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45Quotes from ‘Spread Your Wings’

Modern Family: Spread Your Wings

711. Spread Your Wings

Aired January 13, 2016

When Phil visits Alex at college, Claire and the kids take the opportunity to try set the ducks free. Gloria feels Cameron is taking over her sauce business. Meanwhile, Jay helps Mitchell cope as he hosts Lily's dance troupe for a sleepover.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [knocks] What's the most dangerous type of uranium cake? Yellow!

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Big day. I'm going to see Alex. I'm, uh I'm a little nervous because she's been pulling away lately. Calls don't get returned. I don't get asked to visit as much. Maybe it's hitting me hard 'cause I never went through that with my dad. After my junior year, we we rode a tandem bike across Mykonos. Come to think of it, there were lots of fathers and sons there.

Quote from Gloria

Cameron: I'm just saying this is a great opportunity for our sauce.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: "Our sauce"? All of a sudden, Cam is calling it "our sauce"? I got that recipe from my great aunt who got it from her mother who stole it from a blind maid. How dare he.

Quote from Jay

Lily: This is boring. Let's go and build a fort in my room. [Lily and friends run off to her bedroom]
Jay: So, what? You're just gonna give up?
Mitchell: You got to know when to surrender.
Jay: No, sir. I'm not losing to the Vietnamese twice in a lifetime. Get up. No man left behind.

Quote from Haley

Phil: I'm hearing a lot of negatives, but we're overlooking the fact that Feathers can now fetch.
Claire: Honey, she pulled a wet hot dog bun out of the sink, and you said, "get the bun." That doesn't count as fetching.
Haley: Please tell me they're not gonna live here forever.
Luke: You're really not the one to make that argument.
Haley: Oh, like you're not gonna die of natural causes in that bunk bed upstairs.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Ay, I'm just saying it wouldn't kill you to break some rules. You're a minor. Take advantage of it.
Manny: I break the rules. I just prefer to be suave, do it with panache and finesse.
Gloria: Ay, those are American shampoos. I know.

Quote from Mitchell

[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: I'm hosting a sleepover for Lily's Vietnamese dance troupe. We want her to be more in touch with her heritage, but breaking the ice with the other parents has been a little tough. Cam and I are the only white parents, the only gay parents, the only parents that find us funny.
[flashback:]
Mitchell: Hi. Come on in, Patricia, Ms. Tran. The girls are in Lily's room. Oh, this is a fun coincidence. We actually had a couple trans over for dinner last ni-
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: The hardest nut to crack has been little Patricia Tran's mother. I didn't try her homemade pho at a potluck once, and now she doesn't like me. You could say it was a little bit of a pho pa.

Quote from Jay

Manny: The team left me out of the end-of-the-season prank.
Jay: You know, that takes me back. We told the school board that Coach Davis was a communist. The man spent a weekend in jail. [chuckles] Simpler times.
Manny: Well, that's better than what these meatheads cooked up. They just parked the principal's car in the middle of the basketball court.
Jay: [laughing] That's not where cars go.

Quote from Manny

Manny: They just so happen to grow blood peppers at the botanical gardens.
Cameron: Great. Let's go.
Manny: You're adorable. We're talking rare flora in a secure location.
Gloria: Okay, so, then what do we do?
Manny: First, apologize for calling me a goody-goody, because I'm about to lay out a plan so daring that the two of you may not have the guts to follow it.
Gloria: Should I take my knife?
Cameron: I have my baseball bat in my car.
Manny: Okay, we're stealing a pepper, not teaching its family a lesson.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Domo arigato, Mr. Robotics Lab! What?!

