Phil: Okay. I'm taking off.
Luke: Where are you going? I thought we were going to give a chicken the best day of its life.
Phil: I hate that we keep rescheduling that, but being a realtor man means working on Sundays, like priests and Lesley Stahl.

Earl: Hello, Jay.
Jay: Hello, Earl.
Gloria: I invited him so that you two finally can bury the machete.

Phil: [aside to camera] I am handling the sale of our neighbor Jerry's house. He's selling it and moving into a bachelor pad now that he's officially divorced.
Claire: Which is great!
Phil: Well, I don't know about "great." I mean, you can come and go as you please, I suppose, and maybe see what's up with the U.P.S. girl who's always asking if you work out, or-
Claire: It's great because we have the rare opportunity to choose our new neighbors.
Phil: While still looking out for my client's best interests, of course.
Claire: Wink wink.
Phil: I'm in kind of in a delicate spot, stuck between my wife and the guy next door, but I'm pretty sure I can satisfy them both simultaneously.

Jay: [aside to camera] It was 1980. Earl and I just formed our company, Closet-fornia. Business was great, high-end clients, maybe a celebrity or two. I shouldn't name names. Anyway, came to work one day, and Earl's desk had been cleared out. He had badmouthed me to half our rolodex. It was devastating. I had to start all over. Well, what the hell? It was Larry Hagman. Heck of a guy. Heart as big as his hat.

Phil: [aside to camera] Not since I fell off the roof while they were delivering our trampoline have things come together so beautifully.

Gloria: Enough! You two are acting like two little boys. So I'm gonna have to handle this how my mother handled my two brothers. It's either you two work this out or you kill each other.

Phil: [aside to camera] On my honor, I promise to aid in man's quest for shelter, to recognize I'm not just in the business of houses, I'm in the business of dreams in the shape of houses. To disclose all illegal additions, shoddy construction, murders, and ghosts.

Jay: Earl Chambers is a liar and a backstabber who betrayed me and never apologized.
Gloria: Jay, please. It's just closets.
Jay: I wish it was Just Closets. I respect those guys.

Jay: He was asleep when I got home last night. And I want to talk to him about the Sophie-Earl situation.
Gloria: Are you going to start again? I am tired of hearing you rant about the crazy closet world.
Jay: Why would I rant about Crazy Closet World? Those lunatics priced themselves out of business years ago.

Gloria: Stop it! Sit down! This is crazy. You two need to be friends. You're the only two people in the world that care so much about closets. This is silly!
Jay: I guess those angled shelves that display all your precious shoes are silly.
Earl: Or the rotating tie rack that helps a brain surgeon save valuable seconds, and, just maybe, a life.
Jay: You fought me every step of the way on that.
Earl: Because the technology wasn't there yet. People were gonna get hurt!