Gloria: We have to get rid of Stella.
Jay: Slow down. We haven't decided anything yet.
Gloria: Yes, we have. It's what's best for Joe.
Manny: And for whatever it's worth, my eyes have stopped itching, I can taste my food, and I have more energy.
Jay: You took a three-hour nap yesterday.
Manny: I was tired from the marathon.
Jay: The "Downton Abbey" marathon?

Phil: Andy, 36 hours to the open house. You ready?
Andy: I was born ready. Actually, that's not true. I was two months premature, weighed three and a half pounds.

Manny: You know, now that I think about it, I could be allergic to Stella. I've been a little stuffy since we got her.
Jay: You were stuffy long before Stella. Do you not remember scolding that waiter at Chuck E. Cheese for serving you from the right?

Jay: Okay, guys, listen up. She gets three walks a day. Keep her off the bed. We're training her. No chicken bones. If she starts to wheeze-
Mitchell: Wow. Remember when you dropped me off at summer camp? You barely slowed down the car.
Jay: You never had a condition that made it difficult to breathe.
Mitchell: I was a closeted gay kid at sports camp. I spent the week in mid-faint.

Claire: Well, hello. How was your first day back in the closet... business?
Mitchell: That doesn't make any sense. I've never worked here before.
Claire: It's just a gay joke, Mitchell. Don't overthink it.

Gloria: Jay, we need to talk. I went to an allergist today, and he thinks that Joe's rash is an allergy.
Jay: What a surprise, an allergist found an allergy.
Gloria: He thinks he might be allergic to Stella.
Jay: What? The only reaction this dog gives people is the giggles. I mean, when she tried to lick her own face... [laughs]
Gloria: In my village, if a goat acted that dumb, we wouldn't even eat it.

Lily: That must be Grandpa with Stella.
Cameron: Remember, Lily, she's only gonna be here for a week, she's not gonna be our permanent pet.
Lily: Don't tell me, tell Larry. He's been acting jealous all day. [to Larry] You're being crazy!

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I am looking forward to doing a few days of freelance legal work for my dad because, uh, where I work, I've gotten the unfair reputation of being the office nag, which is... See, it's only because I work with a bunch of slobs. I mean, I must tell these people fifty times a day, "Wipe down the microwave," "Clean the coffee pot," "Whose moldy lunch meat is this, Kevin?"
Cameron: So, did they put up much of a fight when you asked for that time off, or...?

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Two days down, one to go, and everybody in the office still loves the new me. Go ahead, leave a dirty coffee filter. Oh, park askew. Laid-back Mitchell doesn't mind. You know, it is really nice to be liked for who you really are pretending to be.

Alex: I'm so sorry for wasting your time. This was a big mistake. I'm probably not Princeton material anyways. I mean, I spent most of last night in the back of a squad car.
Vanessa: Wait, what?
Alex: Well, crazy story. My friend Enzo's dream was to run the bases at Dodger Stadium. And I was just like, "Screw it, let's do it." Oh, by the way, cute dress. Is that a Nanette Lepore?
Vanessa: Oh, my God, yes. Good eye. So, what happened next?
Alex: Well, then my friend Lisa tucks her hair up into a baseball cap, and we convince the grounds keeper that she's Justin Bieber and that "Justin" will take a picture with him.
Vanessa: Oh, my God. You're so naughty.
Alex: I love it. You know it, slut. Oh, my God. I am so sorry.