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50Quotes from ‘New Year's Eve’

Modern Family: New Year's Eve

411. New Year's Eve

Aired January 9, 2013

Jay is excited to take the whole family away to celebrate New Year's at his favorite hotel in Palm Springs. When the hotel isn't all it was cracked up to be, everyone heads out to do their own thing, leaving Jay to slink off to his hotel room. Elsewhere, as Haley and Alex look after Luke, Manny and Lily, they realize the boys are growing up quicker than they thought.

Quote from Gloria

Billy Dee Williams: Oh, what's the matter with everybody? It's early yet.
Jay: Yeah, I'm having fun for the first time since I got here.
Gloria: Jay?
Jay: How long has she been there?
Gloria: What are you doing here?
Jay: Gloria. Everybody ditched me, these guys invited me to play poker, and look who I'm sitting next to.
Gloria: Eh...
Billy Dee Williams: Oh, she has no idea. Hello, I'm Billy Dee Williams.
Gloria: Hello. I'm Gloria Dee wife.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Oh, my God. A classic Rolls Corniche. I have been in love with this car my whole life. In my village, if you didn't drive one of these, you couldn't call yourself a drug lord.
Billy Dee Williams: Would you like to drive it?
Gloria: Does the bear sit in the woods?
Jay: Classic Charo.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: They were for the New Year's.
Jay: Oh, right. What's that goofy thing again?
Gloria: It's not goofy. It's a tradition. At midnight, you eat 12 grapes, you make 12 wishes, one for each month of the year.
Jay: And you really think that works?
Gloria: Five years ago, I was a single mother living in a slum. Today, I'm driving to Palm Springs in my new car with my rich husband. You do what you want. I'm eating the grapes.

Quote from Haley

Alex: Hey. You sure you don't wanna play "The Hunger Games" with all of us?
Haley: My whole life is a hunger game. Why do you think I'm so mean to you?

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [aside to camera] Every New Year's Eve, it's like, "what are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?" So we were happy that Jay planned this whole thing. It really, you know, takes the pressure off of having to outdo ourselves.
Mitchell: Yeah, and how are we gonna possibly top last year?
[flashback:]
Lily: [blows party streamer]
Cameron: Oh. Did we miss it?
Mitchell: Mm? It's only 10:00.
Cameron: What?
Mitchell: It's only 10:00.
Cameron: What?
Mitchell: It's only 10:00.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Huh. Place is smaller than I remember.
Claire: Smaller's your issue?
Gloria: When was the last time that you were here, Jay?
Jay: Not that long ago. 1974, '75.
Gloria: So when I was 2?
Jay: I don't like when you do that.

Quote from Phil

Claire: I say we get a bottle of champagne, look up at the stars, forget our bathing suits.
Phil: That does sound hot.
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Phil: But I'd just be thinking about your dad the whole time.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Are you serious? Billy Dee Williams? I'm a huge fan.
Billy Dee Williams: Well, now you have to stay, since none of these guys have seen me in anything since "Mahogany."
Bugs: Never even saw that.
Hugo: Me either.
Jay: You're kidding. Billy Dee's an alderman trying to keep Diana Ross in Chicago, rather than become an international model and designer. My son made me watch it with him. He's gay.
Billy Dee Williams: Oh, good. I didn't want to be the one to tell you.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Excuse me, young man. I was here first.
Mitchell: Young man? Why don't you just call him whipper-snapper?
Cameron: Ugh. This is ridiculous. We can't even get a drink. Everyone in here's 11, and I'm hot! If we were hot, we'd be drinking right now.
Mitchell: If we were hot, we'd be drinking right now.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Do you know that it's been a month?
Phil: No, it hasn't.
Claire: Mm-hmm. Yes, it has. Mm-hmm. Day after Thanksgiving. I remember because I came in under budget on all of my Christmas gifts, and you know how that gets me going.

Quote from Luke

Alex: So what's the plan, Haley?
Haley: I'm going in. That's our baby brother up there. I'm not ready for all of this. The girls, the hormones, it's gross.
Alex: Well, we can't just barge in. I'm still trying to get the image of mom and dad out of my- Oh, God, it's back.
Haley: I'm coming in!
Luke: What are you doing?
Haley: Just putting away some laundry.
Luke: That's a bra. And a tablecloth.

