Gloria: [speaking Spanish to Joe]
Jay: Careful. Keep that up, he'll have to hit "numero dos" when he calls the DMV.
Gloria: By the time he's old enough to call, it will be "numero uno."

[aside to camera, together:]
Claire: For the last few months, Cam and I have been redoing a house together that we're gonna flip, and I have to say, it has been goin' great!
Cameron: We make an amazing team.
Claire: Yeah. The key is trust.
Cameron: Absolutely.
[aside to camera, separately:]
Cameron: The key is, I let Claire think she's in charge. I hide what I want in something bigger and more expensive. Then when she rejects that, we "compromise" on what I wanted all along. I call my method "the Trojan horse." You know how I got Lily? I asked Mitchell for triplets.

Claire: By the way, we couldn't get the powder room fixtures you wanted.
Cameron: What? Why?
Claire: Well, they're 23%, or $982, over the budget. Keeping in mind, that space is only 12% of 1,462 square feet.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Whenever I need to rein in Cam's spending, I employ something that I like to call "the number dump."
[back:]
Claire: So unless you wanna cut 16%, or $1,764 from somewhere in the flooring budget, we've gotta find another 4% overall.
Cameron: Yeah. No, as long as they're pretty, it's fine. It's fine.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Yesterday, I accidentally said "eleventy-five."

Phil: What is happening?
Alex: I'm sweeping.
Phil: No, you're not sweeping. You're just spreading it all around.
Luke: It's gonna cost more if you want me to eat it now.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: That's when it hit me: My daughters know nothing about home care and maintenance. I don't want 'em to be dependent. It's up to me to show them what a modern, self-sufficient woman looks like.

Mitchell: Well, there's this kid, and he's been kind of bullying Lily and all her friends. And I tried to teach him. I tried to put him in his place on the handball court, and I lost. And I-I could just see the disappointment in Lily's eyes.
Luke: Like there's any emotion in those eyes.
Mitchell: Are you gonna help me or not?
Luke: Okay. Yes! But I need you to give it 105%.
Mitchell: Ah, no. It's 110%, buddy.
Luke: That's impossible.

Haley: That was the least fun I have ever had shopping ever. Here.
Phil: Honey, that's a torque wrench, not a torx screwdriver.
Haley: Okay, you're just screaming now.
Alex: Can't you just go get it? You're the best at this stuff.
Haley: Yeah, plus the car is doing something funny, and there's a light on the dashboard that looks like a little genie lamp.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: My kids are helpless, but maybe that's okay. Because years from now when they have their own houses, they'll call me on their hologram phones and say, "Help me, Dad. You're my only hope." And I'll be the happiest father in sector 7. Or sector 12, if we're doing really well.

Jay: [aside to camera] Gloria and Manny left me alone with Joe, and it was great for about 20 minutes. Then the little bugger turned on me. I tried everything to calm him down. Bouncing. Bottle. Brightly colored objects. Bigger bottle. So I did the old "put him in the car" trick. But I could still hear him out there. I'm just kidding. I drove him to his little class, but he dozed off right before we got there. Or he took a page from the Jay Pritchett playbook: Saw the crap he was in for and pretended to be asleep.

Cameron: You are going to love what I found for the kitchen countertops. It's from Carrarra, Italy. It's where Michelangelo got the marble to make the "David."
Claire: Oh. Now we know why the "David" couldn't afford any clothes.
Cameron: Okay, well, uh I also found this one. It's not as nice, but it's less expensive.
Claire: Well, it's still over budget, but I guess it's okay.
Cameron: Mm. [smiles to camera]

Phil: What are you doing?
Alex: Trying to put the sugar back in the thing.
Phil: Well, just go get the broom.
Luke: I'll eat it for a dollar.
Phil: What did I say about eating things for money?
Luke: Charge the most. Then people will think you're worth it.

Cameron: Okay. Every house needs a "wow" factor, right?
Claire: Mm.
Cameron: What is the one thing this backyard is missing?
Claire: A qualified buyer?
Cameron: Now don't be silly. No. A water feature with a fire element.
Claire: Oh, God, no. No, no, please.
Cameron: Now just imagine, this entire back wall cascading into a reservoir that erupts into flames on the quarter hour. How does that sound?
Claire: Like we need a white tiger.