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Royal Visit

‘Royal Visit’

Season 9, Episode 17 -  Aired March 28, 2018

When Haley's brilliant astrophysicist boyfriend comes for dinner, Claire and Phil compete to see which one of them is smarter. Alex is nervous about the family meeting her firefighter boyfriend, Bill. Jay and Gloria feel inferior alongside the fit and adventurous parents of Joe's friend. When Mitchell and Cameron attend a yoga retreat, Cam sneaks out to see the Kansas City Royals, who are training next door.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Haley's dating this genius astrophysics professor who's somehow making her smarter because, last week, I called Pluto a planet and Haley laughed at me. In pity. Haley.
Claire: Haley.
Phil: Haley.


Quote from Phil

Claire: Do we think that Haley is suited to a professor, because I more saw her with a Gilligan type?
Phil: Come on, now. Lots of happy couples aren't the exact same level of smart.
Claire: That's true. We work.
Phil: Yeah. Wait. When you say, "We work," do you think you're smarter than me or I'm smarter than you?
Claire: I think I'm smart enough not to have this conversation.
Phil: Oh, my God! You do! You think you're smarter than me! Okay, hotshot. How many patents do you have? Headscratcher TM, Aspirin Gun, Polite Car Horn that'll put an end to road rage. [high-pitched] Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Wow. Henry's dad did such a great job with the birthday party for the kids, huh? "Henry's dad".
Jay: "Henry's dad". I took Joe to see "African Queen" in CinemaScope.

Quote from Cameron

Attendant: So, the float lasts for one hour, during which most people simply experience a deep, relaxed state.
Mitchell: Most people? W-What about the rest? W-What do they experience? Okay, a-are these scratches on this lid here?
Cameron: Oh, come on, Mitchell. The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all.
Attendant: Very well put.
Mitchell: He didn't make that up. It's from "Mulan". Our daughter made us watch it a thousand times.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I tried to relax in there, I really did. But it was difficult. I-I guess because I felt like I was, um... Oh, what's the word? Dying. But I got past that, only to start reliving every mistake I have ever made, like when I went to an Oscar party and I said "Bett" Davis in front of a room full of vicious gays. Honestly, the only thing that kept me in there was the knowledge that Cam was right next door.

Quote from Cameron

Doctor Randy: My apologies. We happen to be next door to the Royals.
Mitchell: [gasps] Oh, my God, we just binged "The Crown". W-W-Which royals? William and Kate? Harry and the "Suits" girl?
Doctor Randy: Actually, it's the Kansas City Royals. Spring training, their practice field is next door.
Cameron: [gasps]
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Growing up a Royals fan, it was always my dream to see them at spring training. So, I just decided, after the retreat was over, I'm just gonna swing by, you know, grab an autograph, maybe whisper an opinion in the manager's ear, be discovered as a great baseball mind. Then the Yankees would come calling, and then I'd have to choose between the team I love and the the big payout. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Which have more chromosomes, potatoes or humans? Humans, right? Potatoes?! [laughs] Oh, Krazy Kups, what can't you teach us?

Quote from Luke

Luke: You must be the genius boyfriend.
Bill: That is what the guys call me. They're always, like, you know, "Hey, genius". I'm like, "Hey, guys".
Luke: So, tell me, are there aliens?
Bill: You kidding? 100%.
Luke: Oh, I knew it. Wait, and the zombiepocalypse?
Bill: Dude, I tell everyone, "Start building up an immunity to zombie bites. Now".
Luke: I'm so glad we talked.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Hey, where's Bill?
Alex: I don't know. He's probably outside. When he gets agitated, he likes to climb stuff. That lunch was insane. Can you believe Mom and Dad?
Haley: No, and, uh, I can't believe you either. You're so mean to Bill. What do you have against hot people? What did we ever do to you?
Alex: You lost me.
Haley: You're gonna blow it with that guy, and he's really nice. Why do you have to make him feel so dumb?
Alex: Okay, you don't know what you're talking about.
Haley: Oh, yes, I do. Because it's the same way you've always treated me. It sucks. You know what Arvin never does? Makes me feel less smart than him. So, who cares if Bill's not a member of Menses? Look, this is the first boyfriend you've ever had that is age appropriate, employed, and doesn't look like he's dying on a ship.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Arrgh! Ughh!
Gloria: What are you doing? I grunted less when I was giving birth to Joe.
Jay: You were pushing six and a half pounds, I'm pushing 220.
Gloria: You're dressing younger. You're exercising. You only had one breakfast this morning. Who is she, Jay? I'll kill her.

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