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Heart Broken

‘Heart Broken’

Season 4, Episode 15 - Aired February 13, 2013

Ahead of Valentine's Day, Phil and Claire are forced to drop their alter egos, Clive Bixby and Juliana, when Claire collapses and has to go to the hospital. Gloria and Jay are hoping to finally be together again on Valentine's Day, but they keep getting interrupted. Meanwhile, Cameron and Mitch over-imbibe at their Lonely Hearts party and they pay for it the morning after.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: Can I say one short thing? I came to this house a broken man after my mom threw me out for her new boyfriend. And then I found out I was getting let go from the limo company the same night Haley goes to a party without me. So I had nothing and no one. And then you... [cries]
Cameron: Okay. Come on. Tell him.
Mitchell: Let him finish.
Dylan: I'm sorry. I mean, gay dudes have always been nice to me. I mean, super nice. But nothing like this. I guess what I'm trying to say is-
Mitchell: Oh, my God. He's gonna sing.
Dylan: [playing guitar and singing] So many years living life underwater Came up for air in the room of your daughter I never knew I would find my answer in my ex-girlfriend's uncles' house with the tiny pink panther.


Quote from Phil

Phil: Voila.
Claire: Square knot. Impressive.
Phil: I can make any kind of knot. It's like I have a sailor in my mouth.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Clive Bixby, what a sexy surprise.
Phil: Quick question: Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you- Uh, I'm gonna come in again.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: We are watching baby Joe on Valentine's day so my dad and Gloria can...
Phil: Make love.
Claire: Ew. Don't.
Phil: Oh.
Claire: The point is, we are celebrating a day early.
Phil: So they can finally be intimate.
Claire: You've more than made that point.
Phil: I'm just saying it's a long wait after giving birth. Six weeks.
Claire: Ugh.
Phil: I couldn't keep my hands off this one for that long. I can only imagine what Jay's going through.

Quote from Phil

Claire: I should check on the kids.
Phil: Haley took 'em to a movie. She's not even gonna answer.
Claire: I know, but, sweetie, I have a good reason to worry. Luke had that nasty nosebleed this morning, and Alex, as usual, fainted.
Phil: She's fine, and Dunphy men get nosebleeds. I told you this when we got married. It was in my vows.
Claire: I'm still a little unclear as to why you put them in your vows.

Quote from Phil

Dr. Coben: Blood pressure's still good. I think I can send you home.
Claire: Great. So it was probably just low blood sugar or something?
Phil: See, honey? I told you it was nothing to worry about.
Dr. Coben: Well, it's not nothing. You did have a small heart episode.
Phil: Dr. Coben, this may have been my fault. I think I was being too sexy.
Dr. Coben: Yeah, I don't think that's an issue.
Phil: You sure about that?

Quote from Phil

Phil: I guess we should tell your dad we can't watch the baby tomorrow.
Claire: No. No. I don't want everyone to know about this. They're just gonna get worried and- And make a bigger deal of it than it is. Sweetheart, promise me?
Phil: I promise. I know it's not that big a deal.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: This is a huge deal. For which I'm partly responsible, in spite of what Claire's lesbian doctor says.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Honey, I know what you're doing. You're treating me like a patient, and you promised that you wouldn't.
Phil: No. No, no, no, no, no. I just had a better idea.
Claire: What?
Phil: Side-by-side couples massage.
Claire: Oh.
Phil: Just you, me, and a couple Cambodian guys to work us over good.
Claire: Specific.

Quote from Phil

Claire: What is that?
Phil: You think the kids are home?
Claire: That sounds like more than our three. Oh. Oh, they think we're not home, and they're having a party. I'm killing them.
Phil: No, no, no. No, no, no. A. It's my turn to kill them. B. you need to order up those massages. It's under "Best Number One U.S.A. Coca-Cola Good Time Massage."

Quote from Claire

Phil: Look, I know you feel like you have to be the rock for this family and worry about everybody's boy problems and nosebleeds and who has enough greens.
Claire: They're supposed to cover half the plate.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: I love how you look in this suit. Let's see how it looks on the floor, okay?
Jay: Okay, but I gotta be in a meeting in one hour.
Gloria: Ay, that's so cute that after six weeks, you think you're going to need an hour!

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