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44Quotes from ‘Frank's Wedding’

Modern Family: Frank's Wedding

819. Frank's Wedding

Aired April 5, 2017

When the Dunphy family shows up for Frank's wedding dressed as 1920s gangsters, Claire and the kids decide it's time for a "fun-tervention" with Phil. Jay has mastered the art of saying no to his family, but he is starting to feel left out. Meanwhile, Mitchell decides he's no longer going to let Cameron hide behind him when it comes to standing up to Pam.

Quote from Joe

Manny: I guess I can go out on the roof and check for monster slobber.
Joe: Okay.
Gloria: No! If he falls from the roof and dies, his ghost will haunt you forever.
Joe: Oh, boy. I do not need a ghost.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Maybe I do overdo it. I remember your mother was really ticked off at me at your baptism when I kept pretending the holy water was boiling. [Phil laughs] Ouch! Ouch! Okay, we don't have to do anything crazy today. Don't worry about it.
Phil: Thanks, Pops.
Frank: But, wait, you're still gonna do my funeral the way we talked about, right?
Phil: That recording of you banging on that piece of wood screaming, "Let me out of here!"
Frank: [laughs] It's a real shame I'm gonna miss that.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I'm turning 70 next year. I know, I look great. One of the few perks of getting up there is the ability to say no without guilt. "Can I have a ride to the airport?" No. Do I want to see your niece's recital? Nuh-unh. "Want to do a walk-a-thon to end global..." I'm gonna stop you right there.

Quote from Manny

Joe: Look, my window's open! Maybe that's how he got in.
Manny: Impossible. If he came across the roof, there'd be broken tiles or monster prints or...
[aside to camera:]
Manny: My monogrammed money clip. I snuck in through Joe's window last night because it was past curfew, and I must have dropped my clip on the roof. I needed to get it before Mom saw. I can't afford to get grounded. David Sedaris is coming to Barnes and Noble on a school night.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I'm sorry. I thought this would be fun.
Claire: Yes, but your idea of fun is often our idea of a horror show.
Luke: When you picked me up from school in that hot-dog car.
Haley: Repeatedly screaming, "That's what I'm talking about!" at my graduation.
Alex: Walking into my science fair on stilts.
Phil: Your exhibit was on daddy long legs. I had no choice!

Quote from Phil

Phil: "For man can no more survive without love than a cooper without his billhook, nor a whaler less his flensing knife." Words as true today as they were when they were written 18,000 years ago. That can't be right.

Quote from Cameron

Pam: Oh, no, I think my water just broke.
Cameron: Is it on me?!
Pam: I'm fixing to reproduce right now! Call 811.
Cameron: No, Mitchell, that's for livestock. Call 911.

Quote from Cameron

Lily: Cake for breakfast? Now we're talking.
Cameron: No, don't touch that! I'm making that for Uncle Pepper's costume party tonight. The theme is famous movie duos. Daddy and I are going as Leo and the "Revenant" bear.
Mitchell: [growls]

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] Joe hasn't slept in that chewed-up sweater snagger in years, but Gloria won't let me get rid of anything the kid has ever touched, so I needed a plan. Fortunately, when you say no to everything, it frees up time to concoct ingenious schemes.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Look, Joe, there's no monsters anywhere. There's nothing underneath the bed, nothing inside the teepee.
Joe: Are you sure?
Gloria: Yes, monsters need places to hide. They're not like the evil spirits, which are all around us.
Joe: What?
Gloria: No, no, nothing, baby.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Manny, help me out in the garage.
Manny: Do I get to say no to things I don't want to do?
Jay: No, at your age, it's unlikable. At my age, it's delightful.

Quote from Mitchell

Glenda: You're absolutely unremarkable! Terry, get out here!
Terry: This better not be another false... [gasps] I can't not take my eyes off him.
Mitchell: Oh, I'm... I'm not here to audition.
Glenda: Say that again.
Terry: Yes, I've already forgotten what you said. [sighs] When they made him, they kept the mold.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [ringtone playing] Oh, quick. What nickname did Jennifer Lopez steal from Jon Lovitz? J... Never mind. [answers phone] Hello? Yes, the rings.
Luke: Wow. He didn't say "J-Lo."
Haley: He also heard that siren and didn't say, "There's my ride." Did we break Dad?
Claire: And when was the last time you saw him pick up a can of whipped cream and not do his "I've got rabies" gag? Oh, my God. Did we go too far? Have we knocked the fun out of him?

Quote from Luke

Haley: Ew, they're spending their wedding night right next door?
Luke: Calm down. The loudest noise you're gonna hear is Grandpa getting out of a chair.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] The thing about saying no, you say it too much, people just stop asking. [laughter in distance]

Quote from Pam

Mitchell: Why are you flipping out? I-I am not in competition with you.
Pam: Oh, so now you think I'm crazy?!
Mitchell: N-No.
Pam: Well, maybe I am crazy, but I have a damn good reason. Connect the dots, you dummy. I'm wearing real loose clothes. I need money real bad. My hair is lustrous like a lion's mane.
Mitchell: Uh, you're in love?
Pam: No, the opposite! I'm pregnant!

