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37Quotes from ‘I Don't Know How She Does It’

Modern Family: I Don't Know How She Does It

715. I Don't Know How She Does It

Aired March 2, 2016

Phil is frustrated as he struggles to keep up with "super mom" Claire who is seemingly on top of everything at home and in the workplace. A sleep-deprived Jay and Gloria struggle to keep things together as Joe goes through a fussy phase. Meanwhile, Mitchell and Cameron wonder why they're being snubbed when they attend their friends' wedding.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Hey, you know what? I could do some of that kid stuff tomorrow.
Claire: You've got that open house.
Phil: Honey, I've been juggling work and family for 22 years and just juggling for 30.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [to Joey] You didn't make enough noise last night? With all his crying, I didn't sleep four hours.
Gloria: I didn't close my eyes. It was like being back in my village, watching for the marauders.
Jay: I don't know what's more shocking - you standing watch, or knowing the word "marauders."
Manny: Please tell me I didn't sob all night just 'cause I lost my baby blanket.
Gloria: Shh! Don't remind him. He's happy now. And besides, you didn't even have a blanket. We were basically destitute.
Jay: What, did you get hit by lightning?

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Until now, when I'd screw up on the home front, I could always blame work, but with Claire running a company and being a better mom than ever, I could feel the kids downgrading their whole opinion of me. I went from an "A" dad to an "F" dad. Fail Dunphy. Phil Dun-fail. Failip Hum-fail Dun- No, I had it before.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Thank God that Joe has a playdate. Vicky's picking us up. I'm gonna make him play so hard that he's gonna pass out tonight.
Jay: Well, I've got a playdate with Johnnie Walker, so one of us is passing out tonight.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [to Stella] Yeah, I know we're out of dog food. I'll pick some up after golf.
Gloria: She could lose a couple of pounds, anyways.
Jay: Thank God you don't have a daughter. The minute that kid falls asleep, that plane goes Amelia Earhart.

Quote from Pepper

Cameron: Another great Pepper Saltzman production, guys.
Pepper: Oh, please. What's tackier than a Friday lunch wedding? Table five needs more... [pained] ketchup. I have to hide my face with a coat every time the videographer comes around.
Ronaldo: In the old days, he'd never taken a cheap job like this, but the gay-wedding business is drying up.
Pepper: We do the bargain ones as Sherman Saltzman Events, and I haven't been Sherman since I got on that bus in Lubbock 35 years ago.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] They say it takes a village to raise a family and run a company. Turns out, it just takes one little suck-up from marketing named Ben.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] Gloria makes this Colombian dish I loved when we were first dating. I lied about a lot of things back then.
[flashback:]
Gloria: What the hell are you doing?! That takes me three days! Three days to prepare! And then you say that you love it, and you feed it to the dog? What else have you been lying about, Jay Kennedy Pritchett?

Quote from Gloria

[aside to camera:]
Gloria: Thank God that Jay was out playing golf. The last time that I left Joe sleeping in the car-
[flashback:]
Jay: Honey, where's Joe? Sleeping in the car. Are you crazy?! You don't leave a kid in the car! Why don't you just put a sign on him saying "free coyote food"?!
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: I have never seen anyone so mad. Even the marauders, you could have a conversation with.

Quote from Pepper

Mitchell: Oh, Pepper. Pepper. Do you have any idea why-
Pepper: Oh, sorry. I'm in a mad rush to the mashed-potato bar to restock something called fixin's. [voice breaking] If you ever felt anything for me, you'll push me out a window.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Mitchell, stop it.
Mitchell: Hmm? What? Huh? Hmm?
Cameron: Eavesdropping? Trolling for business? You've been doing it ever since you started handling gay divorce. It's kind of ghoulish.
Mitchell: Ghoulish?
Cameron: Yes. I'll bet that's why nobody wants us around. That's it. You're like the Angel of Death of gay marriage. You're like a cat at an old-folks' home who curls up next to somebody about to die.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: They're judging me? Felix and Jordan sell fur.
Matt: Sorry. We couldn't help overhearing you overhearing us.
Alan: Some friends of ours are breaking up, and they need a good divorce lawyer. Do you have a card?
Longinus: Oh. We couldn't help overhearing you talking about you overhearing you overhearing you.
Jotham: Are you really doing gay divorces now? We had no idea.
Cliff: I was just overhearing you guys overhearing-
Cameron: Good Lord, it's like a game of princess telephone.

Quote from Ronaldo

Pepper: Are you gonna finish this? They didn't budget a staff meal.
Ronaldo: It's our own fault we're poor. When we had money, we spent it all on drunken sailors.
Cameron: You mean "like drunken sailors"?
Ronaldo: Sure.

