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41Quotes from ‘The Old Man & The Tree’

Modern Family: The Old Man & The Tree

510. The Old Man & The Tree

Aired December 11, 2013

Phil spends Christmas Eve on an elliptical trainer trying to win a bet he made with Claire a. As Jay and Manny head out to cut down their own Christmas tree, Gloria tries to avoid spending time with her mother, Pilar, until she sees her bonding with Claire. Meanwhile, Mitchell must brave the holiday traffic in a last minute bid to get Lily the right toy.

Quote from Gloria

Pilar: This is your great-grandmother's recipe. If she could see you now, she would die again, because you're doing it wrong!
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: My mother has been here all week. I love her very much, but you know what they say: house guests start to stink after three days, like dead bodies.

Quote from Manny

Jay: What the hell is that?
Manny: A fiber-optic tree. It's way better for the environment than a real one.
Jay: Not if the environment is my living room.
Manny: Look, I admit, it takes some getting used to, but so did Greek yogurt. Now I can't even remember how the old stuff tastes.

Quote from Luke

Luke: [aside to camera] I'm in charge of the recycling. I'm supposed to bring it from the garage to the curb by 6:00 A.M. Thursday morning. I may have missed a few weeks. Maybe more than a few weeks. After a while, the pile just got so big, I couldn't bring it out the night before or people would ask questions. I don't need people asking questions.

Quote from Phil

Luke: Then you're right! You've got to finish! You'll never use this thing in the garage! It's too drafty!
Phil: That's why I'm going to Canada, buddy. To avoid the draft!

Quote from Phil

Claire: [aside to camera] Last Christmas, Phil got an elliptical machine and vowed to walk the equivalent of our house to Canada in one year.
Phil: This body doesn't just happen, ladies.
Claire: If he didn't make it, no machine in the bedroom.
Phil: Except for this machine in the bedroom, ladies.
Claire: Who are these ladies?

Quote from Phil

Claire: Oh, Phil, give it up.
Phil: Oh, you would love that, wouldn't you? Just when I'm so close to the Canadian border, I can smell the bacon and the reasonably priced medications.

Quote from Haley

Alex: I'm just too happy! After today, there'll be no more clothes thrown everywhere, no more hour-long phone calls where all she says is "no way."
Claire: I think it's a little sad that you guys are doing this today. I remember when you used to get into the same bed on Christmas Eve and talk about all the presents you were gonna get. It's a perfect day for it!
Haley: When I wake up in my own room tomorrow, I'm going to be giving thanks for my independence. And isn't that what Christmas is all about?

Quote from Jay

Jay: Why do we keep changing things that don't need changing? Christmas is real trees and eggnog, Perry Como and Bing on the hi-fi.
Manny: Now you're just making up words.
Jay: I'm drawing a line in the sand. We're gonna get a real tree, and we're gonna cut it down like I did when I was a kid. Follow me.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay. I printed out the directions to Pepper's party.
Mitchell: We're calling it "The 12 gays of Christmas" now.
Cameron: Oh, just be thankful we talked him out of "Feliz navidude."

Quote from Lily

Lily: I can't eat. I'm too excited to get my Puppy Pound.
Mitchell: I'm- I'm sorry. Your what?
Lily: Puppy Pounds have six puppies with online profiles. Ask your parents before using the Internet.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [on the phone] How's it going?
Mitchell: There are no Puppy Pounds anywhere. It's like trying to find a Cabbage Patch Kid on Christmas Eve 1983.
Cameron: Still hurts, huh?
Mitchell: I had her bed all made.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: H-hey, Jotham! Oh, looks like someone did a little last-minute Christmas shopping. That Zaniel's a lucky guy.
Jotham: Yes, he is. But these are for Pepper's party.
Mitchell: His invitation said, "No gifts, please."
Jotham: Mm, say that again as Pepper.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: No gifts? Please. Five o'clock on Christmas Eve and I have to find a dozen perfect presents for the world's snarkiest, cattiest men. My dear, dear friends.

Quote from Jay

Jay: What the hell is this wood made of? They ought to make saws out of it!