Quote from Jay

Jay: What's this stuff?
Mitchell: Uh, mom, uh, mailed me a bunch of stuff from her garage. She thought I might like a VCR and a bunch of old tapes.
Jay: Sweet of Dede to mail you her garbage. "Jane Fonda Complete Workouts," "It's Not You, It's Him," "Cooking With Chocolate." Pretty much the arc of our whole marriage.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Mitchell?
Lily: [o.s.] In the kitchen, Grandpa!
Jay: Vietnamese girls and a man in makeup. When does Bob Hope take the stage?
Mitchell: Delightful.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Yes, ma'am?
Mitchell: I don't want to be the fun dad anymore. I need to knock these girls out quick. Teach me.
[cut to:]
Jay: Let's go, ladies! Reach to the sky!
Mitchell: How are you better at this than Jane Fonda?
Jay: Mitchell, you can't talk and feel the burn at the same time. Donkey-kick like you mean it, Jennifer.

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: I'm just curious, because this tape was on its way to goodwill, and all of a sudden, you pulled it out of your back pocket.
Jay: I put on a couple of extra pounds, and Jane got me out of a similar situation in the '80s.
Mitchell: Please tell me you were wearing leg warmers.
Jay: Leave me alone.
Jay: We got this, girls. March it out.
Mitchell: Well, for whatever it's worth, Dad, I didn't notice.
Jay: Gloria did. She did that little poke thing to my spare tire. Lily, keep the beat. I hate to admit it, but it bugged the hell out of me. Kim-ly, we're punching and we're stepping. Care to join us? So, I figured I'd do this workout every damn day of the week until I was nothing but abs, buns, and thighs. Work your glutes, Tiffany! This is your problem area.

Quote from Claire

Luke: Why aren't they going anywhere?
Haley: Well, miss thing over there is still getting herself ready. I swear she spent all morning looking at her reflection in the water bowl.
Luke: How about that weirdo? Did you see when he got his bill stuck in his cage yesterday? What a sweet little dope.
Claire: I know. He's lucky his sister is so smart. You know, she figured out how to unlatch the cage and set him free. Oh, my god. Do you guys see what's happening? No. Of course you don't. The reason why your dad is so attached to these ducks is they remind him of you guys. We got to get them home.

Quote from Haley

Luke: What's the point in getting two ducks if we don't have the third one?
Haley: And how are we supposed to find the Alex duck? Wait until New Year's Eve and see which one stays home?

Quote from Cameron

Gloria: This is my family's sauce, and you have already tried to change the recipe, you took a huge order without even asking me. And now this? If I am going to Flavor City, I am going by myself.
Cameron: You're breaking up with me?
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: When I first started dating Cam, his ex-boyfriend gave me a heads up. He said, "Cam's a great guy, but I hope you never have to break up with him." And I said, "Why? Does he get angry, weepy, jealous, despondent?" He said, "Yes."
[back:]
Cameron: [to Gloria] You're breaking up with me? This business was my idea. I got you into the farmers' market. I got you into those baskets. You were nothing but a housewife when I found you. I didn't mean that. I've always admired you. Being a housewife is the hardest job on the planet. You're never not at work. It's just, how did we get to this place? Unless... There's someone else, isn't there? Oh, how could I be so blind? Let me guess somebody with more experience? Somebody Colombian? Well, you're no picnic, either. So, who is it? Hmm? Say something!

Quote from Gloria

Manny: [aside to camera] I've seen my mom break up with a lot of guys. She has this weird power to get them to do all the work. One minute, they're a mess. The next, they're thanking her for the best year of their lives. The last guy helped us move into Jay's house.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I got home early and noticed the six of you had ducked out.
Claire: Well, we know how much you love the ducks, and and we wanted to play with them, too. And we-
Phil: And what, Claire? The craziest thing happened? You turned a hard corner, the cage banged open, one of them hit the sunroof button, and out they flew, leaving us with nothing but an empty- I interrupted you. Go on.
Claire: We have not always loved the ducks, Phil, but I think we're starting to get it.
Haley: Yeah. We want them to stay. We know why you love them.
Phil: Thank you. I always knew it was only a matter of time before these little scamps waddled into your hearts just like they did mine. Now, come on. Help me throw them out the window.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Look, we have provided them with a good home. When they're ready, they'll leave. Could be any day. Oh, and in the duck's defense, Claire, you can't stick your leg out of your robe at breakfast and then pretend to hate the attention.

