Previous Episode Next Episode 

41Quotes from ‘Hawaii’

Modern Family: Hawaii

123. Hawaii

Aired May 12, 2010

Jay doesn't feel like relaxing on vacation after a phone call from his brother. Phil tries to make up for their lack of a honeymoon by sending the kids away. Meanwhile, Mitchell and Cameron disagree over how to spend their time on vacation.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] I thought that one of the advantages of marrying an older guy was that I was going to be able to relax. But all this swimming and running and rowing, it's just like how some of my relatives got into this country.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] To tell you the truth, that call from my brother scared the hell out of me. I decided to get in better shape quick. Didn't want to end up like my old man. Although he did die doing what he loved: refusing service to hippies who came into his store.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] When Mitchell and I first met, I may have exaggerated my interest in adventurous travel by implying that I had any. But it's one of the things he loves most about me, and I can't tell him the truth now. It would be like Lewis telling Clark that he didn't like to walk. Side note: We're very good friends with a couple named Lewis and Clark. Clark bought a big, sparkly belt in New Orleans that he calls his Louisiana Purchase.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] In nature, fathers are known to eat their young. Is it because they're delicious? No. It's because they want to give their female- bear, giraffe, what have you- the honeymoon they never had. Just to be clear, I'm not condoning eating your kids, but I sure as heck know why giraffes do it.
Claire: What?

Quote from Luke

Manny: Okay. Let me just say what everyone's thinking. My jacket's a mess. It wouldn't be, but someone used the iron to make grilled cheese.
Luke: I had bread, I had cheese and I had an iron. What was I supposed to do?
Phil: Kids, kids. We don't care.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Actually, Claire and I were supposed to go to Hawaii for our honeymoon.
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Phil: But something else came up.
Claire: I got pregnant with Haley.
Phil: My bad!
Claire: We didn't even have a proper wedding. We just went down to the courthouse on a Tuesday.
Phil: The judge sentenced me to life with no chance of parole.
Claire: You begged me to marry you.
Phil: It's true. I did.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Haley, sweetie, put the phone down and put on some sunscreen. Please? We have got to stay on these kids all day, or else they're gonna burn.
Phil: Totally.
Claire: They put on the littlest bit of sunscreen in the morning, they think it's got them covered for the- Are you watching Gloria in my sunglasses?
Phil: Is she moving in slow motion, or is my brain doing that?

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [aside to camera] The great thing about Cameron is that, uh, he's adventurous, like I am. We-We both like to immerse ourselves in the culture and really get to know the locals.
Cameron: We've made friends all over the world. We're still in touch with Elunga, a man we met on safari in Tanzania.
Mitchell: We actually send him all of our old clothes.
Cameron: He was a very nice man when we met him, but based on his recent letters, I have a small fear he's become a warlord.

Quote from Phil

Phil: So, I was thinking we book a couples' massage. I accidentally looked in on one. They seemed really relaxed until they noticed me.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Come on, sleepy!
Gloria: Ay, Jay!
Jay: Come on, honey! Get out of bed! I just booked us on an outrigger.
Gloria: But it is your birthday. You don't want to sleep in? Come here.
Jay: No, no, I just came from the gym. Guess how much I benched.
Gloria: I don't know. 500 pounds?
Jay: 500 pounds? What am I, a forklift?

Quote from Luke

Luke: Manny is the worst roommate ever. Everything he finds, he folds.
Claire: Sweetie, it's only for a few more days.
Luke: Last night we had a fire drill. Not the hotel. Just us.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: How was it?
Mitchell: Ah! Cameron, it was the most incredible thing I've ever seen in my entire life. You know who else was there?
Cameron: Really? Who?
Mitchell: Elton John.
Cameron: No.
Mitchell: Yes, and he was so blown away by the beauty of it, he sat down at their lavender piano and played "Tiny Dancer." And we bonded, because he too likes adventure.
Cameron: Did that really happen?
Mitchell: No, that didn't really happen. I'm just trying to get back at you for bailing on me.

