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40Quotes from ‘Heart Broken’

Modern Family: Heart Broken

415. Heart Broken

Aired February 13, 2013

Ahead of Valentine's Day, Phil and Claire are forced to drop their alter egos, Clive Bixby and Juliana, when Claire collapses and has to go to the hospital. Gloria and Jay are hoping to finally be together again on Valentine's Day, but they keep getting interrupted. Meanwhile, Cameron and Mitch over-imbibe at their Lonely Hearts party and they pay for it the morning after.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: Can I say one short thing? I came to this house a broken man after my mom threw me out for her new boyfriend. And then I found out I was getting let go from the limo company the same night Haley goes to a party without me. So I had nothing and no one. And then you... [cries]
Cameron: Okay. Come on. Tell him.
Mitchell: Let him finish.
Dylan: I'm sorry. I mean, gay dudes have always been nice to me. I mean, super nice. But nothing like this. I guess what I'm trying to say is-
Mitchell: Oh, my God. He's gonna sing.
Dylan: [playing guitar and singing] So many years living life underwater Came up for air in the room of your daughter I never knew I would find my answer in my ex-girlfriend's uncles' house with the tiny pink panther.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Voila.
Claire: Square knot. Impressive.
Phil: I can make any kind of knot. It's like I have a sailor in my mouth.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Clive Bixby what a sexy surprise.
Phil: Quick question: Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you- Uh, I'm gonna come in again.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: We are watching baby Joe on Valentine's day so my dad and Gloria can...
Phil: Make love.
Claire: Ew. Don't.
Phil: Oh.
Claire: The point is, we are celebrating a day early.
Phil: So they can finally be intimate.
Claire: You've more than made that point.
Phil: I'm just saying it's a long wait after giving birth. Six weeks.
Claire: Ugh.
Phil: I couldn't keep my hands off this one for that long. I can only imagine what Jay's going through.

Quote from Phil

Claire: I should check on the kids.
Phil: Haley took 'em to a movie. She's not even gonna answer.
Claire: I know, but, sweetie, I have a good reason to worry. Luke had that nasty nosebleed this morning, and Alex, as usual, fainted.
Phil: She's fine, and Dunphy men get nosebleeds. I told you this when we got married. It was in my vows.
Claire: I'm still a little unclear as to why you put them in your vows.

Quote from Phil

Dr. Coben: Blood pressure's still good. I think I can send you home.
Claire: Great. So it was probably just low blood sugar or something?
Phil: See, honey? I told you it was nothing to worry about.
Dr. Coben: Well, it's not nothing. You did have a small heart episode.
Phil: Dr. Coben, this may have been my fault. I think I was being too sexy.
Dr. Coben: Yeah, I don't think that's an issue.
Phil: You sure about that?

Quote from Phil

Phil: I guess we should tell your dad we can't watch the baby tomorrow.
Claire: No. No. I don't want everyone to know about this. They're just gonna get worried and- And make a bigger deal of it than it is. Sweetheart, promise me?
Phil: I promise. I know it's not that big a deal.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: This is a huge deal. For which I'm partly responsible, in spite of what Claire's lesbian doctor says.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Honey, I know what you're doing. You're treating me like a patient, and you promised that you wouldn't.
Phil: No. No, no, no, no, no. I just had a better idea.
Claire: What?
Phil: Side-by-side couples massage.
Claire: Oh.
Phil: Just you, me, and a couple Cambodian guys to work us over good.
Claire: Specific.

Quote from Phil

Claire: What is that?
Phil: You think the kids are home?
Claire: That sounds like more than our three. Oh. Oh, they think we're not home, and they're having a party. I'm killing them.
Phil: No, no, no. No, no, no. A. It's my turn to kill them. B. you need to order up those massages. It's under "Best Number One U.S.A. Coca-Cola Good Time Massage."

Quote from Claire

Phil: Look, I know you feel like you have to be the rock for this family and worry about everybody's boy problems and nosebleeds and who has enough greens.
Claire: They're supposed to cover half the plate.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: I love how you look in this suit. Let's see how it looks on the floor, okay?
Jay: Okay, but I gotta be in a meeting in one hour.
Gloria: Ay, that's so cute that after six weeks, you think you're going to need an hour!