Quote from Haley

Haley: Ugh, I thought this would be lighter without my shoes on it.
Alex: You know, once you set up your room, you could put books on this.
Haley: Books on a shoe shelf. Right.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Hi. Thank you again for coming.
Claire: No problem. I love babysitting!
Gloria: Good! We're going to run some quick errands.
Claire: Wait, if you're taking Joe-
Pilar: Hola, Claire!
Gloria: Around 4:00, she gets fussy for her bottle.

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: Lily, do you know why I'm able to relax and read this paper today?
Lily: Because you don't have a job?
Mitchell: FYI, I am starting a new job in exactly t- No. We're not doing this again. It's because I planned ahead. I finished my Christmas shopping weeks ago.
Lily: It's important to keep busy.
Mitchell: I- It is perfectly normal to take some downti- No. No!

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: What is she talking about? I-it's not on your list.
Lily: Yes, it is. "Puppy Pound."
Cameron: Oh, no! She put a "p" backwards. And, honey, there's a "u" in "pound. This says "guppy pond"!
Mitchell: Guppy pond!
Lily: What is a guppy pond?
Mitchell: It's only the... the coolest gift ever!
Lily: I want a Puppy Pound.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay. I am not pointing fingers, but our daughter had exactly one thing on her list, and someone didn't get it, so someone needs to go to the mall.
Mitchell: You're pointing fingers.
Cameron: No. It's still a "1." It just fell asleep on the job.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Ellipticaler's log, 12/24. Ten miles from Canadian border. Spirits -- high. Stamina -- strong. Must get another application of thigh lube. Oh, good. Luke.
Luke: Dad, I was with you on the tightrope. I was your wing man in the wing-eating competition. But I'm not feeling this one. You're missing Christmas Eve.
Phil: There's something more important than Christmas, son -- pride. If I don't make it to Canada, your mom wins, and this baby ends up in the garage first thing in the morning.
Luke: Our garage?

Quote from Jay

Jay: No. Bang. I know we've been hiking for an hour, but worth it when you look at this beauty, huh? That's why you don't cut down the first tree you see.
Manny: This is literally the first tree we saw. There's our car.
Jay: No, we started that way.
Manny: So, you're arguing that we walked entirely around the earth?
Jay: Give me the ax.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Don't give me that look. Trees are like women. The best ones make you work a little bit harder.
Manny: She's just not that into you.

Quote from Lily

Cameron: Oh, Lily, what a beautiful ornament! That's gonna make a little kid very happy.
Lily: Wait. I don't get to keep this? Why am I killing myself?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] I thought it was a charity event for the needy. Turns out, it was a charity event for the needy!

Quote from Lily

Lily: Look! Santa gave me a Puppy Pound!
Cameron: What? No.
Lily: I'm finally happy!
Cindy: I'd like a picture for the newsletter. You can show your mommy.
Lily: I don't have a mommy.
Cindy: This is why I do this.

Quote from Phil

Phil: That cramp could be a heart attack. Here's some advice I've been holding back on. Always shave with the grain. No reputable talent agent will ever ask for money up-front.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: That's a lot of product you're moving.
Luke: Just bring it to a recycling place.
Dylan: Not until I get paid.
Luke: [handing over fireworks] Just so you know, this is six weeks' allowance.
Dylan: Oh, you have the coolest parents ever.
Luke: I want to know when you're about to leave, so give me a honk.
Dylan: [honking Luke's nose] Honk!
Luke: From your car.

Quote from Phil

Phil: The best business card is a firm handshake. The best pick-up line is a tight pair of Dockers. The best Dockers are-
Luke: Dad, save your breath! You're in the last five miles.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I'm never gonna make it!
Luke: Of course you are! [car honks] Then again, do what you want. I got stuff to do.
Phil: I'm gonna quit.
Luke: Cool.
Phil: What's one more failure? You ever wonder why we take such a crazy route to school? So I don't have to drive by certain places. The flute teacher's house I went to once. The French cooking academy I quit after learning only two of the five mother sauces. The hot yoga studio I left after "happy baby." I guess there's no avoiding this big failure sitting in my garage.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Get up.
Phil: I appreciate it, buddy, but-
Luke: Get up. I don't know anything about flutes or cooking or happy babies, but I'm damn sure getting my dad to Canada. Now, mount that beast.
Phil: Thank you, son.
Luke: You can thank me after you cross the finish line and the celebration begins. Just picture that.
Phil: I'm picturing it! I'm picturing it! I'm really picturing it!

