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32Quotes from ‘The Butler's Escape’

Modern Family: The Butler's Escape

404. The Butler's Escape

Aired October 17, 2012

Phil won't accept it when Luke announces he wants to quit magic. Gloria's snoring is keeping the whole house awake, so Jay sneaks away to a hotel. Meanwhile, Cameron starts his new job as music teacher, leaving Mitchell to handle the domestic duties.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Is everybody OK?
Claire: I'm fine. Thanks for waiting.
Alex: What was that?
Phil: Water heater, gas line, the training's the same, people. Just stay low and move out!
Claire: Honey, Luke's gone.
Phil: Claire, spontaneous human combustion is very rare.
Claire: I don't think he exploded, Phil.
Luke: The rope ladder works. At least someone followed protocol.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Cam took a job teaching music at the local middle school. Yeah, his first day is tomorrow.
Cameron: I'm excited for me, but I'm probably more excited for the students because a great teacher is a gift.
Mitchell: Hasn't started yet.
Cameron: I have to tip my hat to my High School music teacher, a real force of nature who was also the defensive coordinator for the football team and supervised calf birthing for the animal husbandry club. Doris Olson. Great lady.
Mitchell: Lady.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Who drank all the coffee?
Jay: Oh, I, uh, I had quite a bit of that. You know, I haven't, um, been sleeping too well. There's actually a funny story about what's causing that.
Manny: Mom, I'm fully aware of the changes your body is going through, and that nasal stuffiness is very common during pregnancy, but we got a crisis in this house. You've been snoring. But I got you these nasal strips. In the commercial, the old man's angry red sound waves turn a gentle blue.
Gloria: So I'm like an old man?
Manny: No!
Gloria: Like a dog then? A pig? What is it, Manny? I'm an old man, a dog, or a pig?
Manny: Jay, help me out here. You've heard it.
Jay: I don't know what the boy's talking about. If this is a glimpse of teenage Manny, I don't love it. Have a little respect for your beautiful mother.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, Lily's drop-off time is between 8:45 and 8:50, so you should be fine to get to work by 9. Here is her checklist for her backpack.
Mitchell: Uh, wow.
Cameron: Oh, I have this whole thing planned. Okay, I'm gonna walk in, take off my jacket, and say, "Here comes treble."

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Okay, what else? Oh! The dimmer came in for the switch, so I want you to call the electrician, but not Brad. Remember? We had a problem with him last time about the billing.
Mitchell: He wanted his name above the title?
Cameron: Yes, you've done that joke before. So cute. So funny.

Quote from Mitchell

Lily: Daddy always parks in the back of the school.
Mitchell: I know, sweetie, but, uh, those spots were all taken.
Lily: Because we're late?
Mitchell: No, we're, like, a minute late, and that's 'cause of traffic.
Lily: And because I tipped over. You didn't snap my car seat right.
Mitchell: Okay, well, it certainly didn't hurt your memory any.
Mitchell: All right, here's your lunch.
Lily: You spilled it!
Mitchell: Oh! Why is the top open?
Lily: Daddy always zips it for me.
Mitchell: Maybe you should zip it.
Lily: I heard that.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] It goes without saying that the Butler's escape is one of the most challenging feats of escapology an illusionist can perform. It's- It's based, of course, on the well-known story of the Earl of Flanning's manservant Percy, who was imprisoned in the Tower of London, and as we all know, refused to take off his uniform when he was shackled. Famously, as the, uh, tower guard Gert slept, Percy freed himself and leapt over the sleeping guard, giving rise to the popular expression... [looks to Claire] "Percy jumped the Gert."

Quote from Alex

Alex: Well, there's this girl at school, and she got pregnant.
Claire: No.
Alex: I know. I've been trying to help her, but with all the pills she's taking, she kinda lashes out.
Claire: Oh, honey, this is too much for you to take on alone. Where are the parents?
Alex: They're no help. Dad's all consumed with his plastic surgery business, and her mom's an ex-model who's trying to launch a music career.
Claire: You're describing the show I was just watching, right?
Alex: I'm just saying, mix in a book every now and then.
Claire: Mean! Mean!

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: I gotta tell ya. Uh, I've just been watching how you've done things all these years, and I just perfected it.
Claire: Oh, please, Mitchell!
Cameron: Claire?
Claire: Cam, he was every bit the failure you were. He was late picking up Lily. She was in with the custodians. The only thing he had less to do with than dinner was the dimmer. And her hair was in braids because there was gum in it. [Cameron hugs Mitchell] And why are we hugging?
Cameron: Because I know if he called you for help and heard as many insults as I know he had to hear, then he had a worse day than me.
Mitchell: Oh, she was horrible, Cam.

