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43Quotes from ‘Game Changer’

Modern Family: Game Changer

119. Game Changer

Aired March 31, 2010

All Phil wants for his birthday is the new Apple iPad. As Mitchell tries to toughen up, Cameron gets involved in his neighbors' marital problems. Meanwhile, Jay regrets challenging Manny to a game of chess.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Well, gotta hit the sack. Big Saturday tomorrow.
Claire: That's right. It's somebody's birthday.
Phil: Not just that. The iPad comes out- on my actual birthday. It's like Steve Jobs and God got together to say, "We love you, Phil."

Quote from Gloria

Manny: B-E-L-I-E-V-E. Believe.
Gloria: Are you sure there's not an "E-I" in the middle?
Manny: No. It's "I-E."
Gloria: Good, papi! If I can't fool you, then your teachers can't fool you either.
Manny: I don't think they're trying to fool me.

Quote from Haley

Claire: What is so great about that doohickey anyhow?
Phil: "Doohickey," Elly May? It's a movie theater, a library and a music store all rolled into one awesome pad.
Alex: A library is a place where people get books.
Haley: A movie theater is a place where people go on dates.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Why don't you let me do it?
Phil: Claire, you don't have to do that.
Claire: No, I know, but I want to. And that way on your birthday you'll wake up and you'll have your brand-new toy.
Phil: Okay. Well, in spite of you calling it a toy, this is shaping up to top the best birthday I ever had. [exits]
Haley: Oh, thank God we didn't have to hear that stupid story about that place-
Phil: [returns] It was called the Fun Zone. I was 11. I hit 10 straight fastballs in the batting cage. Then my best friend Jeff Sweeney stepped in and took one in the groin. I yelled out "Ball two!" Everybody laughed. That was when I knew I was funny. Good night.

Quote from Jay

Jay: A rosewood chess set. As matter of fact, before I wrap this thing, what say we take it for a spin? Come on, Manny. I'll teach you.
Gloria: He knows how to play. His father taught him.
Jay: I'm gonna teach him real chess, not the Colombian version. We actually use the pieces to play the game, not smuggle stuff out of the country.
Gloria: Uh, I know one Colombian piece you won't be playing with later.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: She's fine. We must have just heard a neighbor with the same monitor.
Mitchell: [holding a rolled up newspaper] Thank God.
Cameron: Boy, if a spider would have broken in here, he would have been in trouble.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I kinda love that you're making me wait. You are the best wife ever! You are the best wife ever!
Claire: I didn't get you the iPad. I got to the store and they were all out. I'm so sorry.
Phil: I don't understand. My online buddies got it. SAT800 and Brobot didn't get there until 8:00. And you definitely got there before they did, because you got there at 6:30. No, no, no! You didn't get there at 6:30? Where were you?
Claire: I set the alarm for 5:00. I got up, I came downstairs, I fell asleep.
Phil: No! Oh, my goodness. What have I done? What have I done? I should've done this myself.
Claire: Sweetie, you know what?
Phil: They're gonna get more in next week. Next week? That's the worst thing you can say to an early adopter.

Quote from Jay

Jay: So, were you a big hit?
Mitchell: What do you mean?
Jay: Well, I just assumed there was some kind of costume party. Was Cam the Indian?
Mitchell: No. For your information, Dad, we were actually doing a little construction at the house.
Jay: Ah. What'd you build?
Mitchell: A gift-wrapping station.
Jay: And we're back.

Quote from Alex

[Luke jumps off a seat while holding Phil's birthday balloons]
Alex: Buddy! Think the problem is, you're not jumping from high enough. You should get on top of the garage.
Claire: Alex, stop trying to kill your brother.

Quote from Luke

Claire: Listen, guys, I need your help. We've gotta find your dad one of those iPad thingies. So, Haley, text everyone you know. Alex? Facebook, chat, tweet, buzz, bling, I don't know! Just do what you have to do. We have got to find one of these iPads. Okay? Luke? Sweetie, that means stay out of everyone's way and stop inhaling the balloons.
Luke: [squeaky voice] I'm not inhaling them.
Claire: Stop lying.
Luke: [squeaky voice] How did she know?

