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50Quotes from ‘Australia’

Modern Family: Australia

520. Australia

Aired April 23, 2014

The whole family heads down under when Phil follows his mom's wish for him to return to the country where he was conceived. Unfortunately, Phil is in for a rough ridge as he tries to embrace all Australia has to offer. Meanwhile, Jay and Claire let work interrupt their vacation, and Mitchell and Cameron run into an old friend who's made it big on Australian TV.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Are you getting this?
Manny: I'm getting the shot. I'm just not getting what you're trying to do.
Luke: We're in Australia, it's on the bottom of the globe, so everyone here but me is upside-down. It's geography.
Jay: It's a good time to tell you I dropped Luke on his head when he was 1.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I come from the land down under.
Claire: He doesn't.
Phil: I was conceived in Australia on my parents' honeymoon. It was a romantic summer night - their summer - on a blanket in the park. I still have that blanket.
Claire: Phil's mom left us money for a trip there, and when the rest of the family, they all just jumped on board.
Phil: My mom's grandfather was Australian, and she'd spend her summers - their winters - visiting him. It was a very special place for her. She always wanted me to see it.
Claire: Wait you still have that blanket?
Phil: Yeah, silly. It's the one on our bed.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] Claire took the lead on her first project at the company and scored a big one. Best part is, she beat out that arrogant gasbag Earl Norton over at Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets. I wish I could see the look on his stupid face, face, face, face. [laughs]

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: I think this spiritual journey of yours is a wonderful thing. I think it's gonna make you feel closer to your mother.
Phil: I hope so. I miss her. It's the biggest reason I came here to connect. Is that weird?
Gloria: Not at all. I talk to my late grandmother all the time. She would have loved this place. I wonder if she's here with me now. No, she doesn't like to fly.

Quote from Jay

Phil: You sure you don't want some of this vegemite, Gloria? You don't know what you're missing.
Gloria: Ay, I don't eat anything unless I know what's in it.
Jay: I've seen this woman scarf down a pig's nose.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Back in the day, we knew this guy from Australia.
Cameron: New Zealand.
Mitchell: Same thing. He didn't have a lot of friends, and we felt sorry for him, but the truth is, he was kind of annoying.
Cameron: He was one of those guys that was always on. Big relief when his visa ran out. Anyway, through no fault of my own-
Mitchell: Wait, no, wait you announced on Facebook that we were going to Australia, which is where he lives.
Cameron: Fergus invited us to lunch. I couldn't say no.
Mitchell: I could have said no.
Cameron: Which is why you have twelve friends on Facebook.

Quote from Manny

Claire: So, what's first?
Gloria: I think Manny wants to see the opera house.
Manny: Actually, it was a long flight. I was thinking maybe just hang out on Bondi Beach.
Luke: That's a great idea, Manny.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: Bondi Beach is topless.
Luke: Thank you, tripadvisor.

Quote from Gloria

Phil: Let's get this aussie party started!
Claire: Oh, my God. What's wrong with your mouth?
Gloria: Ay! Your lips are huge! I think you're allergic to the ve-he-mi-te.
Phil: No worries.
Jay: I'd be a little worried.

Quote from Haley

Alex: Why weren't you all over that? He's totally gorgeous.
Haley: This country's number-one export is hot surfers. I'm not gonna buy the first one I see. I'm still browsing.

Quote from Lily

Lily: Ooh! Kangaroos! I'm going to buy one.
Haley: Lily, what did I just say?
Lily: I don't know. Something about shoes, probably?
Haley: Your Dad gave you enough money for one souvenir. Don't buy the first thing you see. You'll regret it your whole trip.
Lily: You're right. I have enough regret.

Quote from Luke

Manny: What is this? Not one topless woman.
Luke: Calm down. You're gonna spook the boobs.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: What time did you wake up?
Jay: 5 am. Claire has an incredible work ethic. She's like a young me.
Claire: Ohhh!
Jay: Yung-mi was our accountant from Korea. Died at her desk.

Quote from Phil

Tour Guide: Now, if we're lucky, we'll see some of Australia's more famous indigenous species: kangaroo, dingoes, koala.
Phil: Quick question.
Tour Guide: Oh, good another one.
Phil: Isn't it true that baby kangaroos, or Joeys, are born without hind legs?
Tour Guide: Yes. Once again, you've correctly answered your own question.

Quote from Phil

Gloria: How dumb do they think we are?
Phil: Sometimes, Claire leaves me pictures of food instead of a shopping list.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: I'm so nervous. Are we gonna see Hugh Jackman in a bathing suit? What do we say to Hugh Jackman in a bathing suit?
Cameron: Oh, my God. It's so big.
Mitchell: That's a bit direct, but, you know, he might be flattered. Oh. You're talking about the boat.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Okay, let's get on this boat and fix this. Come on.
Cameron: Yep. Fix it.
Fergus: That's not the boat. They've already gone. Hugh was standing on his deck in a skimpy, little bathing suit, disappointed look on his face.
Mitchell: Wait. I'm s- wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Skimpy?
Cameron: I'm sorry, standing on his what?
Fergus: On his deck.
Cameron: Of the boat. Got it.