Quote from Haley

Luke: Wait. Why does she have to go?
Haley: Because I said so.
Luke: You're not the boss.
Claire: Don't talk back to your sister.
Luke: Ugh! I hate you!
Haley: You hate me now, but someday you'll thank me! [to Alex] I think I owe mom a huge apology.
Lily: Is anyone watching me?

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Jay, it's almost midnight, and we forgot to buy my grapes.
Jay: Did you try room service? They probably have grapes.
Eleanor: Oh, nothing fresh. But you can always fish some out of a can of fruit cocktail.
Gloria: Jay, you know that I need real grapes for my wishes.
Jay: It's a Colombian tradition. It's only moderately insane.
Billy Dee Williams: Well, I have grapes at my house.
Jay: No, I don't want you to blow New Year's.
Billy Dee Williams: Oh, please. Every night is New Year's for Billy Dee.
Gloria: I like you, Billy Dee.

Quote from Haley

Haley: New Year's is so weird, the way it makes you think about time. I think that's why people put so much pressure on themselves to have fun. I mean, I guess I sorta get it. Like right now I wish I could just slow down time, 'cause I am so not ready for him to grow up yet.
Alex: I know. I want him to stay our stupid little brother. Hey, happy New Year.
Haley: You too.
Alex: [drinking the pina Delgado] Oh, my God, what is in this?
Haley: Oh. Sorry. That one's mine.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Jay? Have you seen the grapes?
Jay: Yeah, I ate them.
Gloria: Why would you eat the grapes?
Jay: They were in a bowl, they were washed, I paid for them.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] For New Year's Eve, we're taking Phil and Claire and Mitch and Cam to this amazing hotel I used to go to in Palm Springs. They got a whole package: dinner, dancing, toast at midnight. I mean, what more do you need?
Gloria: Grapes.
Jay: I said we'd stop on the way.

Quote from Haley

Phil: Haley, it's New Year's Eve. Are you sure you don't wanna go to a party or something?
Haley: And listen to all my friends talk about how awesome college is? I know how awesome college is. That's what got me kicked out.

Quote from Alex

Claire: [to Haley] Well, I'm sure Uncle Mitchell will feel much better leaving Lily here knowing that you're in charge. You know you're really in charge, right?
Alex: How do you know I don't have a party? [off their silence] Okay, fine.

Quote from Lily

Cameron: Lily, are you ready for your big sleepover with your cousins?
Lily: Who's watching me?
Cameron: Haley.
Lily: I'm serious.
Mitchell: Alex.
Lily: Okay, let's go.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Never trust pictures on the Internet. Shoot it from the right angle, you can make anything look bigger and better.
[Mitchell and Cameron snicker]
Claire: Houses, you pervs. He's a realtor.

Quote from Cameron

Eleanor: I thought I heard voices. Robby! I told you! It's people.
Cameron: Oh, my God. That's me in 20 years!
Mitchell: Okay, you be her, and I'll be whoever left her.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Okay, so the place is not what it used to be. But we're gonna have fun. Dining in the starlight room, little dancing with the Shelley Stroman trio.
Eleanor: Oh, there's just two left.
Jay: Here are your keys. Check out's at 11:00, but if you wanna stay longer-
Gloria: No, 11:00 is good.

Quote from Phil

Robby: If you're looking for romance, there's a secluded hot spring nearby. Kind of a hidden gem.Just follow the path right by the 12th hole of the golf course.
Claire: Wow. That sounds kinda nice. Secluded. Natural.
Robby: Sexy.
Claire: Sexy. What do you think, Phil?
Phil: Does it smell like eggs? Some of them smell like eggs.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] It's been a while since Phil and I... The whole month of December? Not even a [suggestive noise]. Or a quick [clicks tongue], you know? It's embarrassing, and it's not like us. That's making me anxious, which is why I really need to get [whistles].

Quote from Claire

Claire: I say we bag dinner with my dad, and go find that hot spring.
Phil: Honey, we can't just ditch your father. He wanted us all to be together.
Claire: We are always together. Oh, my God, what are we gonna hear that we've never heard before? Mitch and Cam's inspiring story of how Lily saved that kid with the Heimlich? Please. She hugged him, and he spit his gum out.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Oh, perfect. No, great. If we need any socks, someone left one in the bed.
Cameron: Oh, my gosh. There is no way Crispin stays here when he comes to The Beacon.
Mitchell: What's The Beacon?
Cameron: The club that he's always raving about. It's right down the street.
Mitchell: That's where we should go. Somewhere fun for New Year's, while we're still young... ish.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Um, y-you could pretend to get sick at the table. You know, fake a cough, stomachache, dealer's choice. I don't care. Just sell it and get us out of there.
Cameron: But what about your dad? He wants the family to be together.
Mitchell: We are always together. I mean, how many times do we have to hear Claire tell us Luke's hilarious comeback to the pediatrician?
Cameron: Oh, gosh. We should start calling her "ranch house", because she doesn't have a second story.

