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47Quotes from ‘When a Tree Falls’

Modern Family: When a Tree Falls

409. When a Tree Falls

Aired November 28, 2012

Cameron talks Mitchell into supporting his effort to save an old tree in the park. Jay and Manny are both pushed beyond their comfort zones when they attend a kid's birthday party. Meanwhile, Alex tries to take an embarrassing bad picture of Haley, and Gloria's "pregnancy brain" is making her forgetful.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Oh, I see what this is. You called Claire to babysit the stupid pregnant lady!
Jay: You're the one who called her.
Gloria: I did?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I called Claire. Gloria needs watching. She's got a serious case of pregnancy brain. Last week, I found a bar of soap in the fridge and a stick of butter in the shower. I walked around all day smelling like a bucket of popcorn.
Manny: Better than the toast I ate.
Jay: Yet you ate the second piece.

Quote from Luke

Manny: Look, I'm Mexico. Again. Does anybody care that I'm not from Mexico?
Luke: You keep saying that, but we've never seen a birth certificate.

Quote from Claire

Gloria: Ugh. I want to be so mad at him, but he's right. I have two brains in my body, but I've never been so dumb.
Claire: It happens. I get it. You have another human being inside of you, competing for resources. Look, when I was pregnant with Alex, I could barely remember my name.
Gloria: Same with Haley and Luke?
Claire: Mm, not so much. They kind of just hung out in there, let me do my thing.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: You know what? You're a list-maker, a planner. I'm a doer and an action taker! Sean Penn would play me in a movie about this, or Anne Hathaway, if they wanted a female-driven vehicle.
Mitchell: And who would play your long-suffering partner?
Cameron: Julianne Moore, either way.
Mitchell: I would totally see that. I would.

Quote from Alex

Alex: [aside to camera] Last summer, my sister took a totally humiliating photo of me. Then she posted it to Facebook and refused to take it down. It got 873 likes. Meanwhile, there's not one embarrassing photo of Haley. Even her mug shots were cute. Today, I get my revenge. One photo of Haley, dirty, sweaty, picking up trash like a criminal. It'll be my finest moment. In a few years, I hope to have some more friends and not have time for this kind of stuff.

Quote from Jay

Jay: So he's out in our yard and he's got a boombox. What's the name of that movie with the boombox?
Jerry: Oh, "Say Anything."
Jay: With John Mahoney. So anyway, he's out there, and he's begging Claire for forgiveness. She's still mad at him. She won't have any of it. So he turns it up full-blast, and it's Olivia Newton-John. And he starts singing, "Let's get Phil-sical"! [all laugh]
Phil: It was an inside joke.

Quote from Alex

Haley: It's really sweet of you, Luke, but there's just gonna be a bunch of drunk drivers and vandalizers who were stupid enough to get caught.
Alex: Or stupid enough to use the word "vandalizers." [everybody's silent] It's vandals. I'm so alone.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I wasn't worried. I'd boxed in the Navy. And it was Phil. And here's something I thought I'd never say: I'd rather box my daughter's husband than my son's.

Quote from Haley

Claire: Haley, hurry up. You're gonna be late. Alex, what are you doing?
Alex: I need to document Haley's first day on the chain gang.
Phil: It's not a chain gang. It's community service. And leave her alone. She feels bad enough as it is.
Haley: Okay, I'm torn. On one hand, I'm like, "Ugh, I have to pick up garbage all day." And on the other hand, I'm like, "Look at me in orange." [Alex takes a photo] Aw, that's cute. Send that to me.

Quote from Haley

Claire: [aside to camera] Haley had a little run-in with the law in college.
Phil: She was arrested for assaulting a police officer.
Haley: Accidentally. I fell on him.
Phil: While evading arrest for underage drinking.
Haley: That was on purpose.
Claire: They were very lenient with her. She only has to do community service.
Haley: Because I do not have any priors.
Phil: Taking a little too much pride in that, sweetheart.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Manny, while we're young!
Gloria: He doesn't want to go. That's why he's taking so long with the primping.
Jay: A boy his age should do exactly zero primping.