Quote from Haley

Lily: Ooh! This one!
Haley: Thank God. Hurry up and buy it.
Lily: Wait. What if there's a better one later? Let's keep looking.
Haley: No, no, no! You are buying that. You're never gonna find anything better. I never found a hotter lifeguard, okay? This is perfect, and it is right in front of you. Here. Thanks.
Hot Guy: Hey. I really love your accent.
Haley: Wow. Thank you.
Lily: [to shop keeper] I would like to return this.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: No, Cam, we deserve this. We deserted our family, we abandoned our daughter, and for what? Huh? We're not just star you-know-what-ers. We're you-know-what-holes!
Cameron: You know Lily's not here, right?

Quote from Alex

Claire: Phil! A wild dog took my laptop!
Alex: Seems like a missed opportunity.

Quote from Alex

Alex: [recording] Sometimes, one must travel halfway across the globe to get the clearest view of home.
Haley: This was my whole flight.
Mitchell: What's she talking about?
Alex: My college-application essay. They want students who are worldly.
Cameron: Oh, why don't you write about our trip to Hawaii when you drank straight from a coconut?
Alex: I feel like Harvard's gonna get a lot of those, so...

Quote from Phil

Phil: Hey, guys, I just wanted to say thanks for being a part of this pilgrimage to majestic Australia, which was once a penal colony.
Mitchell: Penal.
Cameron: Grow up.
Phil: This place was really special to my mom. She actually left me a list of things that she thought we should do: Visit the great barrier reef, see the bush- [Cameron chuckles]
Mitchell: Really?
Phil: And climb the Sydney Harbour Bridge. What do you say, mates?

Quote from Phil

Phil: No worries. That's Australian. I'll, uh, I'll do that one on my own if I have to. I'm just so excited we're all here together.

Quote from Luke

Manny: So, uh, Luke and I are gonna take a break from the sun.
Luke: Yeah. We're kind of tired.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: Tired of not seeing boobs.

Quote from Alex

Alex: [recording] Watching the natives take nourishment from their land has made me acutely aware of the fact that I am just saying words now. What is wrong with me? I'm totally blocked.
Haley: So am I. Scooch.

Quote from Jay

Jay: You got to be kidding me. We got outbid!
Claire: What? By whom?
Jay: I'll give you four guesses.

Quote from Phil

Gloria: Fine! You two go back to work. Phil and I, we're going to walk to the ocean, and we're going to have more fun without you.
Phil: Yeah, we will. No, we won't. Not at all. Why would you guys even say that?

Quote from Mitchell

Fergus: So, after sitting there for 40 minutes, I tell the waitress, "I'm actually in a hurry. Any chance of getting the eggs before they turn into chickens?" You know? And she's a total bogan. She's like, "I've got five tables!" You know how they have the tray? She's sashaying with the legs. "Oh, who's got the waffles?! Who who's got the waffles?!"
Mitchell: All right, we get it. We get it.
Cameron: People are looking.
Fergus: Oh, nothing I can do to stop that.
Mitchell: Well, I can think of one thing.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: What's happening?
Cameron: I don't know. Google him.
Mitchell: I didn't spring for an international data plan.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I just feel bad that Claire and Jay are missing such a beautiful day in this gorgeous country, which is also a continent.
Gloria: You have a lot of facts.
Phil: Uh-huh.

Quote from Manny

Luke: I lost my bathing suit! Manny, help me find it!
Manny: I don't have my nose plug!

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: I cannot believe they let us in here. How famous are you?
Fergus: Well, sometimes, I feel like I'm the one in the zoo. Only difference between me and this guy is I won't pee on you. Right? Seriously, they will pee on you.
Cameron: Oh, for real? He will pee on us?

Quote from Lily

Lily: Where's the next gift shop?
Alex: I cannot look at another souvenir, Lily. You did this.
Haley: Lily, relax. You'll find the perfect one.
Lily: I want to believe you, but that lifeguard was the cutest boy I've ever seen.
Haley: I know.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Jay, I miss you. And besides, I don't know that I can keep Phil safe anymore. I think he's going to die here.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Oh, it's Fergus.
Cameron: What? Why did he text you and not me?
Mitchell: He invited us to a party today on Hugh Jackman's yacht.
Cameron: What?! Not today! No! I want to meet Hugh Jackman!
Mitchell: I do, too. I do, too. But, you know, w-we can't bail on my family again. That makes us complete star you-know-what-ers.

Quote from Alex

Alex: [recording] Walking the paths once trod by the first Australians has made me... what?
Haley: Unbearable?

