‘The Cover-Up’
Season 7, Episode 16 - Aired March 16, 2016
Phil gets caught in a web of lies after he tries to keep Claire from finding out he has a new client who is very much "his type". Now that he's retired, Jay launches a webcast to give his opinions on the world today, but he's besieged by negative comments from a troll. Meanwhile, Gloria regrets asking Claire to come with her to yoga to see whether the instructor is being inappropriate, and Mitchell and Cameron try to teach a nervous Lily how to ride a bike.
Quote from Jay
Manny: You two need each other. It's what drives you.
Earl: The kid is right. Beating you is half the reason I get out of bed. Locking horns. We made each other better than I ever thought we could be.
Jay: Pushed each other to greatness.
Earl: We touched the sky.
Manny: We're talking about closets here, right?
Jay: Oh, I'm sorry, you mean the sanctuary where a man dons his armor in the morning and takes stock of the battle at night?!
Earl: The one thing we all have in common; presidents to postmen, tycoons to teachers, from sea to shining sea!
Manny: This is taking a weird turn.
Quote from Jay
Jay: Hey, America! I didn't see you there. Welcome to another live webcast of "Jay Talking." You know what really gets my goat? Goat cheese. It's on everything. I hate it. The only thing worse than goat cheese is eating it at a communal table with some jerk wearing a hat inside. Have some respect. And pull up your pants! Only crack I want to see is in the Liberty Bell. Greatest country on the damn planet.
Quote from Jay
[aside to camera:]
Jay: If, six months ago, you'd have told me I'd have a big Internet show, I would have said, "Yeah, that adds up." I used to entertain my staff with jokes and observations. When I retired, I started sharing those gems around the house. Manny went so nuts for it, he set up the whole webcast.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: Sorry, Internet. He's your problem now.
[flashback:]
Jay: Bottom line, you can keep your hashtags, 'cause I like hashbrowns. But, hey that's just "Jay Talking."
Quote from Cameron
Cameron: We are doing this tomorrow. She is getting on this bike.
Mitchell: What's the rush? She's 8 years old.
Cameron: Most Vietnamese kids her age are already riding a bike to work.
Quote from Mitchell
Cameron: Okay, why are you doing this? We need Lily to get on this bike.
Mitchell: Why are you pushing this so hard? She's clearly afraid.
Cameron: She's been afraid of a lot of things lately. Last week, she wouldn't even open her closet door because she thought something scary was in there.
Mitchell: Could be the denim jumpsuit your mom made her.
Cameron: This is a pivotal moment. We can't raise a child who won't ride a bike or get on an airplane or eat mayonnaise.
Mitchell: It's a texture thing. How does egg become that?
Quote from Manny
Manny: [aside to camera] "After seeing Manny Delgado mangle the role of Captain Von Trapp, all I can say is Doe-a-dear Lord, make it stop. I am 16 going on antidepressants. I wanted to climb every mountain and jump off." What teacher allowed this?
Quote from Claire
Gloria: [on the phone] Hola, Claire.
Claire: Hey. What's going on?
Gloria: You do a lot of yoga, right?
Claire: Ah, I used to. But all those judgy vegans with their ponytails and their Lululemon, namaste. I'm like, "nama-stay home," you know what I mean? [chuckles]
Quote from Phil
Claire: Who's Angie?
Phil: Oh. Just a woman I m-met inside.
Claire: Really? She gave you her number? And dotted her "I" with a little heart?
Phil: Oh, yeah. She's looking for a house. Sweet old lady.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Don't know why I said that.
[back:]
Phil: Little overweight.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: No idea where that came from.
[back:]
Phil: Thick Irish accent.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: I panicked! I should have told the truth, but Claire knows I have... a type. It was just a little white lie. Ironically.
Quote from Jay
Jay: Wow. 90 minutes just flew by. Hey, guys! The comments are already rolling in! "Keep it up, Jay." "You're saying what we're all thinking." "I miss chop suey, too."
Gloria: I love it, because now everybody gets to see what I live with.
Jay: What the hell? This guy again?
Gloria: Who?
Jay: Some meatball named "LadyKiller52" been dogging me for days. Look what he wrote. "Hey, Grandpa, no one cares what you think."
Gloria: Are you sure that that's not from Haley?
Jay: Here's another one. The same jerk! "It's weird you don't like goat cheese when you've got a goat face." Well, that makes no sense. What kind of goat eats its own cheese?
Quote from Jay
Jay: Here I am, trying to make America laugh and think, and this hockey puck's coming at me with tired insults.
Manny: Okay, I-it's called a troll, Jay. But you can't let him or anything else keep you from directing all of your opinions into that computer.
Jay: You're right, Manny. It's tough being in the public eye. Now I know why Sinatra was always punching guys.