Quote from Luke

Manny: You know what? Out! I want you out! This isn't working! I don't care where you go, as long as you don't stay here!
Luke: What are you saying?
Manny: What don't you understand about "out"?
Luke: Fine. I'll just move in with my sisters.
Manny: Ooh, hoo! Oh, no! Who will pee all over the bathroom floor?
Luke: I was brushing my teeth at the same time. You try to do that.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Why did you dress her in jungle prints?
Cameron: Because I thought it would be cute!
Mitchell: She's gonna think she's back in Vietnam.
Cameron: Lily! Lily, honey!

Quote from Claire

Claire: You know, honey, if anything were ever to happen to me, I would want you to get remarried.
Phil: Okay.
Claire: Mmm. That was a little fast.
Phil: Oh, no. I just want to make you happy.
Claire: Okay. Any idea of who you would remarry?
Phil: Vicky Conroy probably. She works in my office. She's very organized. The kids love her.
Alex: Are you guys talking about Vicky?
Phil: Yeah.
Alex: Mom, she's awesome.
Phil: Just so you know, if something were to happen to me, I-
Claire: Something's gonna happen to you, all right.

Quote from Jay

Cameron: Aloha, Lily.
Mitchell: Aloha. Oh, wait. Let's do it one more time. The doggy was blocking her face.
Cameron: Yeah, go back.
Jay: No. No! No. We're not doing it a third time.

Quote from Claire

Phil: Oh! Hold on, my bride. Allow me! [grunts]
Claire: What are you doing?
Phil: Being romantic. God, you're solid.
Claire: Sweetie, put me down. Go on.
Phil: Okay. Honey, come on. Let's turn this vacation into a honeymoon.
Claire: Sweet pea, I'm a mom traveling with my kids. For me, this is not a vacation. It's a business trip.

Quote from Manny

Greeter: Aloha! Hi! Welcome to the Four Seasons Maui.
Gloria: What do you think, Manny?
Manny: I'm home.

Quote from Luke

Luke: I can't believe we have our own hotel room.
Manny: Score! There's an iron in here! Don't you want to keep our room neat? You know, in case we entertain.
Luke: Who would we entertain?
Manny: I noticed some lovely tweens down by the kids' club. Maybe we can find a nice spot near them by the pool and send over a couple of virgin mai tais. They may be interested in two sophisticated men like us.
Luke: I am a bathroom martian! Beep, boop, boop. I am from the nebula of the Great Toilet. Beep, boop. Beep, boop, bop.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I want the biggest cheeseburger you got. Instead of salad, I want fries. Instead of fruit, I want chili fries.

Quote from Jay

Cameron: Hey, everybody. We're on our way to see the world's largest banyan tree. Does anybody want to come?
Jay: Now, why in the hell would anyone want to leave paradise, take a hot bus ride to see a tree?

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Hey. I'm gonna go to the gym to work out a little bit. You want to come with me?
Jay: I just ordered an extra-long straw to avoid accidentally doing a sit-up.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Claire, consider this a grand gesture of my love. [grabs Haley's cell phone, throws it in the pool]
Haley: What are you- Oh, my God! Oh! What did you do?
Claire: Phil, what are you thinking? That is an expensive cell phone.
Phil: It's just the beginning. Buckle your seat belt, lady. You're being wooed.

Quote from Phil

Phil: So, what's today's big adventure? I'll bet the kids want to go with you.
Mitchell: Well, it is a big one- the lavender ranch, where they grow 45 different varieties of lavender.
Phil: Forty-five. Hear that, kids? Forty-five different varieties. Yeah, I can't sell that. Go with God.
Cameron: Oh. Well, more lavender for us.

Quote from Luke

Alex: Mom, Haley keeps stealing my iPod.
Haley: All my music is on my phone. What else am I supposed to do?
Luke: Manny watches the news. You guys don't even watch the news.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: I can't.
Mitchell: What?
Cameron: I don't want to go. I know I said I'm not a stay-by-the-pool type of guy, but I really am, Mitchell.
Mitchell: What are you saying?
Cameron: I'm saying that I like adventure, but not every minute of every day. Can you just go by yourself?
Mitchell: But the lavender ranch- It's- It's something two men are meant to do together.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Think about what you're missing, Cam. It's an entire ranch full of lavender.
Cameron: You're not making the compelling case you think you are!

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hey, you little monkey! [screams] No standing around! [throws Alex into the pool] There you go! Here goes another one! [throws Manny into the pool] There you go! Here comes another one! [throws an Asian gentleman into the pool] There you go! I thought you were one of ours!