Quote from Lily

Alex: They're going upstairs alone. Is that even allowed?
Haley: I don't know.
Alex: Should we say something?
Haley: Like what?
Alex: Like, "it's not okay"?
Haley: Well, maybe it is.
Alex: Is it? I don't know. I just feel like we're not doing our job as babysitters.
Haley: Of course we are.
Lily: [rings doorbell, enters] I'm cold, and I saw a coyote.

Quote from Phil

Claire: And Luke turns to him and says, "Dr. Blaustein, really? Not even dinner first?"
Phil: [laughing] Hand to God! Dr. B. told me himself!

Quote from Phil

Jay: How's your chicken Kiev?
Mitchell: It's really good.
Cameron: It's very good.
Claire: Tasty.
Phil: Yeah, tastes like Russia.

Quote from Mitchell

Claire: [coughing]
Phil: Are you okay? She's been feeling bad all day.
Claire: Oh. Yeah, you know. I think I might be coming down with a little something.
Phil: Oh, man.
Mitchell: Oh, my God.
Cameron: I know. I drank out of her glass earlier.
Mitchell: No. She's stealing our excuse.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [coughing]
Mitchell: There it is. Now?
Cameron: No, I have something stuck in my throat.
Mitchell: It's too bad Lily's not here to give you the heimlich. Did we ever tell you guys that story? Do you wanna tell it?
Cameron: Yeah, let me tell it.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Excuse me! Sir, excuse me! He's doing this on purpose!
Mitchell: He probably just doesn't notice us.
Cameron: How can he not notice us? We're the only people in here in sleeves!

Quote from Alex

Alex: They've been in there forever. Do something. You're in charge.
Haley: Oh, please. We both know I'm just a figurehead here. You really think they're doing something in there? He's 12.
Alex: He's 14, but it's touching how close you are.

Quote from Luke

Luke: What do you want?
Haley: You have to keep your door open.
Luke: Why?
Alex: Uh, well, why do you need it closed?
Luke: Because we're gonna make out.
Haley: Oh. Um... Well, you- You can't have your door closed.
Luke: Why? Do you wanna to watch or something? That's weird.
Both: Ew!
Haley: Of course we don't wanna watch.
Luke: Perfect. [closes door]

Quote from Manny

Manny: Can I offer you a pina Delgado? It's my own concoction.
Joyce: What's in it?
Manny: Let's just say it's cool, it's sweet, and it's not afraid to embrace its own whimsy.
Joyce: I'm not saying that. I'm not drinking it, either.
Manny: So you making any resolutions?
Joyce: Yeah. No more blind dates.
Lily: You're mean.
Manny: You know, she's right, Joyce. You are mean. I've been a gracious host while you've been rude, sullen, and dull. You'll forgive me if I choose not to start the new year on such a negative note. Oh, and if you're hungry for broccoli later, you'll find a piece in your teeth.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Where is this stupid path? We've been walking forever.
Phil: We'll find it.
Claire: Did that bellman seem a little off to you?
Phil: Oh, totally. Maybe there is no hot spring. Maybe this is all part of an elaborate plan to kill us.
Claire: Why would you even say that?
Phil: I'm just trying to lighten the mood. You seem so tense. Come on. This is an adventure. This is fun.

Quote from Phil

Claire: I don't wanna have an adventure. I don't wanna have fun. I wanna have sex with you.
Phil: Wha- What?
Claire: Don't make me say it again.
Phil: No, I want you to say it again. Maybe throw my name in there this time.