Quote from Manny

Jay: Gloria.
Gloria: You told me that you were in Frisco, and you were here in a hotel?
Jay: Let me just say one thing. Don't say "Frisco." They hate that. And how the hell did you find me?
[aside to camera:]
Manny: The house has been a little noisy lately, and the school library is a pickup scene. So where does a kid go for some peace and quiet?
[cut to Manny reading in the hotel lobby]

Quote from Gloria

Jay: You ready to go?
Gloria: I was thinking, it's such a shame that this hotel room is going to go to waste.
Jay: I like where this is headed.
Gloria: [grabs hotel key card] Make Manny some pasta. I'll see you tomorrow morning, okay?

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Like his old man, Luke is a magician.
Luke: I'm taking lessons from some guy my dad found online.
Phil: He came personally recommended from the guy who runs the warlock conference up in Modesto.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Ocupado, big guy. Find another foxhole.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Ay, Jay, I'm going to miss you.
Jay: It's one night.
Gloria: No, I don't want to be without you, not even one night in my whole life. What can I make you?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: How about a little room on my side of the bed? I mean, I shouldn't complain. My wife's a knockout. But she's at that place in her pregnancy where, she's, you know ample. And the snoring. I swear in the last ultrasound, the baby was like this [holding hands to his ears and grimacing].

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Just call me if you need me.
Mitchell: I won't!
Cameron: And thank you for managing my expectations today. Not necessary.
Mitchell: I saw you practicing a bow last night.
Cameron: That was just in fun. You know, I highly doubt some teenagers are gonna throw rose petals at my feet.
Mitchell: Yeah.
Cameron: But I wouldn't be surprised if I got slow-clapped out of my first class.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Wrong.
Claire: I am thinking.
Alex: If you were thinking, you wouldn't have Seattle as the capital of Washington.
Claire: Oh. Yeah. It's Spokane.
Alex: Sure, which makes the 11th President of the United States "James K. Pslk."
Claire: Okay, Alex, stop. I'm trying to figure this out.
Alex: Buzz. Time's up, dummy. It's Olympia.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Tell you what. I will talk to dad-
Phil: Whoa! Talk to dad? That sounds serious. Don't do drugs. Stay in school.
Claire: Luke wants to quit magic.
Phil: That's not happening. Well, see you guys at dinner.
Claire: Sweetheart, don't you even want to talk about this?
Phil: What's to talk about? The kid's a natural. He has everything- the hands, the patter, the outfits.
Claire: Okay, let's play this out. Even if he is one in a million, what's our best case scenario here? He becomes, what-
Both: A professional magician!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: All right, young ladies and gentlemen, if I can have your attention, please. Let's settle down and let's say a temporary good-bye to your neighbor and to life as you know it, because here comes treble. That's right, my friends, we got treble, right here at Franklin Middle. I'm Cameron T., and that rhymes with "g," and that stands for "Good morning"!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, Mr. Namagachi isn't coming back, but there is somebody that I'd like to introduce you to. Don't know that you properly met. She's a good friend of mine, and she goes by the name of "music." And sometimes my friend music can be shy. [starts to play "Fur Elise"] Sometimes she can be angry! [starts to play Beethoven's "Symphony No. 5"] Huh? Sometimes she can be playful. [starts to play Scott Joplin's "The Entertainer"] And sometimes she can be downright a-funky! [electronic funky beat playing]
Luke: Train wreck.
Manny: There's no way he ran this past Mitchell.

Quote from Luke

Cameron: So now let's form an orchestra made up of my favorite instruments, your beautiful bodies.
Luke: Gettin' creepy.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [on the phone] Hey, dad. How's Frisco?
Jay: My meetings ended early. I didn't even have to spend the night. And don't say "Frisco." They hate it when you call it "Frisco."
Claire: How do you know what they hate? You've been there two times in your life.

Quote from Claire

Jay: [on the phone] Anyway, I haven't slept in a week. Gloria's snoring like a water buffalo.
Claire: Aw. Well, she's pregnant. It's uncomfortable. What, she put on 15? 20? 25? 30?
Jay: We're not doing this again. How do I bring it up?
Claire: Well, for starters, you don't. You suck it up. Dad, your hot wife who was learning to walk when you were 30 years old, is pregnant with a baby you conceived doing something most men would kill to do.
Jay: I'm just so tired.
Claire: It's a small sacrifice compared to what she's going through. Poor thing, what with the extra thirty, thirty-five, forty, forty-five?
Jay: We're done.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [on the phone] So how was it? How was the big debut? Was it a comfortable ride around the schoolyard on the shoulders of the children?
Cameron: Well, I stood and delivered. Thank you for sarcastically asking.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [on the phone] Oh, well, I should probably let you go. Keep your eye on Lily. She has a tendency to wander off.
Mitchell: Cam uh, wh-wh- I'm- I'm totally capable of-
Cameron: You lost her, didn't you?
Mitchell: No. No, no, no, no. No, she is right next to me. Hi, honey.
Cameron: I can hear it in your voice. Look in the dairy case.
Mitchell: Cam, do you honestly think that I would lose-
Cameron: The doors don't pull. They slide.

