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‘A Hard Jay's Night’ Quotes

Modern Family: A Hard Jay's Night

519. A Hard Jay's Night

Aired April 2, 2014

Mitchell tries to put on a brave face when Cameron takes receipt of an unflattering wedding topper that his father whittled out of soap for them. Phil and Gloria spend the day at her old neighborhood salon as he tries to sell her old apartment. Meanwhile, Claire knows better than to expect a thank you from Jay for filling in for him at work.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Oh, my gosh, it's us. For our wedding cake. Couldn't you just die?
Mitchell: I really think I could.
Cameron: My dad made this. He's a world-class soap carver. You know, once, when I was a kid, I cussed, and my mom washed my mouth out with the leaning Tower of Pisa. She still blames herself to this day.

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Quote from Luke

Manny: You want to talk?
Luke: You're the dorky sidekick, not me.
Manny: Want to talk nicer?
Luke: How could you be invited and I wasn't?
Manny: I don't know. It's like the stuff that used to make me kind of weird, people are starting to like.
Luke: So? I'm the same as I always was.
Manny: Well maybe you could upgrade a little. Uh, we're tired of the Yoda voice, and if a girl tells you she went to London, maybe don't ask if she also saw France.
Luke: I liked things better when you were the one who was ostrich-sized.
Manny: What?
Luke: You know, like a freaky outsider. The way an ostrich feels around regular birds.
Manny: You know what else girls like? The mysterious, silent type.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Hey! We got a package from my dad.
Mitchell: No air holes in the box. That's a good sign.
Cameron: Lily loved having that chicken.
Mitchell: One more time than she realized.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: I'm sorry I'm so emotional. It's just the nicest thing ever.
Mitchell: You don't think that I look just a little bit-
Cameron: I mean, my dad carved through his arthritis!
Mitchell: Maybe it's the kicky leg.
Cameron: I mean, the hours his ruined hands put into this. He found us in soap. Today, Mitchell, I know love.
Mitchell: I no love, either.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I'm helping Gloria sell the old apartment that she and Manny lived in before she met Jay. It's in an up-and-coming neighborhood with a distinct multicultural bent that's undergoing an exciting urban renewal. That's a fancy way of saying "The gays found it."

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: I can't believe that I lived here for five years. Even turning the lights on was a pain. Look at this. [hits wall twice]
Mrs. Rivera: [o.s.] Keep it down, you bitch!
Gloria: Ay. Mrs. Rivera's still alive.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: I'm not selling to him.
Phil: What? Really? He's a quality buyer. You're tired of finding renters.
Gloria: This is a family building. Generations have lived there, and usually at the same time. He just wants to flip it.
Phil: Okay. I got a backup I can probably get here in an hour. You want to wait in there?
Gloria: You walk in that door, you never come out.
Phil: No, no, not the bar. The coffee shop.
Gloria: Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. But we can wait next door. That's my old hair salon where I used to work. You can get drinks there, too.

Quote from Phil

Gloria: Ay, Rita, no. Phil is a friend of mine, and we're just killing time before an appointment.
Rita: I hate to ask, Gloria, but my new girl hasn't shown up. Any chance you could help?
Gloria: Ay, of course! It will be so much fun! Oh! I don't want to ruin my nails. Phil, would you do my shampooing?
Phil: Well, I-I guess so. We've got the time. Just a warning, I haven't shampooed professionally since college, and that was only part-time to pay for my cheer gear. Wow. That was super-braggy. What do we got, double sinks? What's the nozzle sitch?

Quote from Manny

Manny: No, we're going back inside, we're eating Jay's food, and we're playing his board games.
Luke: More like boring games.
Manny: They're already called "board." You don't make it more clever by- Never mind.

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: Hey, guys. Sorry we're late, but we come with wine.
Cameron: And whittlin'!
Claire: Oh!
Cameron: Check it out. This is a beautiful gift my father made for the top of our wedding cake.
Lily: I guess he ran out of soap before he got to me.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Mitchell! It's gone!
Mitchell: What is?
Cameron: The cake topper. Lily, have you seen the little daddies you were bathing with earlier?
Mitchell: Ew. Don't say that.

Quote from Luke

Kristy: Manny! You made it! Who's this?
[aside to camera:]
Luke: "Who's this?" Excuse me, Kristy Huge Ones, I have a name.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Found it!
Mitchell: Yay! Oh! Good.
Cameron: Thank God. I hadn't even told you my biggest plan for this yet.
Mitchell: Bigger than the top of our wedding cake?
Cameron: I'm gonna have a mold made of it and give a reproduction to everyone who comes to the wedding and everyone who can't come to the wedding. Imagine hundreds of these across the country.
Mitchell: No! No! No! Absolutely not! I hate it! It's awful!
Cameron: I knew it! I knew it! It just shows up in Lily's bath, and then, all of a sudden, the dog has it? You have it in for this beautiful topper.
Mitchell: Look at this. Look at it. Look at it! Come on, you're all heroic and Paul Bunyan-y, and I'm- I'm, like, some sissy man with- with pinkish cheeks and a turned-out heel.
Cameron: It's a caricature. What matters is what it represents. My daddy making this for us means he's accepted us for who we are! Don't you get that?
Mitchell: I never really thought about it that way.
Cameron: No. You hadn't.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I don't want something at the wedding that makes you uncomfortable.
Mitchell: Well, no, that doesn't seem fair. I've used up all my vetoes.
Cameron: Well, if it- I guess, if it makes you feel better, I could give you one more veto, if you give me one more, too.
Mitchell: Okay, sure. And in the future, if there's anything-
Cameron: The wedding singer.
[aside: Cameron gives a wry smile to camera]
[flashback:]
Cameron: Okay. Thanks, daddy. I'll send you the perfect picture to model it on.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Oh, what the hell?
Phil: What's going on?
Claire: The kids unfriended me again. How am I supposed to know what's going on in their lives if they never talk to me?
Phil: Honey I got this.
[cut to Phil shampooing Luke's hair:]
Luke: Yeah. It's been kind of a rough year. New school, new kids, and now I'm taking advice about girls from a kid who has his own shoe buffer.
Phil: What?!
[cut to Phil shampooing Alex's hair:]
Alex: I tried beer.
Phil: Ohhh.
[cut to Phil shampooing Haley's hair:]
Haley: Wow, Dad. This feels great.
Phil: Good. Good. You're- You sure there's- There's nothing on your mind?
Haley: No. Why do you ask, Dad? You seem upset about something.
[cut to Haley shampooing Phil's hair:]
Phil: It's just, you reach a certain age, and you start to wonder, "Am I everything I wanted to be?" I mean, am I selling houses, or am I just selling out?
Haley: Anything else?
Phil: Alex tried beer.


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