Phil: Well, gotta hit the sack. Big Saturday tomorrow.
Claire: That's right. It's somebody's birthday.
Phil: Not just that. The iPad comes out- on my actual birthday. It's like Steve Jobs and God got together to say, "We love you, Phil."

Manny: B-E-L-I-E-V-E. Believe.
Gloria: Are you sure there's not an "E-I" in the middle?
Manny: No. It's "I-E."
Gloria: Good, papi! If I can't fool you, then your teachers can't fool you either.
Manny: I don't think they're trying to fool me.

Claire: What is so great about that doohickey anyhow?
Phil: "Doohickey," Elly May? It's a movie theater, a library and a music store all rolled into one awesome pad.
Alex: A library is a place where people get books.
Haley: A movie theater is a place where people go on dates.

Claire: Why don't you let me do it?
Phil: Claire, you don't have to do that.
Claire: No, I know, but I want to. And that way on your birthday you'll wake up and you'll have your brand-new toy.
Phil: Okay. Well, in spite of you calling it a toy, this is shaping up to top the best birthday I ever had. [exits]
Haley: Oh, thank God we didn't have to hear that stupid story about that place-
Phil: [returns] It was called the Fun Zone. I was 11. I hit 10 straight fastballs in the batting cage. Then my best friend Jeff Sweeney stepped in and took one in the groin. I yelled out "Ball two!" Everybody laughed. That was when I knew I was funny. Good night.

Jay: A rosewood chess set. As matter of fact, before I wrap this thing, what say we take it for a spin? Come on, Manny. I'll teach you.
Gloria: He knows how to play. His father taught him.
Jay: I'm gonna teach him real chess, not the Colombian version. We actually use the pieces to play the game, not smuggle stuff out of the country.
Gloria: Uh, I know one Colombian piece you won't be playing with later.

Cameron: She's fine. We must have just heard a neighbor with the same monitor.
Mitchell: [holding a rolled up newspaper] Thank God.
Cameron: Boy, if a spider would have broken in here, he would have been in trouble.

Phil: I kinda love that you're making me wait. You are the best wife ever! You are the best wife ever!
Claire: I didn't get you the iPad. I got to the store and they were all out. I'm so sorry.
Phil: I don't understand. My online buddies got it. SAT800 and Brobot didn't get there until 8:00. And you definitely got there before they did, because you got there at 6:30. No, no, no! You didn't get there at 6:30? Where were you?
Claire: I set the alarm for 5:00. I got up, I came downstairs, I fell asleep.
Phil: No! Oh, my goodness. What have I done? What have I done? I should've done this myself.
Claire: Sweetie, you know what?
Phil: They're gonna get more in next week. Next week? That's the worst thing you can say to an early adopter.

Jay: So, were you a big hit?
Mitchell: What do you mean?
Jay: Well, I just assumed there was some kind of costume party. Was Cam the Indian?
Mitchell: No. For your information, Dad, we were actually doing a little construction at the house.
Jay: Ah. What'd you build?
Mitchell: A gift-wrapping station.
Jay: And we're back.

[Luke jumps off a seat while holding Phil's birthday balloons]
Alex: Buddy! Think the problem is, you're not jumping from high enough. You should get on top of the garage.
Claire: Alex, stop trying to kill your brother.

Claire: Listen, guys, I need your help. We've gotta find your dad one of those iPad thingies. So, Haley, text everyone you know. Alex? Facebook, chat, tweet, buzz, bling, I don't know! Just do what you have to do. We have got to find one of these iPads. Okay? Luke? Sweetie, that means stay out of everyone's way and stop inhaling the balloons.
Luke: [squeaky voice] I'm not inhaling them.
Claire: Stop lying.
Luke: [squeaky voice] How did she know?