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‘Bixby's Back’ Quotes

Modern Family: Bixby's Back

214. Bixby's Back

Aired February 9, 2011

When Valentine's Day comes around again, Phil and Claire revive Clive and Juliana. Meanwhile, Jay tries to surprise Gloria with a romantic dinner at home, and Cameron worries that Mitchell's assistant might have a workplace crush.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: I had a whole private dinner planned. I don't know what happened.
Gloria: But I do. [opens garage] I know exactly what happened!
Jay: No, you don't. l- What the hell?
Gloria: I win! I see you sneaking around, trying to trick me. So when I figure it out, I move the party over here and I trick you! I win!
Jay: What do you mean, you win?
Gloria: I know you think I think you're not romantic but I think you think I'm not smarter than you. So now we know. You are romantic, and I'm smarter than you. And I bought you a motorcycle.
Jay: My God. It's fantastic!
Gloria: I win again!
Jay: Honey, I love all this, but you can't win Valentine's Day. I mean, you defeat the whole idea if you make it into some silly competition.
Gloria: Shut up. I win.


Quote from Phil

Phil: Valentine's Day isn't over yet, Juliana.
Claire: Sweetie, let's not push it. You almost got arrested tonight.
Phil: That's how it's gonna be? You're just givin' up on us?
Claire: I am not giving up on us. I'm giving up on Clive and Juliana.
Phil: Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I know a couple people who could possibly save this night.
Claire: Hmm.
Phil: Maybe you've heard of 'em. Two American kids doing the best that they can. Phil and Claire Dunphy.

Quote from Phil

Claire: [aside to camera] This year, for Valentine's Day, we're gonna have a nice, quiet dinner at lbiza. Last year, we, um we overreached a little.
Phil: We created sexy alter egos, Clive and Juliana met in the hotel bar. This one lost her panties in the lobby, in front of her dad-
Claire: Phil.
Phil: Which was a little- It was hard. It was hard for her.
Claire: You know I can't stand it when you use that word.
Phil: Panties?
Claire: Ye- That- Yes. That word.
Phil: Sorry. She lost her underpanties.

Quote from Claire

Claire: I was a little concerned when they said they could only take us at 6:30, but...
Phil: I know. This house is on fire, right? Now, this is how you do V-Day.
Claire: Except most of these people could have been here on V-E Day.

Quote from Claire

Phil: [answering phone] Hello.
Claire: Hello. May I speak to Clive?
Phil: I'm sorry. I think you have the wrong number. Bye-bye.
Claire: [to Maitre 'D] No, uh I got disconnected. Would you mind redialing?
Phil: [answering phone] Hello.
Claire: Hello, Clive. This is Juliana.
Phil: Look, lady. Please stop calling me. This is-
Claire: No, no, no, no. No, Phil, Phil, Phil. Don't hang up.
Phil: Claire?
Claire: No, no, no. Not Claire. Juliana. And you're Clive Bixby. Remember? We met at the hotel bar last year.
Phil: Oh! Oh.
Claire: Now, make up some lie, ditch that wife of yours and meet me at our hotel in 30 minutes. You think you can manage that?
Phil: Baby doll, I've been lying to my wife for 16 years.

Quote from Phil

Claire: So, champagne?
Phil: Um, actually, Claire, something's come up so gotta go.
Claire: You're not ditching me here on Valentine's Day. Screw that. Sit.
Phil: But Wh- Oh, okay. We'll- We'll stay.
Claire: Phil.
Phil: Oh, that's part of it? So hot. Claire. I'm leaving. Deal with it. [trips over a mobility scooter] So no one walks anymore!

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] So we don't get the table at the fancy restaurant which drives Gloria crazy. [as Gloria] "Jay, why you no be no more romantic to me?" We walk in the door and bam! She looks like a big idiot. And isn't that what Valentine's Day is all about?

Quote from Haley

Alex: Just a reminder: I need the television at 8:00. Jeremy and I have a phone date to watch Love Actually.
Haley: That's the lamest plan ever, and I'm jealous.

Quote from Manny

[asides to camera, separately:]
Haley: So my boyfriend, David, blows me off on the most romantic night of the year to study! This is the worst Valentine's Day-
Manny: Best Valentine's Day ever! David stands up Haley, and old boyfriend Dylan is out of the picture.
Haley: I'm not saying I miss Dylan, but at least he was romantic. David never sent me a jar of his own tears.
Manny: I'm playing the long game here. Like me today, love me tomorrow. She's had the romantic. She's had the intellectual. How 'bout all that in one fine little brown package?

Quote from Cameron

Broderick: Cam! Wait. Have I upset you in any way?
Cameron: Oh, please. Let's not play this game. We both know what's going on.
Broderick: Have I been that obvious?
Cameron: Uh, the flowers that don't get delivered. The Valentine's Day plans that get interrupted. Do I really need to spell it out for you? Me, Mitchell, wedge.
Broderick: Don't hate me. [hugging Cameron] It's just so hard to see someone else have something you want and can't have.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Does Broderick have a crush? Yes. On someone he frequently sees at the office? Yes. Does that man have red hair and a beard? No. But his boyfriend does. It's me. The crush is on me.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Why do I get the feeling you're not really a salesman?
Phil: Oh. Pretty and smart. Or should I say "pretty smart"?
Claire: Mmm.
Phil: I might do some high-risk work for Uncle Sam that takes me clear around the country.
Claire: Hmm. So you could say you're a national man of mystery.
Phil: Shh. Never did catch what you do.
Claire: Didn't you?
Phil: Surprising, I know. I'm usually pretty good at catching things from women in bars.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Well, Clive, I am just a bored housewife with a dark side and an hour to kill.
Phil: Is that what I think it is?
Claire: It's not a gift card. Or maybe it is. I'll be upstairs, Clive. Don't take too long.
Phil: I never do.

Quote from Jay

[aside to camera:]
Jay: Five-course dinner waiting at home, and she's strapping on the feed bag at lbiza. But then an angel from heaven saved the night.
[at the restaurant:]
Cameron: You took our reservation. "Pritchett for two" is us. Come on. Let's go. Move your bottom. Come on, come on!
Jay: A big gay angel.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: He said it kills him to see someone else have something he wants.
Mitchell: Yes, yes. You're the someone, and I'm the something.
Cameron: Okay. All right. Call him.
Mitchell: Call him?
Cameron: Call him.
Mitchell: Why don't we go to his house stand on opposite sides of the room and see which one he runs to?
Cameron: You get the check. I'll get the car.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: [singing, o.s.] I'm the bread without your butter
Haley: Do you hear music?
Manny: Yes. And the fact that you hear it too-
Haley: Is that Dylan? Oh, my God.
Dylan: [singing] Who could make me feel this fine So here's my broken valentine lmagine me naked I imagine you nude
Claire: Am I a bad enough parent to ignore that?
Phil: You are. You're really bad.
Dylan: Without my best friend.

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