Quote from Manny

Manny: Happy Valentine's day! It's the one time of the year when the world tries to be as romantic as I am all the time. Good luck, world.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Gloria, I'll be back in two hours, tops.
Gloria: We decide who does what when you come back.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Watch. [Joe cries as Gloria tries to put him in his crib, stops when she moves him back] Watch. [again]
Jay: Okay, I used to have a TV got reception like that. Let me try. Hey, Joe. Joe. Hey buddy. Guy to guy, you're blocking me a little bit. You know that. Oh! Yes, you do. Yes, you do, Joe. Hey, how about a half-hour? What do you say, pal? Huh? Can you do it? Attaboy!
Gloria: I've never been more attracted to you.
Jay: Prove it.
Lily: Are you kissing?
Jay: That's a bit of a mood killer.
Lily: My daddies kiss a lot.
Jay: And flatlined.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Lily, we're so happy to have you here. I have a big surprise for you! Look! A brand-new, shiny TV remote!
Lily: Looks complicated.
Jay: Just keep hitting all those buttons until something good happens. That's my plan, anyway.

Quote from Jay

Harlan: I'm Harlan. I'm here to do your baby proofing.
Gloria: Jay, I've been waiting for this appointment for weeks.
Jay: I've waited longer for mine. The human race has survived for a thousand years without these foam bumpers and--and gates everywhere. Hell, I used to drive to the supermarket with Mitchell and Claire on the hood of the car. When did everybody get so overprotective?
Gloria: Maybe when kids started flying off cars.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] I know a lot of people think that I'm attracted to Jay because of his money, but they're wrong. I'm attracted to him because he's sexy, and he's never been sexier than today. The suit, the carrying of the boxes, the yelling on the phone. And the drilling. So much drilling.
[cut to:]
Gloria: Time to go, Harlan.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Oh, I think I gotta check on him. There was something about some kind of secret admirer getting him to- Gloria: Bring his poems? Yeah, he told me when I was lint-rolling his jacket.
Jay: And you're not worried it's a prank?
Gloria: Of course I worry. I worry about him all the time. But like you said, we can't protect them from everything. So I'm just trying to, like, let go a little bit.
Jay: Let him ride on top of the car?
Gloria: No, that's just crazy.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I guess I got off easy. She is blunt but effective. Maybe we should have her talk to the gardener.

Quote from Phil

Phil: First, we have a date with romance. A threesome, if you will.
Claire: Oh.
Phil: From here, we move on to an old-fashioned blimpnic.
Claire: Now is that the one where the man has to face out at the woman-
Phil: It's a picnic on a blimp. Champagne, cheese, and this beautiful city beneath us.
Claire: That actually sounds really romantic.
Phil: After that, we swap our earplugs for some earmuffs, and take a few moonlit turns around the local ice rink.
Claire: Oh.
Phil: From there, it's a quick trip back to the hotel, where-
Claire: I'm spinning.
Phil: Well, I wouldn't start with that, but, uh, we- We can work our way up to it.
Claire: No. I'm feeling really weird.
Phil: Catch that, Clive? Just tell me what you want. Juliana? Claire? One of you needs to answer me.

Quote from Claire

Phil: Hey, honey, I was just reading about this Wolff-White thing. It's not that serious. You're gonna be fine.
Claire: I know. Who's ready to hit the ice?
Phil: What?
Claire: Come on. Somebody promised me a moonlit skate.
Phil: But didn't the doctor say you needed to take it easy?
Claire: Oh, that's just one of those things they have to say, like, "you can't drink when you're pregnant."

Quote from Haley

Phil: What the hell is going on?!
Haley: Dad? What are you doing home?
Phil: So this is how it is? We're gone for a minute, and you guys throw a party?
Haley: No!
Luke: Just texted mom we're having a good time at the movies. It works every t--aah!
Phil: So this is a regular thing?
Haley: No!
Alex: You know the drill. Coolers out b-aaa-ack!

Quote from Luke

Phil: Enough! Turn off the music. Everybody who I did not create, get out of my house right now! I don't want to get upset. I've been through enough tonight.
Haley: What happened?
Phil: I'm not supposed to tell you.
Alex: When you say it like that, we make it worse in our heads.
Phil: Fine. It's no big deal. Your mother had to go to the hospital.
Haley: Oh, my God!
Luke: What?!
Alex: That is so much worse than it would be in our heads!
Phil: She's fine. She just passed out a little. Something to do with her heart.
Haley: Like a heart attack?!
Alex: Mom had a heart attack?!
Luke: Mom almost died of a heart attack?!

Quote from Phil

Claire: Phil, everything okay?
Phil: Fine! I'm coming! [to the kids] Just act like everything's normal. Oh, and if, uh, two Cambodian guys show up, send them to our bedroom.

Quote from Claire

Phil: That is not what I said. Kids, everything is fine.
Haley: Call 9-1-1!
Alex: Oh, God!
Luke: Her heart exploded!
Phil: Oh, my God! I did it again!
Claire: Phil, it's your nose!