Quote from Claire

Phil: I made that joke about your clothes being half-off.
Claire: And yet we still did it, 'cause that's the kind of people we used to be. What happened?
Phil: Nothing happened. We're busy. It was the holidays. Dede was here. You know, she has a way of... Shutting that whole thing down.
Claire: But is this who we are now? I mean, first it's a month, then it's a year, then we're sleeping in twin beds and you're calling me "mother." And I can't even bear it, 'cause we're just like my grandp- [Phil kisses Claire]
Phil: Let's go find that hot spring and start this new year off with... Sex in a hot spring.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Maybe we should just go get some frozen yogurt and call it a night.
Mitchell: No, Cam, come on. We can't have another New Year's where we don't even make it to midnight. I this entire holiday is just a giant reminder of how the clock is ticking. You know, each passing second is just bringing us that much closer to death.
Cameron: All this because I suggested some fro-yo?
Mitchell: I'm- I'm sick of feeling old. I-I really need this.
Cameron: Okay. Let's get you to midnight.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Oh, look, he's our age. Wherever he's going, I'm sure he'll fit right in.
[Cameron and Mitchell sneak in after the man. They immediately leave]
Cameron: Okay. Okay, no judgment. Perfectly acceptable lifestyle.
Mitchell: Just not for us.
Cameron: [high-pitched] No!

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Okay, but we are not giving up, all right? We're like Goldilocks. The first bar was too young, the second was whatever that was, and the third will be just right.
[Three larger men walk by]
Cameron: Mitchell! Three bears.
Mitchell: I mean, right? Here. This one.
[Mitchell and Cameron enter a classy bar filled with older men]
Cameron: You wanted to feel young.
Mitchell: And I do.

Quote from Haley

Becca: Can't you do this later?
Haley: Excuse me. Does your mother know you're here?
Becca: Yes.
Haley: Does she know our parents aren't?
Becca: ... Yeah.
Haley: Big pause, no eye contact. I was so much better at this than you. You're out.
Luke: No, she's not.
Haley: Yes, she is. It's late, you're 13-
Alex: 14.
Haley: 14, and unless Nicole Bitchie here wants me to call her parents and tell them she lied I better go.

Quote from Jay

Eleanor: Aces and eights.
Billy Dee Williams: Lady sings the blues. Three Jacks.
Jay: Sorry, Billy Dee, but where do you go to tattle on Prince Harry when he's naked in Vegas? Straight to the queen.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: So at midnight, you eat them and then you make your wishes.
Billy Dee Williams: Well, that sounds vaguely familiar. I might have heard about that when I did that "Love Boat" with Charo.
Jay: You know Charo?
Gloria: He's so obsessed with Charo.
Billy Dee Williams: No kidding.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Mmm. So, was it worth my meltdown?
Phil: It always is. Just you and me, under the desert sky. I'm Lawrence of Arabia, you're Mrs... of Arabia.
Man: Hey there.
Claire: Oh, my God.
Man: Sweet. You're the first ones here. Welcome.
Claire: Uh, welcome to what?
Man: To Nude Year's Eve. You saw the flyer?
Robby: No. I told them.
Phil: Robby.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Nude Year's Eve? You said Nude Year's Eve.
Phil: It's clever.
Robby: Yeah.
Man: We're the Palm Springs nudist association. It's how we celebrate the new year.
Claire: I can see.
Man: Fresh. Like newborns.
Robby: Naked.
Phil: Yeah. I got that.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: I love this car so much!
Jay: Where you gonna take us next, Billy Dee?
Billy Dee Williams: A surprise that's gonna blow your mind. And just call me Billy.
Jay: Not doin' it.

Quote from Cameron

Waiter: And these are from the gentlemen at that table over there.
Mitchell: Oh, free drinks. More free drinks. Thank you. Thank- They can't hear me. Thank you!
Cameron: This is what models must feel like.
Man: Excuse me, but has anyone ever told you you look like a young Van Johnson?
Mitchell: Oh, no. That- That's so sweet, though. Thank you.
Cameron: Mm. Free pass?
Mitchell: Pull up Van Johnson on your phone. I need to know how I feel about that.
Cameron: He was gorgeous. You're fine.

Quote from Phil

Claire: And I swear to you, I was so nervous, I think I might have put on somebody else's underwear. I'm not kidding.
Cameron: Ew!
Mitchell: I love this story.
Phil: Almost as good as yours, Van Johnson.
Claire: Oh, my God!
Cameron: Oh, look. Here comes Jay. I feel bad he missed all this fun.
Mitchell: Hi, dad.
Jay: Look, they're back. My devoted family. Everyone, this is our dear friend, Billy Dee Williams.
Billy Dee Williams: Hey, hey.
Phil: Oh, my God, it's Lando. Excuse me, Mr. Williams, I just have to tell you, I've loved you since I was a little boy. I'm so starstruck right now.
Billy Dee Williams: Well, you must be Mitchell. Jay told me all about you.


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