TV Quotes

Jay: [aside to camera] So, this year, we're surprising the family with a trip to Miami. The travel company needs everybody's driver's license to book the flight. That's where "sticky fingers" here comes in handy.
Gloria: Everybody has a bad cousin that teaches you a few things. Like how to smoke, how to pick-pocket, how to hot-wire a car, how to put tacks on your shoe when you want to throw off a-a lie-detector test.
Jay: Which cousin was this?
Gloria: I am the cousin.

Gloria: [to Alex] Let me give you a hug goodbye. I cannot believe that you're already going to college. It seems like yesterday when you were a little girl reading at college level.

Claire: Oh, Alex!
Phil: Claire?
Claire: ­Reuben again? He wore a Batman cape to the first day of high school!
Alex: You're really judging me right now when you look like a hooker at Comic-Con?

Claire: Can you believe how conscientious our little girl has become? Racing off to work on a Saturday. There's a 30% chance she thinks it's Friday, but still...

Joe: Refrigerator.
Manny: No, say "fridger-frater."
Joe: But it's refrigerator.
Manny: I need you to focus, kid. Fridger-frater - ­where we keep the sammiches.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: People seem delighted by Joe. Whatever. But I had that fetching study partner coming over, and I realized I could use Joe's by-the-numbers cuteness to my amorous advantage. Wow. Even for me, that was a lot of Manny.

Claire: What are you making, my little chef?
Joe: I'm making pasghetti!
Claire: You are adorable.
Manny: I remember when I had everyone in the palm of my hand with a two-foot putt like "pasghetti." We both know you know how to say it.

Alex: Well, I'm off. While I do love our tradition of still getting together on Saturday for Thanksgiving leftovers, maybe next time we can order a turkey that doesn't have its own Event Horizon. [silence] Oh, well, who cares? I know it's totally gonna slay them in my astrophysics club.
Haley: First time anyone in that club gets slayed.

Phil: Infinity pool, killer views, state-of-the-art game room, home theater...
Cameron: Plus that four-person shower. Did you know that's where Cyril met his new husband?
Mitchell: Aww.
Phil: Even the security code's sexy. Literally. It spells out "sexy" on the keypad.
Luke: Even I think that's trying too hard, and at this point, I'm mostly body spray.

Claire: [aside to camera] I was harsh. But the flight back from Portland was rough. The overheads were packed with foldable bikes, and I was sitting next to a guy using a typewriter.

Haley: All clear. Well, that was crazy.
Andy: My ticker hasn't gotten a workout that good since I made the finals of that cup-stacking competition.