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47Quotes from ‘A Hard Jay's Night’

Modern Family: A Hard Jay's Night

519. A Hard Jay's Night

Aired April 2, 2014

Mitchell tries to put on a brave face when Cameron takes receipt of an unflattering wedding topper that his father whittled out of soap for them. Phil and Gloria spend the day at her old neighborhood salon as he tries to sell her old apartment. Meanwhile, Claire knows better than to expect a thank you from Jay for filling in for him at work.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Oh, my gosh, it's us. For our wedding cake. Couldn't you just die?
Mitchell: I really think I could.
Cameron: My dad made this. He's a world-class soap carver. You know, once, when I was a kid, I cussed, and my mom washed my mouth out with the leaning Tower of Pisa. She still blames herself to this day.

Quote from Luke

Manny: You want to talk?
Luke: You're the dorky sidekick, not me.
Manny: Want to talk nicer?
Luke: How could you be invited and I wasn't?
Manny: I don't know. It's like the stuff that used to make me kind of weird, people are starting to like.
Luke: So? I'm the same as I always was.
Manny: Well maybe you could upgrade a little. Uh, we're tired of the Yoda voice, and if a girl tells you she went to London, maybe don't ask if she also saw France.
Luke: I liked things better when you were the one who was ostrich-sized.
Manny: What?
Luke: You know, like a freaky outsider. The way an ostrich feels around regular birds.
Manny: You know what else girls like? The mysterious, silent type.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Hey! We got a package from my dad.
Mitchell: No air holes in the box. That's a good sign.
Cameron: Lily loved having that chicken.
Mitchell: One more time than she realized.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Mitchell! It's gone!
Mitchell: What is?
Cameron: The cake topper. Lily, have you seen the little daddies you were bathing with earlier?
Mitchell: Ew. Don't say that.

Quote from Luke

Kristy: Manny! You made it! Who's this?
[aside to camera:]
Luke: "Who's this?" Excuse me, Kristy Huge Ones, I have a name.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Found it!
Mitchell: Yay! Oh! Good.
Cameron: Thank God. I hadn't even told you my biggest plan for this yet.
Mitchell: Bigger than the top of our wedding cake?
Cameron: I'm gonna have a mold made of it and give a reproduction to everyone who comes to the wedding and everyone who can't come to the wedding. Imagine hundreds of these across the country.
Mitchell: No! No! No! Absolutely not! I hate it! It's awful!
Cameron: I knew it! I knew it! It just shows up in Lily's bath, and then, all of a sudden, the dog has it? You have it in for this beautiful topper.
Mitchell: Look at this. Look at it. Look at it! Come on, you're all heroic and Paul Bunyan-y, and I'm- I'm, like, some sissy man with- with pinkish cheeks and a turned-out heel.
Cameron: It's a caricature. What matters is what it represents. My daddy making this for us means he's accepted us for who we are! Don't you get that?
Mitchell: I never really thought about it that way.
Cameron: No. You hadn't.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I don't want something at the wedding that makes you uncomfortable.
Mitchell: Well, no, that doesn't seem fair. I've used up all my vetoes.
Cameron: Well, if it- I guess, if it makes you feel better, I could give you one more veto, if you give me one more, too.
Mitchell: Okay, sure. And in the future, if there's anything-
Cameron: The wedding singer.
[aside: Cameron gives a wry smile to camera]
[flashback:]
Cameron: Okay. Thanks, daddy. I'll send you the perfect picture to model it on.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: I'm sorry I'm so emotional. It's just the nicest thing ever.
Mitchell: You don't think that I look just a little bit-
Cameron: I mean, my dad carved through his arthritis!
Mitchell: Maybe it's the kicky leg.
Cameron: I mean, the hours his ruined hands put into this. He found us in soap. Today, Mitchell, I know love.
Mitchell: I no love, either.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I'm helping Gloria sell the old apartment that she and Manny lived in before she met Jay. It's in an up-and-coming neighborhood with a distinct multicultural bent that's undergoing an exciting urban renewal. That's a fancy way of saying "The gays found it."

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: I can't believe that I lived here for five years. Even turning the lights on was a pain. Look at this. [hits wall twice]
Mrs. Rivera: [o.s.] Keep it down, you bitch!
Gloria: Ay. Mrs. Rivera's still alive.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: I'm not selling to him.
Phil: What? Really? He's a quality buyer. You're tired of finding renters.
Gloria: This is a family building. Generations have lived there, and usually at the same time. He just wants to flip it.
Phil: Okay. I got a backup I can probably get here in an hour. You want to wait in there?
Gloria: You walk in that door, you never come out.
Phil: No, no, not the bar. The coffee shop.
Gloria: Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. But we can wait next door. That's my old hair salon where I used to work. You can get drinks there, too.

