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‘Treehouse’ Quotes

Modern Family: Treehouse

307. Treehouse

Aired November 2, 2011

After spending time with Shorty and his girlfriend, Gloria is disappointed when Jay doesn't want to go dancing with them. Cameron bets Mitchell that he could get a woman's phone number at a bar. Meanwhile, Phil builds a tree house for Luke and his pals, but ends up being the one who makes a new friend.

Quote from Luke

Phil: No, don't go! I'm doing this for you!
Luke: Are you, dad? Are you?
[aside to camera:]
Phil: The kid made me think with that one. Who was I really doing this for?
[aside to camera:]
Luke: Sometimes I just say, "Are you, dad? Are you?" because he gets real quiet and doesn't notice when I walk away.

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Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] If she were a hot guy, I would never have been that smooth. It's ironic. Like the Gift of the Vagi.

Quote from Jay

Manny: What's up, big guy?
Jay: How hard is it to learn this salsa dancing stuff?
Manny: Not hard at all. It's about tapping into your emotion, your passion, and your inner fire.
Jay: Crap!
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I stink at dancing. First dance at our wedding, Gloria was all graceful and gorgeous, and I was all big and clunky. Like that scene from "Beauty and the Beast." Actually, that was the song. Manny picked it. He didn't like me back then.

Quote from Phil

Luke: Are you sure this is a good idea?
Phil: Are you kidding me? You're gonna have so much fun hanging out up here with your buddies. Trust me, when you get older, it all changes.
Luke: Why?
Phil: Well, life gets in the way. Did I just say "wife gets in the way"? 'Cause sometimes I do that.
Luke: Nope, you're good.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Mitchell, remember the girl I met last night?
Mitchell: How can I forget her? She's super famous for having the world's worst gay-dar.
Cameron: How could I be so cavalier with her emotions? You know, we had a real connection. She gave me her number, and right now she's probably sitting by the phone waiting for me to call.
Mitchell: Uh-huh.
Cameron: I don't think you understand how charmed she was by me.
Mitchell: Oh, my God. Where did you get all this self-confidence?
Cameron: I won cutest baby at the 1974 Jasper county fair. People at the time said I could go Gerber.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Well, I just couldn't do it on the phone. She seemed so excited to hear from me, and I'm very bad at disappointing people, Mitchell.
Mitchell: Not all people.
Cameron: Mama was right when she said my charm was like a wild stallion. If not properly bridled, it'll bust down a barn.
Mitchell: Okay, you wanna get rid of your girlfriend? Tell her that story.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: How's it going? Hello.
Cameron: This is Katie, and, uh, it turns out, well-
Katie: No, actually. It doesn't turn out well. Because I thought I finally met a nice, funny guy, who is also hot! And now he's telling me he's gay?! He's, like, the least gay person I have ever met in my entire life! And I thought he was the one! And I even told my mom about him! You better cherish him! [kisses Cameron]
Mitchell: Hello. Wow.
Katie: Are you sure you're gay?
Cameron: No.
Mitchell: Cam.
Cameron: Yes. Look, you're gonna find somebody, because you're an amazing girl, Katie. You're the whole package. I just prefer somebody who has one.

Quote from Mitchell

[aside to camera:]
Jay: I'm dead set against drugs. "Just Say No!" and all that stuff. But I thought, just this once for Gloria. And if I was gonna make a complete ass of myself, I didn't wanna remember it.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: The big drug I gave him: baby aspirin. Orange-flavored. He could have chewed it.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Hey, mom. I'm trying to write a stupid college essay question and I really don't even know where to start.
Claire: OK, what's the question? Tell me.
Haley: "What's the biggest obstacle you ever had to overcome?" Didn't my 3rd Grade teacher said I had like ADD or something?
Claire: Oh, no honey. She said you couldn't A-D-D. She put it that way because she also knew you couldn't S-P-E-L-L.
Haley: Wait, slow down. Oh!

