the market, it's crushed the soul of every real-estate agent in town. Todd and Terry Taylor, the spouses selling houses - they're no longer either.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I used to love going to work with my dad to his grocery store, Frank's Food Town. I got to watch him crack up the deli team by pretending to lose a finger, or he'd pull out an orange from the pyramid and somehow, it wouldn't fall. I don't care what the sign out front said. Savings wasn't king. My dad was.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I remember one day, I was around Luke's age, and I wasn't all that happy to be at Food Town, but my dad knew exactly what to do. He gets on the P.A. and he says, "Attention, shoppers," and then he hands the mike to me. I was like, "What?" [chuckles] "Uh, Red Wing peanut butter - $1.69 for two." [laughs] He lost a lot of money on that sale, but it's a rush I'll never forget.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Where is my family?
Cameron: You don't think they're standing us up, do you? You know, when I saw Jay at the grocery store and asked him if they were coming, he took a sample meatball and chewed it for a full minute before he said yes, so...

Quote from Gloria

Manny: Um, you guys, I just got a text from Cam.
Jay: Give me that. "Gosh, I sure do hope Jay's all right. It's unbelievable something like that could have happened."
Gloria: You're welcome.
Claire: Fantastic. It's perfect.
Jay: We're all good.
Manny: Well, you guys, you might want to listen again, only this time, I'll be Cam. [sarcastically] "Gosh, I sure do hope Jay is all right." It's unbelievable something like this could happen."
Gloria: We're screwed.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Oh, oh, I see what this is.
Cameron: What?
Mitchell: Jealousy.
Cameron: Oh!
Mitchell: Yeah! Yeah. 'Cause your football team can't seem to win, but here I am 4-0.
Cameron: Okay, please. This is little girls' soccer. It's not even a real sport.
[Parents gasp]
Referee: Excuse me? I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Cameron: Oh, no, I was just-
Referee: Let's not do this the hard way.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Would you just shut up for a second? Here's the thing, I had a similar experience with a roommate. She was this annoying little know-it-all who totally got on my nerves.
Alex: Yeah, I get it.
Haley: Oh, shh! I spent a long time trying to get rid of her until I realized that that little girl, in her own way, put me on a pedestal. It felt great. You just landed in a world of superstars, and I know you'd never admit it, but you're scared. It's not the worst thing to have your own personal cheerleader. I miss mine already. [Alex hugs Haley] Well, I guess my five seconds is up.

Quote from Phil

Phil: You don't often see a 5/8 bathroom, but they're highly sought after. The deal's in the bag, kid. I'm just gonna wrap it up, and then we bounce. And then we bounce. Trampoline park. How are you not high-boinging me right now?

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] After a while, I stopped hanging out with my dad at the store. I got busy with cheer practice, and I guess pyramids of oranges don't seem so great after you've built pyramids out of man. I don't know if it bothered him that I stopped coming around, but if it did, he never let it show.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Let's go, girls! Uh, pass and move! The players should never be standing still! The best defense is good offense. Well, now, that can't be true.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: The important thing is I did, in fact, shoot myself in the-
Mitchell: Save it. Don't add insult to fake injury.
Jay: Fake.
Mitchell: Yeah.
Jay: Seriously?
Gloria: Say hello to his little toe.

Quote from Joe

Mitchell: Oh, but you guys, you still showed up anyway.
Claire: Of course!
Manny: Without a doubt.
Joe: Mommy shot Jay.
Mitchell: I'm sorry, what? I thought you said-
Joe: Yeah, mommy shot Jay. Aunt Claire said, "shoot him."

Quote from Gloria

Mitchell: Dad. You would rather take a bullet than support your granddaughter?
Jay: This was really Gloria's idea.
Gloria: I'm surrounded by rats.

Quote from Mitchell

Referee: Second half, girls.
Mitchell: Oh, god. Okay. Intermission's over.

