‘I Don't Know How She Does It’
Season 7, Episode 15 - Aired March 2, 2016
Phil is frustrated as he struggles to keep up with "super mom" Claire who is seemingly on top of everything at home and in the workplace. A sleep-deprived Jay and Gloria struggle to keep things together as Joe goes through a fussy phase. Meanwhile, Mitchell and Cameron wonder why they're being snubbed when they attend their friends' wedding.
Quote from Phil
Phil: Hey, you know what? I could do some of that kid stuff tomorrow.
Claire: You've got that open house.
Phil: Honey, I've been juggling work and family for 22 years and just juggling for 30.
Quote from Jay
Jay: [to Joey] You didn't make enough noise last night? With all his crying, I didn't sleep four hours.
Gloria: I didn't close my eyes. It was like being back in my village, watching for the marauders.
Jay: I don't know what's more shocking - you standing watch, or knowing the word "marauders."
Manny: Please tell me I didn't sob all night just 'cause I lost my baby blanket.
Gloria: Shh! Don't remind him. He's happy now. And besides, you didn't even have a blanket. We were basically destitute.
Jay: What, did you get hit by lightning?
Quote from Phil
Phil: [aside to camera] Until now, when I'd screw up on the home front, I could always blame work, but with Claire running a company and being a better mom than ever, I could feel the kids downgrading their whole opinion of me. I went from an "A" dad to an "F" dad. Fail Dunphy. Phil Dun-fail. Failip Hum-fail Dun- No, I had it before.
Quote from Pepper
Mitchell: Oh, Pepper. Pepper. Do you have any idea why-
Pepper: Oh, sorry. I'm in a mad rush to the mashed-potato bar to restock something called fixin's. [voice breaking] If you ever felt anything for me, you'll push me out a window.
Quote from Gloria
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: Thank God that Jay was out playing golf. The last time that I left Joe sleeping in the car-
[flashback:]
Jay: Honey, where's Joe?
Gloria: Sleeping in the car.
Jay: Are you crazy?! You don't leave a kid in the car! Why don't you just put a sign on him saying "free coyote food"?!
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: I have never seen anyone so mad. Even the marauders, you could have a conversation with.
Quote from Jay
Gloria: Thank God that Joe has a playdate. Vicky's picking us up. I'm gonna make him play so hard that he's gonna pass out tonight.
Jay: Well, I've got a playdate with Johnnie Walker, so one of us is passing out tonight.
Quote from Jay
Jay: [to Stella] Yeah, I know we're out of dog food. I'll pick some up after golf.
Gloria: She could lose a couple of pounds, anyways.
Jay: Thank God you don't have a daughter. The minute that kid falls asleep, that plane goes Amelia Earhart.
Quote from Pepper
Cameron: Another great Pepper Saltzman production, guys.
Pepper: Oh, please. What's tackier than a Friday lunch wedding? Table five needs more... [pained] ketchup. I have to hide my face with a coat every time the videographer comes around.
Ronaldo: In the old days, he'd never taken a cheap job like this, but the gay-wedding business is drying up.
Pepper: We do the bargain ones as Sherman Saltzman Events, and I haven't been Sherman since I got on that bus in Lubbock 35 years ago.
Quote from Claire
Claire: [aside to camera] They say it takes a village to raise a family and run a company. Turns out, it just takes one little suck-up from marketing named Ben.
Quote from Jay
Jay: [aside to camera] Gloria makes this Colombian dish I loved when we were first dating. I lied about a lot of things back then.
[flashback:]
Gloria: What the hell are you doing?! That takes me three days! Three days to prepare! And then you say that you love it, and you feed it to the dog? What else have you been lying about, Jay Kennedy Pritchett?