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35Quotes from ‘Heavy is the Head’

Modern Family: Heavy is the Head

814. Heavy is the Head

Aired February 22, 2017

Phil and Jay risk being left up a creek without a paddle when their plot of land springs a leak. Cameron is scared to get an MRI scan after a head injury. Meanwhile, Claire is determined to show her employees that she's feeling the pain of budget cuts too. Unfortunately, the same day that Claire announced the cost-cutting, Gloria treats her to a day of lavish luxury in her office.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: No, okay, not happening. I'm having flashbacks. I don't know if I ever told you this, but when I was kid, I fell into a well.
Mitchell & Cameron: [together] It happened the same day as baby Jessica, but she got all the press.
Cameron: It still stings. Everybody loves a baby, but not one single prayer for a husky teen who's stuck head-first in a well for the better part of an hour.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Or you could just get your head checked so we don't lose you over some stupid fear.
Cameron: Do you know what I went through in that well on October 14, 1987, while the whole world was focused on that media whore Jessica?
Mitchell: She was a baby, but yeah.
Cameron: It was hell. And I would not have survived if those firemen wouldn't have figured out a way to lower my little Aunt Edna into that well and touch my feet and tell me it was gonna be okay and that I wasn't alone.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Breathe it in, girls. My journey begins today. Finally bringing something into this world I can be proud of.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: As children, the Wright Brothers dreamed of flying machines. Oprah dreamed of hiding presents under chairs. And I dreamed of building something magnificent. Well, recently, Jay and I bought a vacant lot on which we are building Dunphy Tower. What I wouldn't give to reach back in time to tell the 15-year-old dreamer who drew this, "We did it, kid."

Quote from Haley

Haley: Thank you for meeting with me.
Manny: I came as fast as I could.
[aside to camera:]
Haley: I lied to my boyfriend. Everybody does it at the beginning of a relationship. "Oh, I love jazz." "It's sexy when a man cries." "Your daughter is so sweet." Me I told Rainer I love his favorite show, "Game of Thrones," so now he's taking me to Comic-Con. I don't love "Game of Thrones." I've never even seen "Game of Thrones." And for the record, his daughter is kind of a monster.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Oops, I accidentally made my favorite drink. Thanks for the tip.
Mason: I've been working here for five years. Didn't get this far by being stupid.
Gillian: I'm thinking about having a little party at my place tonight. You down, A-Dogg?
Alex: If "down" means attending and "A-Dogg" means Alex, then yes.
[aside to camera:]
Alex: I thought I'd quit the coffee shop when I went back to school, but I'm kind of loving it. Plus, it taught me something important. If you pretend to be who people want you to be, you can have as many friends as you want. God, I would love another crack at high school.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: What are you scared? Huh? You're chicken?
Cameron: Yeah, and I thought I made that clear in there when I peed a little.
Mitchell: Fine, you just go ahead and die. And I'll raise Lily by myself, and she will never step foot in another farm or circus.
Cameron: I will haunt you.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I'm sorry. I dreamt too big.
Jay: It's not your fault. I'm the one who believed in you.
Phil: You're also the one who overplayed his hand.
Jay: We've already established mistakes were made. We need to be thinking about next steps.
Phil: Maybe we need to build something smaller, like a cool restaurant or something.
Jay: I've thought about that. Who's gonna come down here? There's nowhere to park.
Phil: Oh, my God, that's it a parking lot.
Jay: That's not bad. We could build it for nothing and pay off the majority of the loan by tomorrow.
Phil: [flame whooses] Let's talk about this somewhere else.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Maybe 15-year-old Phil had it right. Sometimes you have to look at your dream from a different angle. I guess it was a parking lot all along.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] I have to be very delicate with Gloria around my birthday. Last year, for some insane reason, she got me this gift certificate for ridiculous salsa-dancing lessons. Like I'm ever gonna use that. Come on. Anyway, somehow, she's convinced herself I didn't "appreciate" her gifts. You know. [scoffs] Some people.

Quote from Gloria

Claire: So, tomorrow at work might be a little bit hectic. Just a lot of stuff going on at the office. And it's not that I don't want to do it, 'cause I do.
Gloria: No, Claire, let's not do this dance again. We all know how you feel about dancing.

Quote from Phil

Jay: Proud, proud day, Phil.
Phil: Thanks, partner.
Jay: Maybe we should get this show on the road. The photographer's been taking shots of Haley when she's not looking.
Phil: That's weird. I didn't hire a photographer.