Quote from Phil

Gloria: Ay, Rita, no. Phil is a friend of mine, and we're just killing time before an appointment.
Rita: I hate to ask, Gloria, but my new girl hasn't shown up. Any chance you could help?
Gloria: Ay, of course! It will be so much fun! Oh! I don't want to ruin my nails. Phil, would you do my shampooing?
Phil: Well, I-I guess so. We've got the time. Just a warning, I haven't shampooed professionally since college, and that was only part-time to pay for my cheer gear. Wow. That was super-braggy. What do we got, double sinks? What's the nozzle sitch?

Quote from Manny

Manny: No, we're going back inside, we're eating Jay's food, and we're playing his board games.
Luke: More like boring games.
Manny: They're already called "board." You don't make it more clever by- Never mind.

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: Hey, guys. Sorry we're late, but we come with wine.
Cameron: And whittlin'!
Claire: Oh!
Cameron: Check it out. This is a beautiful gift my father made for the top of our wedding cake.
Lily: I guess he ran out of soap before he got to me.

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: This is my worst nightmare.
Jay: You shouldn't have blown through those vetoes.
Mitchell: This is how Cam's dad sees me, like some fawning damsel.
Jay: If anything, Cam's the damsel.
Mitchell: Dad! Thank you.
Jay: A lot can happen before the big day.
Mitchell: Believe me, I've already tried. That thing is indestructible.
Jay: What if it went missing? Things disappear around here all the time.
Mitchell: Do they?
Jay: All the time. Let's just say I have a friend who helps me in these kinds of situations.
Mitchell: I'm listening.
Jay: The less you know, the better.
Mitchell: I'm not listening.
Jay: We never had this conversation. This is a non-versation.
Mitchell: Right. I am giving you the no-ahead. [Jay's gone]

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Oh, I miss you girls. Nobody in my white family thinks that I am funny.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Honey, Hector had a life before he met you.
Luisa: So I have to eat dinner with his ex?
Phil: Well, you certainly don't want him going alone. Not with his history. Hey. Who are you really mad at?
Luisa: Ay, I don't know.
Phil: Come on, Luisa.
Luisa: Raul! Hector's going to hurt me just like Raul did!
Phil: There it is. But Hector isn't Raul, okay? They're just cousins.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Something's not right.
Anna: What? What happened?
Phil: No, no, no, not with you. You look great. You know who's gonna hate this, is a certain jealous sister. Cinco de my, oh, my.

Quote from Manny

Haley: How am I supposed to do this with so many I's on my rack?
Manny: Oh! Sorry.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Where's Luke? How long does it take him to get the dictionary? We described it for him perfectly.
Manny: Wait a minute. He's not coming back.
Alex: Ugh. Move your S.
Manny: I-I'm going as fast as I can.

Quote from Mitchell

Lily: I saw Stella playing with it.
Cameron: What?
Jay: Oh, look at her. She's all muddy. She must have brought it outside and buried it. She does it all the time!
Cameron: Oh, no. We have to go find it.
Jay: Good luck. That thing's as good as gone.
Mitchell: Dang it! Oh! And the worst part is, we don't even have a picture of it. Do we?

Quote from Jay

Cameron: Okay, we can't give up. Let's go out into the yard and look for it.
Jay: Careful. I wouldn't come between Stella and anything she's buried. She's a wild animal. No telling what she'll do. [Stella's sprawled out on the floor] That's a very aggressive stance.

Quote from Claire

Jay: Hand me that ladle, huh? What are you doing? I got it.
Claire: What do you say?
Jay: What?
Claire: What do you say when somebody does something for you? What do you say?
Jay: You want me to thank you for handing me a ladle?
Claire: You thanked the dog for staying, which is basically doing nothing, so I know you know the words.
Jay: Fine. Thank you for handling me the ladle.

Quote from Claire

Haley: Approval comes from within.
Claire: Thank you.
Jay: Your sauce needs garlic.
[Haley and Alex restrain Claire]
Haley: Okay.
Alex: Okay.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: And that's a clock.
Cameron: Okay, well, do another one. I've done like four.
Mitchell: This dog is a worse hoarder than your Uncle Clayton.
Cameron: He's a collector.
Mitchell: Of expired yogurt?

Quote from Phil

Phil: After today, I'm convinced our landfills are 10% hair.

