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38Quotes from ‘Lake Life’

Modern Family: Lake Life

901. Lake Life

Aired September 27, 2017

When Jay takes the whole family on a vacation to a houseboat, he hopes to create memories that will last long after he's gone. Meanwhile, Mitchell runs into an old flame, Cameron tries to stay out of the sun, and Phil and Claire want to be more adventurous.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] It was Scotty, this local lake kid I met on vacation when I was thirteen. I had a huge crush on him, so on the last day, I decided to take a chance and I kissed him. It was my first time ever kissing a boy, so when he pulled away and said that he wasn't "into this," I was humiliated. I mean, I'd obviously misread signals. He was straight. It was five years before I ever made a move on a guy again. And even then, I wouldn't dare unless he was basically floating across the room. Which is why I ended up with... Well, you know.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Oh, Gloria, have you ever seen such pristine blue water?
Gloria: Is that a floating duffel bag?
Cameron: No, that's just a buoy.
Gloria: [gasps] A boy?!
Cameron: No, a buoy.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: So, um, listen. We... We actually do know each other. Uh... Mitchell Pritchett. Summer of '89? I let you have my Nintendo Game Boy?
Scotty: Mitchy Pritchy! Of course! You were mad about that Game Boy 'cause your dad got you that instead of, like, some Cher album.
Mitchell: "If I Could Turn Back Time." Which brings me to why I'm here.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Well, well, well. Look who finally showed up. Maybe we can try this again in another 99 years.
Alex: Actually, there'll be another total eclipse again in the next seven years.
Jay: No one wants your stupid science, Alex! I asked for one thing, to share a memory with all of us with me at the center of it! And by the way, I had to pay surge boat rates because of eclipse fever!

Quote from Jay

Claire: This is an all-time rant.
Mitchell: Oh, yeah, top three. It goes Christmas '84, that wedding where he ordered the pork but they gave him the chicken instead, and eclipse weekend.
Jay: The only reason I went to that wedding was because of the damn pork! Is this gonna be the only thing you guys remember about me?!

Quote from Gloria

Jay: You know, I like having these. We should get some for the house.
Gloria: No, you're not going to ask me "what time is lunch?" every day through a talkie-walkie.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Cam, we need to talk about this. We- We have these lamps at home. Okay, we have boat lamps.
Cameron: I know. It's so validating. It's like that time we saw our can opener in that dog-food commercial.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: We rented a houseboat. My dad wanted us to take a big lake trip so we could see the first total eclipse in years.
Cameron: You know, growing up on a farm, I always fantasized about lake life. Yeah. You know, anyone can go to the lake. Only the elite can sleep on it.
Mitchell: My parents used to take Claire and me every summer when we were kids.
Cameron: Oh, I just never dreamed I would marry into a lake family.

Quote from Jay

Claire: Hey, Dad, you know Hugh Duncan from Just Closets?
Jay: That pretentious half-Brit that refers to closets as "wardrobes"?
Claire: He died.
Jay: Son of a gun. I always liked him.

Quote from Gloria

Cameron: Ah. It feels like we're in St. Tropez.
Gloria: I don't trust lakes. Where I come from, this is where we dump drugs and dead bodies.
Cameron: You know what? I am gonna give you a little boat tour and show you this lake in all of its glory, but you need to keep an open mind.
Gloria: Okay, fine. Let's ride around the liquid graveyard.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I started reading the tributes to Hugh Duncan on Facebook. There were a ton of them. People going on and on about what a great guy he was. "Grandpa Hugh once gave me a vintage stethoscope, which inspired me to become a pediatric oncologist." Made me wonder what people will say about me when I'm gone.

Quote from Haley

Alex: Go faster! It's not a violin. You're trying to start a fire.
Manny: Hey, chill, man!
Luke: That's never gonna work. We need a better way to let someone know we're out here.
Haley: Anyone have a mirror?
Alex: Good idea. We can reflect the sun onto a passing plane.
Haley: No, I just have a feeling that my hair looks really good right now.

Quote from Jay

Claire: Does this have something to do with Hugh Duncan dying and all those Facebook tributes?
Jay: No!
Mitchell: Wait, w-were you trying to manufacture nice moments so that we'll say good things about you when you're gone?
Alex: Wait. Is that why you gave me your telescope?
Phil: And the... the sunscreen? That wasn't real?
Jay: I don't want to talk about this!

Quote from Jay

Alex: Grandpa, stop! We have tons of great memories of you!
Jay: You're just saying that!
Luke: Someone think of an example!
Haley: You used to bring me back magnets every time you went away on a business trip! It was so thoughtful!
Cameron: Yeah, when you found out I was into almond milk, you went to Costco and got me that giant thing of almond milk!
Jay: Well, you like it, and it doesn't go bad.
Phil: When my mom died, you texted me every day for a week to check on me!
Manny: You always save me the red gummy bears because they're my favorite!
Gloria: And me the green ones! Also, the nice life and stuff!
Claire: And... And... And you're really good at saving old pictures of me and Mitchell as kids!
Jay: Getting a little general.
Mitchell: "Run toward embarrassment, not away from it, and you take away its power"! I'm always gonna remember that!
Jay: Good enough.

