406. Yard Sale
Aired October 31, 2012
Jay and Gloria hold a yard sale to help Manny and Luke raise money for charity. When everybody makes fun off his unusual mode of transport, Phil feels pressured to buy Jay's old motorcycle. Claire drafts in Mitchell and Cameron when she's convinced Alex's boyfriend might be gay. Meanwhile, Manny uncovers an old secret of Gloria's.
Quote from Cameron
Mitchell: Okay, we're not doing this.
Cameron: No. Well, now hold on. Just a minute. You know, when I was young and straight, I left a trail of broken hearts like a rock star. I'm not proud of it.
Mitchell: Ah, you're kinda proud of it. You work it into a lot of conversations. He brought it up yesterday.
Cameron: Okay, how am I supposed to walk into a dry cleaner and not mention my girlfriend Wendy Jo Martinizer?
Quote from Jay
Man: Hey, you got any bread? I wanna make sure this thing still works.
Jay: Yeah, that' not gonna happen.
Man: Oh, it doesn't have to be bread. I mean, I can get the information I need from, like, a bagel or a frozen waffle.
Jay: Look, kid, you're just gonna have to roll the dice on this one.
Man: I don't know. What's your return policy?
Jay: You return, I call the police.
Quote from Gloria
Gloria: [as Uncle Grumpy] Holy maracas! I think I sat on the right lap! Uncle Grumpy, we're in public. Ay, look at all those white faces! I see we made it over the wall. Uncle Grumpy, are you in a bad mood? Damn right I am! I just came from the movies. A whole day's pay to see "Basic Instinct." Oh. And what did you think? Basically, it stinked. You're so grumpy. Damn right I am! I just met the girl of my dreams. Ay, that's such great news. No.
She gave me the termites.
Jay: Gloria, I'm just gonna- Oh, jeez. I don't even wanna know what this is. I'm outta here.
Gloria: You're leaving?
Jay: Damn right. The only difference between this and a home invasion is I get to shoot people at a home invasion.
Claire: Oh, my God. She married her puppet.
Quote from Luke
Manny: I wonder what's in there.
Luke: Wake up, Delgado. Locked box, from Colombia, "no more questions"? It's obviously a human head.
Manny: Why is that always your first guess?
Luke: One of these days, I'm gonna be right.
Quote from Alex
Alex: [aside to camera] Yes, when Michael took me to prom, I questioned his sexuality. But then we made out. A couple times. There was even a little under-the-shirt action. His chest is very smooth.
Quote from Luke
Manny: [aside to camera] We're having a yard sale for our social studies class to raise money for UNICEF. The point is for us to learn about global altruism.
Luke: No, the point is for us to raise more money than Miss Cooper's class so we get a pizza and a pool party.
Manny: Your cynicism makes me sad for our world.
Luke: Ease up, Delgado. I've seen you with a pizza.
Quote from Jay
Jay: Ugh. I hate garage sales. Bunch of shady characters going through my stuff. Why can't I just write a check?
Gloria: Ay, relax, Jay. It's just a couple of people in the driveway.
Jay: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's where it starts. Then it's, "It's just a local call." "Can I use your bathroom?" "My mother needs to lie down." No, it just stinks.
Quote from Claire
Haley: [over video chat] Uh, tell Luke not to sell my stuff?
Claire: Honey, come on. Give it up. Even John Mayer doesn't have a John Mayer poster any more.
Haley: It's signed by him.
Claire: It's time you knew. They come that way.
Haley: But it's "To Haley."
Claire: In a different color. Your dad wrote that.
Haley: Ew! He wrote "My body is a wonderland."
Claire: I didn't catch that till after.
Quote from Phil
Phil: Heads up! Coming through!
Claire: Wow! I am glad you're finally getting rid of that thing.
Phil: What? I'm not selling this bad boy. I was gonna meet you at your dad's and get a little exercise on the way. What's, uh, what's your beef with my StreetStrider?
Alex: Even I think it's nerdy, and I'm fluent in elvish.
Phil: It's not nerdy. Luke, back me up.
Luke: I hope you mean into the garage, because I have friends on this street.
Claire: Honey, you finally found something less cool than those pants that zip off into shorts.
Phil: My shants, which you have been gunning for since day one. Does it matter to any of you that this is actually an extremely efficient cardiovascular workout that could prolong my life?
Claire: Mm, yeah, but what kind of life? And with whom?
Quote from Cameron
Cameron: Speaking of starving children, here's my contribution. Six pair of jeans that don't fit me any more because I've lost 25 pounds. That's like one, two, three children's bowling balls.
Gloria: Mm, bravo.
Claire: Very nice.
Mitchell: Cam. Are- Are you really getting rid of all of these? I mean, they're almost new. It's... Well, what if you, um-
Cameron: What if I what, Mitchell? Put the weight back on?
Mitchell: No! No. No, what if you- You think of some creative art project that requires denim? You know, something farm or Kelly Clarkson-themed?
Cameron: Oh, I've already down so much with that motif.