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43Quotes from ‘The One That Got Away’

Modern Family: The One That Got Away

224. The One That Got Away

Aired May 25, 2011

As the family works to plan a big birthday party for Jay, all he wants to do is spend a quiet day fishing. Meanwhile, Claire and Mitchell end up trapped in their childhood yard, Phil runs into his college nemesis while shopping with Gloria, and a misunderstanding lands Cameron in trouble at a bakery.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: And here we have a phone in the shape of a mouth.
Gloria: Ah, you're welcome. Very sexy.
Jay: Wait a minute. Don't tell me. Let me work this out. I mentioned a few times I was thinking of taking up the saxophone. You give me this. I got it. Is this a "sexy phone"?
Gloria: Happy birthday!

Quote from Jay

Jay: [answering phone] Hello.
Sandra: Hi. It's Sandra from the dog groomer. I'm trying to reach Gloria. Stella's ready.
Jay: Oh, I must have her phone. She probably grabbed mine again. Listen. This is her husband. You have my number right there probably. Give that a call.
Sandra: Oh, okay. Thanks.
Jay: [answering phone] Yeah, it's me again. I'll be right there. Yeah, I did blame her for no reason. You have a little bit of an attitude, you know that? You know who did your job in my day? A hose.

Quote from Cameron

Manny: [on the phone] Help me. Tell me what to say.
Cameron: Okay, how about this? You are the prettiest, smartest, funniest girl in the sixth grade. I know you're only 11, but I can't stop thinking about you. I've loved talking to you online. I think we should become boyfriend and girlfriend. [to the people in the bakery] Oh, no, it's not what you think. I'm talking to a little boy. Oh.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [answering phone] Hello. Manny. Where are you? What are you doing out there? What the hell?
Manny: I dragged it back here this afternoon. I know it's not the lake. But maybe we could pop open a few drinks and hang out on the water.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Now, the old Jay would have said "I wanted to be on a lake with a fishing rod and sunshine not bobbing around at night in a swimming pool." I miss the old Jay.
[back:]
Manny: This is the life, huh?
Jay: It ain't half bad.

Quote from Phil

Luke: Hey, Mom. Listen to this card Dad got for Grandpa Jay.
Phil: "Hip-hip-hip hooray. Save the extra hip. You'll need it someday."
Luke: [laughs] 'Cause he's old.
Claire: Mmm. You're not giving him that.
Phil: Even if he drinks his other gift first?
Claire: Nope.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: So, that's really going to be your day? You're going fishing?
Jay: With time out for a gourmet lunch. Sausage of the Month Club really nailed it in May. But, honey, no offense. They almost lost me last month with that chorizo.
Gloria: Why no offense? It's a sausage. It's not on our flag.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Her name's Tara. We have great chats online. She's really smart and funny, but she's on a softball team.
Cameron: Well, nobody's perfect. Hey, you know what? Why don't we go outside and toss the ball around.
Manny: Okay.
Cameron: Wow. And you know what? I wouldn't worry too much. She's gonna like you even if sports aren't your thing.
Manny: Aren't my thing? I have a tennis racket upstairs I only use as a bubble bath frother.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I didn't think anything of it until other people started making the same mistake. It reminded me of a college job I had parking cars. One day I had to park an Aston Martin. I'll never forget the looks I got driving that baby down the block. And I wasn't gonna dent this one.

Quote from Manny

Manny: [on the phone] I'm trying to get up the nerve to tell her how I feel.
Cameron: Well, just be honest.
Manny: She intimidates me. Every time I open my mouth, I say something stupid. I called her bedroom "fantazing." That's not even a word.
Tara: [o.s.] Are you okay in there, Manny?
Manny: Yeah. I'm just water washing my hands!

Quote from Luke

Alex: I could've sworn we had more.
Luke: Well, let me work my magic. It's all about creative editing. Just give me two hours and another hour. Someone get me some chocolate milk with extra salt.

Quote from Mitchell

Jay: What the hell were you thinking? I'll answer that for you. You weren't thinking. You think that's funny, Popeye?
Mitchell: No.
Claire: Popeye.
Jay: I should be fishing, but I'm hauling my ass across town trying to save you two from a little dog.
Mitchell: At least we got to have a dog for a few minutes.
Jay: Here we go. You could show a little gratitude, you know. These pants are new. Climbing over that fence, I might have wrecked 'em. [Claire and Mitchell snicker] That's mature.
Mitchell: I'm sorry. We're sorry.
Claire: We're sorry.
Mitchell: Sorry you said "rectum."

