Jay: And here we have a phone in the shape of a mouth.
Gloria: Ah, you're welcome. Very sexy.
Jay: Wait a minute. Don't tell me. Let me work this out. I mentioned a few times I was thinking of taking up the saxophone. You give me this. I got it. Is this a "sexy phone"?
Gloria: Happy birthday!

Jay: [answering phone] Hello.
Sandra: Hi. It's Sandra from the dog groomer. I'm trying to reach Gloria. Stella's ready.
Jay: Oh, I must have her phone. She probably grabbed mine again. Listen. This is her husband. You have my number right there probably. Give that a call.
Sandra: Oh, okay. Thanks.
Jay: [answering phone] Yeah, it's me again. I'll be right there. Yeah, I did blame her for no reason. You have a little bit of an attitude, you know that? You know who did your job in my day? A hose.

Manny: [on the phone] Help me. Tell me what to say.
Cameron: Okay, how about this? You are the prettiest, smartest, funniest girl in the sixth grade. I know you're only 11, but I can't stop thinking about you. I've loved talking to you online. I think we should become boyfriend and girlfriend. [to the people in the bakery] Oh, no, it's not what you think. I'm talking to a little boy. Oh.

Jay: [answering phone] Hello. Manny. Where are you? What are you doing out there? What the hell?
Manny: I dragged it back here this afternoon. I know it's not the lake. But maybe we could pop open a few drinks and hang out on the water.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Now, the old Jay would have said "I wanted to be on a lake with a fishing rod and sunshine not bobbing around at night in a swimming pool." I miss the old Jay.
[back:]
Manny: This is the life, huh?
Jay: It ain't half bad.

Luke: Hey, Mom. Listen to this card Dad got for Grandpa Jay.
Phil: "Hip-hip-hip hooray. Save the extra hip. You'll need it someday."
Luke: [laughs] 'Cause he's old.
Claire: Mmm. You're not giving him that.
Phil: Even if he drinks his other gift first?
Claire: Nope.

Gloria: So, that's really going to be your day? You're going fishing?
Jay: With time out for a gourmet lunch. Sausage of the Month Club really nailed it in May. But, honey, no offense. They almost lost me last month with that chorizo.
Gloria: Why no offense? It's a sausage. It's not on our flag.

Manny: Her name's Tara. We have great chats online. She's really smart and funny, but she's on a softball team.
Cameron: Well, nobody's perfect. Hey, you know what? Why don't we go outside and toss the ball around.
Manny: Okay.
Cameron: Wow. And you know what? I wouldn't worry too much. She's gonna like you even if sports aren't your thing.
Manny: Aren't my thing? I have a tennis racket upstairs I only use as a bubble bath frother.

Phil: [aside to camera] I didn't think anything of it until other people started making the same mistake. It reminded me of a college job I had parking cars. One day I had to park an Aston Martin. I'll never forget the looks I got driving that baby down the block. And I wasn't gonna dent this one.

Manny: [on the phone] I'm trying to get up the nerve to tell her how I feel.
Cameron: Well, just be honest.
Manny: She intimidates me. Every time I open my mouth, I say something stupid. I called her bedroom "fantazing." That's not even a word.
Tara: [o.s.] Are you okay in there, Manny?
Manny: Yeah. I'm just water washing my hands!

Alex: I could've sworn we had more.
Luke: Well, let me work my magic. It's all about creative editing. Just give me two hours and another hour. Someone get me some chocolate milk with extra salt.