Gloria: Oh, I see what this is. You called Claire to babysit the stupid pregnant lady!
Jay: You're the one who called her.
Gloria: I did?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I called Claire. Gloria needs watching. She's got a serious case of pregnancy brain. Last week, I found a bar of soap in the fridge and a stick of butter in the shower. I walked around all day smelling like a bucket of popcorn.
Manny: Better than the toast I ate.
Jay: Yet you ate the second piece.

Manny: Look, I'm Mexico. Again. Does anybody care that I'm not from Mexico?
Luke: You keep saying that, but we've never seen a birth certificate.

Gloria: Ugh. I want to be so mad at him, but he's right. I have two brains in my body, but I've never been so dumb.
Claire: It happens. I get it. You have another human being inside of you, competing for resources. Look, when I was pregnant with Alex, I could barely remember my name.
Gloria: Same with Haley and Luke?
Claire: Mm, not so much. They kind of just hung out in there, let me do my thing.

Cameron: You know what? You're a list-maker, a planner. I'm a doer and an action taker! Sean Penn would play me in a movie about this, or Anne Hathaway, if they wanted a female-driven vehicle.
Mitchell: And who would play your long-suffering partner?
Cameron: Julianne Moore, either way.
Mitchell: I would totally see that. I would.

Alex: [aside to camera] Last summer, my sister took a totally humiliating photo of me. Then she posted it to Facebook and refused to take it down. It got 873 likes. Meanwhile, there's not one embarrassing photo of Haley. Even her mug shots were cute. Today, I get my revenge. One photo of Haley, dirty, sweaty, picking up trash like a criminal. It'll be my finest moment. In a few years, I hope to have some more friends and not have time for this kind of stuff.

Jay: So he's out in our yard and he's got a boombox. What's the name of that movie with the boombox?
Jerry: Oh, "Say Anything."
Jay: With John Mahoney. So anyway, he's out there, and he's begging Claire for forgiveness. She's still mad at him. She won't have any of it. So he turns it up full-blast, and it's Olivia Newton-John. And he starts singing, "Let's get Phil-sical"! [all laugh]
Phil: It was an inside joke.

Haley: It's really sweet of you, Luke, but there's just gonna be a bunch of drunk drivers and vandalizers who were stupid enough to get caught.
Alex: Or stupid enough to use the word "vandalizers." [everybody's silent] It's vandals. I'm so alone.

Jay: [aside to camera] I wasn't worried. I'd boxed in the Navy. And it was Phil. And here's something I thought I'd never say: I'd rather box my daughter's husband than my son's.

Claire: Haley, hurry up. You're gonna be late. Alex, what are you doing?
Alex: I need to document Haley's first day on the chain gang.
Phil: It's not a chain gang. It's community service. And leave her alone. She feels bad enough as it is.
Haley: Okay, I'm torn. On one hand, I'm like, "Ugh, I have to pick up garbage all day." And on the other hand, I'm like, "Look at me in orange." [Alex takes a photo] Aw, that's cute. Send that to me.

Claire: [aside to camera] Haley had a little run-in with the law in college.
Phil: She was arrested for assaulting a police officer.
Haley: Accidentally. I fell on him.
Phil: While evading arrest for underage drinking.
Haley: That was on purpose.
Claire: They were very lenient with her. She only has to do community service.
Haley: Because I do not have any priors.
Phil: Taking a little too much pride in that, sweetheart.