Quote from Claire

Luke: Um, why didn't you fight harder about the ducks?
Claire: You heard what he said. The ducks could leave any day now.
Luke: Yeah, or it could be two months from now.
Claire: Or any day now.
Luke: Or a month and a half fr-
Claire: How are you not getting this?

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Mitch called. He wants to know when are you bringing the air mattress for Lily's sleepover.
Jay: You know, for a guy who refuses to buy his own air mattresses, he's pretty particular about when they arrive.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: No, no! Don't eat my sauce. Then I won't have enough to sell at the farmers' market. [pokes Jay in the stomach]
Jay: No. Oh, geez. Not the fat finger. You always do this when I put on a few.
Gloria: I didn't say anything.
Jay: It's not what you say. It's that damn lard dipstick finger of yours. It disappeared up to the second knuckle.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Y'all ready for this? I got our sauce into the granddaddy of all holiday gift baskets.
Gloria: Which one?
Cameron: It's called Granddaddy's Holiday Gift Baskets. Very exclusive.

Quote from Cameron

Gloria: No! It's too much sauce for too little time. And anyways, I don't have the key ingredient the blood peppers. And my cousin can't send me more from Colombia until next week.
Cameron: One spicy step ahead of you. Enter the Serrano pepper! Chi-caw! No one will know the difference.
Gloria: I will. This sauce is part of my heritage. I cannot turn my back on who I am.
Cameron: Didn't your hair used to be darker?

Quote from Alex

Phil: I noticed a few of your professors in those mouth-controlled wheelchairs.
Alex: I think some of them are just faking it to try and look cool.

Quote from Phil

Alex: Yeah. Come check out these gloves. They're awesome. Any movement, even the slightest motion, will be mirrored by the robotic hands. Possible applications are bomb defusement, nuclear reactor repair, and remote neurosurgery.
Phil: What has two thumbs and any lady robot he wants? This guy.
Alex: Dad, this isn't a toy.
Phil: Hello, my loyal robot subjects.
Alex: Dad?
Phil: Jazz hands!
Alex: The other robots are staring!
Phil: I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Quote from Alex

Alex: So, what's going on at home?
Phil: Well, Haley and Luke aren't around much. Meanwhile, the ducks are awesome and nobody gets it. You wouldn't believe this, but one of them can fetch.
Alex: Of course I believe it. One of my professors taught a chimpanzee how to play the saxophone. We all think he's great, but he only plays jazz, so there's no way to tell.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Oh, my god. It's happening! They're rising up! Turn off! I command you to turn off!

Quote from Manny

Manny: Okay, follow my plan to the letter, and in 10 minutes, we'll have peppers in hand. It's Saturday. William will be working the rose garden. Fortunately, he'll be distracted. Right now, the aphids have the upper hand. Cam, when you reach the stream, follow it south southeast to the hummingbird exhibit. Interact with no one. Mom, to avoid detection, take a circuitous route to the Edmund and Miriam Rabinowitz pepper patch. I'll re-route the senior citizens' tour, so they're not around when you arrive at the peppers. Be on alert. There may be added security.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hello.
Mrs. Tran: Your husband?
Mitchell: My dad.
Jay: And I prefer brunettes, without beards. I like women.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Little tip you might want the girls to blow up these air mattresses, tire them out a little bit.
Mitchell: Oh, I'm not trying to tire them out. No. I'm the fun dad, okay? I want them to have a good time.
Jay: That's a rookie mistake. When you are Claire were kids, I was the sleepover champ, undefeated. There was never a kid that was awake later than 7:30.
Mitchell: Oh, no. I remember my 10th birthday. You let us wash your car, and then we carried the grandfather clock to the dump.
Jay: Yeah, sun exposure plays a big part.