Quote from Jay

Jared Cook: Dunphy, right? Jared Cook. Nice shovel.
Phil: Thanks. I painted it myself. This is my partner, Jay Pritchett.
Jared Cook: I represent Jetatech. Are you familiar with us?
Jay: Not in the least.
Phil: Oh, you'll have to forgive Jay. He's a bit of Luddite.
Jared Cook: Anyway, our building is two doors down, and we're looking to expand our campus. We want this lot, and we're prepared to offer you 20% over what you paid plus expenses.
Jay: That's a nice offer, Jare, but I don't think you understand what's happening here. It's not about the huge profits. We're building my son-in-law's dream, and it's gonna be a giant success because this is man of vision.
Jared Cook: Oh, I know all about dreams. Someday, I hope to get into encrypted packet switching. Good luck to you, gentlemen.
Phil: Jay, this man's vision just got blurry with tears.
Jay: Would you get ahold of yourself. I just said that crap to drive the price up. He'll be back.

Quote from Phil

Phil: By the power vested in me by the Commercial Zoning Board, I do hereby officially break ground on the future home of Dunphy Tower. Oh, that's strong soil. That's a good omen. I'm gonna pogo it. [all shout indistinctly] Anybody else bring a shovel?

Quote from Claire

Ben: Oh, thank God you're here. It's a nightmare. The staff is in an uproar about these budget cuts. Telling them there's no more overtime was bad, but when I had to tell them there were no more bagels, someone threw a cup at my head.
Claire: I don't know what else to do. Sales-wise we didn't exactly have the Christmas I was hoping for. What do people give each other, anyway?

Quote from Claire

Ben: Well, just spitballing here maybe we could fire Kenny from the warehouse.
Claire: No one's getting fired.
Ben: But he does a really hurtful impression of me.
Claire: Come on, guys. Everybody gather round. I don't like these budget cuts any more than you do, but I want you to know I'm in this with you. I've cut my expenses. All the execs are flying coach. But I do want you to feel like you have a voice in this. So, not only is my office door always open to you, I've actually had it removed.
Ben: That's a very powerful metaphor, boss.
Kenny: [nasally] That's a very powerful metaphor, boss. [laughter]
Claire: Kenny, thanks for keeping it light. So good!

Quote from Claire

Gloria: Happy birthday!
Claire: What are you doing in here?
Gloria: You said that you were too busy to get away from the office to celebrate. So I brought the celebration to you.
Ben: Snap.
Claire: Oh. Is that caviar?
Gloria: Yes! And something to wash it down.
Claire: Oh, yay, champagne. [chuckles] [to Ben] Get me a door.

Quote from Cameron

Lily: If I don't win the science fair with this thing you built me, it's rigged.
Cameron: Amen, sister.
Mitchell: [enters] Oh, come on, you started without me?
Lily: No, we finished without you.
Cameron: Yeah, we wanted it work.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: I guess you also wanted it to be really simplistic, because right there, you can make it better if you just added- [drill whirs] OKay. So, right there, you can make it better if you just added- [drill whirs] Okay. I thought you said you were done!
Cameron: Okay, Mitchell, I love you.
Mitchell: But?
Cameron: No "but." Yet we both know I'm the more mechanically-inclined daddy.

Quote from Lily

Lily: If it makes you feel any better, I didn't do anything, either.
Mitchell: No, that doesn't make me feel better. You're supposed to be learning from this.
Lily: I learned a new swear word.
Cameron: Uh, um, I got a splinter. It was worth it.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I got here as quick as I could. Please tell me this is good news. [liquid gurgling] Please tell me that's oil.
Pete: Found a sewer line running straight through the property. Also, a water main, and for some reason, giant pockets of methane.
Phil: Talk to me, Pete.
Pete: I feel like I just did.
Phil: How much is it gonna cost?
Pete: Money-wise, you're looking at mid-six-figures.
Phil: When you say six, does that include the two-cent figures?
Pete: No. Plus, time-wise, you're looking at maybe a year delay with permits and utilities, environmental-
Phil: Stop talking to me, Pete.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Oh, my God, why is Jay here?
Pete: I called him, too.
Phil: He'll shut this whole project down if he sees this. Put some plywood over the hole. Tony, do what you can to cover the methane smell. Everybody else, just look busy. How could this happen? I had a ladybug land on my shoulder today.

Quote from Manny

Gillian: Oh, God, here he comes.
Alex: Who?
Mason: Ugh. This little guy in his 40s here every Friday. Always has a super-complicated drink order. [door bells jingle]
Manny: Oh, hey, Alex. I'll have a 20-ounce iced skinny hazelnut macchiato, sugar-free syrup, double shot of espresso, light ice - not no ice - no whip.

Quote from Haley

Manny: This is a lot to cover in four hours. Let's start with everything you know about George R.R. Martin's masterwork.
Haley: Well, I know this guy dies, there's lots of boobs, and I want to say a spaceship?
Manny: This will go a lot faster if you don't talk.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, this is crazy. I don't need an MRI.
Mitchell: The doctor ordered when you told her you could taste colors in a French accent.
Cameron: Oh all right. Well, I don't even do a French accent.
Mitchell: I didn't say it was a good one.

