Mitchell: Okay, we're not doing this.
Cameron: No. Well, now hold on. Just a minute. You know, when I was young and straight, I left a trail of broken hearts like a rock star. I'm not proud of it.
Mitchell: Ah, you're kinda proud of it. You work it into a lot of conversations. He brought it up yesterday.
Cameron: Okay, how am I supposed to walk into a dry cleaner and not mention my girlfriend Wendy Jo Martinizer?

Man: Hey, you got any bread? I wanna make sure this thing still works.
Jay: Yeah, that' not gonna happen.
Man: Oh, it doesn't have to be bread. I mean, I can get the information I need from, like, a bagel or a frozen waffle.
Jay: Look, kid, you're just gonna have to roll the dice on this one.
Man: I don't know. What's your return policy?
Jay: You return, I call the police.

Gloria: [as Uncle Grumpy] Holy maracas! I think I sat on the right lap! Uncle Grumpy, we're in public. Ay, look at all those white faces! I see we made it over the wall. Uncle Grumpy, are you in a bad mood? Damn right I am! I just came from the movies. A whole day's pay to see "Basic Instinct." Oh. And what did you think? Basically, it stinked. You're so grumpy. Damn right I am! I just met the girl of my dreams. Ay, that's such great news. No.
She gave me the termites.
Jay: Gloria, I'm just gonna- Oh, jeez. I don't even wanna know what this is. I'm outta here.
Gloria: You're leaving?
Jay: Damn right. The only difference between this and a home invasion is I get to shoot people at a home invasion.
Claire: Oh, my God. She married her puppet.

Manny: I wonder what's in there.
Luke: Wake up, Delgado. Locked box, from Colombia, "no more questions"? It's obviously a human head.
Manny: Why is that always your first guess?
Luke: One of these days, I'm gonna be right.

Alex: [aside to camera] Yes, when Michael took me to prom, I questioned his sexuality. But then we made out. A couple times. There was even a little under-the-shirt action. His chest is very smooth.

Cameron: J'accuse!
Mitchell: I'm sorry. One more time?
Cameron: It's just a dramatic way of accusing you of stashing my fat pants in a bush! Saboteur!
Mitchell: That's a second way.
Cameron: How could you?
Mitchell: And a third.

Manny: [aside to camera] We're having a yard sale for our social studies class to raise money for UNICEF. The point is for us to learn about global altruism.
Luke: No, the point is for us to raise more money than Miss Cooper's class so we get a pizza and a pool party.
Manny: Your cynicism makes me sad for our world.
Luke: Ease up, Delgado. I've seen you with a pizza.

Jay: Ugh. I hate garage sales. Bunch of shady characters going through my stuff. Why can't I just write a check?
Gloria: Ay, relax, Jay. It's just a couple of people in the driveway.
Jay: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's where it starts. Then it's, "It's just a local call." "Can I use your bathroom?" "My mother needs to lie down." No, it just stinks.

Haley: [over video chat] Uh, tell Luke not to sell my stuff?
Claire: Honey, come on. Give it up. Even John Mayer doesn't have a John Mayer poster any more.
Haley: It's signed by him.
Claire: It's time you knew. They come that way.
Haley: But it's "To Haley."
Claire: In a different color. Your dad wrote that.
Haley: Ew! He wrote "My body is a wonderland."
Claire: I didn't catch that till after.

Phil: Heads up! Coming through!
Claire: Wow! I am glad you're finally getting rid of that thing.
Phil: What? I'm not selling this bad boy. I was gonna meet you at your dad's and get a little exercise on the way. What's, uh, what's your beef with my StreetStrider?
Alex: Even I think it's nerdy, and I'm fluent in elvish.
Phil: It's not nerdy. Luke, back me up.
Luke: I hope you mean into the garage, because I have friends on this street.
Claire: Honey, you finally found something less cool than those pants that zip off into shorts.
Phil: My shants, which you have been gunning for since day one. Does it matter to any of you that this is actually an extremely efficient cardiovascular workout that could prolong my life?
Claire: Mm, yeah, but what kind of life? And with whom?