Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Haley's 21st Birthday’ Quotes

Modern Family: Haley's 21st Birthday

610. Haley's 21st Birthday

Aired December 10, 2014

As Haley celebrates her twenty-first birthday at a bar with her family, Claire decides she wants her daughter to see her as a friend, Mitchell and Cameron realize they're not the cool young things they once were, and Jay disrupts Phil's quick stop at a car dealership to pick up Haley's gift. Elsewhere, Alex, Luke and Manny are stunned when Lily asks them where babies come from.

Quote from Lily

Lily: When I grow up, I want to have kids. Well, first, I want a perfect husband. Someone who takes care of me. And then we're gonna make a baby. Which is easy. You just put eggs and tadpoles in a glass, and the woman has to drink it. Then, the woman and man kiss and jump on their bed. After a year, she pees, and a baby comes out.
Luke: Wow.
Alex: Oh, my God.
Manny: Okay, then.

Rate

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] Leaving Phil with a car salesman is like covering a baby goat in barbecue sauce and dropping it in the middle of the Serengeti.

Quote from Luke

Lily: So, do you know how babies are made?
Luke: Yep, and I'll tell you. But first, we're gonna need a pen and a bagel.
Lily: Why?
Luke: Well, you're gonna need to take notes, and I'm hungry.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [aside to camera] There is a lot of pressure when one is a gay uncle.
Cameron: Or guncle.
Mitchell: Giving a gift to a niece as hip and chic as Haley.
Cameron: In the 10 years that we've been together, we've only missed the mark one time.
Mitchell: Yeah, when Claire told us what to buy, but we learned our lesson. Ignore Claire and trust our gay instincts.
Cameron: Or "ginstincts."
Mitchell: Too much.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: I always got Dylan.
Haley: Careful. You're like my grandma.
Gloria: Grandma? Easy. I have stabbed closer relatives than you.

Quote from Luke

Alex: Okay, I am technically in charge tonight, so no one tells Lily where babies come from.
Manny: I could not agree more.
Luke: I don't know why you Americans are so uptight about sex.
Alex: Sex is confusing for young people, and she doesn't need to learn from two fuzz-staches who barely know anything themselves.
Luke: Excuse me, you might want to check my browser history. I've done some research.
Alex: Oh. Well, great. I'm just gonna go vomit forever now.

Quote from Phil

Phil: It was supposed to be such a great moment for me as a dad. I was gonna walk into that bar, give my daughter her new car keys, and say, "Honey, chug that drink. We're going for a spin."

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Yeah, somebody's hungry for a little bit more.
Cameron: We should have just told them we're straight.
Mitchell: We met them because you accurately identified the bride's perfume.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Go on, honey. Show him your license. Go on.
Bouncer: Oh? Somebody 21 today?
Haley: Yes.
Bouncer: Military gal. Welcome, Private Dorchester.
Haley: Uh, oops. That is the wrong one. I am so very sorry. Hold on a second.

Quote from Haley

Haley: [aside to camera] Yes, I'm a huge dork for celebrating my 21st with my family, but my mom was crazy excited to go to a bar with me. Or just to go to a bar.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Aw, it's so nice what you two are doing. My mother would have never taken me out for a drink.
Haley: Why? Was she super strict?
Gloria: No, she would never see me as an adult. Well, except when the police came to the house. Then, she would be like, "Gloria, you go talk to them. Tell them your father was here last night. But unbutton your shirt a little bit first."

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Sorry that took so long. We got trapped by those bridesmaids over there.
Cameron: Yeah. That's what happens when you bring gay guys to a straight club. We're like catnip to drunken bachelorette party girls.
Mitchell: The problem is, they can get a little bit clingy.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Tonight, while Claire gets things started at the bar, Jay is taking me to pick up Haley's birthday present: a new car!
Claire: Phil shopped around, found something very safe and low-maintenance with lots of good reviews.
Phil: Till I married her. [laughs] I'm joking! You're not low-maintenance! I doubled down.
Claire: Oh, I heard you.

Quote from Lily

Lily: Do you know where babies come from?
Alex: Lily, I'm studying.
Lily: Are you a nerd?
Alex: No. Why would you ask me that?
Lily: It's Friday night, and you're doing homework.
Alex: It's my senior year. Trust me, Lily, there'll be tons of fun Friday nights in my future with artists, dignitaries, other scientists.
Lily: I didn't hear "boyfriend."

Quote from Lily

Lily: Hey, guys, do you know where babies come from?
Manny: Lily, that's not an appropriate question.
Lily: Come on. Do you know or not?
Manny: Uh, yes. The stork brings them.
Lily: This dork?
Manny: Good stuff.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Okay, we can't wait any longer. We are dying to give you our present!
Haley: Guys, I said no gifts.
Mitchell: No, you said no gifts under $100.
Haley: Oh, did I? Gimme.
Cameron: It's just a little something from your supercool guncles.
Haley: Okay!

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: I cannot believe Haley didn't like the shoes.
Claire: Oh, come on. Of course she did.
Cameron: No, she most certainly did not. She gave us the high voice. "They're cute!" I know the voice. I invented the voice. I use the voice.
Mitchell: Wait. So, I can't pull off mid-thigh shorts?
Cameron: No, you can. Pull them off and give them to somebody 20 years younger.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Come on. Haley, let me in.
Haley: Okay, fine. So we were laughing because we were playing "Would you rather?"
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Cameron: What's that?
Haley: And I said, "Would you rather marry George Clooney or have the best sex of your life for just one night with Tom Hardy?"
Mitchell: Who's that?
Cameron: I don't know. Google him.
Claire: I'm going with Tom because George would just want to talk about politics all the time and Tom seems like he would quietly get the job done.
Gloria: That's exactly what Haley said!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Oh. Let's show them what we got.
Mitchell: Hey, real quick what have we got?
Cameron: Um, well, I can raise the roof and do the cabbage patch.
Mitchell: Okay, and I can do the "single lady" hand thing.
Cameron: Yeah, but put your neck into it or you just look like the Queen waving.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: What happened?
Mitchell: Oh, my god. Stop. We're gancient.

Quote from Lily

Lily: That's embarrassing. Want me to tell you?
Alex: What?
Manny: Hey, that's why you asked if we knew where babies came from because you wanted to tell us?
Lily: Yeah, you're old. You should know. But you might want to sit down for this.
[Luke sits down]

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, what should we get? It needs to be something important to us. I-is Nelson Mandela still in jail?
Mitchell: I think it should be something just a little more personal.
Cameron: Okay, what about lilies for Lily?
Mitchell: Flowers? Be faster just to get the word "gay."

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Now that Claire has a tattoo, I can finally get one of my own! So, I've been trying to think of a phrase that sums up the way I live my life. I don't think small. I don't do things halfway. I'm not afraid of taking risks. So, then, I was trying to think of the perfect place to put it, you know? You don't want to put it on a-a body part that's gonna wrinkle or- or sag too much, and you don't want it in some place where if you're wearing a suit it would show. So, on my lower back I would put the words "Go deep." Bam!
Claire: Think about it.
Phil: I heard it.
Claire: Okay.
Phil: "Do it."
Claire: No.
Phil: "All in."
Claire: No.


 Episode 609 Episode 611 
  Select another episode