Guillermo: Good morning, Mr. Pritchett.
Jay: How ya doin', sport?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I didn't know who that was. I never do. At least once a month, I find a total stranger sitting in my kitchen. Gloria collects every kind of stray looking for work, money you name it. She's got a big heart. It's the one thing I'd like to change about her.

Phil: [aside to camera] See? You don't need all the conflict. Note to Claire. If you want intense family drama, rent Spy Kids. They saved their parents' lives. You think they would've done that if they got yelled at all the time?

Phil: Sweet and sour chicken! Girls! Get back- Gotta fix that step. Girls!
Alex: Did he just yell? Drive!
Haley: I'm trying!
Phil: You girls get back here right now!
Alex: Pretend you don't hear him.
Phil: I know you can hear me!
Alex: Oh, my God! He's coming towards the car!
Haley: Oh, my God!
Phil: Stop this car!
Alex: We're sorry, Dad.
Haley: We couldn't hear you!
Phil: No more lies! You poked the bear, girls! You poked him!

Claire: Oh, my God. This bathroom is disgusting. The girls told me they would clean it days ago. I can't yell at them about it one more time. You handle it.
Phil: I would, but I promised Luke and Manny I'd take them go-karting for their good report cards.
Claire: What was good about Luke's report card?
Phil: He didn't lose it.

Gloria: Oh, Jay, there you are. Come. I want to introduce you to Guillermo.
Jay: Just met him. Really hit it off. Keep it under a hundred bucks. You don't have to tell me. I'm going golfing.
Gloria: No, senor. He's a very nice man that works at the grocery store and needs a little bit of business advice.
Jay: Why didn't you say so? I thought he was just some nut who lived behind the dry cleaners. Oh. That's the guy we bought corrective shoes for last month.

Gloria: Jay, he knows how successful you are and all he wants is an hour of your time half hour. Ten minutes! I promise him.
Jay: Honey, I love you, but why do you drag me into these things? You've got to learn to say no to people.
Gloria: Fine. Ask me if you can go golfing now.
Jay: Other people.
Gloria: All I want is, when I go to bed at night to be laying next to a man that is generous and giving. And that man doesn't necessarily needs to be you.

Guillermo: Thank you for your time, Mr. Pritchett. But after you hearing my presentation you will be thanking me.
Jay: You've got confidence.
Gloria: I admire that. He admires that, Guillermo. You're doing great. Keep going.
Guillermo: Are you aware that, last year Americans spent $40 billion on dog training?
Jay: Well, that's not true.
Guillermo: I was as surprised as you are.
Jay: No, you were surprised because it's not true.

Guillermo: Watch and be amazed. Stella here is being a bad doggy. Stella, let go! Bad dog! Bad dog! Bad dog. And what does a bad dog get? A bad-doggy treat.
Jay: You give her a treat for doing something bad?
Guillermo: A bad-doggy treat. When she is good, she gets the good-doggy treat.
Gloria: Brilliant! We're going to be rich!
Jay: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What is the difference between a bad-doggy treat and the good-doggy treat?
Guillermo: Bacon. The bad-doggy treat is very bland.
Jay: But she seems like she likes it.
Guillermo: Wait till you see the good-doggy treat. Stella, sit. Now a good-doggy treat. [offers treat] Stella. She still full from the bad-doggy treat. But there you have it. The Good Doggy-Bad Doggy Training System! Welcome to the ground floor.
Jay: Actually, she's peeing on the ground floor.
Gloria: Quick! Quick! Give her a bad-doggy treat!

Gloria: Why were you so tough with him? He's very sensitive.
Jay: Did you think that was a good idea?
Gloria: Of course not, but I'm nice and I put on the sugar jacket.
Jay: Sugarcoating is not gonna help him.

Claire: What are you gonna get, Luke?
Luke: I want a cheeseburger.
Claire: Yeah!
Luke: And I can't decide between french fries or onion rings.
Claire: Get 'em both! How about you, Manny?
Manny: Um, do you have a skinless, grilled chicken breast?
Claire: What, are you going to the ball, Cinderella? Live a little.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: I know Claire was trying to be fun, but that crossed the line.