Quote from Jay

Claire: I'm sorry, Dad, and we're so glad that you came-
Mitchell: Thank you.
Claire: And got us. That was very smart the way that you distracted the dog.
Jay: Twelve times a year I get sausages. That's it. What the hell am I gonna do till June?

Quote from Gloria

Mitchell: We just need some candles.
Gloria: I-I must have in one of the drawers. Okay. Okay. Froot Loop necklace. Baby Jesus. Keys. Ay, I was looking for these keys. Baby Jesus. BB gun. More baby Jesus. Ay, another baby- Jesus, Stella, don't do that!

Quote from Manny

Cameron: Hey, Manny, I almost called you. How did it go with Tara?
Manny: Okay, I guess. I used every line you gave me and she totally ate it up.
Cameron: Well, then why just okay?
Manny: She wants to go on a date now, to the batting cage.
Cameron: Oh. Not so good with a bat?
Manny: I am, as long as I'm using it to roll out dough.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: So how was your day with Claire?
Mitchell: You know, actually, it was really great. I don't always think about it, but I was really lucky to have her to grow up with. I cannot imagine dealing with my crazy parents alone.
Cameron: Yeah.
Mitchell: Cam?
Cameron: Hmm?
Mitchell: I- I wanna have another baby.
Cameron: What would you think about a boy this time?

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I think I came up with a better idea.
Claire: Okay. My dad has a picture of me and Mitchell when we were kids standing in our old backyard. We're gonna re-create the picture.
Phil: I did the same thing last year for my parents for Christmas and it went over like gangbusters.

Quote from Mitchell

Claire: Come on, girls. TV off. It's your grandfather's birthday. We gotta start taking this seriously.
Mitchell: [entering] Permission to come aboard.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] My best birthday memory: I'm a teenager and for some reason I drag this boat out on the lake and for hours, I'm just lying there, fishing alone with my thoughts. Fantastic. That's all I want this year.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: She loves you so much. Just this morning she was looking at a picture of you and I swear she was trying to say your name.
Gloria: Really?
[aside to camera: Cameron shakes his head]

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Why? What's up, pal?
Manny: I'm going over to a friend's house where I may have to use this thing. I only used it once, and that was to take a torte out of the oven.
Cameron: Okay, well, first, let's loosen this thing up. So what's her name?
Manny: How'd you know?
Cameron: Well, you're pretending to be something you're not. Boys do that for girls. Or really dreamy boys.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Glen Whipple my college rival. Captain of the cheer squad, winner of every robot battle. Every second I spent with the guy just made me feel worse about myself. The only thing I could compete with him in was close-up magic.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: I still can't believe all the looks we got driving over here.
Claire: And yet you wore the hat the whole time.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Okay, that-that's trespassing.
Claire: No, it's not. We used to live here.
Mitchell: I don't think that does what you think it does.

Quote from Mitchell

Claire: Oh, God. Now what do we do?
Mitchell: Well, you could try telling him we used to live here.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: They're never coming home. We need to call someone.
Claire: Use your phone. Mine's down there getting rabies on it.
Mitchell: No, I left mine in your car.
Claire: What?
Mitchell: Well, I didn't wanna ruin the line in my pants.

Quote from Claire

Mitchell: [yelling] Stop! That's ours! We're up here! Stop! [to Claire] He ignored me.
Claire: He didn't stop for the screaming sailor in a tree? Give me your shoe.
Mitchell: You think that wolf down there's gonna be afraid of a shoe?
Claire: No. No, I don't.
Mitchell: Wha- What are you doing with dad's wine?
Claire: Getting comfortable.
Mitchell: Eesh.
Claire: We could be up here for a really long time.
Mitchell: Whoa. Where did you learn how to do that?
Claire: Where did you get a sailor's suit on short notice?
Mitchell: Fair enough.

Quote from Manny

Cameron: [answering phone] Hello. Manny! Hey, how did it go with Tara?
Manny: It's still going on. The catch part went fine, mostly. I took a running dive into the dirt.
Cameron: Oh, well, did you at least catch the ball?
Manny: I was trying to throw the ball. I'm in her bathroom looking for Band-Aids.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [answering phone] Hello. She's not with me, Cam. I got her phone. Why are you crying? How do you get kicked out of a bakery? Well, that'll do it.

Quote from Jay

Cameron: [on the phone] I'm sorry to ask you to get your own birthday cake but I can't get ahold of any-anyone else.
Jay: Can't do it. I'm on my way to the lake, finally. Just get something at the grocery store.
Cameron: I am not getting you a grocery-store cake. Gloria asked me to handle this. She's gonna yell at me, Jay. She can be mean in Spanish.
Jay: Okay, fine. [to Stella] Let's wrap this up, Princess.
Cameron: Okay. Love you. Bye.

