Claire: Well, Clive, I am just a bored housewife with a dark side and an hour to kill.
Phil: Is that what I think it is?
Claire: It's not a gift card. Or maybe it is. I'll be upstairs, Clive. Don't take too long.
Phil: I never do.

Jay: I had a whole private dinner planned. I don't know what happened.
Gloria: But I do. [opens garage] I know exactly what happened!
Jay: No, you don't. l- What the hell?
Gloria: I win! I see you sneaking around, trying to trick me. So when I figure it out, I move the party over here and I trick you! I win!
Jay: What do you mean, you win?
Gloria: I know you think I think you're not romantic but I think you think I'm not smarter than you. So now we know. You are romantic, and I'm smarter than you. And I bought you a motorcycle.
Jay: My God. It's fantastic!
Gloria: I win again!
Jay: Honey, I love all this, but you can't win Valentine's Day. I mean, you defeat the whole idea if you make it into some silly competition.
Gloria: Shut up. I win.

Phil: Valentine's Day isn't over yet, Juliana.
Claire: Sweetie, let's not push it. You almost got arrested tonight.
Phil: That's how it's gonna be? You're just givin' up on us?
Claire: I am not giving up on us. I'm giving up on Clive and Juliana.
Phil: Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I know a couple people who could possibly save this night.
Claire: Hmm.
Phil: Maybe you've heard of 'em. Two American kids doing the best that they can. Phil and Claire Dunphy.

Claire: [aside to camera] This year, for Valentine's Day, we're gonna have a nice, quiet dinner at lbiza. Last year, we, um we overreached a little.
Phil: We created sexy alter egos, Clive and Juliana met in the hotel bar. This one lost her panties in the lobby, in front of her dad-
Claire: Phil.
Phil: Which was a little- It was hard. It was hard for her.
Claire: You know I can't stand it when you use that word.
Phil: Panties?
Claire: Ye- That- Yes. That word.
Phil: Sorry. She lost her underpanties.

Phil: [answering phone] Hello.
Claire: Hello. May I speak to Clive?
Phil: I'm sorry. I think you have the wrong number. Bye-bye.
Claire: [to Maitre 'D] No, uh I got disconnected. Would you mind redialing?
Phil: [answering phone] Hello.
Claire: Hello, Clive. This is Juliana.
Phil: Look, lady. Please stop calling me. This is-
Claire: No, no, no, no. No, Phil, Phil, Phil. Don't hang up.
Phil: Claire?
Claire: No, no, no. Not Claire. Juliana. And you're Clive Bixby. Remember? We met at the hotel bar last year.
Phil: Oh! Oh.
Claire: Now, make up some lie, ditch that wife of yours and meet me at our hotel in 30 minutes. You think you can manage that?
Phil: Baby doll, I've been lying to my wife for 16 years.

Claire: I was a little concerned when they said they could only take us at 6:30, but...
Phil: I know. This house is on fire, right? Now, this is how you do V-Day.
Claire: Except most of these people could have been here on V-E Day.

Claire: So, champagne?
Phil: Um, actually, Claire, something's come up so gotta go.
Claire: You're not ditching me here on Valentine's Day. Screw that. Sit.
Phil: But Wh- Oh, okay. We'll- We'll stay.
Claire: Phil.
Phil: Oh, that's part of it? So hot. Claire. I'm leaving. Deal with it. [trips over a mobility scooter] So no one walks anymore!

Jay: [aside to camera] So we don't get the table at the fancy restaurant which drives Gloria crazy. [as Gloria] "Jay, why you no be no more romantic to me?" We walk in the door and bam! She looks like a big idiot. And isn't that what Valentine's Day is all about?

Alex: Just a reminder: I need the television at 8:00. Jeremy and I have a phone date to watch Love Actually.
Haley: That's the lamest plan ever, and I'm jealous.

[asides to camera, separately:]
Haley: So my boyfriend, David, blows me off on the most romantic night of the year to study! This is the worst Valentine's Day-
Manny: Best Valentine's Day ever! David stands up Haley, and old boyfriend Dylan is out of the picture.
Haley: I'm not saying I miss Dylan, but at least he was romantic. David never sent me a jar of his own tears.
Manny: I'm playing the long game here. Like me today, love me tomorrow. She's had the romantic. She's had the intellectual. How 'bout all that in one fine little brown package?