Phil: No, don't go! I'm doing this for you!
Luke: Are you, dad? Are you?
[aside to camera:]
Phil: The kid made me think with that one. Who was I really doing this for?
[aside to camera:]
Luke: Sometimes I just say, "Are you, dad? Are you?" because he gets real quiet and doesn't notice when I walk away.

Manny: What's up, big guy?
Jay: How hard is it to learn this salsa dancing stuff?
Manny: Not hard at all. It's about tapping into your emotion, your passion, and your inner fire.
Jay: Crap!
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I stink at dancing. First dance at our wedding, Gloria was all graceful and gorgeous, and I was all big and clunky. Like that scene from "Beauty and the Beast." Actually, that was the song. Manny picked it. He didn't like me back then.

Cameron: [aside to camera] If she were a hot guy, I would never have been that smooth. It's ironic. Like the Gift of the Vagi.

Luke: Are you sure this is a good idea?
Phil: Are you kidding me? You're gonna have so much fun hanging out up here with your buddies. Trust me, when you get older, it all changes.
Luke: Why?
Phil: Well, life gets in the way. Did I just say "wife gets in the way"? 'Cause sometimes I do that.
Luke: Nope, you're good.

Cameron: Mitchell, remember the girl I met last night?
Mitchell: How can I forget her? She's super famous for having the world's worst gay-dar.
Cameron: How could I be so cavalier with her emotions? You know, we had a real connection. She gave me her number, and right now she's probably sitting by the phone waiting for me to call.
Mitchell: Uh-huh.
Cameron: I don't think you understand how charmed she was by me.
Mitchell: Oh, my God. Where did you get all this self-confidence?
Cameron: I won cutest baby at the 1974 Jasper county fair. People at the time said I could go Gerber.

Cameron: Well, I just couldn't do it on the phone. She seemed so excited to hear from me, and I'm very bad at disappointing people, Mitchell.
Mitchell: Not all people.
Cameron: Mama was right when she said my charm was like a wild stallion. If not properly bridled, it'll bust down a barn.
Mitchell: Okay, you wanna get rid of your girlfriend? Tell her that story.

Mitchell: How's it going? Hello.
Cameron: This is Katie, and, uh, it turns out, well-
Katie: No, actually. It doesn't turn out well. Because I thought I finally met a nice, funny guy, who is also hot! And now he's telling me he's gay?! He's, like, the least gay person I have ever met in my entire life! And I thought he was the one! And I even told my mom about him! You better cherish him! [kisses Cameron]
Mitchell: Hello. Wow.
Katie: Are you sure you're gay?
Cameron: No.
Mitchell: Cam.
Cameron: Yes. Look, you're gonna find somebody, because you're an amazing girl, Katie. You're the whole package. I just prefer somebody who has one.

[aside to camera:]
Jay: I'm dead set against drugs. "Just Say No!" and all that stuff. But I thought, just this once for Gloria. And if I was gonna make a complete ass of myself, I didn't wanna remember it.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: The big drug I gave him: baby aspirin. Orange-flavored. He could have chewed it.

Haley: Hey, mom. I'm trying to write a stupid college essay question and I really don't even know where to start.
Claire: OK, what's the question? Tell me.
Haley: "What's the biggest obstacle you ever had to overcome?" Didn't my 3rd Grade teacher said I had like ADD or something?
Claire: Oh, no honey. She said you couldn't A-D-D. She put it that way because she also knew you couldn't S-P-E-L-L.
Haley: Wait, slow down. Oh!

Claire: I don't remember agreeing to this, Phil. This is like the time you backed down the driveway with a hang glider sticking out of the car.
Phil: If you'd let me keep that, those geese would have followed me to the wetlands.
Gloria: You would have died.
Phil: A hero.