Quote from Jay

Jay: See, the beauty of this is, you don't have to make the first move. You know, chances are your opponent's gonna be overconfident. He's gonna think you don't know anything. Basically, he's being suckered into thinking- Manny. Manny, that little bastard, he hustled me. [noticing Mitchell is unconcious] Oh, crap. Ah, crap. Mitchell! Oh, crap. All right. Come on. Breathe. Attaboy. You all right? Coming around.
Mitchell: [groaning] Why am I on the floor?
Jay: Come on, Mitchell.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Today Sam Riley kicked a soccer ball and it hit another kid so hard his eye popped out.
Phil: Awesome!
Claire: Really? His eye popped out.
Luke: Never mind.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Wait until you see what I got Phil for his birthday. I found it on the SkyMall catalog.
Gloria: Ay. It's not one of those talking alarm clocks? [British accent] "It's 6:05. It's 6:25. Wake up. Wake up."

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] Manny's an excellent player, but Jay is a grumpy loser. He mopes, he makes the face, he slams the door, then he said he didn't slam the door. It's better that he wins.

Quote from Cameron

[Lily cries over the baby monitor]
Mitchell: Um, I got this.
Man on Baby Monitor: Everything's gonna be okay. It's okay. It's okay. [crying continues]
Mitchell: [whispers] Cam!
Cameron: [mutters] Leave me alone.
Mitchell: There's a- There's a man in Lily's room.
Cameron: Huh?
Mitchell: There's a man in Lily's room!
Cameron: [jumps up, grabs a baseball bat] It's go time.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] Light-up barbecue tongs. This was the lame gift I got Phil. So, was I bummed to get up at 5:00 and wait in line? No. No, because I was finally getting my husband something that he really, really wanted. I was every bit as excited as he was.
[Claire falls asleep on the couch]

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hey, buddy. I hope you're not upset about our chess match yesterday. Hey, what do you say we play again?
Manny: I'm good.
Jay: That's the spirit. Downloaded this for you. It's kind of a kid's guide to chess.
Manny: No, Jay. I'm good.
Jay: Nah, it's not all dry like that. They have fun with it. See, you can color in the little players with your crayons.

Quote from Manny

Jay: Now we're lighting a fire. Let me toss this out. If you beat me, if that day should ever come, I'll give you-
Manny: I want your watch.
Jay: Wow, you had that loaded up. Okay. Game on.
Jay: Now, I want you to go first. Now remember, try to open up the middle of the board. I'd have moved that guy two spaces. More aggressive. And you don't want to bring your queen out that quickly. See, now you could've protected that with that, but now you're vulnerable-
Manny: Checkmate.
Jay: Huh? What? How'd you do that?
[Manny holds his wrist out]

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: You will not believe what's going on at Jake and Debbie's house.
Mitchell: Who?
Cameron: The people on the monitor. They must live nearby. So much drama. Okay, Jake told Debbie that he had to work late. So she called his boss and found out that he didn't. Busted! So she spent all morning on the phone crying and crying and crying to her mother and said if Jake has to work "late" one more time, she's filing for divorce.
Mitchell: Huh.
Cameron: That's it? I give you that tasty dish and all you give me is a "Huh"?

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Cam, I froze last night. I froze. I thought Lily was in danger and I froze. But not you. No, you sprung right into action. You even had the cool "It's go time" line.
Cameron: That comes to me naturally. I spent a year as a crossing guard.
Mitchell: Cam, I mean, what kind of parent am I if I can't even protect my own family, you know? J-Just once I would love to be the guy with no fear who can stand up and, I don't know, you know, kick some ass.
Cameron: You're so cute when you're angry with your little fists. Just wanna put you in my pocket.