Quote from Phil

Phil: And watch your time. In the stage version, the rope's on fire, and you're suspended over a bed of nails.
Luke: I hate this! Why are you making me do this?
Phil: Use that anger, Lukini. Let it be the key that opens the vault of fear that holds the chalice of hope that contains the elixir of success. In a few short minutes- Son of Alkazeel! You've done it!
Luke: I quit!

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: So tell me more about the kids.
Cameron: Well, it was as I predicted, you know. They just needed somebody to come in there and bring music back to life. And, you know, that person was... That person was... It's not me!
Mitchell: What's happening?
Cameron: It was a disaster, Mitchell. They hated me! Not just the kids, the teachers. They wouldn't sit with me at lunch. I had to sit alone.
Mitchell: Oh, honey.
Cameron: And my sweater, the shop teacher spilled juice on it. He said it was an accident, but it wasn't an accident.

Quote from Claire

Mitchell: We just need some time to settle into these new roles.
Cameron: You were right to lower my expectations.
Mitchell: I just wish I had lowered mine.
Claire: This gonna work its way around to a "thank you," ladies?

Quote from Jay

Gloria: [on the phone] Surprise! I'm in San Francisco!
Jay: What?
Gloria: I dropped Manny at a friend's and, I know it's crazy, but I hopped on a plane and I'm here! I'm driving to the hotel.
Jay: That is so great. The thing is, honey, I'm not here right now. See, I'm, uh, I'm out at dinner. Probably won't be back for, um... Oh, I don't know. A couple of hours.
Gloria: It's okay. I'll wait for you there.
Jay: Don't be silly. How often do you get to San Francisco? There's so much to see there. I mean, here. Ghirardelli square? Fisherman's wharf? Alcatraz? Hey, take that segway tour. That's a great way to see the city. And when you get the chowder, make sure it's one of those bread bowls. You can eat the bowl. Yeah, it's a story you'll tell for a lifetime.
[As Jay emerges from the elevator, Gloria is standing there. She slaps him across the face]

Quote from Claire

Phil: It's just hard, you know? It's the first time he hasn't shared one of my interests. It's scary to think that this is the start of us growing apart.
Claire: Oh, honey, it's probably just a phase. Alex is going through something right now. I wish I could figure that out.
Phil: I can't breathe.
Claire: Anxiety.
Phil: No, no, I'm- I'm fighting the jacket. The key to this escape is balance. The whole thing is based on the idea of opposing forces holding each other in check.
Claire: That actually makes some sense.
Phil: Some sense? There are two things I know with dead certainty: how to shoulder roll out of a human pyramid, and the black arts of the Butler's escape.
Claire: No, honey, our house is out of balance because Alex is missing her opposing force.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Tell me right now if you're having an affair, and we will find some time later for me to kill you.
Jay: No. I'm just trying to have one night away from your snoring.
Gloria: You came to a hotel to sleep?
Jay: I'm exhausted, and I didn't want to hurt your feelings, but you're huge and you're loud. It's like sleeping with Rush Limbaugh. And I didn't want to bring it up because I figured you'd get mad at me the way you got mad at Manny.
Gloria: I am not mad at you because you told me that I snore. I am mad at you because you didn't say anything.
Jay: 'Cause I didn't want to get yelled at.
Gloria: Well, too bad. When you're married to me, you're going to get yelled at many times. And you're tough enough to take it. That's what I love about our marriage. We can say whatever we want, but the next day, we're still there.
Jay: That's what I like about it, too.

Quote from Phil

Phil: You know, I went through that, kids- Kids messing with my stuff.
Luke: Really?
Phil: Oh, yeah. In High School, when I first got nominated for junior tumbling congress. My parents had to sign a release! Anyway, my buddy Dizzy Brindizzi saw it, grabbed it, and made a lot of fun of me. I thought about not going.
Luke: But you did.
Phil: Oh, yeah. Had a blast. Made a lot of friends, shared milkshakes with more than one female tumbler. The minute I stopped caring what other people thought and started doing what I wanted to do, is the minute I finally felt free! Buddy, you're gonna make your own choices, and whatever you decide, I'll always support you.
Luke: You're not just saying all this 'cause you're stuck, right?
Phil: Nothing you decide will ever disappoint me.
Luke: Thanks, dad.

Quote from Haley

Claire: Well, honey, I just wanted to check in and say hi. Alex, come say hi to your sister! I love you so much.
Alex: What's up, lady?
Haley: Oh, my God. You did not just say, "what's up, lady?" What's wrong with you?
Alex: I was just saying hello-
Haley: Oh, it's like the lamest thing you've ever said. And what is that shirt? What are you, a flapper?
Alex: I just bought it at that store that you-
Haley: Oh, where? Forever 1921? And what is going on with your hair?
Alex: What's wrong with my hair?
Haley: Oh, you should just dip yourself in boy repellent.
Alex: Shut up! Mom!
Claire: And balance is restored.


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