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‘Goodnight, Gracie’ Quotes

Modern Family: Goodnight, Gracie

424. Goodnight, Gracie

Aired May 22, 2013

After Phil's mother passes away, the whole family family flies down to Florida to be with him and Frank. While Claire helps Phil to honor Gracie's last wish, the kids reflect on the gifts their grandmother left them. Meanwhile, Mitchell joins Gloria at the courthouse to deal with an outstanding arrest warrant, Cam fits right in at a women's bookclub in the retirement community, and Jay is sure he recognizes Frank's neighbor from somewhere.

Quote from Gloria

Haley: Gloria, you must be so hot in that.
Gloria: I am in mourning. In Colombia, we take death very seriously.
Alex: Where don't they?
Jay: Can we lose the veil? Nobody's looking for you, Gloria.
Gloria: Who is Gloria?
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: I am a wanted woman in Florida. I used to live there, and when I left, my roommate made our apartment into a house of prostitution, and my name was still on the lease.
Jay: It's like a traffic ticket. You walk into court, pay a fine, it's done. Quick and easy.
Gloria: Yes, that was the name of the whorehouse.

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Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I'm down there for a funeral. It's such a sad event. And I end up finding something that I thought was lost forever. This beautiful moment that meant so much to both of us, set against the backdrop of fighting commies. There's your movie.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Please, by the way, don't feel pressured at all. My dad doesn't even know about this. I-I just- I had to tell you. It's what she wanted. She was always doing crazy stuff like this. Going out of her way to take care of us. I coughed on the phone once, and she overnighted me soup. When I wanted to learn how to ski, she knit me a sweater. When I wanted to be a marine biologist, she knit me a sweater with a whale on it. [laughs] Who does that? That's just the kind of person she is. Was.
Annie: Oh, sweetie. You're a good son.
Phil: She was right. You are very nice.

Quote from Alex

Alex: "This is a lighter. It belonged to my favorite actor, Paul Newman. One day, he came into the restaurant where I was waitressing and accidentally left it behind. For the first time in my life, I did something I wasn't supposed to and slipped it into my pocket. One of the customers saw and said, 'Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me.' That customer turned out to be the love of my life, your grandfather. So, my Alex, who I love so dearly, who is probably too much like me for her own good, every once in a while, don't be afraid to break the rules. You never know what can happen."

Quote from Luke

Manny: How 'bout this weather?
Luke: Yep. They say it's supposed to rain.
Manny: We need it. Muriel.
Claire: Hey! Are you two packed up and ready to go?
Luke & Manny: Yep.
Manny: Where does the time go?
Luke: Darned if I know. Everyone's always in such a hurry.
Manny: And why? We're all gonna end up in the same place.
Luke: Well, I guess we better mosey.
[Luke and Manny groan as they stand up from the rocking chairs]

Quote from Gloria

Judge Bartley: Next. Anita Menchaca. Petty theft.
Anita Menchaca: Si. Mister, you're a lawyer? Help me, please.
Mitchell: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm her lawyer.
Gloria: No, no, help her, so this will go faster. And she reminds me of my abuela, with her head scarf and her petty theft charges.

Quote from Phil

Cameron: Grace was such a kind and whimsical soul. The different animals she put antlers on for Christmas cards-- inspired.
Phil: Not a single one was photoshopped.
Cameron: Not even the alligator?
Phil: Cost her the tip of her pinkie, but she had no regrets.

Quote from Mitchell

Phil: Oh! I'm so glad you guys are here. I hope it wasn't too hard to get away from work.
Mitchell: No. Please, anything for family.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Anything to get me out of that office. Ugh! It's all boring paperwork and endless meetings. Honestly, this funeral could not have come at a better time.
Cameron: Aw, that's sweet. You should put that on the flowers.

Quote from Mitchell

Jay: Mitchell, can you go with her to court? She's gonna need some sort of lawyer.
Cameron: Uh, you know, Jay, Mitchell is so burnt out right now. He is in desperate need of a break.
Mitchell: Bench warrants are a no-brainer. And, I mean, come on. Does Gloria really look like the kind of woman who would run a brothel? Yeah, I better go with her.
Cameron: You should go.

Quote from Frank

Claire: How are you holding on, hmm?
Phil: Oh, well, you know, we're getting through it. Huh, dad?
Frank: Ah. I'm doing okay. A little trouble sleeping. I'm so used to her snoring, I may have to borrow the neighbor's bulldog.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Morning, Charlotte! This is my family from California!
Charlotte: I can tell. They all look like movie stars.
Cameron: Oh, thank you.
Jay: That's nuts. I know that woman, but I have no idea from where.
Frank: Yeah. This place is full of stories like that.