Quote from Pam

Pam: The family didn't want me to get back together with Beau on account of he's six-parts Chicopee and married, but I did it anyway, and now he's in County for punching a police horse in the face. And if they find out, then they'll just know that everyone was right about me being such a screw-up.
Mitchell: Oh, Pam, I-I had no idea.
Pam: I mean, how many months along are you?
Pam: Oh, all of them. All of them. Yeah, go ahead. Condemn me. I can see the judgment all over that generic face of yours. This strap is cutting into me like a piano wire.

Quote from Pam

Cameron: Well, I have good news. Mitchell and I are early contenders to win the best costume in the human/animal category. What are you doing?
Pam: Self-comforting with food.
Cameron: I've been working on that all morning, and it is for a party tonight.
Pam: What are a bunch of gays gonna do with a cake but stand around screeching about how pretty it is?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Sometimes life can be simpler than we think. We're born. We die. And in between, if we're lucky, we laugh. Which makes the journey worth taking. With that in mind, do you, Frank Dunphy, the silliest man I know, take Lorraine to be your long-suffering wife?
Frank: I do.
Phil: You may kiss the tomato.

Quote from Haley

Phil: Listen up. Any of youse goes stool-pigeon on me, you'll find yourself in a Chicago overcoat.
Claire: Honey, you're not gonna talk like that all the way to the wedding, are you?
Haley: Or all the way to that overpass?
Alex: Hey, at least you look cute. Who picked my outfit?
Haley: I did.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] My dad and Lorraine decided to have a 1920s-themed wedding. Such a romantic time.
Claire: Yeah, dust bowls, the Klan, Prohibition.
Phil: Oh, I'm... I'm sure they'll have alcohol.

Quote from Alex

Phil: Self-serve? I guess the grease monkeys must be out back shooting dice.
Alex: Can they come out here and shoot us?

Quote from Phil

Phil: What do you say those pretty peepers of yours never saw the famous gangster Phillinger and his ex-prostitute getaway driver?

Quote from Phil

Haley: Mom, you need to control your man. I cannot listen to this character all day.
Claire: Guys, you know your dad. You know your dad's dad. We are up against unimaginable forces of goofy. Just remember he does it out of love.
Phil: It's Johnny Law! Let's hot-foot it!

Quote from Jay

Jay: What the hell is all this?
Gloria: I got a rush order for my sauce, and the kitchen that I usually use was booked, so I have to do everything myself.
Jay: You know, I think I slept funny last night.
Gloria: No, don't. I know better than to ask for your help.
Jay: Ah, good, 'cause I have a tee time.

Quote from Joe

Joe: Was anyone in my room last night?
Gloria: Not after I tucked you in.
Joe: Great. I have a monster.
Manny: I'm sure you're mistaken.
Joe: Nope. And we have to catch him before I go to bed tonight.
Jay: Joe, there's no such thing as monsters.
Joe: Calm down. I'm not gonna ask you to help.
Joe: Shaping up like a pretty good year.

Quote from Pam

Mitchell: [aside to camera] It's taken me a long time, but I've finally learned that when it comes to Cam's sister, anything I say can and will be used against me.
[flashback:]
Cameron: Do you think maybe we should, you know, have the bartender cut Pam off?
Mitchell: Oh, God, you know what? She is getting a little bit messy.
Cameron: Uh, Pam, Mitchell thinks you're kind of making a fool out of yourself.
Pam: Go to hell, Mitchell! You go straight to hell! Whoo!

Quote from Pam

Mitchell: So what brings you into town?
Pam: Modeling.
Mitchell: Oh.
Cameron: I'm sorry. Modeling?
Pam: Real-person modeling. Back home, they put me on a billboard for the feed store, and I caught the bug.
Mitchell: Oh. Wow.
Pam: Next stop, Hollywood.

Quote from Pam

Cameron: So how long are you gonna be in town?
Pam: Well, who's to say?
Cameron: Well, I was hoping it'd be you.
Pam: You can't put a date on a dream.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Quite the shindig, huh? You mooks cool your heels. I'll grab some hooch for this parakeet.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Phil, why are we the only ones in costume?
Phil: Oh, you're right, doll. Something's screwy. The invitation clearly said "gangster attire optional."
Alex: Optional?!
Phil: Ow!
Ray: You dumbasses actually did it! Jerry, get this!
Claire: No, Jerry, don't get this.
Phil: Uh, everyone, this is Lorraine's son, Ray.
Ray: Mother-daughter, my favorite search category.
Claire: Shouldn't you be partially upright on a "stages of man" chart somewhere?