Quote from Mitchell

Claire: Do you remember the time you quit Cub Scouts and Dad got mad at you so you ran away up here?
Mitchell: Right. And you brought me my dinner up here and my comic books.
Claire: Yep. I think Mom and Dad would have been a lot more scared if you hadn't been running into the house to use the bathroom.
Mitchell: I can't go outside. Great. Now I'm thinking about it.

Quote from Mitchell

Claire: It's ironic. We always wanted a dog in this backyard and we could never have one.
Mitchell: Ye-Yeah. Manny got one.
Claire: Hmm. Manny gets everything.
Mitchell: Yeah. Hey, do you think Manny's gonna get a third of-
Claire: A third of what?
Mitchell: You know.
Claire: Oh. Uh, I guess. Sure. I mean, that seems fair, right?
Mitchell: Does it? Claire, does it?
Claire: Okay, we've probably had enough of this.

Quote from Phil

Glen Whipple: Oh, don't think about it. Just get it.
Phil: Hilarious, Whipple. I'm actually here with someone.
Glen Whipple: Then you finally did make something disappear.
Phil: She was here a second ago.
Glen Whipple: Of course she was. Just like that date you had on the final night dance of Junior Tumbling Congress.
Phil: There was traffic.

Quote from Phil

Gloria: I think I found something that is going to make my husband very happy. What do you think?
Phil: Oh, very happy, Gloria. Oh! Very happy.
Gloria: Okay, but don't go far away because I might need help with the zipper, okay?
Phil: Sounds good, with the zipper.
Glen Whipple: Wow. Phil. I mean, wow. That's your wife?
Phil: It would appear so. Great to see you, Glen.

Quote from Phil

Glen Whipple: I just always assumed you would marry Claire Pritchett.
Phil: You remember Claire?
Glen Whipple: Are you kidding? She was gorgeous. God, I was so jealous of you back then.
Phil: You were jealous of me?
Glen Whipple: Oh, man. Claire Pritchett, with the blonde hair and those brown eyes. Great smile. Oh, I can picture her smiling right now.
Phil: I can't.
Glen Whipple: I wonder who landed her. Lucky son of a bitch.
Phil: Yeah.
Gloria: Phil, I need you!
Phil: What now? Oh, uh, I'm sorry. I'll be there in a second. [turns around and Glen Whipple is gone] No! How?

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: No, Jay! Don't come in here. You cannot see the cake. It's the bad luck.
Jay: I already saw the cake. I bought it while I was busy not fishing.
Gloria: No. Go to the bar. Go.
Jay: You never used to talk to me like that before we got that damn dog.

Quote from Manny

Cameron: I'll bet you just need a little practice. You know, when I was your age, I couldn't hit a balloon with a bat and my father took me out to the field and a couple of hours later, I was knocking the hide off that ball. It's one of the best days we ever had together.
Manny: Really?
Cameron: Yeah. I just bet you need some time in a batting cage. What are you doing this weekend? That'd be fun, huh?
Manny: That's a great idea. I'll ask Jay. He loves stuff like this.
Cameron: Oh. That'll be great for you guys.
Manny: Yeah. And thanks for your help today, Cam.

Quote from Jay

Luke: I don't think Grandpa's having the best time. He keeps going and getting more drinks.
Haley: Well, not every time. One time he went in to check on the women's basketball score.
Jay: The Sparks are up by eight if anybody cares.

Quote from Jay

Jay: You know what? I'm acting like a jerk. What am I, 12?
Luke: Hey.
Jay: So I didn't get to go fishing. Am I gonna pout about it? I still have my family, and you guys made such a big fuss. I love you all. So let's go get some cake and presents.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Let's go, Jay. I bring your sexy phone.
Jay: Ah, you don't forget that.

Quote from Jay

Jay: You know what? Great party. Thank you all for coming. And I hope you forgive me. I'm gonna go upstairs, curl up with a Ludlum and call it a day.

Quote from Phil

Phil: All right, easy. Easy.
Gloria: No, no, no. You're rocking the boat!
Phil: I got Claire! I got Claire!

Quote from Luke

Claire: Okay, everybody, upstairs. And, Luke, I want you to get in a hot bath right away.
Luke: I'm still shivering.
Alex: That's why you don't stand up in a boat.
Luke: I was king of the world.
Haley: Now you're dork of the night.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Honey, have I told you how lucky I am?
Claire: You mean since dinner?
Phil: I can't help it. Your beautiful eyes, your silky hair. Promise me you'll never change. [pulls coin out from behind Claire's ear]
Claire: I have to admit, that's kind of hot. Maybe I will go change.
Phil: Mmm. Mmm. I still got it. [trips] Knock it off.


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