Quote from Manny

Claire: Okay, so we all agree. Everybody gets a free pass once a year to miss a kid event.
Mitchell: Ooh, I heard Luke might be forming a boy band, so I want to get out in front of that.
Manny: Great! That means you'll be available for my one-man quick-change version of "Seven Brides For Seven Brothers."
Mitchell: I'm gonna change my vote.
Cameron: Yeah, put me down for missing that, too.
Manny: No, but you don't understand. I-I play all the brides and all the brothers.
Claire: Make it three.
Manny: But you'll come, right, Jay?
[Jay eats a nibble so his mouth is full]

Quote from Phil

Luke: Hey, all y'all. What's going down?
Haley: My opinion of you. What's with the fake glasses?
Alex: As an actual glasses wearer, this is offensive. It's like non-disabled people who park in handicapped spaces.
Claire: I was in and out in three minutes, young lady, and it was your stye medication I was picking up. [to Luke] That's a lot of bracelets there, buddy.
Phil: Just ignore them. They're being sheep. If I'd listened to what other people said, I'd never have rocked my '90s frosted tips. We've got pictures.
Claire: No, we don't.

Quote from Alex

Claire: There she is, our little genius. Look at my conscientious little girl getting ready to leave for college a whole day early.
Alex: I'm leaving today.
Claire: What? No. No, no. No, no. We have a plan. I-I was gonna make your favorite meal for dinner, and then we were gonna fight because of separation anxiety, and then tomorrow morning, we would make up before you leave for good. I just- Oh!
Alex: No, no, guys, this is exactly why I didn't tell you!
Phil: But I can't take you. I have a showing. I was gonna burn a CD of goodbye songs for the ride.
Alex: I have never felt better about a decision.

Quote from Claire

Claire: I am so proud of you, and I know you're gonna achieve great things in this world, and I just read about this new nail polish that changes colors if you dip it in a drink that has a roofie-
Alex: Next.
Luke: I'm good.
Alex: All right, cool. Well, I will text you guys when I get there.
Claire: I'm taking his five seconds.

Quote from Cameron

French man: Is there a way to make the room not so cold?
French woman: Do you know what it's like to wake up next to your husband one morning and he's cold as ice?
Widow: Yes. [sobbing]
Mitchell: Yeah, I'll work on that while you eat breakfast.
Cameron: Did you make the French toast?
Mitchell: Yes, it's right on the counter.
Cameron: That's French toast.
Mitchell: What's happening?
Cameron: I wanted regular toast for the French people.
Mitchell: Surely there was a better way to describe that.
Cameron: He's allergic to eggs, Mitchell. Okay, w-why did you eat that? Why- Why did he eat that?

Quote from Phil

Phil: It's like being on a submarine, right? [laughs] You guys, uh, fans of Tom Clancy? Oh, uh, you know what? Luke'll finish the tour. It's the office.
Luke: It's not ringing.
Phil: This is your moment. [pretend answering phone] Hello?
Luke: Follow me, I guess.
Elderly Homebuyer: How did we get on the second floor?
Phil: Isn't it great? There's an imperceptible rise. So you guys can either reverse course or take turns sliding down the fireman's pole. Luke'll show you.

Quote from Alex

Haley: But because you wouldn't let mom and dad cry over you, that emotion is gonna build up and explode all over Luke and me.
Alex: I'm sorry. I just couldn't want. Do you know how long I've been dreaming about this day?
Haley: Leaving your family?
Alex: Don't turn it into an insult. I'm just really ready for this. I'm finally surrounded by smart, curious people.

Quote from Alex

Maisie: Hi! You must be Alex. I'm your roomie. I'm Maisie. My dad says it's short for Amazing, but it's not.
Alex: Wait, I picked a different-
Maisie: Roommate, I know. She got sick. She got a panic attack. I can sympathize, I usually get one right before my cycle. Anyways, they denied her visa and she's still in Norway. "Help! There's Norway out." [laughs]
Alex: Uh, how old are you?
Maisie: Oh, I'm 15, but I've seen four R-rated movies already. I'm so excited you're here. Where should I put my medicines?
Alex: [to Haley] Yeah, so you are good to go. I'm fine.
Haley: Oh, not quite yet. So, Maisie, do you speak any languages?
Maisie: Uh, si­, oui, da, ja, and of course I also speak Wookiee. [growls like a Wookie] Ahh! This is gonna be so much fun!


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