Quote from Alex

Phil: Oh, honey, I am so sorry about what happened in there.
Alex: Don't worry about me, but, you know, those robots are programmed to hold a grudge.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Did something happen?
Alex: No, it's just... Ugh, the people here are all so immature. They are always banging on your door with a beaker full of margaritas, and... The nerd noise is deafening. Did you bring those noise-canceling headphones I asked Mom for?
Phil: Oh, I am so sorry. I forgot. Sometimes my brain cancels out your mom's noise.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Okay, Dad, no offense, but I've been listening to you whine about gaining and losing the same 10 pounds since, at age 60, you married the most beautiful woman in the world. And while I appreciate what might be the rich-white-mannest of rich-white-man problems, this tape is only energizing these little girls.

Quote from Luke

Haley: They're gone.
Claire: Oh, my god. Where are they? Oh, god.
Luke: What the hell? Does everyone get rid of their ducks here?

Quote from Luke

Luke: Can't we just pick any three?
Claire: Mnh-mnh. Your father will know immediately.
Haley: Look. I think that might be the dumb Luke duck.
Luke: The one entertaining the others?
Haley: His head is caught in the Fritos bag.
Luke: Hey. Isn't that your duck?
Haley: Where?
Luke: The one pushing oats around with its beak, pretending to eat.

Quote from Haley

Claire: Don't just stand there. Get your ducks.
Haley: I just spent a week's salary on these shoes. I'm not- Oh, look at those big brown eyes. They take up half her face! I'm coming, Princess!

Quote from Alex

Phil: Um, I found this inhaler. Do you know whose it is?
Alex: There's only six people here who don't use those. They throw them in the air at graduation.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Hey, honey. I'm sorry about earlier. I think maybe being on a college campus took me back, and some of my own first-year insecurities bubbled up. I didn't know anybody, and no matter how hard I tried, I was always on the outside. And then suddenly, one day, something clicked and I was in. I mean, you never know.
Alex: I mean, just because that happened to you, doesn't mean that's-
Phil: No, no, no, no, no. That's that's my point. My story isn't your story. As intimidating as this place may be, I've never seen you walk away from a challenge. If you tell me you've given it your best shot, then I know you have. So don't be mad at me, okay?
Alex: I'm not mad.
Phil: All right, kiddo. Your mom and I will be back next week to pack you up. I love you.
Alex: I love you, too.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay. Granddaddy's truck's gonna be here in 84 minutes. So, we're tightening, we're stirring, we're chopping.
Gloria: Bottle it up!
Cameron: I can't. I'm just too excited. Oh, oh, you mean the sauce in the- Got it.

Quote from Cameron

Gloria: Cam, what is this?
Cameron: Oh, my gosh. You weren't supposed to see these yet. This is just a potential label idea that I-I had mocked up. So...
Gloria: But I am not even on it.
Cameron: No, you are. Yes, you are. See? You're the silhouette right here by the nutritional facts. That way, people are looking at you and not the toxic amount of sodium. I have others, too. You know, I have one of us on a pepper rocket on our way to Flavor City. You're in front of me, and it's cute.

Quote from Jay

[As Lily and her friends are working a production line, bottling Gloria's sauce:]
Mitchell: Oh, Ms. Tran. Is that Patricia's medicine?
Jay: Pick up the pace, ladies! Come on! We've only got-
Mitchell: Trust me. This is slightly better than it looks.
Lily: My fingers hurt.
Cameron: Hey, honey, what did I say about talking on the line?

Quote from Phil

Luke: Dad, what are you doing?
Phil: It is time for them to go.
Claire: But, honey, are you sure they can even fly?
Phil: According to the Internet, they were ready a month ago.
Haley: At breakfast, you were giving them shoulder rubs. What happened?
Phil: I realized today that I may have been holding them back because that was fun for me. But in the end, you got to let them spread their wings, right?

Quote from Phil

Phil: All right, guys. Let's do this. One, two
Haley: Come visit us!
Claire: Make good choices!
Phil: In many ways, you fetched me!


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