Quote from Jay

Jay: I just got a text from Earl at closets, closets, closets-
Claire: I know what it's called, Dad.
Jay: Listen to this "Better luck next time. Ha ha." He always knows what to say to get my goat.

Quote from Mitchell

Fergus: Oh, guys. Thank God you're here. Just had the worst fight with Hugh.
Cameron: Oh, no. What happened?
Fergus: I took a shot at Russell Crowe in "Les Mis." Hugh took offense.
Cameron: Oh, well, he has to know Russell was horribly miscast.
Mitchell: He has to know. It's not his fault.
Cameron: It's not his fault.
Mitchell: He was the acting was fine, but...

Quote from Phil

Gloria: Are you okay, Phil?
Phil: Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I just wish Claire was here to see all this. Plus, my foot's twice its normal size, and the mosquitoes are really going after my jellyfish bites.

Quote from Phil

Gloria: You wanted to see a kangaroo, and now you see one. I think this is your mother trying to tell you that the rest of the trip is going to be magical, Phil.
Phil: That is so my mom, to say it with a kangaroo.

Quote from Haley

Lily: No, this one! No, this one! I can't breathe!
Haley: Shopping with Lily is the best birth control in the world.
Alex: [scoffs] Yeah. ... But you know it's not, right?

Quote from Luke

Manny: Penny for your thoughts?
Luke: Boobs.
Manny: Me too! What's our problem? I freaked out when those things came at us.
Luke: I think I could've handled one, but they ganged up on me.

Quote from Luke

Tour Guide: Hey, boys. How would you like to participate in an aboriginal walkabout?
Luke: No, thanks. Why don't you ask those girls over there? This walkabout's for men only.
Manny: Trust me we're not men.
Tour Guide: Sounds like you need this more than anyone. Quick come here.
Luke: Perfect. Now we're wearing makeup.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Oh, my God. Please be cool.
Cameron: I'm always cool. Hello!
Biker: There's some pretty fancy shoes.
Cameron: Thank you?
Mitchell: So, listen, we don't want any trouble, uh, but my my friend and I-
Cameron: "Friend"? Really?
Mitchell: Yeah. We have a little cab problem.
Cameron: Our cab broke down, and we are trying to get to our daughter. The daughter my friend and I have together.
Biker: Well, that ain't right. Daddies should be with their little girls. Seriously, where can I get a pair of them shoes?
Mitchell: He wants your shoes. Give him your shoes.
Cameron: What? All right.
Biker: I don't want your shoes. I want to get me own.
Mitchell: He doesn't want your shoes. Put your shoes on.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Gloria, stop! Let me explain!
Gloria: Fine but the explanation better not be that this is an important account and you're on a deadline and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!
Jay: Oh. Well, I'm gonna need a minute to think.
Gloria: I did not leave Joe, fly across the world, to see you spend all your time working! You're missing the whole vacation!
Jay: You're not the first wife to tell me that.
Gloria: So how many wives need to say it before you listen?
Jay: [seeing Luke and Manny dancing] What's that?
Gloria: I'm not gonna tell you. If you were here, you would know what that is.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: I don't know what that was. But I was not going to give him the satisfaction.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Ow! Damn it! Why, Australia?! Why?!
Wise Australian: Hey, mate. How's it going?! Everything okay here?
Phil: Not really.
Wise Australian: You don't mind me saying, you look a bit beaten up.
Phil: Yeah. I love your country, but your country doesn't love me back. Australia's rejected me.
Wise Australian: You see this right here? That's from a croc bite. This one here on my back I was hit by a tram in Melbourne. This right here, that's an irregular mole. Should probably get that checked out.
Phil: Uh-huh.
Wise Australian: Point is Australia is nice to tourists, but it's tough on its own people. Congratulations, mate. You're one of us.
Phil: Are you saying what I think you're saying?
Wise Australian: I think I am.
Phil: I'm crocodile Dunphy?
Wise Australian: That's not what I was saying at all.
Phil: Is that a kookaburra, which are born blind, or... [the man has disappeared] Mom?

Quote from Alex

Alex: What is a bridge? It's a connecter, a supporter, and sometimes, it's a metaphor for the love-
Haley: Oh, my gosh! Stop!

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: I feel a little guilty sitting up here without the family.
Jay: I don't.
Gloria: Me, either.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Don't you think it's a little rude that they're sitting up there? I would never do that.
Phil: Boy, you tense up fast after a vacation.

Quote from Lily

Cameron: I swear, that's Hugh Jackman up there. I saw him when we boarded.
Mitchell: I don't think it's him.
Cameron: Oh, well, I'm gonna go find out.
Mitchell: Cam, no. Cam, come on.
Lily: Let him go, or none of us will get any sleep.

Quote from Jay

Cameron: Hey, guys. Just saying hi.
Jay: 'Scuse me. I don't think he belongs up here.


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