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‘Rash Decisions’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Modern Family: Rash Decisions

613. Rash Decisions

Aired February 4, 2015

With Luke giving Phil the teenage cold shoulder, he starts to spend more time with his apprentice Andy. Gloria suspects Joe might be allergic to Stella. Meanwhile, Mitchell develops a new office persona when he does some freelance work for Claire at the closet company.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: We have to get rid of Stella.
Jay: Slow down. We haven't decided anything yet.
Gloria: Yes, we have. It's what's best for Joe.
Manny: And for whatever it's worth, my eyes have stopped itching, I can taste my food, and I have more energy.
Jay: You took a three-hour nap yesterday.
Manny: I was tired from the marathon.
Jay: The "Downton Abbey" marathon?


Quote from Andy

Phil: Andy, 36 hours to the open house. You ready?
Andy: I was born ready. Actually, that's not true. I was two months premature, weighed three and a half pounds.

Quote from Jay

Manny: You know, now that I think about it, I could be allergic to Stella. I've been a little stuffy since we got her.
Jay: You were stuffy long before Stella. Do you not remember scolding that waiter at Chuck E. Cheese for serving you from the right?

Quote from Mitchell

Jay: Okay, guys, listen up. She gets three walks a day. Keep her off the bed. We're training her. No chicken bones. If she starts to wheeze-
Mitchell: Wow. Remember when you dropped me off at summer camp? You barely slowed down the car.
Jay: You never had a condition that made it difficult to breathe.
Mitchell: I was a closeted gay kid at sports camp. I spent the week in mid-faint.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Well, hello. How was your first day back in the closet... business?
Mitchell: That doesn't make any sense. I've never worked here before.
Claire: It's just a gay joke, Mitchell. Don't overthink it.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Jay, we need to talk. I went to an allergist today, and he thinks that Joe's rash is an allergy.
Jay: What a surprise, an allergist found an allergy.
Gloria: He thinks he might be allergic to Stella.
Jay: What? The only reaction this dog gives people is the giggles. I mean, when she tried to lick her own face... [laughs]
Gloria: In my village, if a goat acted that dumb, we wouldn't even eat it.

Quote from Lily

Lily: That must be Grandpa with Stella.
Cameron: Remember, Lily, she's only gonna be here for a week, she's not gonna be our permanent pet.
Lily: Don't tell me, tell Larry. He's been acting jealous all day. [to Larry] You're being crazy!

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I am looking forward to doing a few days of freelance legal work for my dad because, uh, where I work, I've gotten the unfair reputation of being the office nag, which is... See, it's only because I work with a bunch of slobs. I mean, I must tell these people fifty times a day, "Wipe down the microwave," "Clean the coffee pot," "Whose moldy lunch meat is this, Kevin?"
Cameron: So, did they put up much of a fight when you asked for that time off, or...?

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Two days down, one to go, and everybody in the office still loves the new me. Go ahead, leave a dirty coffee filter. Oh, park askew. Laid-back Mitchell doesn't mind. You know, it is really nice to be liked for who you really are pretending to be.

Quote from Alex

Alex: I'm so sorry for wasting your time. This was a big mistake. I'm probably not Princeton material anyways. I mean, I spent most of last night in the back of a squad car.
Vanessa: Wait, what?
Alex: Well, crazy story. My friend Enzo's dream was to run the bases at Dodger Stadium. And I was just like, "Screw it, let's do it." Oh, by the way, cute dress. Is that a Nanette Lepore?
Vanessa: Oh, my God, yes. Good eye. So, what happened next?
Alex: Well, then my friend Lisa tucks her hair up into a baseball cap, and we convince the grounds keeper that she's Justin Bieber and that "Justin" will take a picture with him.
Vanessa: Oh, my God. You're so naughty.
Alex: I love it. You know it, slut. Oh, my God. I am so sorry.

Quote from Jay

Jay: That family is exhausting. I can't believe this.
Gloria: Ah, Jay, I'm so sorry. Maybe you can get a fish!
Jay: 'Cause it's so much cuter driving down the road with your fish's head sticking out the window. Fish!

Quote from Jay

Gloria: No, it can't be my face cream! Ay, please don't make me say goodbye to my face cream!
Jay: Stella was eating it to save Joe!
Manny: But that still doesn't explain why I'm still feeling so much better. I can breathe for th-
Jay: Stella's coming home a hero!

Quote from Jay

Jay: We're back! Funniest thing, Stella fell in love with this dog on our walk, just stared at it lovingly. Turned out to be her reflection in a hubcap. Can you blame her?
Manny: I got an "A" on my history exam, by the way.
Jay: Really, you're competing with the dog? Don't let it bother you, girl.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: This allergy thing is very serious. We need to separate them for a week to see if the rash goes away.
Jay: I don't know if I can go that long without seeing Joe.
Gloria: Not Joe! The dog! I already called Mitch and Cameron. They're gonna take her.
Jay: For a week?! She'll be traumatized! She's very sensitive!
Gloria: She scrapes her butt on the driveway.
Jay: Why don't you like her? She's never done anything to you.
Gloria: Ay, look! My face cream! Do you know how much this costs?
Jay: No. How much?
Gloria: Don't change the subject!

Quote from Andy

Andy: Victorian. Modern. Craftsman. Spanish. European Gothic?
Phil: Andy, it's the castle from "Frozen." I'm sorry, but you're not ready.
Andy: What?
Phil: To hear that you're ready! Congratulations, assistant! I'm moving you up to the next level.
Andy: Holy cow. That was an emotional thrill ride.

Quote from Andy

Phil: This Sunday, you are manning the open house of the Cape Cod on Linden. That means you're gonna be sticking the sign and the balloons on the corner, you're gonna be turning on all the lights, you're gonna be baking all the brownies.
Andy: I will make you proud, sir.
Phil: What else are you gonna do?
Andy: I will make sure people sign in.
Phil: What else?
Andy: When I show someone the master bedroom, I'll say, "This is where the magic happens."
Phil: I'm sold!

Quote from Phil

Andy: Teenagers, huh?
Phil: Yeah, it's been happening more and more, but it's natural. Kids that age want distance. One day, they're holding your hand so tight it hurts. The next day, they're eating the apple you kind of wanted.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Not me. I never turned down an offer to hang with my dad. Luckily for him, he died before my rebellious teenage years.

Quote from Jay

Cameron: [to Stella] Okay, well, now, don't you worry about Wily not woving you yet. Aw, who's the little weeble wobble?
Jay: I can't watch this.

Quote from Haley

Alex: [to the mirror] Oh, I don't know. I guess in my free time, I like to keep up with the latest discoveries in renewable energy.
Haley: Just think, a few more months and you'll never have to deal with this again.
Alex: You know, I don't mind college interviews. I actually like discussing the things that they-
Haley: I was talking to the mirror.

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