Quote from Phil

Claire: I don't remember agreeing to this, Phil. This is like the time you backed down the driveway with a hang glider sticking out of the car.
Phil: If you'd let me keep that, those geese would have followed me to the wetlands.
Gloria: You would have died.
Phil: A hero.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Did you hear that? Waitress is flirting with me.
Mitchell: No, no. She's not flirting with you. She's- She's trolling for tips, okay? She totally knows you're gay.
Cameron: How would she know I'm gay?
Mitchell: Uh, maybe it's the way you ordered a drink-a-doodle-doo.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Cam has this crazy theory that if he were straight And Julia Roberts were single, they'd be dating.
Cameron: It's not crazy. I met her once at an A.I.D.S. walk, and our chemistry was palpable.
Mitchell: No, you handed her a bottle of water.
Cameron: And her fingers lingered.
Mitchell: Because you wouldn't let go.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: I could totally pick up any woman in here.
Crispin: If by that, you mean lift her off the ground, then yes, I'll give you that.
Cameron: I for sure could be a womanizer.
Mitchell: Or you could be someone who just stepped out of a machine called the womanizer.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I'm telling you, you are gonna love this bad boy. You know what can't climb trees?
Luke: Raccoons?
Phil: Worries. Raccoons can and will get up here, so don't leave any food, or they'll get territorial and attack.

Quote from Haley

Haley: What difference does it make? I've lived a boring, sheltered, pathetic life.
Claire: I am sorry we have made things too easy and comfortable for you.
Haley: Oh, you should be! It is all your fault! You have shielded me from everything interesting and dangerous!
Claire: You are blaming me because I kept you from getting hurt?
Haley: Gaby's mom's a hoarder. That essay practically writes itself.

Quote from Manny

Jay: Hey, you wanna go out and grab some dinner before the fight tonight?
Gloria: No, thank you.
Jay: Wanna eat at home? I'll grill some steaks, open a bottle of wine.
Gloria: Whatever you want, because I'm not going to be here.
Manny: She's going salsa dancing without me.
Gloria: Ay, Manny, I told you, it's a 21 and over club.
Manny: A forbidden dance floor. Only makes me want it more.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Wait a second. You're going dancing with Shorty and Darlene?
Gloria: Yes, because even though he's old like you, he still likes to have fun.
Jay: We like to have fun. Last week I took you to dinner, went to the boat show, got some sherbet?
Gloria: And we were home by 8:30 with no boat.
Jay: What do you want from me? I don't like dancing.
Gloria: I don't like sherbet.
Jay: Yeah, right. How about coconut?
Gloria: Who doesn't like the coconut, hmm? Who?

Quote from Manny

Manny: Back straight. Okay. Do as I do. Other leg. Okay, stop marching. You're dancing, not invading Poland.

Quote from Luke

Phil: Oh! Son of a Brisket! Why does that keep happening? Maybe I need a nail gun.
Luke: Okay, that's it! I'm out!
Phil: What do you mean, you're out? Where are you going?
Luke: Dad, no offense, but I've seen you with a glue gun. I think a nail is gonna be harder to get out of my hair.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Katie, you're an amazing woman. You're smart, you're beautiful, and how fun is that handbag? This is gonna come as a little bit of a shock. I'm fairly gay. I don't know why I said that. I'm- I'm totally gay. Just gay.
Katie: You're telling me you're gay?
Cameron: Yeah.
Katie: Why?
Cameron: I was born that way. I mean, you know, it's just-
Katie: No, why are you telling me? I mean, I know you're gay. It's obvious.
Cameron: Well, it's not that- It's not that obvious.
Katie: Well, yeah. The way you talk and walk and dress and your theatrical hand gestures.
Cameron: I do not have theatrical hand gestures. Okay, maybe I am moderately expressive. But why would you give me your number?
Katie: Oh, because I want a gay friend. Someone I can dish with, give me guy advice, and I can shop with.
Cameron: Those are totally offensive stereotypes.
Katie: We could go see Julia Roberts movies together.
Cameron: I know her, and she's as nice as she seems on screen.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] So I guess I was wrong when I said once you get older, it's harder to make new friends. Andre, it turns out, is an orthopedic surgeon, handy with tools, and a great guy to hang out with. Plus he's a badass black man that gives me extra street cred. That's his joke. He's my brotha from a different motha.
Andre: What was that?
Phil: Different-
Andre: That's not it.
Phil: What is it?
Andre: It's "brother from another mother."
Phil: Brotha from anotha motha-.
Andre: Slow down. Slow it down.
Phil: Brotha from another motha.
Andre: Forget it. Don't- Just don't say it. Forget it.


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