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29Quotes from ‘Royal Visit’

Modern Family: Royal Visit

917. Royal Visit

Aired March 28, 2018

When Haley's brilliant astrophysicist boyfriend comes for dinner, Claire and Phil compete to see which one of them is smarter. Alex is nervous about the family meeting her firefighter boyfriend, Bill. Jay and Gloria feel inferior alongside the fit and adventurous parents of Joe's friend. When Mitchell and Cameron attend a yoga retreat, Cam sneaks out to see the Kansas City Royals, who are training next door.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Haley's dating this genius astrophysics professor who's somehow making her smarter because, last week, I called Pluto a planet and Haley laughed at me. In pity. Haley.
Claire: Haley.
Phil: Haley.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Do we think that Haley is suited to a professor, because I more saw her with a Gilligan type?
Phil: Come on, now. Lots of happy couples aren't the exact same level of smart.
Claire: That's true. We work.
Phil: Yeah. Wait. When you say, "We work," do you think you're smarter than me or I'm smarter than you?
Claire: I think I'm smart enough not to have this conversation.
Phil: Oh, my God! You do! You think you're smarter than me! Okay, hotshot. How many patents do you have? Headscratcher TM, Aspirin Gun, Polite Car Horn that'll put an end to road rage. [high-pitched] Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Wow. Henry's dad did such a great job with the birthday party for the kids, huh? "Henry's dad".
Jay: "Henry's dad". I took Joe to see "African Queen" in CinemaScope.

Quote from Cameron

Attendant: So, the float lasts for one hour, during which most people simply experience a deep, relaxed state.
Mitchell: Most people? W-What about the rest? W-What do they experience? Okay, a-are these scratches on this lid here?
Cameron: Oh, come on, Mitchell. The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all.
Attendant: Very well put.
Mitchell: He didn't make that up. It's from "Mulan". Our daughter made us watch it a thousand times.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I tried to relax in there, I really did. But it was difficult. I-I guess because I felt like I was, um... Oh, what's the word? Dying. But I got past that, only to start reliving every mistake I have ever made, like when I went to an Oscar party and I said "Bett" Davis in front of a room full of vicious gays. Honestly, the only thing that kept me in there was the knowledge that Cam was right next door.

Quote from Cameron

Doctor Randy: My apologies. We happen to be next door to the Royals.
Mitchell: [gasps] Oh, my God, we just binged "The Crown". W-W-Which royals? William and Kate? Harry and the "Suits" girl?
Doctor Randy: Actually, it's the Kansas City Royals. Spring training, their practice field is next door.
Cameron: [gasps]
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Growing up a Royals fan, it was always my dream to see them at spring training. So, I just decided, after the retreat was over, I'm just gonna swing by, you know, grab an autograph, maybe whisper an opinion in the manager's ear, be discovered as a great baseball mind. Then the Yankees would come calling, and then I'd have to choose between the team I love and the the big payout. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Arrgh! Ughh!
Gloria: What are you doing? I grunted less when I was giving birth to Joe.
Jay: You were pushing six and a half pounds, I'm pushing 220.
Gloria: You're dressing younger. You're exercising. You only had one breakfast this morning. Who is she, Jay? I'll kill her.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Which have more chromosomes, potatoes or humans? Humans, right? Potatoes?! [laughs] Oh, Krazy Kups, what can't you teach us?

Quote from Luke

Luke: You must be the genius boyfriend.
Bill: That is what the guys call me. They're always, like, you know, "Hey, genius". I'm like, "Hey, guys".
Luke: So, tell me, are there aliens?
Bill: You kidding? 100%.
Luke: Oh, I knew it. Wait, and the zombiepocalypse?
Bill: Dude, I tell everyone, "Start building up an immunity to zombie bites. Now".
Luke: I'm so glad we talked.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Hey, where's Bill?
Alex: I don't know. He's probably outside. When he gets agitated, he likes to climb stuff. That lunch was insane. Can you believe Mom and Dad?
Haley: No, and, uh, I can't believe you either. You're so mean to Bill. What do you have against hot people? What did we ever do to you?
Alex: You lost me.
Haley: You're gonna blow it with that guy, and he's really nice. Why do you have to make him feel so dumb?
Alex: Okay, you don't know what you're talking about.
Haley: Oh, yes, I do. Because it's the same way you've always treated me. It sucks. You know what Arvin never does? Makes me feel less smart than him. So, who cares if Bill's not a member of Menses? Look, this is the first boyfriend you've ever had that is age appropriate, employed, and doesn't look like he's dying on a ship.

Quote from Mitchell

Doctor Randy: During your weekend here, you will explore ways through yoga, breathing and other mindful pratices to reconnect with yourself and your partner. Also, for a small donation, we have an on-site shaman who can heal your chakras.
Mitchell: Small donation? Sounds like a "chakra con".

Quote from Jay

Jay: Relax, would ya? I'm just trying to get in shape.
Gloria: Okay, but hurry, because we have to go and pick up Joe at the birthday party. Wait a minute. Is that what this is all about Henry's father? I don't understand why you're so insecure just because he's younger, stronger, and more rugged than you are.
Jay: Go easy. I'm working on only one breakfast.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Joe won't shut up about his new friend's dad. "Henry's dad is so tough". Who cares? He was a stunt double in a couple of "Bourne" movies. From the first time Joe went over there, that guy's been trying to prove how cool he is.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Growing up, I thought my dad was the coolest. And that made me feel good about myself. I mean, I try to stay with it.
Gloria: Exactly! Look at you, you even have a smart watch.
Jay: Yeah, the damn thing tells me when to stand up, when to breathe. [watch beeps]
Watch: [female voice] Your body mass index is-
Jay: Nobody asked!