Quote from Jay

Phil: [playing guitar] ♪ Turn around ♪
Haley: ♪ Every now and then, I get a little bit lonely ♪
Cameron: ♪ And you're never comin' 'round ♪
Phil: ♪ Turn around ♪
Mitchell: Me. ♪ Every now and then, I get a little bit tired ♪
Alex: ♪ Of listening to the sound of my tears ♪
Phil: ♪ Turn around, bright eyes ♪
Mitchell: Who?
Claire: Dad.
Cameron: Come on, Jay. Everybody will remember it!
Jay: That's extortion.
Mitchell: Come on.
Jay: ♪ Every now and then, I fall apart ♪
Claire: There it is.
Jay: ♪ And I need you now tonight ♪ ♪ And I need you more than ever ♪
Luke: Is this even a song?
All: ♪ Once upon a time, I was falling in love ♪ ♪ But now I'm only falling apart ♪ ♪ There's nothing I can do ♪ ♪ A total eclipse of the heart ♪

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: What's all this, then?
Cameron: The doctor said absolutely no sun while I'm on these antibiotics.
Mitchell: And what would happen? Because if it's anything short of death, I-I think you should risk it.

Quote from Manny

Claire: Manny, how do you take your eggs?
Manny: Like God made 'em. [cracks egg into a glass, drinks the yolk and throws the shell out of the window] Mm!
Haley: Manny, what are you doing?
Luke: This isn't Manny. It's Manuel. He's trying to reinvent himself for college. He's going for a strong, silent type.
Manny: Hey, don't try to define me, man.
Haley: "Manuel's" gonna last five minutes.
Manny: Hey. [bones crack] It is what it is, man.

Quote from Alex

Alex: [aside to camera] Ben and I have been dating a few months now, and things have been going so well, I decided to invite him on our family vacation. We knew it would take some...
Ben: [kisses Alex] I could listen to you talk forever.
Alex: Aww! We knew it would take some convincing.

Quote from Alex

Claire: It's bad enough that I have to see Ben's stupid face at the office every day. You want to bring him on our trip?
Alex: Just because he bugs you doesn't mean this will ruin your vacation.
Claire: He's a huge reason why I need a vacation!
Ben: [slurps] I mean, I can see both sides.

Quote from Alex

Ben: Ohhh. Does anyone know if these pancakes are gluten-free?
Alex: I can't!
Ben: Why? What's wrong?
Alex: I can't listen to you talk about gluten anymore! Or mouth guards or airborne allergens or any of your other weird afflictions!

Quote from Cameron

Gloria: Ay, no.
Phil: What am I looking at?
Cameron: Okay, relax. You all act like you've never seen a caftan before. I just needed full breathable coverage today.
Mitchell: The fact that it looks so great is just a bonus.

Quote from Lily

Joe: What's that?
Lily: "Groovy Guppies." I'm gonna binge-watch the last season.
Joe: I never heard of it.
Lily: Get out of whatever your mommy's got you doing. Your life is about to change.

Quote from Phil

Luke: But if you're looking for something fun, the rental guy gave us this pamphlet.
Claire: Thanks. We already got one, but... Oh. Yours is different. Parasailing, wakeboarding, jetpacking?
Phil: Ours has sunrise chair yoga, watercolors at water's edge, and something called cloud study?
Luke: Yeah, they gave that one to Grandpa, too.
Claire: We got the old people one?
Phil: No! Why would they do that?
Haley: Looks like you guys got some fluffy ones out today. That one looks like a bunny.
Phil: Oh, yeah.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Oh, wait. Look. There's that nice lake butler that helped me earlier with my bags. Señor. Señor. Could you take care of our kids for a couple of hours? I will pay you double what you make working for the lake.
Ben: Seriously? You know me. We rode to the airport together.
Cameron: Can you watch our kids or not?
Ben: Actually, I'm kind of, uh... Alex? [motor revs] Any food allergies I should know about?

Quote from Claire

Phil: This is fun. Just the two of us.
Claire: Yeah. And the walking sticks are a real game changer.
Phil: Hold the phone. We've hit a vista.
Claire: Oh.
Phil: Looks like you're not the only mountain chickadee around here.
Claire: You spotted one?
Phil: When it's your turn, note her black bib.
Claire: Okay. Oh, my God.
Phil: Isn't she majestic?
Claire: Phil, we're them. We're the cover of the old people's pamphlet.
Phil: Well, that's a fine "How do ya do."
Claire: Oh, even this guy wouldn't say that!

Quote from Luke

Haley: [aside to camera] We walked around that whole island. No hot boys, girls... nothing. Just a bunch of birds.
Luke: And not even hot birds.

