Cameron: Oh, my gosh, it's us. For our wedding cake. Couldn't you just die?
Mitchell: I really think I could.
Cameron: My dad made this. He's a world-class soap carver. You know, once, when I was a kid, I cussed, and my mom washed my mouth out with the leaning Tower of Pisa. She still blames herself to this day.

Manny: You want to talk?
Luke: You're the dorky sidekick, not me.
Manny: Want to talk nicer?
Luke: How could you be invited and I wasn't?
Manny: I don't know. It's like the stuff that used to make me kind of weird, people are starting to like.
Luke: So? I'm the same as I always was.
Manny: Well maybe you could upgrade a little. Uh, we're tired of the Yoda voice, and if a girl tells you she went to London, maybe don't ask if she also saw France.
Luke: I liked things better when you were the one who was ostrich-sized.
Manny: What?
Luke: You know, like a freaky outsider. The way an ostrich feels around regular birds.
Manny: You know what else girls like? The mysterious, silent type.

Cameron: Hey! We got a package from my dad.
Mitchell: No air holes in the box. That's a good sign.
Cameron: Lily loved having that chicken.
Mitchell: One more time than she realized.

Cameron: I'm sorry I'm so emotional. It's just the nicest thing ever.
Mitchell: You don't think that I look just a little bit-
Cameron: I mean, my dad carved through his arthritis!
Mitchell: Maybe it's the kicky leg.
Cameron: I mean, the hours his ruined hands put into this. He found us in soap. Today, Mitchell, I know love.
Mitchell: I no love, either.

Phil: [aside to camera] I'm helping Gloria sell the old apartment that she and Manny lived in before she met Jay. It's in an up-and-coming neighborhood with a distinct multicultural bent that's undergoing an exciting urban renewal. That's a fancy way of saying "The gays found it."

Gloria: I can't believe that I lived here for five years. Even turning the lights on was a pain. Look at this. [hits wall twice]
Mrs. Rivera: [o.s.] Keep it down, you bitch!
Gloria: Ay. Mrs. Rivera's still alive.

Gloria: I'm not selling to him.
Phil: What? Really? He's a quality buyer. You're tired of finding renters.
Gloria: This is a family building. Generations have lived there, and usually at the same time. He just wants to flip it.
Phil: Okay. I got a backup I can probably get here in an hour. You want to wait in there?
Gloria: You walk in that door, you never come out.
Phil: No, no, not the bar. The coffee shop.
Gloria: Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. But we can wait next door. That's my old hair salon where I used to work. You can get drinks there, too.

Gloria: Ay, Rita, no. Phil is a friend of mine, and we're just killing time before an appointment.
Rita: I hate to ask, Gloria, but my new girl hasn't shown up. Any chance you could help?
Gloria: Ay, of course! It will be so much fun! Oh! I don't want to ruin my nails. Phil, would you do my shampooing?
Phil: Well, I-I guess so. We've got the time. Just a warning, I haven't shampooed professionally since college, and that was only part-time to pay for my cheer gear. Wow. That was super-braggy. What do we got, double sinks? What's the nozzle sitch?

Manny: No, we're going back inside, we're eating Jay's food, and we're playing his board games.
Luke: More like boring games.
Manny: They're already called "board." You don't make it more clever by- Never mind.

Mitchell: Hey, guys. Sorry we're late, but we come with wine.
Cameron: And whittlin'!
Claire: Oh!
Cameron: Check it out. This is a beautiful gift my father made for the top of our wedding cake.
Lily: I guess he ran out of soap before he got to me.