Quote from Cameron

Marilyn: Hey, you. Are you liking that book?
Cameron: Well, it's not the worst thing I've picked up at an airport, but close. What is this, a book club or a Miss America Pageant?
[The girls all laugh]
Edith: We're looking for our next book.
Cameron: Oh, what are you reading now?
Hattie: "Tempted By Her Innocent Kiss." I-I'm sure you don't know it.
Cameron: Oh, please. Devon Carter was Ashley's first, she wants their passion to last, but her hopes of true love are crushed when she finds out their marriage is just another one of daddy's business deals. I'm gay.
Hattie: Oh! My grandson is gay. His name is Daniel Schulman. Uh, do you know him?
Cameron: Oh! Is he about this tall, dark hair, circumcised? [women all laugh]
Hattie: [laughing] Terrible.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Look what my dad just gave me.
Claire: Please tell me that's not your mom.
Phil: No, no. She picked out her own urn. My dad keeps saying it's a size too small but she squeezed into it.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Honey, hey, hey. So you're not gonna do what your mom asked?
Phil: Marry off my dad to a complete stranger on the day of her funeral? I think not.
Claire: It was her last wish.
Phil: When my dad is ready, he gets to pick his own girlfriend. That's the big upside to your wife dying. Also, not having to think before you speak.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: It seems to me it wasn't only the meter that was broken that fateful afternoon. Nay! It was the entire criminal justice system.
[later:]
Mitchell: Therefore I submit to you, the only "influence" my client was under that night was his love of boating.
[later:]
Mitchell: Shame!

Quote from Haley

Alex: I just don't get it. Why would she give me a lighter?
Haley: Maybe she wants you to burn all your clothes.
Alex: Is it possible we didn't have the connection I thought we did?
Haley: I don't know. You heard Dad. She was on all that medication towards the end. People do weird things when they're on drugs. When Dylan was on Vicodin after his root canal, he bought the complete DVD set of "Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman."

Quote from Cameron

Marilyn: You are very good. Where'd a farm boy like you learn to play mahjong?
Cameron: Oh, well, one summer, I worked at the central Missouri b'Nai b'rith. It's the nation's smallest chapter.

Quote from Jay

Jay: You look very familiar to me. Did you ever live in Ohio?
Charlotte: No. I'm from Pensacola.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: And then it hit me. I had done my basic training in Pensacola. She was my first. I'll never forget her. Charlotte somebody. I was 18, and she was 31. And we fell pretty hard for each other. I always felt bad I never called her when I got back from Vietnam. Especially because by then I had, you know, learned a few things.

Quote from Jay

Charlotte: I'm sorry. You'll have to forgive me. My memory isn't what it used to be.
Jay: I was in the Navy. Jay Pritchett. Little more up here, little less down here.
Charlotte: I'm sure you're a very nice man, but I-I think you may have mistaken me for someone else.
Jay: I was shipping off to Vietnam. You had the ass of a young Ann-Margret.
Charlotte: Yeah, that was me.

Quote from Frank

Alex: Grandma looks so happy here.
Frank: Yeah. We were pretty hammered. That was last 4th of July, Grandma's favorite holiday. The Plimptons had a barbecue, and gram and I got a little tipsy on ginger margaritas. We came home for a catnap and slept right through the big fireworks show. First one she ever missed. Boy, was she mad. I made it up to her with a little fireworks show of our own later.
Alex: Grandpa!
Frank: A couple of glow sticks and a slingshot in the backyard.
Alex: Oh.
Frank: Which led to some pretty memorable lovemaking.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] Why does drama keep following me everywhere I go? It just keeps popping up out of nowhere. Like Crispin's hair plugs.

Quote from Jay

Charlotte: I remember exactly where I was when you gave it to me. You said, "Wear this bec-"
Jay: No, no. This isn't mine. And I never went to Jefferson High.
Charlotte: Oh. My mistake. Ah! Here it is. You said, "Pin this-"
Jay: No, no. N-no. Never got a medal. And, uh this is the wrong branch of service.
Charlotte: Of course. These are th-
Jay: Never wrote.
Charlotte: Why don't you look through here?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Turns out she sent more men off to war than Lyndon Johnson.

Quote from Cameron

Phil: What is going on?
Cameron: Oh, it's a feeding frenzy. They're all over him. They're practically measuring the windows for new drapes. It's disgusting. I must get this recipe, Myra.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Hello again.
Annie: Oh, no. You're alone. Did you fire that nice girl?
Phil: No. She's not a nice girl. She's my wife. And we don't sell vacuums.
Annie: Thank God. You'd starve.


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