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‘The Day Alex Left for College’ Quotes

Modern Family: The Day Alex Left for College

702. The Day Alex Left for College

Aired September 30, 2015

Phil and Claire feel their children moving away from them when Alex lies about the date she's moving to college to avoid a big fuss, and Luke seems less than thrilled to spend the day with Phil at an open house. Meanwhile, Jay and family try to get out of attending Lily's soccer game, while Mitchell and Cameron are feeling stressed about being landlords and soccer coaches.

Quote from Gloria

Manny: It's a tragedy. No other way to put it.
Jay: Such a beautiful day, too.
Gloria: We just have to accept that Lily has a soccer game and we all have to be there. You were supposed to make an excuse.
Jay: I'm sorry! I ran into Cam at the market. He asked if we could go. I panicked. I shot myself in the foot.
Gloria: Oh, yeah, you shot yourself on your foot, you put your foot in your mouth, you put the shoe in the wrong foot. What is with you Americans and the foot? I hate that painting, by the way.

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Quote from Jay

Jay: Nobody gets out of this. World's worst sport, world's worst players of it. Twenty-two girls in a cluster zig-zagging across a field like a busted Roomba. Except the only thing it sucks up is two hours of my life.

Quote from Phil

Phil: You're an original, son. When they made you, they broke the mold. [opens door]
Will: What's good, L.D.?
Luke: Yo, Will.
Phil: Luke, um, there's no easy way to ask this. Are you in a boy band?

Quote from Haley

Alex: Hey! No, give that back. Need I remind you I am a yellow belt?
Haley: Ugh, I can't keep track of all your ugly belts, but I don't think you should change roommates.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: They've been here 2 days and they've used 18 towels, yet the soap is untouched. What are they, sloughing each other clean like elephants?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I don't believe this. They want more towels. What are they, midwives?

Quote from Jay

Jay: It's the worst of everything. We have to go to the damn game. And they're never gonna believe any of our excuses in the future, even if they're real.
Gloria: Unless...
Manny: Why do you do that? Why do you say "unless" and then pause? Just finish the thought.
Gloria: Unless Jay really gets shot in the foot.
Jay: I can't believe I'm saying this, once again, in only seven years of marriage, but please put the gun down.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [aside to camera] So, busy time at the house lately.
Cameron: Fun busy.
Mitchell: I've taken on some work helping people with estates and wills. It's sadder than I thought it would be.
Cameron: Fun sad. Meantime, I'm running a side business we started doing short-term rentals on our unit upstairs. We call ourselves the Artful Lodgers.
Mitchell: You know, s-some couples might feel the strain and take it out on one another.
Cameron: [Cockney accent] But not the Artful Lodgers.

Quote from Phil

Will: So, we're gonna go hang at the pier. You in?
Luke: Sounds cool, but I don't know if I can.
Phil: That's right. We got a big day planned. He's coming to work with the old man.
Luke: Sorry.
Will: Next time. Deuces.
Luke: Deuces.
Phil: Word to your mothers. Seriously, David. Tell your mom I say hi.

Quote from Joe

Manny: I'm having the last cronut. I'm so depressed.
Jay: I'm sorry, kid. I think Andy ate it. So the game starts at 2:00, right?
Joe: Jay ate the last cronut.
Jay: No one likes a tattletale, kid.
Gloria: Thank you, baby, for being so honest.
Jay: So we should leave in about an hour.
Gloria: What is this "we"? I have to go and register Joe for the winter camp.
Joe: Mommy's going to buy shoes.
Gloria: I did not raise a rat!

Quote from Phil

Phil: Behold, the unsellable house. Two years on the market, it's crushed the soul of every real-estate agent in town. Todd and Terry Taylor, the spouses selling houses - they're no longer either.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I used to love going to work with my dad to his grocery store, Frank's Food Town. I got to watch him crack up the deli team by pretending to lose a finger, or he'd pull out an orange from the pyramid and somehow, it wouldn't fall. I don't care what the sign out front said. Savings wasn't king. My dad was.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I remember one day, I was around Luke's age, and I wasn't all that happy to be at Food Town, but my dad knew exactly what to do. He gets on the P.A. and he says, "Attention, shoppers," and then he hands the mike to me. I was like, "What?" [chuckles] "Uh, Red Wing peanut butter - $1.69 for two." [laughs] He lost a lot of money on that sale, but it's a rush I'll never forget.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Oh! You all are still here.
Jay: How often do you break in here? Does that explain the white wine? We fired a cleaning lady.
Claire: Listen, I thought you guys would already be at Lily's soccer game, and things have been pretty emotional at my house this morning. I just wanted a couple hours by the pool.
Gloria: Claire must have left the ice bucket by the jacuzzi, too.
Claire: I will write the cleaning lady a letter.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [aside to camera] As our history with costume parties has taught us, we shine brightest when we work as a team.
Mitchell: By late in the half, we had tied the score.
Cameron: Proving once again, the best offense is a good defense.
Mitchell: That's like saying the best hat is a shoe.


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