Quote from Cameron

Bobby: Guys, we usually try to move the head injuries along.
Mitchell: Yes.
Cameron: Okay. Well, it's it's just so small.
Bobby: It's bigger than it looks.
Cameron: See, there's nothing wrong with my brain, 'cause I have three funny comebacks to that.
Mitchell: Cam, come on, let's listen to, uh, Bobby. He knows what he's talking about.
Cameron: I don't think we can really trust anything a grown man named Bobby says.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay. Uh, Robert, hi. Can I have question. So, listen. I know this is a giant magnet, and I have a lot of fillings. Are they just gonna fly out of my head?
Bobby: That never happens.
Cameron: Okay. Um, I'm also on an iron supplement. Is that...
Bobby: An issue? No. Let's just get you on that table, huh?

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Actually, Cam, this is very peaceful.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: It was a torture chamber. I was in there one minute, and I cried.

Quote from Cameron

Ira Glass: "This American Life," I'm Ira Glass. Today's program "Puppy Love." We'll hear the story of a man who met his soul mate through a lost schnauzer, a beagle from Coos Bay, Oregon, who, for one week, was mayor. And we start with Act 1, a search-and-rescue collie looking for his owner, who was buried alive for 18 days.
Woman: After drinking his own urine for a week, Horace Laughton could no longer ignore the terrible truth he was running out of oxygen.
Cameron: H-help. Help! Help! Get me out of here! Hey! I will kill you! Ohh!
Mitchell: Cam, come on, this is serious.
Cameron: [panting] Oh, my God. I can't breathe. I need air. I need air!
Mitchell: [scoffs] I'm sorry. He is being such a baby, huh?
Bobby: There's a camera in there. I watched you cry.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Oh, my God, this is so confusing. So, the little guy from "Elf"
Manny: Tyrion Lannister.
Haley: Whatever. I don't know actors' names. Is he Jaime's brother or Cersei's brother?
Manny: Both Jaime and Cersei are brother and sister.
Haley: But they were just doing it in the tower. That is so twisted. [gasps] Go on.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Guys, the craziest thing just happened. I went in there with a list of demands.
Gillian: And weaseled your way to a promotion.
Alex: No, trust me n-nothing is going to change. But while I'm staring at it, would one of you guys mind taking out this trash at some point?
Mason: Heil, assistant manager.
Alex: No, no, no, no, no! This is good for all of us. Now we have someone on the inside me. A-Dogg.
Mason: More like Adolf.
Alex: I-I-I think you're really minimizing that atrocity.

Quote from Phil

Jay: Now, let me do the talking.
Phil: Good. I don't feel like talking. It's just you nurture a dream for 30 years, only to see it go up in flames like Pete's eyebrow. I feel like a part of-
Jay: This is you not talking?

Quote from Manny

Manny: And as Hodor blocked the door to save his friend Bran Stark, Bran had a vision of a younger Hodor saying, "Hold the door, hold the door. Hold door." And finally, "Hodor," the only word he would say for the rest of his life, a life that was now ending.
Haley: [voice breaking] He knew. Hodor knew his whole life that his destiny was to save his little friend. Just like you have saved from embarrassment at Comic-Con, so thank you, Manny.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Seriously, the roof? I've been looking for you everywhere.
Cameron: I just needed some space and some fresh air. [inhales] It smells so purple.

Quote from Claire

Ben: Uh, hey, so, small problem.
Gloria: It can wait! Every problem can wait. So now go, mister.
Ben: Come on, I've been in your home.
Claire: All right, Ben. What is it?
Ben: Today's Margaret's birthday, but it was too late to cancel the cake. Everyone saw it get delivered.
Claire: It's fine. Let them eat cake. [all groan]
Dom: Is she kidding?
Claire: That's not what I meant!

Quote from Gloria

Claire: I realize that the optics are a bit troubling, especially today.
Kevin: A day when you've been sipping champagne while we've gone over an hour without snacks.
Gloria: Enough! You should all be ashamed of yourselves. How long have I known you people? Dom, Kenny, Josie, the two Herms.
Ben: Seriously?
Gloria: You all go home at 5:00. This woman never punches out. She goes home and never sleeps because she's thinking how to make this company better. Can't you tell what a mess she has become? How tense she is, her awkward tics, the way she grinds her teeth to dust. I think that she deserves some pampering. So now get out of here!

Quote from Mitchell

Lily: [timer dings] Please tell me that's dinner. I'm starving.
Mitchell: No, that's Daddy's alarm. We can't let him nap for more than two hours because of the concussion. Oh, look at him. He looks so peaceful. He's had such a rough day. When I tried to wake him up last time, he got so upset.
Lily: I'll do it.
Mitchell: Who raised you? Fine, just be gentle, okay? [hands Lily money]
Lily: Thanks. Also, don't touch this. It's my art project.
Mitchell: Oh, can I help you with that?
Lily: No. Daddy said he should because he's more artistic than you.
Mitchell: Okay. [pan banging]
Cameron: What?! What?! Why?!
Mitchell: Oh, good, you're alive.


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