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39Quotes from ‘Do Not Push’

Modern Family: Do Not Push

602. Do Not Push

Aired October 1, 2014

Jay and Gloria don't see eye to eye on what kind of wedding anniversary present to give each other. When the Dunphys head to Caltech for Alex's college tour, Claire is pushing hard for her daughter to attend school close to home. Meanwhile, Phil, Luke and Haley learn more about themselves when they sign up for a psychology experiment. Elsewhere, Mitchell and Cameron take a new family portrait with Lily.

Quote from Haley

Phil: Haley, put down the chair.
Haley: Why should I?!
Phil: Because this is getting absurd, and it's no fun being laughed at by a room full of scientists and a monkey in a diaper.
Luke: Yeah! We need to push that button, show those eggheads that we're not sheep!
Haley: No! Breaking the rules doesn't make you a hero! It makes you a screw-up! Take it from me, Luke. One out of a million dropouts becomes Steve Jobs. Do you know who become losers with no jobs? The other 99,000!

Quote from Luke

Phil: You're right, I set a terrible example for you.
Luke: No! It was awesome! Do you think Steve Jobs followed every rule? Doug Henning?
Phil: Keep talking.
Luke: What about that guy who lived in that town where people weren't allowed to dance? Did Footloose follow the rules?
Phil: His name was Ren, and he most certainly did not.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Now, easy on the filters, Cam. It's a family picture. We don't need sepia tone.
Cameron: You know what other tone we don't need?
Lily: Play nice.

Quote from Alex

Haley: What's so special? It looks exactly like the college I went to.
Luke: And we've been here exactly as long as you were there.
Phil: Luke, be nice.
Luke: Well, Alex is leaving. Somebody's got to keep the trains running.
Claire: Back me up here, guys. This place screams "Alex," right?
Haley: It looks like every other college in America. What am I missing?
Alex: Good grades, S.A.T. scores, basic verbal skills. That's how you do it.

Quote from Phil

Claire: [aside to camera] Caltech is the perfect school.
Phil: For Claire.
Claire: And Alex! Come on, we are talking about one of the best schools in the country. And, yes, it happens to be 45 minutes from our house.
Phil: Of course, we'll support her wherever she goes.
Claire: Obviously. Nothing is more important to me than her academic whatever, but with Alex, the important thing is keeping her close for the next four years. After that, I'm never gonna see her unless she Skypes me from Neptune, where she's living in a biodome she invented.
Phil: Awesome! That means Christmas on Neptune! [Claire sighs] Every other year?
Claire: No.

Quote from Luke

Luke: But it's so boring. It's like I'm being punished.
Phil: You are being punished. That's what happens when your teacher calls to tell me you cut class.
Luke: I'm sorry. I lost track of time making my movie.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: Hummingbirdman: a superhero whose heart can beat a thousand times a minute, but can it love?

Quote from Phil

Haley: Check it, there's a lab on campus where they do experiments on you for 50 bucks.
Phil: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I used to do a lot of these in college. Sometimes it's questions. Sometimes they hook stuff up to you. Sometimes it's just palling around with a monkey, wondering why they're rewarding him and not you.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: So, daddy and I thought that we would look at these photos together, the pictures that we've taken so far, and see if there's anything that we would do differently. Like, okay, when I look at this photo, I think, "I could stand up straighter." Cam?
Cameron: Okay. I think I could be a little less "Ryan Gosling" and a little more "every man."

Quote from Haley

Haley: Back away from the button!
Phil: What are you doing?
Haley: I've been breaking the rules my entire life, and look where it's gotten me. I live in my parents' basement! I'm sick of being a failure at everything!
Luke: Oh, my God! You're not mad at us. You're mad at yourself.
Haley: That's what I'm saying!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Why is she doing that with her face?
Mitchell: I don't know. I've never seen such a weird, forced smile.
Lily: How do I look?
Mitchell: Beautiful.
Cameron: Perfect.

Quote from Alex

Claire: Oh, wow. What an amazing campus! I mean, look at these cool buildings. And did you guys see the turtles? And check this out, a reflecting pond.
Alex: Great. Maybe you can see how crazy you're being right now.
Phil: God, I wish I'd brought a frisbee.

Quote from Phil

Luke: Okay. I'm gonna peel off and hit the robotics lab to see how close they are to a working female.
Phil: Hold on. They're not nearly as close as you'd hope, and you're not leaving my side.

Quote from Claire

Haley: Hey, I'd love the 50 bucks, but I'm pretty sure mom wants me here.
Claire: No, I don't. You can go.
Haley: Oh, you can drop the act. I know you guys forced me to come here so I can watch Alex and get all inspired by college again.
Phil: We really didn't.
Claire: Yeah, you just got in the car. I only packed four sandwiches.

Quote from Manny

Jay: Is that Gloria's gift to me? What is it?
Manny: I don't know.
Jay: Sure you do. I can tell by the wrap job. She can't make corners like this, Manny!
Manny: Only because she's always in such a hurry. Is life so busy you can't take 20 minutes to get out the straight-edge and wrap a gift anymore?