Quote from Luke

Claire: Your sister is dating a professor of astrophysics, and he's coming here today to meet us.
Luke: Oh, good, someone to talk to. I'm tired of dumbing it down for you chuckle-heads.

Quote from Alex

Alex: [aside to camera] It was hard for me when Haley started dating Arvin, my professor and science hero and okay, fine, crush. I was so upset, I went home, and I may have overindulged on Bagel Bites. He was like a superhero. A beautiful not-so-smart superhero. The last thing I wanted was Professor Fennerman finding out I was dating a dummy. A sweet, chiseled dummy.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Hello, Arvin. It's a pleasure to meet you.
Phil: Yes, you are the first TED Talkin' science superstar we've ever had in our house.
Arvin: Well, as long as I'm a "superstar" and not a supernova. [all laugh]
Alex: You don't even know what you're laughing at.

Quote from Cameron

George Brett: Yeah, how are ya?
Cameron: Uh, good. My name's Cameron.
George Brett: Nice to meet you, Cam.
Cameron: Nice to meet you. Been a fan for- Hey, do you mind if I get a picture?
George Brett: Not at all. Not at all. 300 bucks, how's that sound? I'm retired.
Cameron: 300?
George Brett: I'm just kidding. [both laugh] Come on, it's free.

Quote from Claire

Arvin: Sorry for the interruption.
Haley: Everything okay?
Arvin: Well, the short story is, yes. The long story is, the theory on which I've based much of my career has just been disproven.
Alex: What? Your Vacuum Energy Density Theory? I'm- I'm so sorry.
Phil: Me, too. That was the density theory I thought really worked.
Claire: Really, Phil, what was your second choice?

Quote from Phil

Claire: So, Bill, you are a firefighter?
Bill: Yeah, my three favorite things are helping people, sliding down poles, and hanging off trucks, so I figured might as well make a career out of it.
Arvin: Well, it's good that your favorite things weren't chloroform, duct tape, and windowless vans.
Phil: [laughter] Claire, the joke is he'd be a kidnapper.
Claire: I got it. You know, Phil used to think it was "duck" tape. Like, duck.
Phil: Claire didn't understand the ending of "La La Land".

Quote from Haley

Haley: Sorry. They're not normally like this. Clearly, they're going through something they can't even drop for one important lunch.
Luke: They're arguing over who's smarter, and there's only one way to settle it.
Haley: Another time, in the presence of a marriage counselor?
Luke: Nope. Brain Battle.

Quote from Phil

Luke: "Who wrote 'Moby Dick'?"
Phil: Herman Munster. Herman Munster.
Claire: Herman Melville.
Phil: Melville!

Quote from Claire

Luke: "This Paul Newman character had a 'cool hand'?"
Claire: Luke!
Luke: Yep.
Claire: Counts! Counts.

Quote from Jay

Joe: Henry's dad climbed the wall with one hand! It was awesome!
Jay: Yeah, well, his career rides on Matt Damon not doing any artsy, think-y movies, so I wouldn't count on Henry going to your school much longer.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Okay, get down and don't move.
Jay: That's gonna be tough. I can smell Cinnabon.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Where have you been?
Cameron: Oh, hey. I just stayed in the tank a little a little extra. How- What a great experience. Just being alone with yourself-
Mitchell: Oh, I was never alone. I-I saw the face of every bully, I replayed every humiliation-
Cameron: Is this about "Bett" Davis again? Okay, we had just watched "Ruthless People". You're thinking Midler. You gotta let it go.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: You have a farmer's tan.
Cameron: What have I told you about that expression? I can say it
Mitchell: Oh, my- T-t-t That's why you're burned. You went Royal watching!
Cameron: I was only gonna stay for a second, but George Brett George George Brett cornered me. And you know how I am with famous people. I can't say "No". Remember when I spent the entire day at the pool with Downtown Julie Brown?
Mitchell: You shamed me into coming here only to leave me soaking in a bowl of trauma soup?

Quote from Cameron

[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: It was amazing. There were no words, but I could feel Cam taking full responsibility for our fight.
[separably to camera:]
Cameron: Total silence, but Mitchell's eyes said, "It's all on me". You know, "I was wrong. What would I do without you?" It was a beautiful weekend. Plus, George Brett signed my ball. [chuckles] Oh, "To Cam, all my best wishes, George Brett. P.S. We are not done with this"? Mitchell! Did you write on my ball?!

Quote from Phil

Claire: Today our whole goal was to impress you. We made fools of ourselves.
Phil: I have a magic shop that's bleeding money. Thousands.
Claire: What?
Phil: It's fine.

Quote from Jay

Joe: I can't wait to tell everyone how cool you guys are!
Jay: We're not cool, Joe. That's not what people do when a policeman pulls them over. In fact, there's nothing cool about us.
Gloria: Well, I don't think we should be lumped into [siren chirps]
Jay: Lights! Joe, there are more important things than being cool.
Joe: Uh, like what?
Jay: Look, the point is, Joe, we love you too much to let you think dumb moves like this are okay.
Joe: So, what do we do now?
Jay: We're gonna do the right thing. [later:] Officer! Uh... Where's Cinnabon?


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