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36Quotes from ‘Won't You Be Our Neighbor’

Modern Family: Won't You Be Our Neighbor

605. Won't You Be Our Neighbor

Aired October 22, 2014

With Phil in charge of selling the house next door, Claire is hopeful they can select the perfect neighbors. Jay forbids Manny from seeing his new girlfriend after learning she's the grand daughter of his great closet rival. Meanwhile, Mitchell and Cameron are determined to get Lily moved to another class to get away from a stern, uncompromising teacher.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Okay. I'm taking off.
Luke: Where are you going? I thought we were going to give a chicken the best day of its life.
Phil: I hate that we keep rescheduling that, but being a realtor man means working on Sundays, like priests and Lesley Stahl.

Quote from Gloria

Earl: Hello, Jay.
Jay: Hello, Earl.
Gloria: I invited him so that you two finally can bury the machete.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I am handling the sale of our neighbor Jerry's house. He's selling it and moving into a bachelor pad now that he's officially divorced.
Claire: Which is great!
Phil: Well, I don't know about "great." I mean, you can come and go as you please, I suppose, and maybe see what's up with the U.P.S. girl who's always asking if you work out, or-
Claire: It's great because we have the rare opportunity to choose our new neighbors.
Phil: While still looking out for my client's best interests, of course.
Claire: Wink wink.
Phil: I'm in kind of in a delicate spot, stuck between my wife and the guy next door, but I'm pretty sure I can satisfy them both simultaneously.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] It was 1980. Earl and I just formed our company, Closet-fornia. Business was great, high-end clients, maybe a celebrity or two. I shouldn't name names. Anyway, came to work one day, and Earl's desk had been cleared out. He had badmouthed me to half our rolodex. It was devastating. I had to start all over. Well, what the hell? It was Larry Hagman. Heck of a guy. Heart as big as his hat.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Not since I fell off the roof while they were delivering our trampoline have things come together so beautifully.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Enough! You two are acting like two little boys. So I'm gonna have to handle this how my mother handled my two brothers. It's either you two work this out or you kill each other.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] On my honor, I promise to aid in man's quest for shelter, to recognize I'm not just in the business of houses, I'm in the business of dreams in the shape of houses. To disclose all illegal additions, shoddy construction, murders, and ghosts.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Earl Chambers is a liar and a backstabber who betrayed me and never apologized.
Gloria: Jay, please. It's just closets.
Jay: I wish it was Just Closets. I respect those guys.

Quote from Jay

Jay: He was asleep when I got home last night. And I want to talk to him about the Sophie-Earl situation.
Gloria: Are you going to start again? I am tired of hearing you rant about the crazy closet world.
Jay: Why would I rant about Crazy Closet World? Those lunatics priced themselves out of business years ago.

Quote from Luke

Claire: Okay. That's them. That's them. Everybody look like you're gardening. Luke, grab that little hoe.
[Luke puts his arms around Haley]
Haley: Uh, I -- I don't think that's what she meant. Is it?

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Holy cow. It works!
Gloria: What is he doing?
Manny: He's putting socks in a soda box and pulling them out.
Gloria: Oh, no. This is like when my grandmother started combing her hair with a cactus. Jay, Jay, who is the president?

Quote from Manny

Jay: How could you bring her to my home? She's the granddaughter of my worst enemy.
Manny: I had no idea who she was. I met her in my theater group. I'm Caesar, and she's concubine #3. It was bound to happen.

Quote from Jay

Jay: What else did you discuss with her? Did you mention we've been experimenting with lighted hanging rods?
Manny: I don't have a great rap with girls, but it's better than that.
Jay: Well, you're gonna use it with someone else 'cause I forbid you to see her.
Manny: What?
Gloria: That's not fair.
Jay: What's not fair is me picking up the pieces of my life while Earl gets to be an extra on "Dallas"!

