Manny: Is something wrong? Who's died?
Gloria: No one, Manny.
Jay: Why would you even think that?
Gloria: In Colombia, Manny went to Pablo Escobar Elementary School. If you were pulled out of class, it was definitely to identify a body.

Gloria: [aside to camera] The poncho by itself is fine. The poncho plus the flute plus the stupid dance, my son will die a virgin.
Jay: That's right.

Gloria: I support Manny no matter what. Children need to know that you believe in them. It's the most important thing. If you tell them they have wings, they will believe they can fly.
Jay: Oh, really? I had a buddy went to Woodstock, believed he could fly. Didn't end great. It's why hotel windows don't open anymore.

Cameron: [aside to camera] I guess I'm somewhat of a shutterbug, um, and my new favorite model, of course, is Lily. I just completed a series of photographs of her dressed as various pop icons. Let's see, I've done, uh, Olivia Newton-John. I've done Madonna, the early years. Stevie Wonder.
Mitchell: Yeah, there are days when Lily has more costume changes than Cher.
Cameron: [gasps] Cher! How could I forget Cher? That's embarrassing.
Mitchell: That's embarrassing?

Jay: I'm sorry, but there's only two places anyone should wear a poncho: Niagara falls and log rides.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] My dad has this perception that I was very flamboyant as a kid, which is just- It's nonsense, because I kept the whole gay thing very under wraps. You know, I was just a guy's guy. I-I was basically a jock. You know?

Dr. Miura: There doesn't seem to be any mark.
Cameron: Well, her head was somewhat protected.
Dr. Miura: Protected? Was she wearing a hat?
Mitchell: Yes, yes. It was like a hat.
Cameron: It was a wig. Actually, sort of a ghetto-fabulous afro thing. I thought it might be medically relevant.
Mitchell: Really? You thought "ghetto-fabulous" might be medically relevant?

Trina: Emergency assistance. This is Trina.
Mitchell: [on the phone] Help! We locked our baby in the car, and people are judging us!
Cameron: I swear to god, I'm gonna break it!
Mitchell: Do not break the window! You'll get glass on her!
Trina: Sir, please tell your wife to relax. Everything is going to be okay.
Mitchell: That's a man.
Trina: Really?

Luke: I need help. I was supposed to keep a journal all summer. It's due today.
Claire: Wow, first day of school, and you're already behind?
Luke: I'm dead.
Claire: All right, tell me how far you've gotten.
Luke: Okay. "June 21st. Found a stick."
Claire: Mm.
Luke: "June 22nd" That's it.
Claire: That's it?
Luke: It was a really cool stick.
Phil: He's right. It looked like a snake.

Claire: [aside to camera]Getting everybody out of the house in the morning can be really tough, especially the first day of school.
Phil: From the minute we get up at 7:00 till we drop them off at school, it is go, go, go.
Claire: I get up at 6:00.
Phil: [chuckles] I get up at 5:00.
Claire: Seriously, I get up at 6:00.
Phil: That's you? I th- I thought we had a raccoon.