Quote from Gloria

Phil: What a day, huh? Being back here must bring up a lot of memories.
Gloria: Oh, yeah.
Phil: Maybe even some emotions.
Gloria: Yeah. It feels weird.
Phil: No, weird's an adjective, not an emotion, but go on.
Gloria: Well, it's just that my life now is so different than before. So much easier.
Phil: And that makes you feel...?
Gloria: Good.
Phil: And also?
Gloria: And bad.
Phil: Why?
Gloria: I don't know.
Phil: Come on, now, Gloria.
Gloria: I don't know. I guess it just makes me feel a little ashamed.
Phil: Now, what in the world do you have to be ashamed of?
Gloria: It's just that, you know, before, when I used to live here, I used to work for every penny. I would stand on my own two feet. Now I just stand on expensive shoes that Jay buys for me.
Phil: Is that why it's so hard to let go of the apartment?
Gloria: No, Phil, it's not that-
Phil: Gloria.
Gloria: Maybe.
Phil: Gloria.
Gloria: Yes. It's the last piece of the old me.

Quote from Gloria

Phil: I'm sorry, but I think you're looking at this all wrong. The old you hasn't gone anywhere. I-I-I see it in the way you're raising Manny and Joe, the way you care for Jay. You never take anyone or anything for granted. You worked hard for years without knowing that things were gonna get better. And then the universe rewarded you. There's nothing to be ashamed of.
Gloria: So you're not mad at me because I don't want to sell the apartment?
Phil: No. You'll know when you're ready, and I'll be here.
Gloria: Aw, Phil. You're the best.
Phil: Aw.
Gloria: There's no one like you.

Quote from Gloria

Cameron: Well, you'll all be happy to know that our search for the cake topper unearthed a number of family treasures.
Jay: Come on, Cam. We're eating over here.
Manny: Wait. Didn't I give you this for Father's Day? And that.
Jay: You see how this dog is?
Gloria: [gasps] My karaoke microphone.
Phil: Jay, check it out! The other walkie-talkie!
Gloria: Shame on you, Jay Pritchett! You have used this dog to bury the things that you hate.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] "Here's to 40 years in the business. Enjoy your new timer, old-timer." Suddenly, it made sense. In my dad's mind, I was reaching for a torch he wasn't ready to pass. Sure, someday, I'm gonna take over his business, but not tonight. Tonight is still Jay's night.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [over walkie talkie] Goldilocks to Papa Bear. Goldilocks to Papa Bear. Come in, Papa Bear.
Jay: This is Papa Bear.
Phil: On location in the garage, Papa Bear. Got some cocoa with your name on it. What's your 20?

Quote from Phil

Claire: Oh, what the hell?
Phil: What's going on?
Claire: The kids unfriended me again. How am I supposed to know what's going on in their lives if they never talk to me?
Phil: Honey I got this.
[cut to Phil shampooing Luke's hair:]
Luke: Yeah. It's been kind of a rough year. New school, new kids, and now I'm taking advice about girls from a kid who has his own shoe buffer.
Phil: What?!
[cut to Phil shampooing Alex's hair:]
Alex: I tried beer.
Phil: Ohhh.
[cut to Phil shampooing Haley's hair:]
Haley: Wow, Dad. This feels great.
Phil: Good. Good. You're- You sure there's- There's nothing on your mind?
Haley: No. Why do you ask, Dad? You seem upset about something.
[cut to Haley shampooing Phil's hair:]
Phil: It's just, you reach a certain age, and you start to wonder, "Am I everything I wanted to be?" I mean, am I selling houses, or am I just selling out?
Haley: Anything else?
Phil: Alex tried beer.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Listen, I just got an e-mail from our wedding singer. He has a small request.
Cameron: Another one? Since when does the wedding singer send us requests?
Mitchell: Well, no, he just wants to change a few songs in your medley to avoid overlap with the stuff that he's performing.
Cameron: Well, I hope it's none of my showstoppers.
Mitchell: Oh, they're all showstoppers.
Cameron: Oh, you're too kind.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Oh, I would have nixed that wedding topper immediately, but Cam and I have an agreement. We- We each got three vetoes of each other's wedding ideas, no questions asked. And it- It worked for a while.
[flashback:]
Cameron: I think you're gonna love my wedding board.
Mitchell: I'm pretty excited, too.
Cameron: Veto.
Mitchell: Veto.
Cameron: Veto.
Mitchell: Veto.
Cameron: Veto.
Mitchell: Veto.

Quote from Phil

Blake: I am really digging this place.
Phil: Right? The gas stove, the moldings, they don't make 'em like this anymore.
Blake: I'll probably gut it.
Phil: Rip it out. That's what I'd do.

Quote from Phil

Phil: What's so funny? What's so funny?
Gloria: She thinks you're my lover.
Phil: That is funny! I don't know if it's "a room full of women laughing" funny, but...