Quote from Mitchell

Mrs. Plank: Parents are not allowed to choose their children's teachers.
Mitchell: No, and, of course, I would never suggest special treatment for Lily even if she is a- a former orphan and minority and- and daughter of two gay men.
Cameron: That's a big load on those little shoulders.
Mrs. Plank: Are you suggesting that your daughter is at a disadvantage because she's being raised by gay parents?
Mitchell: Is it working?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Look. Uh, we just don't think that Lily responds to your, uh, teaching methods, and we think she would be happier in Miss Sparrow's class.
Mrs. Plank: We would all be happier in that new-age drum circle she calls a classroom.
Cameron: Okay, well, we didn't mean to offend you. We're not saying you're any worse than her.
Mrs. Plank: She.
Cameron: Ma'am?
Mrs. Plank: "Than she." That's proper English. It's too bad Lily won't learn it.
Mitchell: So she can go.
Mrs. Plank: As far as I'm concerned, she's gone already. One more child left behind.
Mitchell: Okay, you know what? No. Lily will be fine, 'cause she's gonna have the chance to thrive in a more supportive environment.
Cameron: Yeah, you don't need to worry about she.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Stop it! Sit down! This is crazy. You two need to be friends. You're the only two people in the world that care so much about closets. This is silly!
Jay: I guess those angled shelves that display all your precious shoes are silly.
Earl: Or the rotating tie rack that helps a brain surgeon save valuable seconds, and, just maybe, a life.
Jay: You fought me every step of the way on that.
Earl: Because the technology wasn't there yet. People were gonna get hurt!

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] When Reefer Madness raised his offer, we invited the Thompsons over to try to convince them to raise theirs.
Phil: We wanted to show them that the best thing about that house is its location.
Claire: It's Dunphy-adjacent.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Just keep your granddaughter out of my house. For all I know, you sent her over there to spy on me!
Earl: Sophie? What is she doing at your house?
Jay: Dating my kid.
Earl: Mitchell? He's got to be 40 years old. And don't you know that- Oh, I get to do this. Mitchell is gay.
Jay: Shut up. My stepson, Manny.
Earl: She's dating one of you? My little, sweet Sophie?
Jay: That's right. My boy's dating her. He's dating her real good.
Earl: Well, I'm gonna put an end to it.
Jay: Great idea, Earl. 'Cause girls love take advice from their grandfathers about boys.
Earl: I banged your ex-wife!
Jay: If you banged Dede, I do owe you an apology.

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: Miss Sparrow's so fun and creative.
Megan: Yeah, today, she gave us yarn, and we did whatever we wanted.
Lily: I don't want to play with yarn. I want to read and learn math.
Megan: We do math.
Lily: Really? What's 2 plus 7?
Mitchell: No. No, it's 9. But that's an honest mistake, sweetheart.
Lily: Okay, what does blue and yellow make?
Megan: Blellow.
Lily: [to her parents] You need to fix this.

Quote from Alex

Claire: I could not sleep all night thinking about those obnoxious people living next door to us.
Alex: Especially that boy with the ripped jeans and the long hair and those blue eyes who called me hot. Me? Hot? What?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Withholding information would be a violation of the realtor's oath.
Claire: Which you wrote.
Phil: Well, I also wrote my own wedding vows. I guess I should break those, too?
Claire: Phil.
Phil: What am I saying? I'll never send you to bed without a hug.

Quote from Jay

Earl: This thing between us is getting out of control. We got to put an end to it right now.
Jay: As long as you own up to what you did 30 years ago.
Earl: If apologizing is gonna keep your no-good son away from my Sophie, then-
Gloria: He's not a no-good!
Jay: Yes, he is. He's a walking hormone. Now, let's hear this apology.
Earl: Fine. I was under a lot of pressure back then, and-
Manny: Okay, keep in mind I'm not in makeup yet, but do these sandals make my legs look thick? 'Cause I- I could lower the hem.
Jay: Aw, geez.
Earl: Who's that?
Jay: That's, uh, the maid's son. Not now, Gomez!