Quote from Manny

Jay: Come on. I'm a little anxious about my gift for her. It would make me feel a lot better if I knew she phoned this one in.
Manny: Sorry, Jay. Only time will tell.
Jay: Oh, God. It's that black Panerai watch I wanted, isn't it?!
Manny: Why can't you be this fast when I'm your charades partner?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I'm gonna talk to her. I've been photographing her for years. We have a relationship.
Mitchell: Really? What's she like?
Cameron: I mean a professional relationship. Look, I'm gonna tell her- her smile is forced, it's unnatural, and we're not going home until we get what we need.
Mitchell: Couple of things: we are home, and that's mean.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: What's your suggestion?
Mitchell: We show her the photos and let her discover her weird smile on her own.
Cameron: Okay. That's good. I video our football games so I can see what we're doing wrong. That's how I figured out that powder-blue windbreaker washed me out so much.
Mitchell: Oh, thank God. I'm sure the team appreciated that.

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: Lily, is there anything that you see in yourself that you would want to change here?
Lily: Well, maybe we should just do one more?
Mitchell: Really? Okay.
Lily: [pointing to Cam's face] This might need a little powder.

Quote from Jay

Manny: What is it?
Jay: It's a bunny. It used to be my nickname for her. On our first date, she had a cold, and she was sniffling a lot, and her nose would wrinkle up real cute. You know, like a bunny.
Manny: That's so sweet.
Jay: Yeah, but that watch is big and gorgeous and costs big bucks. I can't give her something handmade. I mean, she -- She's not sensitive like you and me.
Manny: Listen to me. I think you went to the jewelry store inside here, and you brought back a gem.
Jay: Knock it off. You think so?
Manny: She's gonna love it. It's perfect.
Jay: Perfect? Nah. But teacher Pablo did say it shows great promise. And I am proud of the tail. Look at that. No, no, I said look.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Okay. You need to calm down. This is a college tour, not Oprah's favorite things.

Quote from Claire

Alex: It's one of the most prestigious tech schools in the country. But if you must know, I don't love everything about it.
Claire: What? Oh, the mascot's a beaver. Don't worry. Those jokes will get old.

Quote from Phil

Phil: What do you guys think this is gonna be?
Luke: I bet they'll show us those ink blots that always look like two girls kissing.
Phil: A little tip from an old pro, they can electrify cheese, so...

Quote from Phil

Luke: Hey, look at that. "Do not push."
Phil: What are you doing?
Luke: Teaching this button a little something about free will.
Phil: Luke, it says, "do not push."
Luke: Which just makes me want to push it more. Haley, back me up.
Haley: Push it, don't push it. I don't care. Is this mirror weird? I look fuzzy.
Luke: Who puts up a button with a sign that says you can't push it?
Phil: The same people who stack the deck so the monkey always wins... scientists!
Luke: What are you talking about?
Phil: We're not waiting for the experiment. This is the experiment! They're watching us right now!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay. She looks like Pepper's pomeranian. We have to say something.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Well, that was a disaster.
Cameron: Agreed. But can I just say I love how melodramatic she's getting?
Mitchell: So fantastic.
Cameron: The little [stomps]
Mitchell: I know.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: What did you get me? What did you get me?
Manny: It's a bunny, mom.
Jay: It's a little rough around the edges, but I'm just hoping you'll love what I put into it.
Gloria: Oh, you put something inside?! [smashes the bunny] I don't get it. There's nothing inside.
Jay: Yeah, that's, uh... 'cause, um... The damn stupid jeweler didn't put the bracelet in there.
Gloria: Oh, the rose gold with the waves that I told you that I loved?
Jay: Yeah. Yeah, that's the one.
Manny: Jay.
Jay: No, it's fine, Manny. I can run down to the store right now and get it. [sobbing] Stupid jeweler!
Gloria: Ay, Jay, don't scream at him. It was an honest mistake.
Jay: Yeah, in his heart, he was probably trying to do the right thing.

Quote from Alex

Jason: I was just sorta hoping you'd be going here.
Alex: Really? Did my mother put you up to this?
Jay: Does your mom tell boys to flirt with you?
Alex: Oh. You're- You're- You're flirting with me. I mean, I don't mean to sound so surprised. A lot of boys flirt with me. Not a lot. Some. Actually, one of them has Asperger's. He could tell you the weather on the day you were born. Okay. Well, I don't know why I said that. The point is, I am single, by my own choosing, so... [accidentally hits emergency alarm button] Oh, my God! I am fine! I'm fine! Everything's fine!

Quote from Phil

Luke: Is this about me skipping class again? It's weird how obsessed you are with that. Now let me push that button!
Phil: No! If you can't even pass a simple test, how are you ever gonna get in to a good college? Or hold down a job? We only have one basement. There's no place for you to move when your life bottoms out!

