Pilar: This is your great-grandmother's recipe. If she could see you now, she would die again, because you're doing it wrong!
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: My mother has been here all week. I love her very much, but you know what they say: house guests start to stink after three days, like dead bodies.

Jay: What the hell is that?
Manny: A fiber-optic tree. It's way better for the environment than a real one.
Jay: Not if the environment is my living room.
Manny: Look, I admit, it takes some getting used to, but so did Greek yogurt. Now I can't even remember how the old stuff tastes.

Luke: [aside to camera] I'm in charge of the recycling. I'm supposed to bring it from the garage to the curb by 6:00 A.M. Thursday morning. I may have missed a few weeks. Maybe more than a few weeks. After a while, the pile just got so big, I couldn't bring it out the night before or people would ask questions. I don't need people asking questions.

Luke: Then you're right! You've got to finish! You'll never use this thing in the garage! It's too drafty!
Phil: That's why I'm going to Canada, buddy. To avoid the draft!

Claire: [aside to camera] Last Christmas, Phil got an elliptical machine and vowed to walk the equivalent of our house to Canada in one year.
Phil: This body doesn't just happen, ladies.
Claire: If he didn't make it, no machine in the bedroom.
Phil: Except for this machine in the bedroom, ladies.
Claire: Who are these ladies?

Claire: Oh, Phil, give it up.
Phil: Oh, you would love that, wouldn't you? Just when I'm so close to the Canadian border, I can smell the bacon and the reasonably priced medications.

Alex: I'm just too happy! After today, there'll be no more clothes thrown everywhere, no more hour-long phone calls where all she says is "no way."
Claire: I think it's a little sad that you guys are doing this today. I remember when you used to get into the same bed on Christmas Eve and talk about all the presents you were gonna get. It's a perfect day for it!
Haley: When I wake up in my own room tomorrow, I'm going to be giving thanks for my independence. And isn't that what Christmas is all about?

Jay: Why do we keep changing things that don't need changing? Christmas is real trees and eggnog, Perry Como and Bing on the hi-fi.
Manny: Now you're just making up words.
Jay: I'm drawing a line in the sand. We're gonna get a real tree, and we're gonna cut it down like I did when I was a kid. Follow me.

Cameron: Okay. I printed out the directions to Pepper's party.
Mitchell: We're calling it "The 12 gays of Christmas" now.
Cameron: Oh, just be thankful we talked him out of "Feliz navidude."

Lily: I can't eat. I'm too excited to get my Puppy Pound.
Mitchell: I'm- I'm sorry. Your what?
Lily: Puppy Pounds have six puppies with online profiles. Ask your parents before using the Internet.