Jay: [aside to camera] Gloria's always saying we should do more stuff together. So I agreed to watch this crazy Colombian soap opera she loves.
Gloria: "Fuego y hielo."
Jay: Which apparently, is Spanish for "big hair and yelling."
Gloria: "Fire and ice." It's about human suffering. I relate to it.
Jay: I'm just saying, the guy's a judge. He can put a shirt on.

Claire: [aside to camera] Phil is taking Haley to visit his Alma Mater.
Phil: Loved college.
Claire: Mm, we were hoping some of that enthusiasm rubs off on her. Go, bullfrogs!
Phil: Dogs. Bulldogs. I feel like you do that on purpose.
Claire: No, it's just I say "bull, " and I can't remember if it's frogs or dogs.
Phil: When I talk to my old friends from college, do we croak or do we bark?

Holly: Hey, Claire, listen. Uh, if you want, some of the moms are gonna stay and watch "Gone with the wind" in my new screening room. I got Pinot!
Claire: I would love to, but I'm not feeling that great, so I'm probably just gonna go home and rest. Plus I've seen that movie.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: No, I never saw "Gone with the Wind," but I have two kids at sleepovers, and Haley's out of town with Phil. That means I have one night to myself, which happens once every... never. I am not spending it with some gossipy mom who was mean to me in High School. I need a fun night out.

Claire: What the hell is this? No. I asked you guys for a fun night out. Not this. I-I-I need music and dancing and secondhand smoke.
Cameron: Oh, please give this place a chance. It's a great value. The room is so cozy, and the potpies are to die for.
Claire: Are you really comfortable with what you just said? Come on. What happened to the party people who took me to a rave, and I got to wear a tube top, and I stuffed cash in a caged go-go boy's speedo?
Mitchell: We're still party people.
Cameron: Oh, Joanne, before I forget, can I get a punch? One away from a free potpie.
Claire: If that was your gay card, it would be revoked.

Claire: All right, there's, like, a thousand people waiting for wine. I wanna try on a couple of dresses, and then Julian here's gonna take us to a club across town.
Cameron: I think we're gonna go home.
Claire: What? Why? It's 9:30.
Mitchell: It's 9:30?!
Claire: When did you two become such old women? First, you take me to that senior center for porridge, and now you can't even stay up past Luke's bedtime?
Cameron: It's Friday. We get tired on Fridays.
Mitchell: We get very tired.
Claire: I have 3 children. I've been tired since 2005.

Gloria: I bet it's a birthday gift for me.
Jay: Yeah, that sounds right. What's he saying? I've never seen him this mad.
Gloria: Wait a minute. I already found my birthday gift underneath his bed. It's a giant hat. When did hats came back anyway?

Jay: Now she's reaching under the poncho. Like she's gonna shoot Reinaldo. He's the main character, right?
Gloria: That's it. I'm going up there.
Jay: Wait, Gloria. No. Don't go.
Gloria: Why not?
Jay: Think about it. Thirteen-year-old boy talks about girls all day long. We have more security on these computers than the Pentagon. What do you think he's doing up there alone?
Gloria: Do you think he ordered some movies?
Jay: Movies, magazines, whatever the hell.
Gloria: How dare do you say that, Jay?! He's a little boy! He's just a boy.

Cameron: [answering phone] Hey, Longe. Don't be mad at us for leaving.
Longinus: I went back to our spot, and everybody was gone. Who does that to a sister?!
Mitchell: We're sorry, but the sitter called, and, uh, Lily was running a fever. So we feel even worse about dumping Claire on you and your hot date.
Cameron: Who is gorgeous, by the way. Seems super funny, too. Perfect for you.
Longinus: Please, I wish that was a date. He's my trainer, and he's straight.
Cameron: What?
Longinus: Julian's straight.
Cameron: Oh, I love it when a straight person and a gay person go out together.
Longinus: I'd love it a lot more if he was gay.

Haley: What the hell?
Phil: We are leaving.
Haley: I'm having a nice time with-
Phil: With this clown? And by the way, it's a little cliche to pick someone who looks exactly like your dad. I got your number, Pi Chi. I know you.
Haley: Yeah, you do. This is Ben Ford. He's in my class. He's visiting, too.
Ben: You were my T-ball coach. My dad's your doctor. He's right over there.
Haley: What is wrong with you? Are you trying to ruin college for me before I even get here?
Phil: No, I-I'm not. I am so sorry. You are not a clown. You were an excellent backup shortstop. Alecia. Bruce. Go, bullfrogs Dogs! Go, bulldogs.

Jay: [on the phone] Wow. Really? No, it's just a shock, is all.
Gloria: Jay?
Jay: So Celia's carrying the judge's baby. No wonder she shot him. She's hormonal.
Gloria: Who are you talking to?
Jay: The housekeeper. Maria, I've gotta go. Thanks a lot.