Quote from Alex

Alex: [as Mrs. Clause] What was that?
Santa: What was what?
Alex: Santa doesn't take breaks. He visits the North Pole! And why do you leave your things all over? Who do you think cleans this place up?
Santa: Oh, you are such a nag!
Alex: Can't we at least act like a happy couple during the holidays? For the children! Another hot chocolate? How many more of those are you going to drink?
Santa: At least it's warm, unlike you!
Haley: He travels a lot. She's put on cookie weight.

Quote from Jay

Manny: It's bald on one side now!
Jay: It'll be fine! We'll just comb over some branches!

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: You don't have to entertain her. After all, she's my mother.
Pilar: Ah, these used to be Glorita's favorite! She used to do headstands to get extra cookies. At least, she'd try.
Gloria: Yeah, but it's not easy! I mean, it's hard enough to keep all this right-side up! Imagine when I had to put it all right-side down!

Quote from Claire

Claire: I'm sorry. I I-I'm jealous.
Gloria: Ay, Claire. But you're beautiful, too, in your own way.
Claire: No. I'm not jealous of you. I am jealous of how your mother comes all the way to see you from Colombia, when my own mother won't even get on a bus from the almond co-op she lives on three hours away.

Quote from Gloria

Pilar: Did you ever think maybe there's a reason she sends you that gift?
Claire: Yeah, 'cause she found something when I was 8 years old that I actually liked, and she hasn't thought about it since.
Pilar: Well, maybe she thinks about it a lot. Maybe she remembers a time when she made you happy, and she wants to go back there.
Claire: Well, now I feel terrible. The only thing I sent her was an e-card.
Pilar: We don't like to admit it but mothers never get over the day their daughters leave them. We never stop needing our little girls.
Gloria: I will never stop needing you, mama.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Wake up! He is not coming back! We need to change into our regular clothes and sneak out. Who am I kidding? My eyes are unforgettable.
Alex: I couldn't even hold on to a fake husband. I always thought you were the tough one to live with, but maybe I am.
Haley: Okay, they've breached the jelly bean moat. This is a problem.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Only 100 more yards. You're just aboot there! Can you see it?

Quote from Phil

Phil: It's so beautiful. It's so green. And, wow, those are high up there.
Luke: The mountains?
Phil: No, my shorts again. Would you mind giving them one last tug?
Luke: You're crossing the border.
Phil: Yeah, I know, and I feel bad asking, but I'm tasting cotton.

Quote from Cameron

Boy: Body-fat scale?
Cameron: I wish I would've had one of those when I was your age. You're welcome.

Quote from Lily

Boy: Who's Robert Mapplethorp?
Mitchell: Actually, I'm gonna need that one back. Sorry.
Boy: That's okay. All I really wanted this year was a Puppy Pound.
Lily: Here. You can have mine. It's really fun.
Cameron: Oh, my gosh. That's the sweetest thing I've ever seen!

Quote from Manny

Manny: I thought Pritchetts never give up.
Jay: They know when to give up, which is its own kind of victory.
Manny: Unless...
Jay: What?
Manny: No, it's crazy. Unless...
Jay: Are you really gonna make me ask you again?

Quote from Phil

Phil: I'll see you in Vancouver, eh? No. Luke, do the accent again?
Claire: [o.s.] Oh, are you on that machine?
Phil: Yes, Juliana, but unlike your husband, I'll be finished before you know it. [later] You know what? It's actually easier this way! Wonder if you could patent a movement? Call it "fliptical" [later]
Alex: [o.s.] Dad, trick or treaters! We're out of candy!
Phil: Who is this dad? I'm Gandalf. Huzzah!


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