Cameron: [aside to camera] This week, the world lost a great man, and I lost a mentor. For nearly 60 years, Professor Ringmaster Al Uzielli helped young hopefuls like me find their clown persona.
Mitchell: "Professor Ringmaster"?
Cameron: It's a very prestigious title at Clown College. One step below Piemaster General.

Jay: Kids are looking for role models. Why do you think Fonzie was so popular?
Gloria: He told people that they were rich, but really took their money with his scheme?
Jay: No, that's a- Yes. Those people were victims of a Fonzie scheme.

[montage:]
Manny: Salutations, Wyatt. I'm so glad you're joining me for an afternoon of mirth.
Manny: Ah, good evening, Reuben-San. May I ask you to remove your shoes? Tonight, we are going Japanese.
Manny: Ah! Hebalaboo ridabeley lai mubay rumboo. I invented a new language this morning.

Cameron: [aside to camera] For several years, I was one half of the renowned clown duo Fizbo & Lewis. We were huge.
Mitchell: In children's parties.
Cameron: Anyway, I disbanded the group shortly after I met Mitchell. It's hard to have a relationship and a clown career. That's the reason there are so many single clowns.
Mitchell: Just one of the reasons.
Cameron: Anyway, um, Lewis hasn't spoken to me since. He's still bitter, and I don't blame him. It's kind of like I broke up the Beatles.
Mitchell: Of children's parties.

Manny: [doorbell rings] I got it!
Jay: [o.s.] Remember, pal, keep it simple.
Griffin: Hey, Manny.
Manny: Griffin! Legendary creature of Greek mythology with the head of a lion and wings of an eagle. What'd you say, Jay?
Jay: Never mind.

Claire: Hey, how come you guys haven't accepted my friend requests?
Haley: I didn't know you were on Facebook.
Alex: Yeah. You said it was only for teenagers and people looking to have affairs.
Claire: Well, I figured if you can't fight it- Not the having the affair. That's still bad. No. Not that, but there's nothing wrong with catching up with a few old friends, right? Or doing a little social networking with my B.F.F.s?
Luke: Social networking or social not-working?

Manny: Hey, mom? Is it okay if I have a friend come over tomorrow?
Gloria: Who? Reuben? Or the nervous one that gets the nosebleed?
Manny: It's Griffin Cooper.
Jay: Griffin Cooper?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Griffin Cooper is, by far, the coolest kid in Manny's grade. He's a terrific athlete, he's confident. Manny's a great kid, sure, but he's not exactly cool. He can't even open a door cool.

Mitzi Roth: Hey, Dunphy. You gettin' ready for your one-woman show?
Phil: Mitzi.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Mitzi Roth. A notorious poacher in the world of high-end residential real estate. We call her the "Nightmare on Elm Street". Because she sold a lot of houses on Elm Street.

Mitchell: Well, what do you see in that guy, Cam?
Cameron: Oh, I don't know. Maybe the fact that he doesn't roll his eyes every time I talk about the art of clowning. Like that. He may have had his faults, but we were great together. We had an unspoken language. We finished each other's balloon animals.But you would never know, because you have never been to one of our performances.
Mitchell: Birthday parties.
Cameron: You hate my clown side.
Mitchell: No. No. No. I don't hate it.
Cameron: Just admit it. I basically already know you do.
Mitchell: Okay. Okay. Cards on the table. It's not my favorite thing that you-
Cameron: Oh, how dare you? I am a clown. It's who I am! If you squeeze me, do I not honk? Eye roll!
Mitchell: Oh, like I had a choice!

Manny: Hey, mom. Guess what? Griffin invited us all over to his house for a pool party and barbecue tonight.
Jay: Pool party, huh?
Manny: Yeah, and he said bring your swimsuits. He was pretty adamant about it.
Jay: It's 50 degrees outside.
Gloria: Sounds fun.
Manny: Great. I'll call him.
Jay: You know, you're basically agreeing to a date with a 13-year-old boy.
Gloria: Jay, we use this go get us tables at restaurants, why can't we use this to get Manny a friend?