Quote from Claire

Claire: Not to sound too braggy, but your mom was kind of a badass at work this week. It was hard enough with Grandpa being sick and me suddenly in charge, but it was just one crisis after another. Luke, honey, we're going! Fire in the warehouse, surprise inspection from OSHA, our biggest buyer tried to pull out of a deal, and I have to talk him off a ledge. Whatever. It's over now. I don't want to bore you guys with this stuff.
[later:]
Claire: So, when I get to work on Wednesday, Margaret is already in tears, and there are two cops in the waiting room, and I say to them, "One of you had better be able to drive an 18-wheeler, because I've got 100 rosewood panels to get to Victorville, or it's coming out of my paycheck." I told you guys about the drivers and the bad tuna?
Haley: Bad tuna, yes.
Claire: Yes, I did.

Quote from Claire

Haley: Hey, mom, I forgot how fun this car was.
Alex: And these automatic doors and that TV in the back.
Claire: You know what else was fun? The party they threw for me at work on Friday. I mean, it was a little bit embarrassing. I didn't even know "she-ro" was a word, and there it was, in icing.

Quote from Alex

Jay: Welcome to Jay's night. Names, please. Want to make sure you're on the list. Kidding! Just excited. Appetizers on the bar, scrabble on the coffee table, and our feature presentation, "The Great Escape." Speaking of which, Haley-
Haley: Don't worry, grandpa. I'm not leaving. I have no plans for the night.
Alex: Me, either.
Haley: But when I say it, it's news.
Alex: When you say any complete sentence, it's news.

Quote from Jay

Claire: Dad, you feeling better? You had a rough week, huh?
Jay: Nah. I'm fine. Looks like you had a big week.
Claire: You heard about that?
Jay: Yeah, I got the blow-by-blow on all the office drama. By the way, sincerely...
Claire: Yeah?
Jay: Great... Great... Guacamole on the bar, there.

Quote from Claire

Alex: Wow. That's it? Everything you did for him, and he doesn't even say "thank you"?
Haley: I get it. It's "hero" with a "she." Okay, I'm up to speed. Yeah, that was cold.
Claire: It's just his way. After years of disappointment, I have learned not to expect a pat on the head from my dad. He's not capable of it. But it has taught me a very important lesson that you girls should learn, too-- approval comes from within.
Alex: I knew that, mom.
Claire: 'Course you did, 'cause you're smart.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Lily had the cake topper in the tub with her!
Mitchell: Oh, no. How could such a terrible mistake have occurred?
Cameron: I think she must have just thought it was a toy or something.
Mitchell: Well, I hope it's not completely ruined forever.
Cameron: Oh, no. Are you kidding me? My daddy uses a special shellac on this thing. This is water-resistant, heat-resistant,you name it.
Mitchell: Good to know.
Cameron: Yeah, but put it someplace safe. It could still be slippery, so be careful.
Mitchell: Is it? Oh, yeah, it is! It's slippery! [drops it]
Cameron: Is it okay?
Mitchell: Ah not a scratch.
Cameron: Whew!
Mitchell: Apparently, I'm tougher than I look.

Quote from Manny

Luke: Okay, we're out of here. Kristy Hughes, AKA "Kristy Huge Ones," is having a pool party two blocks away.
Manny: What about Jay? He thinks we're at a party.
Luke: He'll never know. We sneak out, work the room, cannonball, cannonball, and we're back in time for dinner.
Manny: Were you even invited?
Luke: No. But that's only because I don't know her or any of her friends.
Manny: We're not invading her house. Besides, this hair at a pool party, one dunk, and it goes off like an airbag. Poof!

Quote from Claire

Jay: What's this? You made sauce?
Claire: Well, you were sick. I didn't know if you could handle it.
Jay: Back in Vietnam, I had hepatitis. Still managed to cook Thanksgiving dinner for 300 soldiers. I think I can handle sauce.
Claire: Well, I saved you the trouble.
Jay: So, Margaret tells me I'm using some new delivery trucks now.
Claire: Yeah. They're hybrid. Now, they cost a little more, but when I factored in the tax rebates you get for going green, we come out ahead.
Jay: Speaking of "green," you went a little heavy on the vegetables, huh? I'm not sure I can stomach anything that's healthy.

Quote from Jay

Jay: No, Stella, stay. No. Good girl. Thank you, Stella. Thank you for listening. Oh, I'm so proud of you. Who's my best girl?

Quote from Luke

Luke: Come on! We've got to go! That party's full of sophomores. Those women have lived.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Did you work everything out with the wedding singer?
Cameron: Oh, yeah. I'm just dropping my big finale because he's doing the same song.
Mitchell: "My Way"?
Cameron: His way.


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