Jay: Nobody gets out of this. World's worst sport, world's worst players of it. Twenty-two girls in a cluster zig-zagging across a field like a busted Roomba. Except the only thing it sucks up is two hours of my life.

Manny: It's a tragedy. No other way to put it.
Jay: Such a beautiful day, too.
Gloria: We just have to accept that Lily has a soccer game and we all have to be there. You were supposed to make an excuse.
Jay: I'm sorry! I ran into Cam at the market. He asked if we could go. I panicked. I shot myself in the foot.
Gloria: Oh, yeah, you shot yourself on your foot, you put your foot in your mouth, you put the shoe in the wrong foot. What is with you Americans and the foot? I hate that painting, by the way.

Phil: You're an original, son. When they made you, they broke the mold. [opens door]
Will: What's good, L.D.?
Luke: Yo, Will.
Phil: Luke, um, there's no easy way to ask this. Are you in a boy band?

Alex: Hey! No, give that back. Need I remind you I am a yellow belt?
Haley: Ugh, I can't keep track of all your ugly belts, but I don't think you should change roommates.

Cameron: They've been here 2 days and they've used 18 towels, yet the soap is untouched. What are they, sloughing each other clean like elephants?

Cameron: I don't believe this. They want more towels. What are they, midwives?

Jay: It's the worst of everything. We have to go to the damn game. And they're never gonna believe any of our excuses in the future, even if they're real.
Gloria: Unless...
Manny: Why do you do that? Why do you say "unless" and then pause? Just finish the thought.
Gloria: Unless Jay really gets shot in the foot.
Jay: I can't believe I'm saying this, once again, in only seven years of marriage, but please put the gun down.

Manny: I'm having the last cronut. I'm so depressed.
Jay: I'm sorry, kid. I think Andy ate it. So the game starts at 2:00, right?
Joe: Jay ate the last cronut.
Jay: No one likes a tattletale, kid.
Gloria: Thank you, baby, for being so honest.
Jay: So we should leave in about an hour.
Gloria: What is this "we"? I have to go and register Joe for the winter camp.
Joe: Mommy's going to buy shoes.
Gloria: I did not raise a rat!

Mitchell: [aside to camera] So, busy time at the house lately.
Cameron: Fun busy.
Mitchell: I've taken on some work helping people with estates and wills. It's sadder than I thought it would be.
Cameron: Fun sad. Meantime, I'm running a side business we started doing short-term rentals on our unit upstairs. We call ourselves the Artful Lodgers.
Mitchell: You know, s-some couples might feel the strain and take it out on one another.
Cameron: [Cockney accent] But not the Artful Lodgers.

Will: So, we're gonna go hang at the pier. You in?
Luke: Sounds cool, but I don't know if I can.
Phil: That's right. We got a big day planned. He's coming to work with the old man.
Luke: Sorry.
Will: Next time. Deuces.
Luke: Deuces.
Phil: Word to your mothers. Seriously, David. Tell your mom I say hi.