Quote from Manny

Manny: [aside to camera] This kid in my class, Doug Brooks, has a sports-themed birthday party every year. All boys. All sports. All day. He calls it the Doug-lympics, which might make sense if he did it every four years, or if his name was Al. Let's just say nothing about it works.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Manny, it's a beautiful day outside. Go on. Enjoy your dougy-lympics.
Jay: You don't have to win a medal. Just have fun.
Manny: Doug finishes with the most medals no matter what. Plus I think he only invites me because he likes to match skin color to nation. I know that's why Alan Yan gets invited.
Jay: Okay, we get it. Sports isn't your thing. But you gotta step out of your comfort zone sometime. And for God sake, change out of those wingtips. You're a kid. You're not Nixon on the beach.

Quote from Jay

Phil: Jay, where you headed? Why don't you stick around and grab a beer with the dads?
Jay: Oh, I don't really know those guys. I think I'll just swing by the club, hit a few balls.
Phil: Well, come here. Let me introduce you around. Hey, guys, this is Jay, my father-in-law. Manny's stepdad.
Bill: Hey, what's up, Jay-lo?
Jay: Okay, guys, I'll see you later.
Manny: What's the matter, Jay? Afraid to step outside your comfort zone?
Jay: I will send you back to Mexico.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Mitchell? Where were we the first day Lily rolled over?
Mitchell: Under this tree.
Cameron: Where is home base when we play hide-and-go-seek?
Mitchell: Under this tree.
Cameron: And where did we take shelter during that dangerous lightning storm?
Mitchell: Wasn't a good idea, but it was under this tree.

Quote from Gloria

Claire: I forgot I was wearing it. It's no big deal. Here.
Police Officer: Ma'am. The store.
Claire: Are you kidding me? I didn't try to steal a sweatshirt! Sir, I'm a mom. Gloria, help me out.
Gloria: Listen, Mr. Policeman, if we wanted to steal it, you wouldn't even know that it was gone!
Claire: Yeah, okay. That's not helping.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Gentlemen, you wanna know about the real ultimate frisbee? Walk with one balanced on your head for 50 meters. It is a measure of poise, balance, and posture.
Doug: Let's just whip the frisbees at each other as hard as we can and see who quits first.
Luke: Frisbee smash. Awesome! Let's go!
Manny: Oh, my God, I'm Sisyphus.
Luke: Yes! A big one! Ha ha!

Quote from Phil

Phil: Okay, enough with the funny Phil stories.
Jay: No, but I haven't even gotten to the best part yet. So he's doing his little dance, and I can't take it anymore, so I nail him with the sprinklers!
Phil: Yep, and you also shorted out my boombox, which you said you'd replace and you never did.
Jay: I never said that!
Phil: Yes, you did. You still owe me one boom box, 12 "D" batteries, and an Olivia Newton-John cassingle.

Quote from Gloria

Claire: Why would I buy hundreds of dollars worth of merchandise and then steal a $20 sweatshirt?
Store Manager: I don't know. Maybe you do it for the thrill. I know your type. You're a bored housewife, drives a minivan, husband spends a little too much time online. Got a couple of kids, a college degree you don't use.
Claire: You could not be more wrong.
Gloria: Yes. She has three kids.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Alex, what are you doing here?
Alex: Learning a valuable lesson about karma and how wrong it is to take pleasure in people's embarrassment.
Haley: Wow. I don't know what any of that means, but you look like hell. Say "geek."
Alex: No!
Haley: He's a vandalizer!
[aside to camera:]
Alex: 593 likes and counting.

Quote from Cameron

Fireman: Who does he belong to?
Mitchell: He's mine.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: It was a great ending to an amazing day. Look, I even made the paper. "Bizarre protest saves park tree." Oh, look what it says. "This production of 'Cats' should be put to sleep."
Mitchell: Don't read that.

Quote from Phil

Luke: Things can get pretty rough out there. I couldn't get my hands on any cigarettes. But I did make you a shiv out of an old knife.
Claire: You don't make a shiv out of a knife.
Phil: Yeah, you make a shiv out of a rusty spoon or a shard of glass.
Claire: Or a human femur.
Phil: Exactly. Be creative.