Quote from Mitchell

Mrs. Plank: I will take Lily back if you are able to tell me the object of this sentence.
Cameron: Oh, gosh.
Mrs. Plank: "Lily's parents were wrong about Mrs. Plank."
Cameron: Do you know it?
Mitchell: I- I- I think that the object is to humiliate us?
Mrs. Plank: Correct. See? I can teach anybody.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Check this out. What's my biggest problem in the bedroom? [door bell]
Manny: Oh, thank God.
Jay: It's that I'm always wearing the same socks because they're always up front. But this bad boy stores and rotates your socks. It's gonna revolutionize the closet industry.
Gloria: What an exciting time to be alive.
Jay: I'm gonna get my lawyer on the horn, try to lock the name down. Check this, "sock it to me."
Gloria: How about "soxbox?"
Jay: Gloria, please. I'm selling a lifestyle here.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Hey, you're back already? How was the birthday party?
Lily: I rode a unicorn.
Cameron: Yes, you did. All by your lonesome. [whispers] It wasn't a real unicorn.
Mitchell: Thank you.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [aside to camera] I call Mrs. Plank "Mrs. Crank. " Because, you know, I have the courage to say what others won't.
Mitchell: Behind her back.

Quote from Phil

Phil: And I also I helped the previous owners install a brand-new tankless water heater a year ago, but did they show any gratitude?
George: Nope! Because it's a "tankless" job.
Phil: Yes! Please move in. We can riff like this all the time.

Quote from Haley

Claire: Uh, what is your line of work, Ronnie?
Ronnie: Well, I'm basically a doctor.
Amber: Oh, stop being modest. He owns, like, a buttload of medical-weed dispensaries.
Haley: Ah, that's where I kno- [pretending to answer phone] Oh, hello?

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Damn it, she saw the sock it to me!
Gloria: So what?
Jay: If she can remember how it works, she's gonna tell Earl all about it.
Gloria: If she can remember how it works? You put the sock in a box. Even Joe could have thought of that.

Quote from Phil

Ronnie: Is this one of those realtor tricks?
Phil: No.
Ronnie: Where you're trying to get me to raise my offer?
Phil: Oh, no.
Ronnie: Well, it's working. All right. I'll throw in another 50 grand.
Phil: What?! That's a terrible idea!
Ronnie: I'm not losing the house. I had the best sex of my life in there.
Phil: When?!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [clears throat] Excuse me, Ms. Crank. Plank. Ms. Plank?
Mrs. Plank: Yes?
Mitchell: Hi. I sa- Oh. A frowny-face stamp. I didn't know they made those.
Mrs. Plank: I had to special order it from Germany. May I help you?

Quote from Jay

Jay: This place is a great idea, Gloria. Did I ever tell you this is where I first tried pretzel bread?

Quote from Phil

George: So, this has been fun. It'll be even more fun when you guys move in.
Lisa: Well, even if we raise our offer, who knows if we'll get the house?
Claire: Fortunately, you are getting into bed with the right people.
Phil: Nothing inappropriate, of course.
Claire: Wink, wink.
Phil: But just so there's no misunderstanding, we want you.

Quote from Haley

Phil: Why didn't you stop us?
Haley: Hey, I don't know what you guys are into.
Claire: Oh, my God. What are we gonna do?
Haley: Oh, relax. I'm sure you guys will find a couple that wants to get with you.

Quote from Jay

Jay: You're the one that owes the apology to me.
Earl: Oh, yeah? Closetcon, 1998. You sabotaged my booth.
Jay: That thing collapsed because it was cheap and bought in the orient. Like your wife.

Quote from Jay

Earl: This is the big stud who's been groping my Sophie?
Manny: Sir, I promise you there's nothing untoward between me and Sophie.
Earl: [chuckles] You know what, kid? I believe you.
Gloria: And you should. He's the sweetest boy in the whole world!
Jay: No, he's not!
Earl: Pritchett, I wish I had a number-10 mirror so you could see the look on your face right now. Hey, this is nice. I think I am gonna call it the "sock 'n' roll."
Jay: The hell you are. ... Damn! That's a good name.


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