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‘Yard Sale’ Quotes

Modern Family: Yard Sale

406. Yard Sale

Aired October 31, 2012

Jay and Gloria hold a yard sale to help Manny and Luke raise money for charity. When everybody makes fun off his unusual mode of transport, Phil feels pressured to buy Jay's old motorcycle. Claire drafts in Mitchell and Cameron when she's convinced Alex's boyfriend might be gay. Meanwhile, Manny uncovers an old secret of Gloria's.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Okay, we're not doing this.
Cameron: No. Well, now hold on. Just a minute. You know, when I was young and straight, I left a trail of broken hearts like a rock star. I'm not proud of it.
Mitchell: Ah, you're kinda proud of it. You work it into a lot of conversations. He brought it up yesterday.
Cameron: Okay, how am I supposed to walk into a dry cleaner and not mention my girlfriend Wendy Jo Martinizer?

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Quote from Jay

Man: Hey, you got any bread? I wanna make sure this thing still works.
Jay: Yeah, that' not gonna happen.
Man: Oh, it doesn't have to be bread. I mean, I can get the information I need from, like, a bagel or a frozen waffle.
Jay: Look, kid, you're just gonna have to roll the dice on this one.
Man: I don't know. What's your return policy?
Jay: You return, I call the police.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [as Uncle Grumpy] Holy maracas! I think I sat on the right lap! Uncle Grumpy, we're in public. Ay, look at all those white faces! I see we made it over the wall. Uncle Grumpy, are you in a bad mood? Damn right I am! I just came from the movies. A whole day's pay to see "Basic Instinct." Oh. And what did you think? Basically, it stinked. You're so grumpy. Damn right I am! I just met the girl of my dreams. Ay, that's such great news. No.
She gave me the termites.
Jay: Gloria, I'm just gonna- Oh, jeez. I don't even wanna know what this is. I'm outta here.
Gloria: You're leaving?
Jay: Damn right. The only difference between this and a home invasion is I get to shoot people at a home invasion.
Claire: Oh, my God. She married her puppet.

Quote from Luke

Manny: I wonder what's in there.
Luke: Wake up, Delgado. Locked box, from Colombia, "no more questions"? It's obviously a human head.
Manny: Why is that always your first guess?
Luke: One of these days, I'm gonna be right.

Quote from Alex

Alex: [aside to camera] Yes, when Michael took me to prom, I questioned his sexuality. But then we made out. A couple times. There was even a little under-the-shirt action. His chest is very smooth.

Quote from Luke

Manny: [aside to camera] We're having a yard sale for our social studies class to raise money for UNICEF. The point is for us to learn about global altruism.
Luke: No, the point is for us to raise more money than Miss Cooper's class so we get a pizza and a pool party.
Manny: Your cynicism makes me sad for our world.
Luke: Ease up, Delgado. I've seen you with a pizza.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Ugh. I hate garage sales. Bunch of shady characters going through my stuff. Why can't I just write a check?
Gloria: Ay, relax, Jay. It's just a couple of people in the driveway.
Jay: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's where it starts. Then it's, "It's just a local call." "Can I use your bathroom?" "My mother needs to lie down." No, it just stinks.

Quote from Claire

Haley: [over video chat] Uh, tell Luke not to sell my stuff?
Claire: Honey, come on. Give it up. Even John Mayer doesn't have a John Mayer poster any more.
Haley: It's signed by him.
Claire: It's time you knew. They come that way.
Haley: But it's "To Haley."
Claire: In a different color. Your dad wrote that.
Haley: Ew! He wrote "My body is a wonderland."
Claire: I didn't catch that till after.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Heads up! Coming through!
Claire: Wow! I am glad you're finally getting rid of that thing.
Phil: What? I'm not selling this bad boy. I was gonna meet you at your dad's and get a little exercise on the way. What's, uh, what's your beef with my StreetStrider?
Alex: Even I think it's nerdy, and I'm fluent in elvish.
Phil: It's not nerdy. Luke, back me up.
Luke: I hope you mean into the garage, because I have friends on this street.
Claire: Honey, you finally found something less cool than those pants that zip off into shorts.
Phil: My shants, which you have been gunning for since day one. Does it matter to any of you that this is actually an extremely efficient cardiovascular workout that could prolong my life?
Claire: Mm, yeah, but what kind of life? And with whom?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Speaking of starving children, here's my contribution. Six pair of jeans that don't fit me any more because I've lost 25 pounds. That's like one, two, three children's bowling balls.
Gloria: Mm, bravo.
Claire: Very nice.
Mitchell: Cam. Are- Are you really getting rid of all of these? I mean, they're almost new. It's... Well, what if you, um-
Cameron: What if I what, Mitchell? Put the weight back on?
Mitchell: No! No. No, what if you- You think of some creative art project that requires denim? You know, something farm or Kelly Clarkson-themed?
Cameron: Oh, I've already down so much with that motif.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Whoa! Where you think you're going with those?
Mitchell: Oh, these aren't for sale.
Luke: Hey, this is for charity. You know you're taking those jeans out of the hands of some needy, giant children.
Mitchell: You know they're not getting the actual jeans, right, Luke?
Luke: Oh. Right? Well, then how about a donation?
Mitchell: 20 bucks?
Luke: A hundred.
Mitchell: 20 bucks?
Luke: Sure. What's it to you if some kid gets sick bathing in poo river, Africa?

