Mitchell: And why are the movers just sitting out there?
Gloria: Don't worry about them. I'll handle them. I used to be a mover. I kind of fell into it when I helped an ex-boyfriend steal his brother's refrigerator.
Mitchell: Okay, wait, so you've been a cab driver, a hairdresser, a spokesmodel, and a mover. I-Is your life real?
Gloria: Is anything real? That was a question that I asked myself when I was a philosophy professor.

Gloria: Now, say goodbye to the house. Tell it how much it meant to you. Be honest with each other, like two lovers that know that the time has come when they must part ways.
Mitchell: Okay, well, usually, I would just take my gym membership off his keychain and then introduce him to my mother.

Haley: Hey! You find it?
Dylan: No, but I just realized why they call rolling two ones with dice "snake eggs."
Haley: That's snake eyes.
Dylan: Oh. Then what did I realize?

[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Not only are we moving, but we're adopting a baby that's due in two weeks.
Cameron: And that is stressing me out because eleven years ago, I revealed Lily with "The Lion King," and there's a lot of pressure...
Mitchell: Self-imposed.
Cameron: ...to top myself. So, I've been workshopping a few ideas.
[flashback to Cameron wheeling in a dining trolley:]
Cameron: I hope everyone here likes... baby! [chuckles] I can see that taking everyone's breath away, no?
Mitchell: Uh, I'm more concerned about the city taking our baby away.

Haley: What are you guys doing home?
Alex: Yeah, I thought you went to that beach cleanup.
Claire: Well, we tried, but the beach yoga people wouldn't even move a hundred feet down.
Phil: You'd think they'd have been a little more flexible.
Claire: Oh, Phil.

Mitchell: Did we just make a huge mistake?
Cameron: Mitchell, you know you hate change. Remember when you shaved your beard? You screamed in the mirror, "Oh, my God, you look hideous!"
Mitchell: That was you.

Gloria: Hey, you humps! We're paying you by the hour!
Man: We're on a coffee break, lady.
Gloria: Oh, don't give me that. I used to do your job. And this attitude, this is why people hate movers. That and all the stealing.
Man: Whoa! You think you can do better?
Gloria: [chuckles] I hate to burst your bubble wrap, but I know I can.

Jay: This, my friend, is a 2009 Chateau Trotanoy. You might want to cinch your belt up. It's liable to blow your trousers off.
Manny: Mm. It's nice.
Jay: "Nice"?
Manny: I understand why you would like it, but... this is what my wine club friends would call "an obvious choice."
Jay: I get it. You haven't developed a taste for fine wine yet.
Manny: Um, I hate to say it, but I probably know more about wine than you do.
Jay: Two months ago, you couldn't drink rosé unless it was mixed with Snapple.

Jay: The uneducated palate would identify this as a Cabernet, when, in fact, it is a Merlot from Bordeaux.
Joe: Correct.
Manny: Oh! Lucky guess.
Jay: In my twenties, I befriended a sommelier from Paris... Marcel Caron. In fact, I went to stay with him. We'd drink wine all night and fall asleep to the sound of an accordion on the Rue de Montparnasse.
Manny: Much like this wine, that story has too many fruity notes.

[aside to camera:]
Claire: Long story short, Doug and I decided to call it even.
Phil: And, thanks to me, not one child got bit.
Claire: [groans] Are you really gonna keep that thing?
Phil: Do we always have to talk about my snake?