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‘I Don't Know How She Does It’ Quotes

Modern Family: I Don't Know How She Does It

715. I Don't Know How She Does It

Aired March 2, 2016

Phil is frustrated as he struggles to keep up with "super mom" Claire who is seemingly on top of everything at home and in the workplace. A sleep-deprived Jay and Gloria struggle to keep things together as Joe goes through a fussy phase. Meanwhile, Mitchell and Cameron wonder why they're being snubbed when they attend their friends' wedding.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Hey, you know what? I could do some of that kid stuff tomorrow.
Claire: You've got that open house.
Phil: Honey, I've been juggling work and family for 22 years and just juggling for 30.

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Quote from Jay

Jay: [to Joey] You didn't make enough noise last night? With all his crying, I didn't sleep four hours.
Gloria: I didn't close my eyes. It was like being back in my village, watching for the marauders.
Jay: I don't know what's more shocking - you standing watch, or knowing the word "marauders."
Manny: Please tell me I didn't sob all night just 'cause I lost my baby blanket.
Gloria: Shh! Don't remind him. He's happy now. And besides, you didn't even have a blanket. We were basically destitute.
Jay: What, did you get hit by lightning?

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Until now, when I'd screw up on the home front, I could always blame work, but with Claire running a company and being a better mom than ever, I could feel the kids downgrading their whole opinion of me. I went from an "A" dad to an "F" dad. Fail Dunphy. Phil Dun-fail. Failip Hum-fail Dun- No, I had it before.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Thank God that Joe has a playdate. Vicky's picking us up. I'm gonna make him play so hard that he's gonna pass out tonight.
Jay: Well, I've got a playdate with Johnnie Walker, so one of us is passing out tonight.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [to Stella] Yeah, I know we're out of dog food. I'll pick some up after golf.
Gloria: She could lose a couple of pounds, anyways.
Jay: Thank God you don't have a daughter. The minute that kid falls asleep, that plane goes Amelia Earhart.

Quote from Pepper

Cameron: Another great Pepper Saltzman production, guys.
Pepper: Oh, please. What's tackier than a Friday lunch wedding? Table five needs more... [pained] ketchup. I have to hide my face with a coat every time the videographer comes around.
Ronaldo: In the old days, he'd never taken a cheap job like this, but the gay-wedding business is drying up.
Pepper: We do the bargain ones as Sherman Saltzman Events, and I haven't been Sherman since I got on that bus in Lubbock 35 years ago.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] They say it takes a village to raise a family and run a company. Turns out, it just takes one little suck-up from marketing named Ben.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] Gloria makes this Colombian dish I loved when we were first dating. I lied about a lot of things back then.
[flashback:]
Gloria: What the hell are you doing?! That takes me three days! Three days to prepare! And then you say that you love it, and you feed it to the dog? What else have you been lying about, Jay Kennedy Pritchett?

Quote from Gloria

[aside to camera:]
Gloria: Thank God that Jay was out playing golf. The last time that I left Joe sleeping in the car-
[flashback:]
Jay: Honey, where's Joe? Sleeping in the car. Are you crazy?! You don't leave a kid in the car! Why don't you just put a sign on him saying "free coyote food"?!
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: I have never seen anyone so mad. Even the marauders, you could have a conversation with.

Quote from Pepper

Mitchell: Oh, Pepper. Pepper. Do you have any idea why-
Pepper: Oh, sorry. I'm in a mad rush to the mashed-potato bar to restock something called fixin's. [voice breaking] If you ever felt anything for me, you'll push me out a window.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Mitchell, stop it.
Mitchell: Hmm? What? Huh? Hmm?
Cameron: Eavesdropping? Trolling for business? You've been doing it ever since you started handling gay divorce. It's kind of ghoulish.
Mitchell: Ghoulish?
Cameron: Yes. I'll bet that's why nobody wants us around. That's it. You're like the Angel of Death of gay marriage. You're like a cat at an old-folks' home who curls up next to somebody about to die.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: They're judging me? Felix and Jordan sell fur.
Matt: Sorry. We couldn't help overhearing you overhearing us.
Alan: Some friends of ours are breaking up, and they need a good divorce lawyer. Do you have a card?
Longinus: Oh. We couldn't help overhearing you talking about you overhearing you overhearing you.
Jotham: Are you really doing gay divorces now? We had no idea.
Cliff: I was just overhearing you guys overhearing-
Cameron: Good Lord, it's like a game of princess telephone.

Quote from Ronaldo

Pepper: Are you gonna finish this? They didn't budget a staff meal.
Ronaldo: It's our own fault we're poor. When we had money, we spent it all on drunken sailors.
Cameron: You mean "like drunken sailors"?
Ronaldo: Sure.

Quote from Pepper

Mitchell: Pepper, before you run off again, why is almost everyone here treating us like pariahs?
Pepper: Well, you didn't help yourselves by the cold way you declined those last two wedding invitations.
Cameron: We didn't get those invitations.
Pepper: I got the RSVPs myself to Adam and Michael and Felix and Jordan. Just a big "X" in the "will not attend" box. No excuse, no gift. Of course you put people off. It's just not classy. [silverware clatters, spits] How old are these pudding cups?!
Ronaldo: Come, carino. There's a vending machine in the lobby.
Pepper: If I lie down next to it, will you push it over on me?

Quote from Phil

Haley: Yes, Gavin, I got everything you asked for, and I'm on my way. All these errands I have to do for my boss. I swear, if it wasn't for me, he'd never get anything.
Phil: Haley, please. I'm trying to figure out how your mom's getting all these things done by herself.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: When Haley finally gave me a chance to hear myself think, it hit me. Could Claire be using an assistant? I decided to retrace every errand she allegedly ran today and time it out. She was in meetings from 9:00 A.M. to 1:30, leaving her a 90-minute window to buy Haley's dress, see Stan at Best Buy for Alex's present, then speed home, where she could start baking the cupcakes, drag the churn in from the garage, churn, wrap, and frost, leaving her a scant eight minutes at school pick-up time to race back for her 3:00 staff meeting. Even if all 14 traffic lights on her route were green, this task would be... Impossible! I don't know who made that ice cream, but Daddy was about to churn up a frosty bowl of "Mom's a big fake."


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