Quote from Pepper

Mitchell: Pepper, before you run off again, why is almost everyone here treating us like pariahs?
Pepper: Well, you didn't help yourselves by the cold way you declined those last two wedding invitations.
Cameron: We didn't get those invitations.
Pepper: I got the RSVPs myself to Adam and Michael and Felix and Jordan. Just a big "X" in the "will not attend" box. No excuse, no gift. Of course you put people off. It's just not classy. [silverware clatters, spits] How old are these pudding cups?!
Ronaldo: Come, carino. There's a vending machine in the lobby.
Pepper: If I lie down next to it, will you push it over on me?

Quote from Phil

Haley: Yes, Gavin, I got everything you asked for, and I'm on my way. All these errands I have to do for my boss. I swear, if it wasn't for me, he'd never get anything.
Phil: Haley, please. I'm trying to figure out how your mom's getting all these things done by herself.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: When Haley finally gave me a chance to hear myself think, it hit me. Could Claire be using an assistant? I decided to retrace every errand she allegedly ran today and time it out. She was in meetings from 9:00 A.M. to 1:30, leaving her a 90-minute window to buy Haley's dress, see Stan at Best Buy for Alex's present, then speed home, where she could start baking the cupcakes, drag the churn in from the garage, churn, wrap, and frost, leaving her a scant eight minutes at school pick-up time to race back for her 3:00 staff meeting. Even if all 14 traffic lights on her route were green, this task would be... Impossible! I don't know who made that ice cream, but Daddy was about to churn up a frosty bowl of "Mom's a big fake."

Quote from Phil

[aside to camera:]
Phil: My super-awesome family was throwing me a surprise early birthday party.
[flashback:]
Phil: I'm guess I'm the only one at home.
Haley: How could you do this?!
Alex: Dad!
Luke: You were supposed to be my hero! You let me down!
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Or I forgot to meet the electrician today to fix our faulty junction box.

Quote from Luke

Phil: Guys, I'm not gonna make excuses. I've been really busy at work.
Haley: Well, I was halfway through straightening my hair.
Alex: And I was in the middle of doing three weeks' worth of laundry.
Luke: And I was actually writing a term paper right when the lights went out, and... [lights come on] What? This isn't soda.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Calm down. We only cut two classes, and I'll send an excuse e-mail from your mom's computer.
Manny: I can't believe I agreed to ditch with you just 'cause you gave me half your Brie sandwich. Although that party-crashing apple slice turned out to be a welcome plus-one.
Luke: So we can make it official now. I have three gay uncles.

Quote from Manny

Luke: "Family emergency. Blah, blah, blah. Gloria Pritchett." And send.
Manny: I hate that I have to ask this, but you didn't type "Blah, blah, blah," did you?

Quote from Luke

Luke: You need to chill like my girlfriend here. [woman moaning on laptop]
Manny: Nah, I can't enjoy that. I just keep thinking about that girl's father. Could you please just get that off my mom's computer?
Luke: Okay. That was your reward for ditching, but if you don't want to... [computer beeps] Uh-oh.
Manny: What "uh-oh"?
Luke: Uh, it's frozen. What?!
Manny: Oh, my God. It froze on that?
Luke: Hey. "That" has a name.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Snubbed at this wedding, not invited to two others. What could you have possibly done?

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Well, how about this ghoulish profession that no one seems to have a problem with except for you?
Cameron: Look, I'm sorry, but you've always been a little cynical, and I was worried you seeing all these marriages collapse would push you further in that direction.
Mitchell: No, no, it's the opposite. Being around all these unhappy couples makes me even more grateful for what we have.
Cameron: Aww. That's so sweet. Are- [sniffles] Are you sure that's not the cash bar talking?
Mitchell: Of course not. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Cameron: Aww. [voice breaking] And you're the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Mitchell: Oh, Cam.
Cameron: [sniffles, crying] Maybe this is why nobody wants us around is because we cause an emotional scene everywhere we go.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Yep. That refrigerates stuff. All of them do. But you know the saying: All good open houses must come to an end by 2:00 on the dot.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I have an idea. Why don't we greet your mom with the smell of fresh-baked cupcakes? The ingredients are in here. Will, grab a whisk. I'll be back before you two are frosting.

Quote from Phil

Will: The cupcakes burned.
Phil: Oh. Well, it still smells homey. And it gives Mom a chance to see how well this state-of-the-art smoke alarm works! Come with me, Mom! Let me show you around the rest of this dream house! [later] You see, even ironing is a delight here, where you can feel a cool breeze wafting in from the open sliders. Mother nature! [later] Huzzah! Your own gift-wrapping room, just like the rich and famous. Sheila, finger. Go right ahead. There we go.