Quote from Luke

Luke: Dad, I cut that class because I had to get one last shot for my movie. You would've done the same thing. [gasps] Oh, my God! You're not mad at me. You're mad at yourself because I'm just like you.
Phil: [pants] Whoa.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: Total shot in the dark.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Where were you?
Manny: Consoling Jay. That bunny wasn't the only thing you shattered, lady. When you first started dating him, what was his nickname for you?
Gloria: Sexy pants.
Manny: Ew. The other one.

Quote from Gloria

Manny: There was no bracelet. The bunny was the present.
Gloria: That?
Manny: He made it for you himself.
Gloria: No.
Manny: In a pottery class he's been taking for weeks.
Gloria: No!
Manny: And you smashed it on the counter. And he was too embarrassed to say anything.
Gloria: No! I can't take it! Glue! Okay, give me glue! I need glue! [drops it again] Ay, make it stop!

Quote from Haley

Phil: Honey, you are not a loser.
Haley: Oh, please. I hear the shots you all take at me. I see my sister about to lap me at a college that I would never be able to get into. Even someone as dumb as me can see that I'm a giant failure!
Phil: Haley, stop, okay? Haley, let me tell you something. You have value, talent, and potential that their tests can't measure. Who cares if you don't fit into their little box. You're finding your way. That's what your 20s are for, to take chances... To- To make mistakes and to learn from them, and you are learning from them. The fact that you won't push this button proves that.
Haley: That was really sweet, Dad. I can't believe I was gonna hit you over the head with that chair.

Quote from Phil

Luke: Wait. So now we're not pushing the button?
Phil: No. We're supporting Haley.
Luke: For the rest of your life.
Phil: That is not helpful. We need to stick together. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. [to the mirror] That's what this test is. It's not about whether we push the button or don't push the button. You want to find out if this unites us or divides us. Let's join hands and send these sons of bitches and their filthy monkey a message! ... Feels good.
Luke: Wait a minute. How are they gonna know we're sending them a message if we're not doing anything?
Phil: That's true.
Haley: We have to hit that button.
Phil: Damn straight.

Quote from Phil

Researcher: Who did that?
Phil: We did as a family.
Researcher: Did you not see the sign? Now the AC won't shut off. We have to call a guy.
Phil: Oh, I'm sorry. Is this what if, uh...
Researcher: Yeah, building full of scientists and no one thought to push the button twice. Please use number 2 pencils.
Haley: [lifting the mirror] Yeah, just wall.
Phil: So this is the test.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: So, is that the rose gold bracelet that I wanted?
Jay: Dynamite piece of jewelry. And that watch- Is that the ceramic with the 10-day, uh, power reserve?
Gloria: Of course. It's so sexy, that watch.
Jay: Yeah, the matte finish doesn't always catch the sun and blind you like this one.
Gloria: It's so interesting, 'cause I love shiny things on my wrist.
Manny: Oh, for God sakes, just keep the stupid gifts.

Quote from Claire

Mitchell: [on the phone] Hey, it's me. I think Cam and I made a huge mistake.
Claire: Oh, I get it. Marriage is tough. Just take a deep breath and go flirt with somebody at the grocery store.
Mitchell: No, about Lily. We're trying to take this new family picture, and she's doing this weird smile thing-
Claire: And you said something?
Mitchell: Uh, well, let's- Let's just say Cam did.
Claire: First of all, all kids go through this. You should see every picture we have of Luke from third grade. He looks like he's mid-sneeze, which is a shame, 'cause I was having a great boob year.
Mitchell: What did you do?
Claire: I think it might've been the birth control I was taking, but...

Quote from Alex

Alex: Well, I guess this is it, M.I.T.
Jay: Uh, when you visit Boston, look me up Darling.
Alex: Okay, sweetie.
Jay: Uh, t-that's my last name. Jason Darling.
Alex: Oh, well, Alex Dunphy. "P-H" not "F", "Y" not "E-E". "D-U-N-P-H" Why am I still talking?

Quote from Alex

Claire: Listen, honey, I am so sorry about pushing so hard earlier. If anyone is able to make a smart decision about where to go to school, it's you. Even if that school is all the way on the other side of the country.
Alex: Actually, there's a lot to like here.
Claire: Really?! That's cool. Whatever.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: I guess there's somebody around here she's not ready to say goodbye to.
[aside to camera:]
Alex: He friended me!

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Okay, come on, we have something to show you.
Lily: Is it dinner, or is my mouth too ugly to put food in?
Cameron: Okay, no. And please don't say things like that about yourself.
Lily: You picked one?
Cameron: We sure did, and we're sorry we made you feel bad. We just weren't used to your new smile, but now we are, and we love it!
Mitchell: Yes, it's beautiful, and you're beautiful, and we don't want to change a single thing about you.
Cameron: Except maybe your underpants.
Lily: [laughs]
Cameron: Okay, where did that laugh come from?
Mitchell: I don't know, but it's gotta go.


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