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‘The Cover-Up’ Quotes

Modern Family: The Cover-Up

716. The Cover-Up

Aired March 16, 2016

Phil gets caught in a web of lies after he tries to keep Claire from finding out he has a new client who is very much "his type". Now that he's retired, Jay launches a webcast to give his opinions on the world today, but he's besieged by negative comments from a troll. Meanwhile, Gloria regrets asking Claire to come with her to yoga to see whether the instructor is being inappropriate, and Mitchell and Cameron try to teach a nervous Lily how to ride a bike.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hey, America! I didn't see you there. Welcome to another live webcast of "Jay Talking." You know what really gets my goat? Goat cheese. It's on everything. I hate it. The only thing worse than goat cheese is eating it at a communal table with some jerk wearing a hat inside. Have some respect. And pull up your pants! Only crack I want to see is in the Liberty Bell. Greatest country on the damn planet.

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Quote from Jay

[aside to camera:]
Jay: If, six months ago, you'd have told me I'd have a big Internet show, I would have said, "Yeah, that adds up." I used to entertain my staff with jokes and observations. When I retired, I started sharing those gems around the house. Manny went so nuts for it, he set up the whole webcast.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: Sorry, Internet. He's your problem now.
[flashback:]
Jay: Bottom line, you can keep your hashtags, 'cause I like hashbrowns. But, hey that's just "Jay Talking."

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: We are doing this tomorrow. She is getting on this bike.
Mitchell: What's the rush? She's 8 years old.
Cameron: Most Vietnamese kids her age are already riding a bike to work.

Quote from Jay

Manny: You two need each other. It's what drives you.
Earl: The kid is right. Beating you is half the reason I get out of bed. Locking horns. We made each other better than I ever thought we could be.
Jay: Pushed each other to greatness.
Earl: We touched the sky.
Manny: We're talking about closets here, right?
Jay: Oh, I'm sorry, you mean the sanctuary where a man dons his armor in the morning and takes stock of the battle at night?!
Earl: The one thing we all have in common; presidents to postmen, tycoons to teachers, from sea to shining sea!
Manny: This is taking a weird turn.

Quote from Claire

Gloria: [on the phone]Hola, Claire.
Claire: Hey. What's going on?
Gloria: You do a lot of yoga, right?
Claire: Ah, I used to. But all those judgy vegans with their ponytails and their Lululemon, namaste. I'm like, "nama-stay home," you know what I mean? [chuckles]

Quote from Phil

Claire: Who's Angie?
Phil: Oh. Just a woman I m-met inside.
Claire: Really? She gave you her number? And dotted her "I" with a little heart?
Phil: Oh, yeah. She's looking for a house. Sweet old lady.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Don't know why I said that.
[back:]
Phil: Little overweight.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: No idea where that came from.
[back:]
Phil: Thick Irish accent.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: I panicked! I should have told the truth, but Claire knows I have... a type. It was just a little white lie. Ironically.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Wow. 90 minutes just flew by. Hey, guys! The comments are already rolling in! "Keep it up, Jay." "You're saying what we're all thinking." "I miss chop suey, too."
Gloria: I love it, because now everybody gets to see what I live with.
Jay: What the hell? This guy again?
Gloria: Who?
Jay: Some meatball named "LadyKiller52" been dogging me for days. Look what he wrote. "Hey, Grandpa, no one cares what you think."
Gloria: Are you sure that that's not from Haley?
Jay: Here's another one. The same jerk! "It's weird you don't like goat cheese when you've got a goat face." Well, that makes no sense. What kind of goat eats its own cheese?

Quote from Jay

Jay: Here I am, trying to make America laugh and think, and this hockey puck's coming at me with tired insults.
Manny: Okay, I-it's called a troll, Jay. But you can't let him or anything else keep you from directing all of your opinions into that computer.
Jay: You're right, Manny. It's tough being in the public eye. Now I know why Sinatra was always punching guys.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [o.s.] Hey, remind her!
Gloria: [on the phone] Oh! And don't forget today, all-new episode of "Jay Talking." He takes on restaurants that write their menus on blackboards.
Jay: I want to feel a menu in my hands!

Quote from Luke

Luke: [starting video chat]Hey, girl.
Alex: What are you doing?
Luke: Nothing. Just wanted to say hi, talk about stuff.
Alex: What stuff?
Luke: I don't know. I just miss you. We could talk about anything. How about Watergate? Like, what would you say were the three most significant ways it changed American politics? Cite your sources.
Alex: I'm not writing your essay.
Luke: Okay. See you at Easter. [ends call]

Quote from Phil

Phil: What are you up to, buddy?
Luke: Writing a paper on President Nixon. [scoffs] What an idiot. He had it all and just threw it away because of some stupid lie.
Phil: Well, maybe it came out of his mouth before he knew what he was saying.
Luke: Okay, but then he just kept lying over and over and making it worse and worse.
Claire: Phil, how old is Angie?
Phil: Oh, uh, gosh 70. Why?
Claire: I was thinking about that house on Forsyth. It's nice but has a lot of stairs.
Phil: No. She's too fat for that.
Richard Nixon: [recording] Therefore, I shall resign the presidency effective at noon tomorrow.
Luke: If only he had told the truth.
Phil: He was in too deep!

