510. The Old Man & The Tree
Aired December 11, 2013
Phil spends Christmas Eve on an elliptical trainer trying to win a bet he made with Claire a. As Jay and Manny head out to cut down their own Christmas tree, Gloria tries to avoid spending time with her mother, Pilar, until she sees her bonding with Claire. Meanwhile, Mitchell must brave the holiday traffic in a last minute bid to get Lily the right toy.
Quote from Gloria
Pilar: This is your great-grandmother's recipe. If she could see you now, she would die again, because you're doing it wrong!
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: My mother has been here all week. I love her very much, but you know what they say: house guests start to stink after three days, like dead bodies.
Quote from Manny
Jay: What the hell is that?
Manny: A fiber-optic tree. It's way better for the environment than a real one.
Jay: Not if the environment is my living room.
Manny: Look, I admit, it takes some getting used to, but so did Greek yogurt. Now I can't even remember how the old stuff tastes.
Quote from Luke
Luke: [aside to camera] I'm in charge of the recycling. I'm supposed to bring it from the garage to the curb by 6:00 A.M. Thursday morning. I may have missed a few weeks. Maybe more than a few weeks. After a while, the pile just got so big, I couldn't bring it out the night before or people would ask questions. I don't need people asking questions.
Quote from Phil
Luke: Then you're right! You've got to finish! You'll never use this thing in the garage! It's too drafty!
Phil: That's why I'm going to Canada, buddy. To avoid the draft!
Quote from Phil
Claire: [aside to camera] Last Christmas, Phil got an elliptical machine and vowed to walk the equivalent of our house to Canada in one year.
Phil: This body doesn't just happen, ladies.
Claire: If he didn't make it, no machine in the bedroom.
Phil: Except for this machine in the bedroom, ladies.
Claire: Who are these ladies?
Quote from Phil
Claire: Oh, Phil, give it up.
Phil: Oh, you would love that, wouldn't you? Just when I'm so close to the Canadian border, I can smell the bacon and the reasonably priced medications.
Quote from Haley
Alex: I'm just too happy! After today, there'll be no more clothes thrown everywhere, no more hour-long phone calls where all she says is "no way."
Claire: I think it's a little sad that you guys are doing this today. I remember when you used to get into the same bed on Christmas Eve and talk about all the presents you were gonna get. It's a perfect day for it!
Haley: When I wake up in my own room tomorrow, I'm going to be giving thanks for my independence. And isn't that what Christmas is all about?
Quote from Jay
Jay: Why do we keep changing things that don't need changing? Christmas is real trees and eggnog, Perry Como and Bing on the hi-fi.
Manny: Now you're just making up words.
Jay: I'm drawing a line in the sand. We're gonna get a real tree, and we're gonna cut it down like I did when I was a kid. Follow me.
Quote from Cameron
Cameron: Okay. I printed out the directions to Pepper's party.
Mitchell: We're calling it "The 12 gays of Christmas" now.
Cameron: Oh, just be thankful we talked him out of "Feliz navidude."
Quote from Lily
Lily: I can't eat. I'm too excited to get my Puppy Pound.
Mitchell: I'm- I'm sorry. Your what?
Lily: Puppy Pounds have six puppies with online profiles. Ask your parents before using the Internet.