Haley: Gloria, you must be so hot in that.
Gloria: I am in mourning. In Colombia, we take death very seriously.
Alex: Where don't they?
Jay: Can we lose the veil? Nobody's looking for you, Gloria.
Gloria: Who is Gloria?
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: I am a wanted woman in Florida. I used to live there, and when I left, my roommate made our apartment into a house of prostitution, and my name was still on the lease.
Jay: It's like a traffic ticket. You walk into court, pay a fine, it's done. Quick and easy.
Gloria: Yes, that was the name of the whorehouse.

Jay: [aside to camera] I'm down there for a funeral. It's such a sad event. And I end up finding something that I thought was lost forever. This beautiful moment that meant so much to both of us, set against the backdrop of fighting commies. There's your movie.

Phil: Please, by the way, don't feel pressured at all. My dad doesn't even know about this. I-I just- I had to tell you. It's what she wanted. She was always doing crazy stuff like this. Going out of her way to take care of us. I coughed on the phone once, and she overnighted me soup. When I wanted to learn how to ski, she knit me a sweater. When I wanted to be a marine biologist, she knit me a sweater with a whale on it. [laughs] Who does that? That's just the kind of person she is. Was.
Annie: Oh, sweetie. You're a good son.
Phil: She was right. You are very nice.

Alex: "This is a lighter. It belonged to my favorite actor, Paul Newman. One day, he came into the restaurant where I was waitressing and accidentally left it behind. For the first time in my life, I did something I wasn't supposed to and slipped it into my pocket. One of the customers saw and said, 'Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me.' That customer turned out to be the love of my life, your grandfather. So, my Alex, who I love so dearly, who is probably too much like me for her own good, every once in a while, don't be afraid to break the rules. You never know what can happen."

Manny: How 'bout this weather?
Luke: Yep. They say it's supposed to rain.
Manny: We need it. Muriel.
Claire: Hey! Are you two packed up and ready to go?
Luke & Manny: Yep.
Manny: Where does the time go?
Luke: Darned if I know. Everyone's always in such a hurry.
Manny: And why? We're all gonna end up in the same place.
Luke: Well, I guess we better mosey.
[Luke and Manny groan as they stand up from the rocking chairs]

Judge Bartley: Next. Anita Menchaca. Petty theft.
Anita Menchaca: Si. Mister, you're a lawyer? Help me, please.
Mitchell: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm her lawyer.
Gloria: No, no, help her, so this will go faster. And she reminds me of my abuela, with her head scarf and her petty theft charges.

Cameron: Grace was such a kind and whimsical soul. The different animals she put antlers on for Christmas cards-- inspired.
Phil: Not a single one was photoshopped.
Cameron: Not even the alligator?
Phil: Cost her the tip of her pinkie, but she had no regrets.

Phil: Oh! I'm so glad you guys are here. I hope it wasn't too hard to get away from work.
Mitchell: No. Please, anything for family.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Anything to get me out of that office. Ugh! It's all boring paperwork and endless meetings. Honestly, this funeral could not have come at a better time.
Cameron: Aw, that's sweet. You should put that on the flowers.

Jay: Mitchell, can you go with her to court? She's gonna need some sort of lawyer.
Cameron: Uh, you know, Jay, Mitchell is so burnt out right now. He is in desperate need of a break.
Mitchell: Bench warrants are a no-brainer. And, I mean, come on. Does Gloria really look like the kind of woman who would run a brothel? Yeah, I better go with her.
Cameron: You should go.

Claire: How are you holding on, hmm?
Phil: Oh, well, you know, we're getting through it. Huh, dad?
Frank: Ah. I'm doing okay. A little trouble sleeping. I'm so used to her snoring, I may have to borrow the neighbor's bulldog.