Quote from Phil

Phil: That feels weird. That burns in a different way! Ow! Oh! Don't wash this until we see if I can get my skin back. Okay?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Let me see it!
Claire: No! Your party's not until tonight. You're just gonna have to wait.
Phil: Just let me see the bag. Did you leave it in the car?
Claire: Yeah!
Phil: Hey, who'd you deal with? Was it a guy named Mehar? They call him "the beast." He's a tiny guy. He must move a ton of product.

Quote from Manny

Mitchell: Hi, Manny.
Manny: Mitchell? What are you doing here at [holding up his wrist with a loosely fitting watch] 4:17 on a Saturday afternoon?
Mitchell: Oh, I'm just returning my dad's belt of tools, so-
Manny: [again] At 4:17 on a Saturday afternoon?
Jay: Don't you have something better to do?

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Hey, uh, Dad, do you remember when I was, uh, probably 11 and you were teaching me how to fight, and then I quit?
Jay: Yeah, when you said everything you needed to learn you'd learn from West Side Story. How'd that work out for you?
Mitchell: If I'm ever in a dance fight, I'll let you know.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Why? What's the matter? You got problems with Cam?
Mitchell: No! Wh-Why would you say that?
Jay: Well, come on. I mean, you know, sharing a room with a guy? I mean, I bunked with my brother. I know that can get pretty rough.
Mitchell: I don't "bunk" with Cam. Dad, I just wanna learn a little self-defense, you know.

Quote from Phil

[Phil is playing in a batting cage:]
Phil: Didn't your mama teach you never to take a ride from a stranger? Got a little vacation time coming up? Have fun on the moon! Not feeling too well lately? Maybe you should come see the doctor and I'll get rid of it!
Kid: What's that supposed to mean?
Woman on P.A.: Attention. If you're here for Phil's birthday party, they're gathering in the picnic area. Phil's birthday party.
Phil: My wife knew I'd be here. She put together a whole party for me.
Kid: Does that really make up for not getting an iPad?
Phil: Don't make me sorry I shared that with you. Okay?

Quote from Cameron

Jake: [over baby monitor] No, that's fine, I'm just putting the baby down.
Cameron: Okay, that's Jake. He's the one that's having an affair. I know.
Jake: Yeah, I can do it tomorrow night. I'll just give my wife some excuse.
Cameron: Men are pigs.
Jake: I don't really have a choice, do I?
Cameron: Yeah. You could not cheat on her! How about that?
Jake: Because it has to be a surprise. When she hears me speaking Italian to her grandmother, it'll be worth all this sneaking around.
Cameron: Lily, I had it backwards. He's wonderful.
Jake: Don't worry. I'll just tell her I'm working late.
Cameron: No, Jake, don't do that. That's the worst thing you could do.
Jake: Buona notte.
Cameron: Oh, no, Lily, what are we gonna do? We have to fix this.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Okay, Mitchell, I'm gonna teach you a couple of basic Brazilian jiu-jitsu moves. Now, just- just attack me.
Mitchell: I'm sorry- What?
Jay: Take any deep-seated anger you may have, get a running start and come at me.
Mitchell: Dad, I don't have any deep-seated anger.
Jay: Remember that Halloween when I wouldn't let you go as Olivia Newton-John?
Mitchell: [yells, charges at Jay]
Jay: You see what I did? I used your momentum against you. I learned this choke from the Gracie brothers. It's called the lion killer- mata leao.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Why tell him to lose to me?
Gloria: Because you're like a baby when you don't win. With the kicking and the eyebrows and the angry eating of the sunflower seeds. [chittering]

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Actually, that's not true. I don't mind losing to a chess genius, which Manny obviously is.
Gloria: Chess genius? He's not even as good as I am.
Jay: You're not that good in chess. I beat you on our honeymoon.
Gloria: Or did I let you win?
Jay: You didn't let me win.
Gloria: Why would I sacrifice my queen for your pawn, Jay? Huh? Huh? ... Huh?
Jay: Stop saying that.