Quote from Phil

Haley: Mom! Dad!
Phil: Ignore her. That could be anyone.
Haley: Phil and Claire Dunphy?

Quote from Phil

Claire: Oh, God. That feels weird and good all at once.
Phil: I know. I was leaning up against that nozzle a minute ago.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: If it means anything, we've been relaxing here doing nothing. Maybe you can join us tomorrow.
Mitchell: No, I can't- I just don't- I don't find relaxing that relaxing.
Cameron: I understand. You are who you are. Leilani.
Mitchell: You know what? I think it's because of my parents.
Cameron: It always is. Kipu!
Mitchell: I mean, vacation with my mom and dad was them sitting around like statues when, you know, the only thing that me and Claire could do for excitement was- Oh. Was sit around and listen to my skin sizzle.
Cameron: You poor thing. Sue?
Mitchell: So, that's, like- That's why, when I'm on vacation, I want to go out and meet the locals. I want to immerse myself in the culture, you know? I don't want to sloth around- Ah! Sweet Lady Gaga, that is good. Oh, thank you. Mmm. What's this called?
Cameron: Happiness.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: So sorry I'm late. Where is Jay?
Phil: He's not with you?
Gloria: No, he came down long time ago.
Phil: Oh, don't worry. I'll go have a look around.
Gloria: Yeah, he's probably in the ocean trying to pull a tugboat with his teeth.

Quote from Alex

Claire: Well, look who decided to join us. And where is your sister?
Alex: She is in our bathroom throwing up.
Claire: Well, what happened?
Alex: You're not going to like this as much as I do, but she's drunk.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Oh, my God.
Haley: I'm so sorry.
Claire: Oh, my God. Wow. What were you thinking?
Haley: One of the kids had an I.D., and she bought some drinks. Mm-hmm. I tried one, and then another one. It was stupid.
Claire: Yes. Yes, it was stupid, but you are really lucky that this did not end as badly as it could have. This is why we always say to you when you drink, you make bad decisions.
Haley: I know, I know. I just- [sighs]
Claire: One minute you're having wine coolers at homecoming, and the next the game of Truth or Claire sweeps your high school.
Haley: Thanks for not yelling at me.
Claire: Oh, honey. That would just be cruel. I'II wait till you feel better to yell.

Quote from Phil

Phil: By the way, I just want to thank you for this trip. It's really been a vacation of a lifetime. [to passersby] Nothing weird! Aloha. [to Jay] I keep my wallet in my front pocket, so that's- that's what that is.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Anyone! Anyone, help!
Cameron: Alert security! Seal off the island!

Quote from Phil

Phil: We say we'll make time, but life gets in the way. I mean, I know we're parents, but can't we be lovers too?
Jay: This may be my worst birthday ever.

Quote from Phil

Phil: He was stuck in a hammock. It was actually really funny. I was on top of him for, like, 20 minutes.
Jay: You need to go now.
Phil: Good night.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: You'd have liked him- my old man.
Gloria: I'm sure.
Jay: And he'd have loved you. My God, that guy- He was a charmer.
Gloria: Mmm, I know the type.
Jay: And we had a lot of fun. But I'll tell you something. Our family vacations were nothing like this here. One week a year in a rented cottage on Lake Erie, spiders this big. [chuckles] I just wish he could have seen how things turned out.
Gloria: Well, if you keep going like this, maybe you can tell him yourself. Or I can tell him, because you're about to kill me, Jay. My legs, my arms, my back- everything is sore.
Jay: So I wore you out, huh?
Gloria: Oh, no, no, no. Don't get cocky, old man. When I sit down, I can still get up.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] The rest of the trip went better. Haley's room stopped spinning. Jay got back to the vacation he always wanted. And Mitch and Cam managed to do some sightseeing at a working banana plantation- Where they promptly lost Lily again. Me and Claire, we- we had a great time. But we never did get that honeymoon.

Quote from Phil

Phil: No, it's over. But wait. Put a few seconds back on the clock. The kid still has a few moves.
Claire: Oh, my God.
Phil: I figured out why we couldn't have a honeymoon. Because we never had a wedding.
Claire: Oh, my God.
Phil: I still can't tell if you think this is lame or cool.
Claire: Honey, it's incredibly cool.


 Episode 122 Episode 124