Gloria: [aside to camera] I thought that one of the advantages of marrying an older guy was that I was going to be able to relax. But all this swimming and running and rowing, it's just like how some of my relatives got into this country.

Cameron: [aside to camera] When Mitchell and I first met, I may have exaggerated my interest in adventurous travel by implying that I had any. But it's one of the things he loves most about me, and I can't tell him the truth now. It would be like Lewis telling Clark that he didn't like to walk. Side note: We're very good friends with a couple named Lewis and Clark. Clark bought a big, sparkly belt in New Orleans that he calls his Louisiana Purchase.

Phil: [aside to camera] In nature, fathers are known to eat their young. Is it because they're delicious? No. It's because they want to give their female- bear, giraffe, what have you- the honeymoon they never had. Just to be clear, I'm not condoning eating your kids, but I sure as heck know why giraffes do it.
Claire: What?

Jay: [aside to camera] To tell you the truth, that call from my brother scared the hell out of me. I decided to get in better shape quick. Didn't want to end up like my old man. Although he did die doing what he loved: refusing service to hippies who came into his store.

Claire: You know, honey, if anything were ever to happen to me, I would want you to get remarried.
Phil: Okay.
Claire: Mmm. That was a little fast.
Phil: Oh, no. I just want to make you happy.
Claire: Okay. Any idea of who you would remarry?
Phil: Vicky Conroy probably. She works in my office. She's very organized. The kids love her.
Alex: Are you guys talking about Vicky?
Phil: Yeah.
Alex: Mom, she's awesome.
Phil: Just so you know, if something were to happen to me, I-
Claire: Something's gonna happen to you, all right.

Manny: Okay. Let me just say what everyone's thinking. My jacket's a mess. It wouldn't be, but someone used the iron to make grilled cheese.
Luke: I had bread, I had cheese and I had an iron. What was I supposed to do?
Phil: Kids, kids. We don't care.

Phil: [aside to camera] Actually, Claire and I were supposed to go to Hawaii for our honeymoon.
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Phil: But something else came up.
Claire: I got pregnant with Haley.
Phil: My bad!
Claire: We didn't even have a proper wedding. We just went down to the courthouse on a Tuesday.
Phil: The judge sentenced me to life with no chance of parole.
Claire: You begged me to marry you.
Phil: It's true. I did.

Claire: Haley, sweetie, put the phone down and put on some sunscreen. Please? We have got to stay on these kids all day, or else they're gonna burn.
Phil: Totally.
Claire: They put on the littlest bit of sunscreen in the morning, they think it's got them covered for the- Are you watching Gloria in my sunglasses?
Phil: Is she moving in slow motion, or is my brain doing that?

Mitchell: [aside to camera] The great thing about Cameron is that, uh, he's adventurous, like I am. We-We both like to immerse ourselves in the culture and really get to know the locals.
Cameron: We've made friends all over the world. We're still in touch with Elunga, a man we met on safari in Tanzania.
Mitchell: We actually send him all of our old clothes.
Cameron: He was a very nice man when we met him, but based on his recent letters, I have a small fear he's become a warlord.

Phil: So, I was thinking we book a couples' massage. I accidentally looked in on one. They seemed really relaxed until they noticed me.