Quote from Luke

Luke: They're gonna eat you alive, suburbia.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Cam, do you remember why I didn't want you to swap out the handles on Lily's dresser?
Cameron: Because you lack a designer's eye and fear change?
Mitchell: No. Because I was afraid two weeks would go by, and we'd still be using a spatula to get at Lily's clothes.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, well, we have bigger issues. Guess what they are cutting down at the park today?
Mitchell: A tree?
Cameron: Yes. How did you know that?
Mitchell: I played a hunch.
Cameron: Not just any tree, Tree-ona Elmsly.
Mitchell: Oh, no. That's terrible. That's our picnic tree.
Lily: It's a nightmare.
Mitchell: Well, someone's picked up her daddy's gift for hyperbole.
Cameron: They are literally chainsawing paradise to put up a parking lot.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I blame myself. I've taken on too much.
Mitchell: What exactly have you taken on?
Cameron: Are you kidding me? Teaching music? This dresser handle project? My role in the musical?
Mitchell: Oh, that.
Cameron: You know what? I don't like your tone. The understudy's the most challenging role in any production. You have to be ready at a moment's notice to go on and face a disappointed audience who was there to see Kenny van Heffington.
Mitchell: Our insurance guy?
Cameron: He's breathtaking.
Mitchell: Really?
Cameron: Yeah, I hate him. Anyway, what was I talking about?
Mitchell: Putting new handles on the dresser.
Cameron: Right. The tree. I have to do something.

Quote from Manny

Manny: I'll put on my sporty shoes. Where are they?
Gloria: They're still in the box. And don't forget to take out the paper before you put them on, okay?
Jay: And they're called sneakers.

Quote from Phil

Bill: Phil in the blank!
Phil: Bill of rights! Jerry-atric! Alan's dad!

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: Cam, what are you doing up there?
Cameron: I came down to say goodbye to the tree, give it one final hug, and before I knew it, I was up here.
Mitchell: When you say "one final hug"-
Cameron: If I'm occupying the tree, they can't cut it down. I googled it. It's a thing.
Mitchell: Okay, Lily, see, this is a nightmare.
Lily: Tell me about it.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Where did you go?
Claire: To get a sweatshirt. We've been standing in the frozen food aisle for half an hour.
Gloria: I need something frozen.
Claire: Right. What?
Gloria: I don't know. I just wrote the word "frozen."
Claire: Okay. Uh, let's think. Peas. Ice cream. Pizza. Waffles.
Gloria: Wait a minute. It says "dozen." I need the eggs!

Quote from Manny

Luke: Come on, guys! You're killing us!
Doug: Where the heck is Mexico?
Manny: Good news, gentlemen! I found another rope. If we double-Dutch, everyone wins.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Okay, hold still. And wait for it. This is what you'd look like fat and bald.
Bill: On my phone, that app's called a camera.
Phil: Bill, don't do that to yourself. Let me tell you something. Ellen is one lucky woman. [all laugh]
Jay: Why is that funny?
Phil: Because she's married to Jerry.

Quote from Jay

Jerry: Jay, you got any good apps?
Jay: I don't know. I got call waiting. Is that an app? [all laugh] You guys laugh a lot, huh?
Phil: Jay's a little technologically challenged.
Jay: From a guy who can't drive a stick.
Jerry: What?
Bill: You can't?
Jay: Well he called me to rescue him one time. He got stuck on a hill. He was afraid to let go of the clutch. Well by the time I got there, traffic's backed up half a mile, everybody's yelling at him. He's in tears.
Phil: Not tears. Maybe sweat.
Jay: Yeah, sweatin' out your eyes.

Quote from Alex

Alex: [aside to camera] I had about ten pretty bad pictures of Haley. I could have quit right there, but I'm a perfectionist. I thought, "I could do better. She could look worse."

Quote from Mitchell

Police Officer: What's the problem?
Mitchell: Look, I don't want to be up here. You know? But this is my daughter's favorite tree. And my partner- He's all up in arms about them cutting it down, so...
Police Officer: Well, if your partner's so worked up, why isn't he here?
Mitchell: Oh, well, that's a very good question. It's because he starts things, and he doesn't finish them, so then I have to.
Police Officer: Just like my wife. You know, my therapist would say we're "enabling" them.