Quote from Jay

[as Jay applies sun cream to Phil's back:]
Phil: It tickles!
Jay: Listen, Phil.
Phil: I know, I know. This never happened.
Jay: Oh, it happened. Never forget how these strong father-in-law hands gave you pleasure.

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: Um, it's really embarrassing. Uh, I ran into this guy who works at the bait shop.
Jay: Is that a gay bar?
Mitchell: No, an actual bait shop. And I came on to him years ago. It turns out he was straight. And I'm... I'm still traumatized by it.
Jay: Let me give you some advice. Run toward embarrassment, not away from it. You got that?
Mitchell: Wait. What?
Jay: Go talk to the guy. Run toward embarrassment, not away from it, and you take away its power.
Mitchell: That's actually not the worst advice.
Jay: It's great advice. In fact, you should write it down. It feels quotable.
Mitchell: You know what? I am. I'm going back there.
Jay: You got this, Mitchell. Just think of it as one more time when your dad helped you out with all this gay business.

Quote from Alex

Manny: Ow! I got a splinter in my pinkie!
Alex: I think we have a time of death on Manuel.

Quote from Luke

Manny: Shut up! It's your fault for making me rub those sticks together so fast.
Alex: My fault? We wouldn't even be out here if it weren't for these two lizard brains not being able to keep it in their pants.
Luke: You're just jealous because we don't hate ourselves for being attracted to other people.
Alex: Please! I'm not accepting a psych evaluation from somebody who texted me for help getting out of the bathroom this morning.
Luke: Boat locks are different!

Quote from Manny

Haley: He's right, you know. This is your first time bringing a boy on vacation, and the second he sat down with the whole family, things started to get a little too real for you. So you started to pick Ben apart so you could justify pushing him away.
Alex: I don't think I do that. Do I do that? I do do that.
Manny: When you think about it, I'm in a similar situation. College is getting a little real, and maybe I'm nervous about a whole new group of people rejecting me, so I hid Manny away. After all, [voice breaking] can't hurt a man they'll never meet.
Luke: Ugh. I miss Manuel.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Um, I don't know if you remember this, but I tried to kiss you once, and I've... I've just always... I've felt really terrible about it. And I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
Scotty: Oh, yeah. No, I barely remember that. We had a great summer. Don't think twice about it.
Mitchell: Oh! That is... That is such a relief.
Scotty: Remember we stole my dad's truck and took it to the casino?
Mitchell: Right.
Scotty: I was trying to cheer you up because that bully kept pushing you in the lake.
Mitchell: Claire. Yeah. No, we're cool now.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Um, so, listen, good to see you.
Scotty: Great to see you.
Mitchell: Oh, and, hey, listen. Thank you so much for understanding. A lot of straight guys wouldn't have been so nice.
Scotty: Straight? I'm not straight. [chuckles]
Mitchell: I'm sorry. What?
Scotty: I'm gayer than three crawdaddies in a bucket. [to customers] Were you guys looking for bait? I just got in some California Short Worms that are definitely not regular worms cut in half.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Hi, again. Quick question.
Scotty: No refunds on the bait. They were alive when you bought them. Oh. Hey, Mitchy. Sorry.
Mitchell: Just curious. Um... How long after we hung out did you realize that you were gay?
Scotty: Oh, no, it was... It was years before that.
Mitchell: Oh. Okay. So... So, back then, when you said that you... You weren't "into this," you meant that you weren't into me.
Scotty: Well...
Mitchell: Because I must have been the only gay kid around for miles, right?
Scotty: Oh, I don't... Yeah, I mean, technically, yeah.
Mitchell: Oh, let me get this right. You're in the middle of nowhere, with no other options, at an age where a boy gets excited by the wind, and you looked at me, and you said, "Ooh, pass."
Scotty: W... I... I'm sorry. I feel bad. It was years ago, though. You want some... free bait? Have a lure?
Mitchell: Apparently, I don't have allure.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, Gloria, there's a store. Go in there. Get me something to cover me up with anything. But if there is a color choice, avoid yellow and green. It washes me out.
Gloria: Oh, yeah, Cam, I would love to help you. The same way you helped me fall into that filthy lake! Hey, kids! Watch out for the naked man!
Cameron: What?
Gloria: Good luck.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Hello, darkness, my old friend.

Quote from Mitchell

Scotty: If you don't mind, I... I do want to go outside and see the eclipse.
Mitchell: Oh, I'm not done. Just- Just so you know, plenty of people find me very attractive, okay, including my amazing husband, who is no slouch himself.
Cameron: [wearing a sandwich board] Hi. Do you sell muumuus?
Mitchell: And I am going to find him right now.

Quote from Mitchell

Claire: "Run toward embarrassment"? What does that even mean?
Mitchell: I don't know. He needs this.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Honey, I want you to have my telescope. May it inspire you to love science.
Alex: I already love science.
Jay: This feels like a real turning point. You know, it's a story you'll want to tell people. "He always told me to reach for the stars."


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