Quote from Alex

Phil: Sorry I'm late, guys, but fear not. One birthday present.
Alex: Wrapped in baby-shower paper.
Phil: One crisply pressed dress.
Haley: With one big pleat it didn't used to have.
Phil: Oh.
Alex: At least we know why you were late. Looks like you rescued those cupcakes from a burning bakery.
Haley: Don't worry. Mom made those on the off chance what everyone knew was gonna happen happened. She also bought me that new dress.
Alex: Oh, and I hope you kept the receipt, because Mom bought a backup.

Quote from Claire

Claire: You churned ice cream?
Ben: Yeah. Did the kids like it?
Claire: They loved it.
Ben: Great.
Claire: But they know I can't make ice cream. I bought that churn out of a SkyMall catalog after three Bloody Marys. It's been sitting under a tarp in my garage for six years. You've got to dial it way back.
Ben: Where is this fear and anger coming from?
Claire: You're gonna get us caught! [closes blinds]
Ben: You knew the risks when we started this.
Claire: I'm just saying we're getting a little bit sloppy. All the impossible errands, the fancy sandwiches. Just slap a little tuna on whole wheat for the next couple of days. Just until things cool off. [sighs] All right?
Ben: I was just trying to make you happy. You're not gonna stop me, are you?
Claire: Coffee cart's only in the lobby until 4:00.

Quote from Manny

Manny: What are we gonna do? Mom's gonna be home any minute. "Hola, papi. Have you seen my computer?" "Oh, sure, Mom. It's over there, where that naked girl's entertaining her school's basketball team."

Quote from Alex

Luke: I'm face-timing Alex. She'll know what to do.
Alex: [on FaceTime] What's up, Luke?
Luke: Computer glitch. The screen's frozen.
Alex: Let me see.
Luke: I'd rather not.
Alex: So porn.

Quote from Manny

Alex: [on FaceTime, to Joe in the backseat] Oh, hey there, cutie pie.
Manny: Thank you, Alex, but could you please hurry and call us back?
Alex: I was talk- [call disconnects]
Manny: She knows I'm forbidden fruit. I'm sure that's half the appeal.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Is that my computer?!
Manny: Don't open that!
Jay: Don't open that!
Manny: Is that Joe's plane?
Gloria: Don't open that!
Luke: A lot of unanswered questions here, it seems like.
Gloria: Why don't we all just take a step back?
Jay: Nice and easy.
Gloria: Okay, so now I am going to go and take a little walk.
Manny: Luke and I have some homework to do upstairs.
Jay: And I'm going to the little boy's room.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: They have taken pictures at every table but ours.
Mitchell: Because their photographer isn't Diane Arbus. Who else would want a record of this fever dream?

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: Come on, Lily. Let's go dance.
Lily: No! No dancing. It's too embarrassing.
Cameron: No. You're a good dancer, sweetie.
Lily: Not me. You two.
Cameron: What?
Mitchell: You don't like our dancing? Why?
[aside to camera:]
Lily: Why?!

Quote from Lily

Lily: You're not good. That's why I hate weddings.
Mitchell: Wait, Lily, did you RSVP to some weddings and not tell us?
Lily: Yes. Punish me, ground me. I just can't watch it again.
Mitchell: Oh, you're gonna be punished.
Cameron: Mitchell, wait. I know how she feels. Did we really embarrass you that bad?
Lily: Well, yeah. I mean, I still love you, but- Why are your shoulders moving?
Cameron: Well, we always knew there would be something you didn't like about us.
Mitchell: We're just glad that it's something we're so good at. [both start dancing]
Lily: [to Asian-American family] If anybody asks, I'm with you.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Ben, what are you still doing here?
Ben: I'm just making sandwiches for the kids. Don't worry. They'll never know. I'm using store-brand Gouda and this domestic mustard.
Claire: No, you don't understand. My husband could be home any minute. You've got to leave.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Ben, we got to stop doing this.
Ben: No, it's fine. I just said what you would have said.
Claire: But I didn't say anything. I-I wasn't there for my daughter at all. I-I'm so damn busy trying to be the perfect mom and- And the perfect boss, but I'm outsourcing the one job that means the most to me, and I really miss it. I miss being a mom. Even if I'm a so-so mom that barely has time to make a soggy tuna-fish sandwich, I... [sighs]

Quote from Alex

Luke: So, before you open this, I just want to say this is not the kind of thing I'm usually in to.
Alex: Let's not.
Manny: It's all him, by the way.
Alex: No kidding. [sighs] Oh, don't show it to me! Oh! [exhales] Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew. CTRL-Alt-Ew. Oh, God. Please, tell me it worked.
Manny: It worked.
Alex: Just so you know, women are not all vacuous nymphomaniacs looking to seduce every man that crosses their path. [to Joe] Bye, you dirty little boy!
Manny: Kind of a mixed message, right?
Luke: I'll talk to her.


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