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Okay, why are you doing this? We need Lily to get on this bike.
Mitchell: Why are you pushing this so hard? She's clearly afraid.
Cameron: She's been afraid of a lot of things lately. Last week, she wouldn't even open her closet door because she thought something scary was in there.
Mitchell: Could be the denim jumpsuit your mom made her.
Cameron: This is a pivotal moment. We can't raise a child who won't ride a bike or get on an airplane or eat mayonnaise.
Mitchell: It's a texture thing. How does egg become that?

Quote from Claire

Claire: So, where's Mahatma Handsy?
Gloria: I noticed that you have a lot of these yoga puns. I don't think we need any more.

Quote from Manny

Manny: [aside to camera] "After seeing Manny Delgado mangle the role of Captain Von Trapp, all I can say is "Doe-a-dear Lord, make it stop. I am 16 going on antidepressants. I wanted to climb every mountain and jump off." What teacher allowed this?

Quote from Phil

Phil: What are you guys up to?
Gloria: I have a yoga class. And, apparently, Claire does, too. What are you doing here?
Phil: Oh, just on my way to show more houses to my fat, Irish client, Angie O'Plasty.

Quote from Phil

Claire: I got to go.
Phil: See you black home.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Pretty sure I know why I said that.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Well, C-Cam, yeah, you broke your arm. You got to go to the hospital.
Cameron: No. Not yet. I'll go in, draw myself a bath, pretend to fall and break my arm. In the meantime, go get those painkillers that they gave you when you twisted your ankle.
Mitchell: Oh, I think I threw those away.
Cameron: Did you? Or are they in the nightstand next to your bed because they go good with a glass of wine?

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Oh, no! Looks like you fell and broke your, uh, left arm.
Cameron: No, Mitchell, I fell. I really fell.
Mitchell: Oh, really?
Cameron: Really.
Mitchell: Are you okay?
Cameron: My head hurts. And my arm.
Lily: I'm never taking a bath again!
Mitchell: Oh, great. Too bad you didn't fall off a stripper pole.

Quote from Manny

Manny: "After his performance in 'The Sound of Music, ' Christopher Plummer went on to a distinguished acting career. After Delgado's performance, I expect he'll go on to a distinguished plumbing career."

Quote from Jay

Jay: You're pathetic. I crushed you in the closet game, and I'm crushing it on the Internet. Put that rat down, and I'll crush you on your porch.
Earl: Like that is gonna be any more painful than your stupid rant, "When did restaurants get so loud?"
Jay: I should have known it was you all those typos from your stubby fingers.
Earl: Watch it. I got my mother's hands.
Jay: You also have your mother's mustache.

Quote from Jay

Earl: All right, here's something. What if we do the show together?
Jay: What? No! I'm not gonna let you glom onto my new hit show!
Manny: 43 views.
Earl: We could do like a like a point/counterpoint kind of thing. Like I would say something like, uh "Let's get rid of pennies," and you would say...
Jay: Of course we should get rid of pennies! They're annoying to own and make you feel bad when you throw them out.

Quote from Jay

Earl: All right, what what if I said, "I miss milkmen"?
Jay: Who doesn't miss milkmen? The glass bottle, little bow tie. What am I, an idiot? I don't miss milkmen?
Earl: Okay, well, then you think of something!
Jay: I'm not the one auditioning.
Earl: Okay. Here's something that represents my unique brand of thinking. When I fly, I like luggage fees.
Jay: Me too. Why should us carry-on folk have to foot the bill for those morons who don't know how to pack?!
Earl: Three weeks, I went from Edinburgh to Warsaw on two pairs of pants and a tam-o'-shanter.
Jay: I'm falling asleep.
Earl: I love naps!
Jay: Who doesn't? This is ridiculous!

Quote from Jay

Manny: The irony that, despite you two being mortal enemies, it appears you agree on everything?
Jay: No! It's that this jackass thinks he can actually bring something new to "Jay Talking."
Earl: Come on! We would be magic!
Jay: You already stole one company from me. You're not getting this.
Earl: Okay, fine! I will start my own show. I'll call it "Earls of Wisdom."
Jay: Can't wait. I'll see you in the comments section.
Earl: I'll just turn the comments off.
Jay: You can do that?
Manny: Yeah.
Jay: Then why am I here?!

Quote from Phil

Angie: Phil, why didn't you show me this house? It has everything I want.
Phil: I forgot it was for sale.
Angie: You're the agent.
Phil: Oh. I remember, it's built cheap.
Angie: It looks pretty solid to me.
Phil: Well, it's mostly held up by beehives. Let's go.
Angie: Phil, what is going on?
Phil: Nothing. Just trying to keep you away from all that asbestos.


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