Quote from Luke

Claire: [answering phone] Luke, honey, hi. What's going on?
Luke: They guy came with Dad's cake, but just so you know, it's missing a piece.
Claire: Luke, did you take a bite out of your father's cake?
Luke: No.
Claire: Stop lying, Luke.

Quote from Phil

Little Phil: More cake?
Phil: Why not, Little Phil? I got no place else to go.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Sir! Sir! Sir, hi. Excuse me. Um, yes. I know this is highly unusual, but I need your help to save a marriage. There is a couple in this neighborhood that is about to get a divorce for a simple misunderstanding. Their name is Jake and Debbie. And I know you've taken an oath to not tell people where other people live, and I respect that, but maybe we could work out some sort of super secretive spy signal, where if you scratch your left ear, you know, maybe they live on the left, and if you scratch your right ear, they live on-
Mailman: They live right here.
Cameron: Oh. This conversation never happened.

Quote from Mitchell

Claire: No. Oh, my gosh, no. You can't cut the line. Sorry.
Man: I was here.
Claire: Uh-uh. I-I've been here for an hour and a half and you haven't been, so you cut the line.
Man: Whatever.
Mitchell: Whoa. Excuse me, sir. I don't think you understand. You're not getting in front of us.
Man: Calm down, gingerbread.
Mitchell: Are you gonna move or not?
Man: No.
Claire: Oh, no.
Mitchell: [grabs man in chokehold] Then you leave me no choice.
Claire: Oh, my God.
Mitchell: Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Key to a good birthday? Low expectations. Thought I was getting an iPad. I was wrong about that. Thought I was getting a surprise party at the batting cages. Sorry, Big Phil. [laughs] Guess when it comes right down to it, we're all just Jeff Sweeney taking a fastball to the plums.

Quote from Phil

Alex: Hey, um, Dad, your cake fell off the counter, but Uncle Cam's trying to fix it.
Phil: He won't.
Luke: And the pizzas never showed up.
Phil: And they won't! Hey, balloons.

Quote from Phil

Manny: Is that Claire's baked Brie I smell?
Phil: [laughs] No.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Look at this, papi, huh? [laughing]
Jay: Easy. You can't sing "We Are the Champions" without your queen.
Gloria: Damn it! Listen, I lose and I burn this house down!

Quote from Gloria

Jay: [aside to camera] She had me. There was no way I could win. I knew it. I'm just glad she didn't know it yet.
[separately:]
Gloria: Two moves, and then- [cutting sound] I'm a very good chess player. But I'm a better wife.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Mom.
Claire: Luke, what do you want?
Luke: I went on Dad's computer, contacted some of his geek friends, told them that he was dying and his last wish was an iPad.
Claire: Luke, what have I told you about-
Luke: One of them felt so bad, they brought over an extra.
Claire: Oh, my God. You got it. You beautiful little liar!

Quote from Phil

Claire: Who wants some cake?
Phil: I used to, but I don't desire food any- Oh, my God. You got it! All this time I said I didn't care, but I do care. I care so much!
Claire: Do you want to blow out the candles?
Phil: Yes.
Claire: Go on. Go.
Phil: [blowing] It did not just do that!
Claire: Yes, it did!

Quote from Mitchell

Jake: [over baby monitor] Thank God that guy came over. What did he say his name was?
Debbie: [over baby monitor] He didn't. Must be an angel.
Cameron: Did you hear that? I'm an angel.
Jake: Or some creepy perv.
Debbie: Yeah. How did he know? Eww.
Jake: Maybe I should call the police.
Debbie: You should call the police.
Jake: I'm gonna call the police.
Cameron: And they lived happily ever after.
Mitchell: No, Cam. Where are you going? It was just getting good. I want- That's my program.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [to iPad] I love you.
Claire: I love you too, honey.
Phil: Oh. Okay. [strokes iPad]


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