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‘Phil's Sexy, Sexy House’ Quotes

Modern Family: Phil's Sexy, Sexy House

707. Phil's Sexy, Sexy House

Aired November 18, 2015

When the family gathers at Jay and Gloria's for a Thanksgiving leftover brunch, everyone gets the same idea to sneak into the "sexy house" that Phil is trying to sell.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: [aside to camera] So, this year, we're surprising the family with a trip to Miami. The travel company needs everybody's driver's license to book the flight. That's where "sticky fingers" here comes in handy.
Gloria: Everybody has a bad cousin that teaches you a few things. Like how to smoke, how to pick-pocket, how to hot-wire a car, how to put tacks on your shoe when you want to throw off a-a lie-detector test.
Jay: Which cousin was this?
Gloria: I am the cousin.

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Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [to Alex] Let me give you a hug goodbye. I cannot believe that you're already going to college. It seems like yesterday when you were a little girl reading at college level.

Quote from Alex

Claire: Oh, Alex!
Phil: Claire?
Claire: ­Reuben again? He wore a Batman cape to the first day of high school!
Alex: You're really judging me right now when you look like a hooker at Comic-Con?

Quote from Claire

Claire: Can you believe how conscientious our little girl has become? Racing off to work on a Saturday. There's a 30% chance she thinks it's Friday, but still...

Quote from Manny

Joe: Refrigerator.
Manny: No, say "fridger-frater."
Joe: But it's refrigerator.
Manny: I need you to focus, kid. Fridger-frater - ­where we keep the sammiches.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: People seem delighted by Joe. Whatever. But I had that fetching study partner coming over, and I realized I could use Joe's by-the-numbers cuteness to my amorous advantage. Wow. Even for me, that was a lot of Manny.

Quote from Manny

Claire: What are you making, my little chef?
Joe: I'm making pasghetti!
Claire: You are adorable.
Manny: I remember when I had everyone in the palm of my hand with a two-foot putt like "pasghetti." We both know you know how to say it.

Quote from Haley

Alex: Well, I'm off. While I do love our tradition of still getting together on Saturday for Thanksgiving leftovers, maybe next time we can order a turkey that doesn't have its own Event Horizon. [silence] Oh, well, who cares? I know it's totally gonna slay them in my astrophysics club.
Haley: First time anyone in that club gets slayed.

Quote from Luke

Phil: Infinity pool, killer views, state-of-the-art game room, home theater...
Cameron: Plus that four-person shower. Did you know that's where Cyril met his new husband?
Mitchell: Aww.
Phil: Even the security code's sexy. Literally. It spells out "sexy" on the keypad.
Luke: Even I think that's trying too hard, and at this point, I'm mostly body spray.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] I was harsh. But the flight back from Portland was rough. The overheads were packed with foldable bikes, and I was sitting next to a guy using a typewriter.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Hey, guys, thanks again for helping me to get that listing.
Mitchell: Cyril's house. Pretty sexy, huh?
Phil: Ridonk. This place makes the Playboy mansion look like an old folks' home. Which I guess it kind of is now.

Quote from Haley

Haley: [aside to camera] When I was younger, I was a little embarrassed my dad was just a real-estate agent.
But as I got older, I realized, hey, he may not have the coolest job in the world, but he puts food on the table and has access to a bunch of empty houses I can sneak into.

Quote from Phil

Haley: Wow. Nice pool at the three-bedroom in Hillgrove.
Phil: Well, looky here, one of my kids showing interest in the family biz.
Haley: Oh, I don't know if I'm smart enough for that. You have to remember so much stuff, like when anyone's gonna be there.
Phil: That's what the datebook's for.
Haley: Plus you have to remember all of those lock-box combinations.
Phil: I just use a very special birthday.
Haley: Aww.
Phil: Houdini's.

Quote from Haley

Haley: [aside to camera] I left my watch by Cyril's tub. I'm usually extra careful not to leave any trace that I was at one of my dad's houses, but this tub has 16 pulsating jets, and the whole floor vibrates with something called "Swedish release." It took me 20 minutes to find my car in the driveway.

Quote from Claire

Claire: You're bathing with them now?
Phil: They waddled into the garage and got oil on them. And then when they were in here by themselves, all they wanted to do was horse around, so...
Claire: I spent the morning in Berkeley and the afternoon in Portland. I deserve to feel clean again. But now the nice, soothing tub that I've been dreaming about all day is filled with feathers and motor oil and probably bird flu. So, no. No. You just sit tight, and I will use the hose in the backyard.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Mr. Dunphy? Is that you? Haley?
Haley: Andy, wh- Uh, what are you doing here?
Andy: Setting up for an open house tomorrow. What are you d- Splish, splash, who was taking a bath?!

Quote from Andy

Andy: Oh! Oh, my god.
Haley: Relax, I'm okay.
Andy: No. Isn't this the tub from the Lil Wayne video?

Quote from Andy

Andy: I put our clothes in the dryer. I made an executive decision, went with the Irish Mountain dryer sheets.
Haley: What does an Irish Mountain smell like?
Andy: We'll find out in [Irish accent] 30, 35 minutes.
Haley: Hey, uh, don't tell my dad I was here, okay?
Andy: I suppose I could do you that wee favor.
Haley: Do me a second favor-
Andy: [normal voice] Yeah, I don't love it, either.