Quote from Jay

Man: How much for the ashtray?
Jay: I don't know. What's the tag say?
Man: Well, it says 50 cents, but there's a chip in it.
Jay: Well, that's why it's lying on a blanket on my lawn, next to some old corn on the cob handles.
Man: I'll give you 35.
Jay: You're wearing a $10,000 watch. You're haggling over 15 cents?
Man: You live in this place, and you can't let that 15 cents go?
Jay: Fine. 35.
Man: Can you break a 50?
Jay: Get out.

Quote from Gloria

Claire: You don't have to buy a motorcycle if you don't want one. But don't blame it on me. I'm fine with it.
Phil: Seriously?
Claire: Yeah. Yeah, look, I know it's not the safest thing in the world, but it is sexy.
Gloria: Yes. I lot more sexy than that crazy machine you rode up on. Is that something that your doctor make you use?

Quote from Phil

Jay: All right, I'm gonna take this around back, unless you'd like to go for a test-drive.
Phil: Sure. Let's go. Not too fast. Precious cargo.
Jay: I'm not taking you, sweetheart.
Phil: I'm driving? Awesome!
[aside to camera:]
Phil: I'm terrified of motorcycles, but sometimes you have to do things to show the world you're still a man. Same reason I got that henna tattoo. Japanese symbol for "courage."

Quote from Phil

Jay: Now be careful. I don't want you to crash.
Phil: Aw.
Jay: I don't want the bike all scratched up.
Phil: Oh.
Claire: And don't be nervous. People make mistakes when they're nervous.
Phil: I'm not nervous. I've had bigger hogs than this between my legs. [drives off]
Jay: He really oughta run things through his head first.

Quote from Luke

Mitchell: Oh, where'd that come from?
Manny: It's my mom's. She's being very cagey.
Luke: We think something's stashed in the head. [under breath, singsong] It's from Colombia.

Quote from Gloria

Claire: So what do you need here? A stool? Glass of water? How do we make this happen? Let's go. I need to see this.
Gloria: You see nothing. That pageant was one of the worst nights of my life. After weeks of rehearsing, I froze, and we were speechless.
Mitchell: Aw, and you lost.
Gloria: No. I won. Imagine this when I was 18.

Quote from Cameron

Alex: It's an old curtain ring Michael saw over there. He braided three leather shoelaces around it and voila.
Cameron: You know, Alex, you and Michael remind me so much of me and my first girlfriend Annabelle Pickett.
Claire: Huh? You had a girlfriend?
Cameron: Yeah. Cutest girl in Sunday school, too. So one year, I asked her to go to the church bazaar lip sync contest with me, and we did our version of "Endless Love", which was ironic because two weeks later, I fell head over heels for a young square-jawed rodeo ticket taker named Woody Ray.
Claire: Oh, no.
Cameron: Of course, she was devastated, just destroyed her. And then she spray-painted something unrepeatable on my daddy's barn and never spoke to me again.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Where'd you get that?
Man: From the kitchen.
Jay: Give me that!
Man: You selling the pot-bellied pig?
Jay: Get out of my driveway. [to Stella] You're not a pig. You're Daddy's little girl.

Quote from Gloria

Luke: Sorry for snooping around and finding your old man doll.
Gloria: In Colombia, if you snoop around the wrong box, you might end up inside that box.

Quote from Luke

Luke: I shouldn't have done it. Now I feel bad for Manny.
Gloria: What do you mean?
Luke: Well, I don't know. He's always talking about how brave you are, how you're not afraid of anything. Now he just seems a little sad.
Gloria: How sad?
Luke: Don't worry. It's a good thing. He needs a little dose of reality. You walk around school telling everyone how great your mommy is all the time, you find yourself on the business end of a wedgie.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: I know how to push buttons to get what I want, and what I want is to see a puppet show.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: J'accuse!
Mitchell: I'm sorry. One more time?
Cameron: It's just a dramatic way of accusing you of stashing my fat pants in a bush! Saboteur!
Mitchell: That's a second way.
Cameron: How could you?
Mitchell: And a third.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Well, we ruined Alex's life, by the way.
Claire: I don't know. She looks okay.
Cameron: Oh, looks like they made up.
Claire: If she would just listen to me, I could have avoid her so much pain.
Mitchell: Give it a rest. She's 14, all right? No matter who that boy is, he's not gonna last.
Claire: Mm, you're right.
Cameron: Well, at least with a gay kid, you know she's gonna get a great flower arrangement. Should've seen the one I made Annabelle. Arranged it myself. It was gorgeous, till she pulled it apart and spelled "homo" on my porch.


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