Quote from Claire

Claire: This is the one thing, the one thing I ask from you is not to make a big deal of this, and you couldn't even do that.
Phil: Honey, you need to stay calm.
Claire: No, I don't, because I am fine. We are all fine.
Alex: Oh, God. [collapses]
Claire: Haley, revive your sister.

Quote from Phil

Claire: It was kind of scary.
Phil: Of course.
Claire: Until I knew what it was, and then-
Phil: Don't ruin it. I just have one more question. Did it hurt?
Claire: Well, I blacked out before I-
Phil: When you fell from heaven?
Claire: Nailed it.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: I got a ticket running a red light, so let's make this worth it. Put the kid down.
Gloria: I can't. He's being a real Pritchett.
Jay: We need to come up with a different term for that.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Where were all these distractions the night that Joe was conceived?

Quote from Manny

Manny: Best day ever! I just got invited to a Valentine's party by a secret admirer!
Gloria: You should go.
Jay: Sounds great! Go!
Manny: I obviously need to get dressed first.
Jay: Can you keep it under a half-hour?
Manny: You're funny.

Quote from Manny

Jay: What's with the hat?
Manny: My secret admirer requested I wear a hat with a feather in it. I'm like, "Which one?"
Jay: Really? This secret admirer have any other requests?
Manny: Uh, yes. She asked me to bring some poetry to recite at the party.
Jay: Uh-uh. These, uh, kids at the party, they wouldn't be the popular ones by any chance?
Manny: The most popular. Why?
Jay: No reason. Just have fun.
Manny: I will.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: What? I have cigar breath?
Jay: It's not you.
Gloria: Ay. Did you already...
Jay: What? No! No.

Quote from Jay

Jay: That's the hardest part, isn't it? When you realize you can't stop the world from hurting them.
Gloria: Now you're making me want to cry. This is not what this day is all about.
Jay: You're right.
Gloria: Okay. I'll go and get us some champagne.
Jay: Good idea.
[later:]
Gloria: [on the phone] Manny? No, nothing. Just wanted to know if everything is okay.
[meanwhile:]
Jay: [on the phone] Hi, honey. Sorry to bother you. I know you're resting. I heard you had a little scare last night.
Hey, uh, when are you going back to the doctor? 'Cause if you want, I can go with you.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] This year for Valentine's day, we decided to throw a lonely hearts party for all of our single friends.
Cameron: Sometimes when we're around them, we feel a little guilty for having found each other, like we're waving our love in their faces.
Mitchell: There's gotta be a better way of saying that. Anyway, it was supposed to be an elegant affair.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Oh, Cam. Oh, God, that was some party last night.
Cameron: Yeah. Well, I'm just glad you made it home safely.
Mitchell: Wha- Made- Made it ho- I don't- I don't even remember leaving the party. Oh, I-I think I got a little tipsy.
Cameron: Tipsy? You were like all of the "Mad Men."

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Oh, my gosh, Mitchell, are these Burt and Dottie Winchell's Christmas decorations? How could you?
Mitchell: They never take them down, okay? I was doing the whole neighborhood a favor.

Quote from Dylan

Cameron: Not funny, Mitchell. Look at this place. What were you thinking?
Mitchell: Okay. Cam, I yes, I went a little nuts, all right? I-I'm sorry. But I didn't do anything that can't be undone.
Dylan: Hey, roomies. Hey, thank you so much for letting me move in here.
Cameron: Yes. Could you excuse us for just a a moment, Dylan?
Dylan: Yeah. Take as much time as you need. It's your house. I just live here now.

Quote from Mitchell

Dylan: Not looking. Not looking.
Cameron: It's okay, Dylan.
Dylan: I made you guys some soups.
Mitchell: Oh, Dylan, you didn't have to do that.
Dylan: Well, Cam didn't have to offer to let me stay here, but he did. So here are soups.
Mitchell: Cam offered?
Dylan: Well, I know he was speaking for both of you. You weren't home yet. Is that a problem?
Mitchell: Not for me.

Quote from Dylan

Cameron: Oh, my God. I hate myself right now. What kind of monster throws an injured innocent onto the street?
Lily: [to Dylan] You can't live here. Get out!
Mitchell: Lily.
Cameron: Lily.
Lily: It's weird. You're a big boy.
Cameron: I'm sorry, Dylan.
Mitchell: She doesn't mean that.
Dylan: No. She's right. Everyone says it. I need to stop running from conflict. It's time to be a big boy and patch things up and move back in with my mom. I'll get my things.

Quote from Mitchell

Lily: [o.s.] This isn't a hotel!
Mitchell: Yeah, you made your point, honey! He's got it.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [wearing a name tag that says Nigel] Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk in again?


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