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‘Frank's Wedding’ Quotes

Modern Family: Frank's Wedding

819. Frank's Wedding

Aired April 5, 2017

When the Dunphy family shows up for Frank's wedding dressed as 1920s gangsters, Claire and the kids decide it's time for a "fun-tervention" with Phil. Jay has mastered the art of saying no to his family, but he is starting to feel left out. Meanwhile, Mitchell decides he's no longer going to let Cameron hide behind him when it comes to standing up to Pam.

Quote from Joe

Manny: I guess I can go out on the roof and check for monster slobber.
Joe: Okay.
Gloria: No! If he falls from the roof and dies, his ghost will haunt you forever.
Joe: Oh, boy. I do not need a ghost.

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Quote from Frank

Frank: Maybe I do overdo it. I remember your mother was really ticked off at me at your baptism when I kept pretending the holy water was boiling. [Phil laughs] Ouch! Ouch! Okay, we don't have to do anything crazy today. Don't worry about it.
Phil: Thanks, Pops.
Frank: But, wait, you're still gonna do my funeral the way we talked about, right?
Phil: That recording of you banging on that piece of wood screaming, "Let me out of here!"
Frank: [laughs] It's a real shame I'm gonna miss that.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I'm turning 70 next year. I know, I look great. One of the few perks of getting up there is the ability to say no without guilt. "Can I have a ride to the airport?" No. Do I want to see your niece's recital? Nuh-unh. "Want to do a walk-a-thon to end global..." I'm gonna stop you right there.

Quote from Manny

Joe: Look, my window's open! Maybe that's how he got in.
Manny: Impossible. If he came across the roof, there'd be broken tiles or monster prints or...
[aside to camera:]
Manny: My monogrammed money clip. I snuck in through Joe's window last night because it was past curfew, and I must have dropped my clip on the roof. I needed to get it before Mom saw. I can't afford to get grounded. David Sedaris is coming to Barnes and Noble on a school night.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I'm sorry. I thought this would be fun.
Claire: Yes, but your idea of fun is often our idea of a horror show.
Luke: When you picked me up from school in that hot-dog car.
Haley: Repeatedly screaming, "That's what I'm talking about!" at my graduation.
Alex: Walking into my science fair on stilts.
Phil: Your exhibit was on daddy long legs. I had no choice!

Quote from Phil

Phil: "For man can no more survive without love than a cooper without his billhook, nor a whaler less his flensing knife." Words as true today as they were when they were written 18,000 years ago. That can't be right.

Quote from Cameron

Pam: Oh, no, I think my water just broke.
Cameron: Is it on me?!
Pam: I'm fixing to reproduce right now! Call 811.
Cameron: No, Mitchell, that's for livestock. Call 911.

Quote from Cameron

Lily: Cake for breakfast? Now we're talking.
Cameron: No, don't touch that! I'm making that for Uncle Pepper's costume party tonight. The theme is famous movie duos. Daddy and I are going as Leo and the "Revenant" bear.
Mitchell: [growls]

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] Joe hasn't slept in that chewed-up sweater snagger in years, but Gloria won't let me get rid of anything the kid has ever touched, so I needed a plan. Fortunately, when you say no to everything, it frees up time to concoct ingenious schemes.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Look, Joe, there's no monsters anywhere. There's nothing underneath the bed, nothing inside the teepee.
Joe: Are you sure?
Gloria: Yes, monsters need places to hide. They're not like the evil spirits, which are all around us.
Joe: What?
Gloria: No, no, nothing, baby.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Manny, help me out in the garage.
Manny: Do I get to say no to things I don't want to do?
Jay: No, at your age, it's unlikable. At my age, it's delightful.

Quote from Mitchell

Glenda: You're absolutely unremarkable! Terry, get out here!
Terry: This better not be another false... [gasps] I can't not take my eyes off him.
Mitchell: Oh, I'm... I'm not here to audition.
Glenda: Say that again.
Terry: Yes, I've already forgotten what you said. [sighs] When they made him, they kept the mold.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [ringtone playing] Oh, quick. What nickname did Jennifer Lopez steal from Jon Lovitz? J... Never mind. [answers phone] Hello? Yes, the rings.
Luke: Wow. He didn't say "J-Lo."
Haley: He also heard that siren and didn't say, "There's my ride." Did we break Dad?
Claire: And when was the last time you saw him pick up a can of whipped cream and not do his "I've got rabies" gag? Oh, my God. Did we go too far? Have we knocked the fun out of him?

Quote from Luke

Haley: Ew, they're spending their wedding night right next door?
Luke: Calm down. The loudest noise you're gonna hear is Grandpa getting out of a chair.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] The thing about saying no, you say it too much, people just stop asking. [laughter in distance]

Quote from Pam

Mitchell: Why are you flipping out? I-I am not in competition with you.
Pam: Oh, so now you think I'm crazy?!
Mitchell: N-No.
Pam: Well, maybe I am crazy, but I have a damn good reason. Connect the dots, you dummy. I'm wearing real loose clothes. I need money real bad. My hair is lustrous like a lion's mane.
Mitchell: Uh, you're in love?
Pam: No, the opposite! I'm pregnant!

Quote from Pam

Pam: The family didn't want me to get back together with Beau on account of he's six-parts Chicopee and married, but I did it anyway, and now he's in County for punching a police horse in the face. And if they find out, then they'll just know that everyone was right about me being such a screw-up.
Mitchell: Oh, Pam, I-I had no idea.
Pam: I mean, how many months along are you?
Pam: Oh, all of them. All of them. Yeah, go ahead. Condemn me. I can see the judgment all over that generic face of yours. This strap is cutting into me like a piano wire.

Quote from Pam

Cameron: Well, I have good news. Mitchell and I are early contenders to win the best costume in the human/animal category. What are you doing?
Pam: Self-comforting with food.
Cameron: I've been working on that all morning, and it is for a party tonight.
Pam: What are a bunch of gays gonna do with a cake but stand around screeching about how pretty it is?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Sometimes life can be simpler than we think. We're born. We die. And in between, if we're lucky, we laugh. Which makes the journey worth taking. With that in mind, do you, Frank Dunphy, the silliest man I know, take Lorraine to be your long-suffering wife?
Frank: I do.
Phil: You may kiss the tomato.


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