Quote from Andy

Andy: But for what it's worth, Beth and I are not perfect. Things come up when you plan a wedding.
Haley: Really? There's such a thing as Mormon drama?
Andy: There was when Beth's uncle found out we're serving coffee at the reception.

Quote from Andy

Haley: Oh, god, is that my dad?
Andy: [Irish accent] 'Tis a fine kettle of fish we're in!

Quote from Cameron

Claire: Phil, honey, remember those gutter covers that we ordered like a year ago? Good news. They shipped!
Phil: [flatly] Wow. That's exciting.
Mitchell: Please kill me if I ever find gutter covers exciting.
Cameron: I know. That marriage is staler than a box of cupcakes at a supermodel retreat.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I've been you on this. When I was bogged down with work, your mother and I fought all the time. I mean, maybe not about ducks. I'm not a weirdo. But maybe he's mad at you because you're not around.
Claire: But I only took like two trips.
Jay: Just 'cause you're around doesn't mean you're around.
Claire: That's one of those loopy things mom would say.
Jay: I used to pretend that I didn't understand it, too, but I did. Why not just make some time for each other?
Claire: Maybe you're right. Oh, maybe I'll take him for a weekend up North, huh? What do you think?
Jay: Sure. Yeah. Or leave him. You're still attractive. Worked great for me.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: I am still in shock about the deal we got on those ice-cube trays.
Cameron: I know. It's like we pulled off the great tray robbery. You know, it says we're supposed to throw them in the dishwasher, but I'm just gonna give them a rinse.
Mitchell: Oh, you are so bad!

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: It feels good to get stuff done.
Cameron: Yeah, it does!
Mitchell: Aaah. So, other than Lily, we have no real reason to be alive, right?

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Ooh, I like this song.
Mitchell: Would you like a show to go with it?
Cameron: Mitchell!
Mitchell: Who's Mitchell? I'm Magic Mitch. Welder by day stripper by choice. My unwed sister is seven months pregnant. My mother has some uterine issues not covered by medicare. But if you want to make it rain, I will...

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Claire's been working a lot lately, and it's been... great. It's given me a lot more time for "Battle Beasts of Gar," this massive online role-playing game. And with Cyril's state-of-the-art gaming system, I've been able to take my half-dwarf, half-ox fire mage -- Pyrominiyak -- to a whole new level. Level three! Our guild, Thugsquad, has been trying to plan a raid against our arch-rival guild, led by the ruthless Sexybeast, and I got a text saying it was finally happening. That is, if I could get Claire to be okay with me disappearing for a few hours.

Quote from Claire

Claire: It's just sometimes I get so caught up in work that even when I am around, I'm not around.
Phil: Mm. So well put. I don't want to beat you up about that. It's healing time now. You know, what I'd love is a few hours at Cyril's house this afternoon.
Claire: With me?
Phil: Actually I was thinking about that role-playing thing I'm into?
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Phil and I have, on occasion, adopted various alter-egos to spice up our marriage. Cyril's house does sound kind of perfect for some romance. And I like that Phil wants to move past this, so...

Quote from Phil

Claire: Did you have a particular genre in mind for this afternoon's game?
Phil: Yes. Medieval fantasy.
Claire: Ah. Great.
Phil: Thank you.
Claire: Mm.
Phil: Oh, Sexybeast, you are gonna get so spanked.

Quote from Manny

Manny: A person is not a sammich, Joe! Joe, what are you doing?! Joe, let go!

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: What are you doing here?
Luke: Oh, um, my S.A.T. prep group needed a quiet place to study.
Mitchell: You ain't studying acting.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [British accent] Please, sir, have pity. 'Tis true I'm just a common thief, but if you have mercy, I'll make it worth your while...

Quote from Phil

Phil: You should all be ashamed of yourselves. I'm the only one authorized to be here. By sneaking in, you've disrespected me, and violated the trust between me, my clients, and this sexy, sexy house. No. No! Great. Now Lisa's dead. I want everybody out of here right now!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Well, at least we have our house to ourselves still.
Mitchell: Mm.
Cameron: Does Magic Mitch have another set him in?
Mitchell: Yeah. His grandma's built-up shoe isn't gonna pay for itself.
Cameron: Okay, we need to work on your sexy patter.

Quote from Luke

Alex: Okay, before you get any stupid ideas, Reuben and I broke in here so I could help him with his math.
Luke: Heh. Good luck getting through to that guy. He's clueless.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Honey, I know you've been working really hard lately, and I-I appreciate any time I can get with you.
Claire: So you're not mad at me?
Phil: Silence, Elvin Harlot.
Claire: Ohh, sorry, my lord. Didn't mean to offend.
Phil: But you have, craven wench. And I shall mete out punishment as- [to headset] I can hear you guys giggling. At least I have a girlfriend!

Quote from Andy

Haley: All clear. Well, that was crazy.
Andy: My ticker hasn't gotten a workout that good since I made the finals of that cup-stacking competition.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hola! Hola! Yeah. Come in, come in.
Manny: Does this feel like a short visit to you or a long one?
Jay: The pregnant one brought a stroller.


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