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‘The Old Man & The Tree’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Modern Family: The Old Man & The Tree

510. The Old Man & The Tree

Aired December 11, 2013

Phil spends Christmas Eve on an elliptical trainer trying to win a bet he made with Claire a. As Jay and Manny head out to cut down their own Christmas tree, Gloria tries to avoid spending time with her mother, Pilar, until she sees her bonding with Claire. Meanwhile, Mitchell must brave the holiday traffic in a last minute bid to get Lily the right toy.

Quote from Gloria

Pilar: This is your great-grandmother's recipe. If she could see you now, she would die again, because you're doing it wrong!
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: My mother has been here all week. I love her very much, but you know what they say: house guests start to stink after three days, like dead bodies.

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Quote from Manny

Jay: What the hell is that?
Manny: A fiber-optic tree. It's way better for the environment than a real one.
Jay: Not if the environment is my living room.
Manny: Look, I admit, it takes some getting used to, but so did Greek yogurt. Now I can't even remember how the old stuff tastes.

Quote from Luke

Luke: [aside to camera] I'm in charge of the recycling. I'm supposed to bring it from the garage to the curb by 6:00 A.M. Thursday morning. I may have missed a few weeks. Maybe more than a few weeks. After a while, the pile just got so big, I couldn't bring it out the night before or people would ask questions. I don't need people asking questions.

Quote from Phil

Luke: Then you're right! You've got to finish! You'll never use this thing in the garage! It's too drafty!
Phil: That's why I'm going to Canada, buddy. To avoid the draft!

Quote from Phil

Claire: [aside to camera] Last Christmas, Phil got an elliptical machine and vowed to walk the equivalent of our house to Canada in one year.
Phil: This body doesn't just happen, ladies.
Claire: If he didn't make it, no machine in the bedroom.
Phil: Except for this machine in the bedroom, ladies.
Claire: Who are these ladies?

Quote from Phil

Claire: Oh, Phil, give it up.
Phil: Oh, you would love that, wouldn't you? Just when I'm so close to the Canadian border, I can smell the bacon and the reasonably priced medications.

Quote from Haley

Alex: I'm just too happy! After today, there'll be no more clothes thrown everywhere, no more hour-long phone calls where all she says is "no way."
Claire: I think it's a little sad that you guys are doing this today. I remember when you used to get into the same bed on Christmas Eve and talk about all the presents you were gonna get. It's a perfect day for it!
Haley: When I wake up in my own room tomorrow, I'm going to be giving thanks for my independence. And isn't that what Christmas is all about?

Quote from Jay

Jay: Why do we keep changing things that don't need changing? Christmas is real trees and eggnog, Perry Como and Bing on the hi-fi.
Manny: Now you're just making up words.
Jay: I'm drawing a line in the sand. We're gonna get a real tree, and we're gonna cut it down like I did when I was a kid. Follow me.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay. I printed out the directions to Pepper's party.
Mitchell: We're calling it "The 12 gays of Christmas" now.
Cameron: Oh, just be thankful we talked him out of "Feliz navidude."

Quote from Lily

Lily: I can't eat. I'm too excited to get my Puppy Pound.
Mitchell: I'm- I'm sorry. Your what?
Lily: Puppy Pounds have six puppies with online profiles. Ask your parents before using the Internet.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [on the phone] How's it going?
Mitchell: There are no Puppy Pounds anywhere. It's like trying to find a Cabbage Patch Kid on Christmas Eve 1983.
Cameron: Still hurts, huh?
Mitchell: I had her bed all made.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: H-hey, Jotham! Oh, looks like someone did a little last-minute Christmas shopping. That Zaniel's a lucky guy.
Jotham: Yes, he is. But these are for Pepper's party.
Mitchell: His invitation said, "No gifts, please."
Jotham: Mm, say that again as Pepper.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: No gifts? Please. Five o'clock on Christmas Eve and I have to find a dozen perfect presents for the world's snarkiest, cattiest men. My dear, dear friends.

Quote from Jay

Jay: What the hell is this wood made of? They ought to make saws out of it!

Quote from Haley

Haley: Ugh, I thought this would be lighter without my shoes on it.
Alex: You know, once you set up your room, you could put books on this.
Haley: Books on a shoe shelf. Right.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Hi. Thank you again for coming.
Claire: No problem. I love babysitting!
Gloria: Good! We're going to run some quick errands.
Claire: Wait, if you're taking Joe-
Pilar: Hola, Claire!
Gloria: Around 4:00, she gets fussy for her bottle.

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: Lily, do you know why I'm able to relax and read this paper today?
Lily: Because you don't have a job?
Mitchell: FYI, I am starting a new job in exactly t- No. We're not doing this again. It's because I planned ahead. I finished my Christmas shopping weeks ago.
Lily: It's important to keep busy.
Mitchell: I- It is perfectly normal to take some downti- No. No!

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: What is she talking about? I-it's not on your list.
Lily: Yes, it is. "Puppy Pound."
Cameron: Oh, no! She put a "p" backwards. And, honey, there's a "u" in "pound. This says "guppy pond"!
Mitchell: Guppy pond!
Lily: What is a guppy pond?
Mitchell: It's only the... the coolest gift ever!
Lily: I want a Puppy Pound.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay. I am not pointing fingers, but our daughter had exactly one thing on her list, and someone didn't get it, so someone needs to go to the mall.
Mitchell: You're pointing fingers.
Cameron: No. It's still a "1." It just fell asleep on the job.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Ellipticaler's log, 12/24. Ten miles from Canadian border. Spirits -- high. Stamina -- strong. Must get another application of thigh lube. Oh, good. Luke.
Luke: Dad, I was with you on the tightrope. I was your wing man in the wing-eating competition. But I'm not feeling this one. You're missing Christmas Eve.
Phil: There's something more important than Christmas, son -- pride. If I don't make it to Canada, your mom wins, and this baby ends up in the garage first thing in the morning.
Luke: Our garage?

Quote from Jay

Jay: No. Bang. I know we've been hiking for an hour, but worth it when you look at this beauty, huh? That's why you don't cut down the first tree you see.
Manny: This is literally the first tree we saw. There's our car.
Jay: No, we started that way.
Manny: So, you're arguing that we walked entirely around the earth?
Jay: Give me the ax.

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