Quote from Phil

Claire: Honey, you need to hear this right now. Your family's embarrassed.
Haley: We're the only ones in costumes.
Luke: You do this all the time.
Alex: I'm wearing wool underwear.
Phil: That's an extra step you chose to take.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Well, look, it's Pretty Boy Dunphy.
Phil: Looking good yourself, Pops. How, uh... how you doing?
Frank: Well, I got my rings, got my vows. Now all I need is a way to escape. Please, someone help. [laughs] I'm kidding, of course. Actually, I'm really looking forward to being married.
Phil: Then- Then what's with the getaway bag?
Frank: Oh, I got to ask you to help me out with what I think is a doozy of a surprise. Come here. Get this. Mid-ceremony, you know, when you ask if anyone has any objections?
Phil: Yeah?
Frank: I'm gonna pull out a Tommy gun and tell you to skip that part.
Phil: Sweet maple syrup. I like it.
Frank: I'm just getting warmed up. I got a script, prop guns, exploding paint capsules. I even hired a few of the local theater people to help out.
Phil: And, uh, and Lorraine's cool with all this?
Frank: That's the beauty part. She doesn't know a thing about it 80% of comedy is surprise. The other 20% is wordplay.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Geez, it seems like Joe's crib's damaged beyond repair!
Gloria: No, no, it's fine. It just Froggered across the street. Leave it there. The garbage man is coming tomorrow.
Jay: And you're fine with that? You're attached to everything related to that kid.
Gloria: Yeah, but not to that stupid crib. Do you know how many clothes I've ruined walking by it? Nice dresses, sweaters, a pair of high heels?
Jay: How do you snag a pair of high heels?
Gloria: I kicked that stupid thing. How else?

Quote from Joe

Joe: I got you now, monster!
Manny: Wait, wait, wait, stop! It's me, Manny.
Joe: Prove it. Do I like vegetables?
Manny: Only with ketchup.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Can you believe her? She just barges into our life and expects us to drop everything and invest in this crazy dream.
Mitchell: Well, she really does look like someone who just broke her mop.

Quote from Alex

Luke: Are you looking at me? Are you looking at me?
Alex: Please tell me you're doing a scene from a movie and not confused about what a mirror is.

Quote from Claire

Claire: How are you feeling?
Lorraine: Well, you'd think on my fourth marriage, I wouldn't be this nervous.
Claire: Ah, I guess it never gets easier. I remember my wedding. My stomach was filled with butterflies. And Haley.

Quote from Luke

Lorraine: I've always married such serious men. Frank is not that at all.
Claire: Oh, I know, but if you can see past that.
Lorraine: Past that?
Claire: Yeah, he's got a lot of wonderful qualities, too.
Lorraine: Oh, sweetie, you're missing it.
Claire: All my ex-husbands were accomplished, serious men, but bone-dry. A day hasn't gone by that Frank hasn't made me laugh. [chuckles] I hope I keep up.
Claire: Oh.
Lorraine: But who am I telling? [chuckles] You got lucky, too.

Quote from Joe

Jay: Hey, hey, hey, hey. What's going on?
Gloria: Oh, nothing. We're painting Joe's wall with monster repellent to protect him.
Jay: Looks like you're having fun, huh?
Gloria: Honey, don't worry. We're not gonna ask you to do anything.
Jay: The trick to the corners is if you...
Manny: Yeah, yeah, we got it.
Joe: Go fix yourself a drink!

Quote from Pam

Pam: You stole my dream.
Mitchell: Okay, would you please stop saying that?
Pam: If you hadn't distracted those ninnies with your striking regularness, they would have put me in a national TV ad campaign instead of neither of us!

Quote from Claire

Phil: Frank and Lorraine, today marks the public and legal joining of your souls, marriage being above all else, a contract. [woman coughs] Uh, one of my favorite authors once wrote, "If love is not all, then it is nothing. This principle, and its opposite, collide down all the years of... of my breathless tale." [man yawns]
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Seeing Phil bomb up there, I felt like a mama bird who had just nudged her chick out of the nest without a single pun to break his fall.

Quote from Luke

Phil: Now is the moment when I ask if anyone here has reason to object to the union of these two people. Thank you.
Claire: [as a '20s gangster] I object! I object to you not handing over those diamond rings, Preacher!
Luke: [ditto] You heard her. Hand over the ice, or I fill you full of... lead ["lee-d"].
Alex: Lead!

Quote from Luke

Phil: Honey, what are you doing?
Claire: Sorry, Padre, you had your chance. I now pronounce you dead! [scattered shots]
Phil: When in the world did...
Claire: A lot of questions for a cadaver!
Phil: Ohh! Ohh!
Haley: Don't you see? These twos is in on it together!
Luke: Mind your own potatoes, Daisy.
Haley: Ohh!
Lorraine: Excuse me. This is my wedding and your funeral! And one for the choir boy!
Luke: Missed me.


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