Quote from Mitchell

Police Officer: It's not your fight. So why don't you do us a favor, and come on down?
Mitchell: Because he's right, all right? That's the frustrating part. I-I've been sitting up here these past few hours, and this tree is beautiful, okay? And I-I can hear the squirrels dancing through the branches, you know, chasing each other, no idea what's about to happen. You know, this isn't just a tree. This is a home.
Construction Worker: Yeah, to, like, a hundred rats. They're all over this thing.
Mitchell: Well, that changes nothing. I will wait you guys out all night if I have to. [on the phone] Cam, you got 20 minutes, and I'm out of this tree. Terry, you wanna get ready with that hose?

Quote from Haley

Haley: Oh, my God! A gold bracelet! Hey, can we keep what we find?

Quote from Phil

Phil: I scooped ice cream all summer for that boombox!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen! Oakwood rep's production of "Cats"! Make sure you catch it this week. Word on the street is the understudy steals the show! Mitchell, I get two more shows! Kenny van Heffington's toenail is infected!

Quote from Gloria

Claire: Look, as I said before, it was an accident.
Store Manager: Heard it a thousand times. Grandmothers, businessmen, honor students. They all say the same thing, "It was an accident. I don't know how that clock radio got in my pants."
Gloria: Oh, for God sake! I don't feel well. Let us go.
Store Manager: Yeah, right. Is that even a baby? 'Cause from here, it looks like a turkey.

Quote from Joe

Phil: Sorry about that. I went a little nuts there. I don't know what happened.
Jay: I do. I was ragging on you in front of your friends.
Phil: Oh, yeah.
Jay: Sorry about that. I couldn't think of anything else to say.
Phil: Why not?
Jay: I got 20, 25 years on those guys. We got nothing in common. It's only gonna get worse. I mean, what's it gonna be like with the new kid in ten years?
Phil: Oh, my goodness. You're insecure and vulnerable. This is the cutest thing I've ever seen.
Jay: Shut up.
Phil: Who's a shy bunny?
Jay: You wanna go one more round, without the gloves?

Quote from Manny

Phil: I'm just playing around, Jay. I don't care how old you are. I could sit and talk to you all day. Those guys really liked you, too.
Jay: I don't care about that. Did they? Even Jerry?
Phil: Yes.
Jay: Well, maybe you're right. I mean, Manny didn't want to come, and look at him. Looks like he's having a great time.
Manny: So then Luke's dad grabs the taser from me, and he was like, "uhh! Uhh!"
Phil: No. No! That's not how it happened.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Ay! Ay! It hurts!
Claire: Hang in there! Hang in there! I'll get you to the hospital as soon as I can!
Store Manager: I just want to apologize, one more time on behalf of the store for any stress that I might have caused you. Here, you can keep the sweatshirt as a gift. And congratulations on this baby, which is clearly not a turkey. That was-
Gloria: Go away now!

Quote from Gloria

Claire: What hospital are we going to?
Gloria: No! No hospital!
Claire: No hospital. Wow. Wow, you're one of those, huh? Okay, please don't have it in the pool, though. 'Cause we swim in there.
Gloria: I'm not having the baby, Claire. I was just faking it.
Claire: What?
Gloria: Not bad for someone with pregnancy brain, huh?

Quote from Claire

Gloria: I'm sorry. I just couldn't sit there and watch you suffer just because you had turned your brain off.
Claire: Okay, I deserved that. [sirens wail] Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no. I just blew through a red light. Damn. You think you can keep the pregnancy thing up for a little while longer?
Gloria: Ay! I feel the head! Feel it! Feel it!
Claire: Save it! Save it for the cop! Save it.

Quote from Lily

Cameron: That's it?
Mitchell: That's it. So I'll go to city hall on Monday and see what I can do, but you did it, Cam!
Cameron: No, we did it. I had to run away, and you stepped in, and like an understudy, you gave a brilliant performance.
Mitchell: Yeah, but you're the star.
Cameron: Oh, well... [giggles]
Lily: Can we stop doing this and go home?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Oh, hey, Gloria. Listen, I called Jay about borrowing a drill for my dresser handles.
Jay: I got it right here, Cam! Oh, jeez. What's with the getup?
Gloria: Ay, good. You see that, too?
Jay: Stella, stop. Ay, shh, shh, shh.
Gloria: Sorry, Cam.
Cameron: Oh, no, don't be. I take it as a compliment. [hisses at Stella] "Cats" - now and forever. Actually, just till next Thursday. It's been described as "transcendent."


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