Dylan: Can I say one short thing? I came to this house a broken man after my mom threw me out for her new boyfriend. And then I found out I was getting let go from the limo company the same night Haley goes to a party without me. So I had nothing and no one. And then you... [cries]
Cameron: Okay. Come on. Tell him.
Mitchell: Let him finish.
Dylan: I'm sorry. I mean, gay dudes have always been nice to me. I mean, super nice. But nothing like this. I guess what I'm trying to say is-
Mitchell: Oh, my God. He's gonna sing.
Dylan: [playing guitar and singing] So many years living life underwater Came up for air in the room of your daughter I never knew I would find my answer in my ex-girlfriend's uncles' house with the tiny pink panther.

Phil: Voila.
Claire: Square knot. Impressive.
Phil: I can make any kind of knot. It's like I have a sailor in my mouth.

Claire: Clive Bixby, what a sexy surprise.
Phil: Quick question: Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you- Uh, I'm gonna come in again.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: We are watching baby Joe on Valentine's day so my dad and Gloria can...
Phil: Make love.
Claire: Ew. Don't.
Phil: Oh.
Claire: The point is, we are celebrating a day early.
Phil: So they can finally be intimate.
Claire: You've more than made that point.
Phil: I'm just saying it's a long wait after giving birth. Six weeks.
Claire: Ugh.
Phil: I couldn't keep my hands off this one for that long. I can only imagine what Jay's going through.

Claire: I should check on the kids.
Phil: Haley took 'em to a movie. She's not even gonna answer.
Claire: I know, but, sweetie, I have a good reason to worry. Luke had that nasty nosebleed this morning, and Alex, as usual, fainted.
Phil: She's fine, and Dunphy men get nosebleeds. I told you this when we got married. It was in my vows.
Claire: I'm still a little unclear as to why you put them in your vows.

Dr. Coben: Blood pressure's still good. I think I can send you home.
Claire: Great. So it was probably just low blood sugar or something?
Phil: See, honey? I told you it was nothing to worry about.
Dr. Coben: Well, it's not nothing. You did have a small heart episode.
Phil: Dr. Coben, this may have been my fault. I think I was being too sexy.
Dr. Coben: Yeah, I don't think that's an issue.
Phil: You sure about that?

Phil: I guess we should tell your dad we can't watch the baby tomorrow.
Claire: No. No. I don't want everyone to know about this. They're just gonna get worried and- And make a bigger deal of it than it is. Sweetheart, promise me?
Phil: I promise. I know it's not that big a deal.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: This is a huge deal. For which I'm partly responsible, in spite of what Claire's lesbian doctor says.

Claire: Honey, I know what you're doing. You're treating me like a patient, and you promised that you wouldn't.
Phil: No. No, no, no, no, no. I just had a better idea.
Claire: What?
Phil: Side-by-side couples massage.
Claire: Oh.
Phil: Just you, me, and a couple Cambodian guys to work us over good.
Claire: Specific.

Claire: What is that?
Phil: You think the kids are home?
Claire: That sounds like more than our three. Oh. Oh, they think we're not home, and they're having a party. I'm killing them.
Phil: No, no, no. No, no, no. A. It's my turn to kill them. B. you need to order up those massages. It's under "Best Number One U.S.A. Coca-Cola Good Time Massage."

Phil: Look, I know you feel like you have to be the rock for this family and worry about everybody's boy problems and nosebleeds and who has enough greens.
Claire: They're supposed to cover half the plate.

Gloria: I love how you look in this suit. Let's see how it looks on the floor, okay?
Jay: Okay, but I gotta be in a meeting in one hour.
Gloria: Ay, that's so cute that after six weeks, you think you're going to need an hour!