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Season 1, Episode 23 -  Aired May 12, 2010

Jay doesn't feel like relaxing on vacation after a phone call from his brother. Phil tries to make up for their lack of a honeymoon by sending the kids away. Meanwhile, Mitchell and Cameron disagree over how to spend their time on vacation.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] I thought that one of the advantages of marrying an older guy was that I was going to be able to relax. But all this swimming and running and rowing, it's just like how some of my relatives got into this country.


Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] When Mitchell and I first met, I may have exaggerated my interest in adventurous travel by implying that I had any. But it's one of the things he loves most about me, and I can't tell him the truth now. It would be like Lewis telling Clark that he didn't like to walk. Side note: We're very good friends with a couple named Lewis and Clark. Clark bought a big, sparkly belt in New Orleans that he calls his Louisiana Purchase.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] In nature, fathers are known to eat their young. Is it because they're delicious? No. It's because they want to give their female- bear, giraffe, what have you- the honeymoon they never had. Just to be clear, I'm not condoning eating your kids, but I sure as heck know why giraffes do it.
Claire: What?

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] To tell you the truth, that call from my brother scared the hell out of me. I decided to get in better shape quick. Didn't want to end up like my old man. Although he did die doing what he loved: refusing service to hippies who came into his store.

Quote from Claire

Claire: You know, honey, if anything were ever to happen to me, I would want you to get remarried.
Phil: Okay.
Claire: Mmm. That was a little fast.
Phil: Oh, no. I just want to make you happy.
Claire: Okay. Any idea of who you would remarry?
Phil: Vicky Conroy probably. She works in my office. She's very organized. The kids love her.
Alex: Are you guys talking about Vicky?
Phil: Yeah.
Alex: Mom, she's awesome.
Phil: Just so you know, if something were to happen to me, I-
Claire: Something's gonna happen to you, all right.

Quote from Luke

Manny: Okay. Let me just say what everyone's thinking. My jacket's a mess. It wouldn't be, but someone used the iron to make grilled cheese.
Luke: I had bread, I had cheese and I had an iron. What was I supposed to do?
Phil: Kids, kids. We don't care.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Actually, Claire and I were supposed to go to Hawaii for our honeymoon.
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Phil: But something else came up.
Claire: I got pregnant with Haley.
Phil: My bad!
Claire: We didn't even have a proper wedding. We just went down to the courthouse on a Tuesday.
Phil: The judge sentenced me to life with no chance of parole.
Claire: You begged me to marry you.
Phil: It's true. I did.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Haley, sweetie, put the phone down and put on some sunscreen. Please? We have got to stay on these kids all day, or else they're gonna burn.
Phil: Totally.
Claire: They put on the littlest bit of sunscreen in the morning, they think it's got them covered for the- Are you watching Gloria in my sunglasses?
Phil: Is she moving in slow motion, or is my brain doing that?

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [aside to camera] The great thing about Cameron is that, uh, he's adventurous, like I am. We-We both like to immerse ourselves in the culture and really get to know the locals.
Cameron: We've made friends all over the world. We're still in touch with Elunga, a man we met on safari in Tanzania.
Mitchell: We actually send him all of our old clothes.
Cameron: He was a very nice man when we met him, but based on his recent letters, I have a small fear he's become a warlord.

Quote from Phil

Phil: So, I was thinking we book a couples' massage. I accidentally looked in on one. They seemed really relaxed until they noticed me.

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