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‘The Graduates’ Quotes

Modern Family: The Graduates

822. The Graduates

Aired May 17, 2017

After Manny's father, Javier, shows up to take him out the night before his graduation, Jay steps in to pick up the pieces. As Claire tries to be the calm, steady parent ahead of Luke's graduation, Haley and Alex push Phil to get all his crying out before the ceremony. Meanwhile, Mitchell and Cameron wonder whether Lily should skip a grade, after they learn she is academically gifted.

Quote from Jay

Manny: Mom, you're already cooking for tomorrow? Don't make a big deal.
Gloria: My baby's graduating. He won the award for Integrity and Character. "No absence, no tardies, respectful to students and teachers alike."
Jay: My school had an award like that, but instead of a sash, that kid got a punch in the mouth. Proud of you, though.
Manny: Why do all your stories involve a punch in the face, a shifty European, or a broad who's been around the block?
Jay: That reminds me of when I had to rough up this Italian kid because he didn't want me dating his sister. She was no nun!

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Quote from Javier

Javier: How could I miss it? Manny, the first member of my family to ever graduate from high school.
Jay: Wait a minute. Don't you have a brother in Colombia who's a doctor?
Javier: Yes.
Gloria: He just does orthopedic surgery, not brain or heart.

Quote from Phil

Claire: [singsong] There he is, the graduate.
Phil: I have one word for you, Luke... plastics.
Claire: [normal voice] I don't think he knows that movie, honey.
Phil: Mrs. Dunphy, you're trying to seduce me.

Quote from Phil

Alex: Dad, we really got to talk about the crying. When we graduated, you were a mess, and it was humiliating.
Phil: Showing emotion is part of being a sexy modern man. Ask anyone who was raised on Alan Alda.

Quote from Luke

Claire: The thing is, we love the car. We were so moved by the gesture.
Phil: [voice breaking] So moved. Hey! I'm back! I guess I just needed to rehydrate.
Claire: Oh. But we can't keep it. Honey, it's just... it's too generous.
Luke: But I love you guys so much.
Phil: You're the graduate. You need the car. It's yours.
Luke: I don't know what to say.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: How 'bout "nailed it"? I wanted that sweet ride from the moment I saw it, but I knew my parents would never let me get it. I also knew they'd never keep it if I gave it to them, so... If there were any S.A.T. questions about tricking your parents, I'd be going to college.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: What's cooking?
Gloria: My mother's recipe, guinea-pig pie.
Jay: Smells good.
Gloria: You just accept that? It's pecan. How cuckoo do you think my country is?
Jay: It's come to this? "What's cooking" and "smells good" gets me in trouble?

Quote from Javier

Javier: Think of it, tomorrow, I will watch you stride across the stage with a sash, like a rebel's bandolier, telling the world "No absents, no tardies."

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Manny and I were gonna grill some steaks and drink some, um, beers.
Javier: Thank you, Jay, but if it's all right with you, I would like to take Manny out for a special father-son celebration.
Manny: Is that okay?
Jay: Ah, sure. I mean, he made the effort to come. Didn't have time to button his shirt all the way up. But... go ahead.
Javier: Perfect! The night begins. But first... here. [spritzing] Walk through this. [chuckles]
Gloria: I know that smells terrible, but I've never seen that man get a mosquito bite.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Okay, let's just give him the gift, all right?
Phil: Okay, but first, gather around, everybody! Riddle me this. What has two hands, is wound tight, and has a lot of ticks?
Luke: Alex? [laughter]
Phil: Good guess, but no. This was made in Switzerland, not in the Disneyland Hotel.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] I loved the macaroni necklace he made me in first grade, and I even used the perfume he gave me in fifth grade, but this car is so gaudy. People are gonna think I played for the Knicks in the '70s.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: This is for our Lily. T-they're suggesting that she skip fifth grade and go right into middle school next year. "Lily is testing far above her grade level..."
Cameron: What?
Mitchell: "... and we feel she would benefit "from a more challenging curriculum."
Cameron: Huh.
Mitchell: I know! All these years we thought that she was, uh... God, what's the word?
Cameron: Different? Peculiar? Odd? Mean?
Mitchell: So many words. But... she was just really smart. Holed up in her room every day after school, she wasn't...
Cameron: Plotting to kill us?
Mitchell: I was gonna say daydreaming.

Quote from Gloria

Joe: Mama, I have a stomachache. And my ankle is broken.
Gloria: [gasps] And you can walk with your broken ankle?
[Joe drops to the ground]
Jay: I had a cousin got out of Vietnam that way.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: Whenever Manny's getting a lot of attention, Joe gets very needy... "My head," "My arm." In Colombia, we say, "If it's not bleeding, shut your guinea-pig hole." We actually do eat guinea pig.

Quote from Haley

Phil: Baby pictures of Luke?
Alex: More than baby pictures. You're gonna watch Luke grow up to sappy music.
Phil: Why are you doing this?
Haley: To get all the crying out of your system so you don't melt down at the graduation. It's like when you drink too much and your friends get you super-wasted so you never drink again for the rest of the week.

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: It's so weird... every time I step into a middle school, I feel like I'm 14 [shudders] again. That... was on me. He wasn't gonna do anything.
Lily: How much is his therapy costing again?
Cameron: [sighs] We used to think that was snark. Now we know it's wit.

Quote from Phil

Alex: Well, that's it.
Haley: Hopefully you're all cried out.
Phil: You remember when he hid that mouse trap under the pillow to catch the tooth fairy? [sobs]
Alex: Dad, we got to start getting ready for the graduation.
Haley: Yeah, so maybe splash some cold water on your face and wrap it up.
Phil: Do you guys remember that "Luke Loves Daddy" rap? [rapping] ♪ My name is Luke Dunphy ♪ ♪ And I'm here to say ♪ ♪ I love Daddy ♪ [sobs]
Haley: I thought you said he'd be cried out by now.
Alex: Dad, please, you really got to stop.
Phil: That's what he said when I was the tickle monster! [wails]

Quote from Claire

Joe: Hey, look at me! I'm about to talk to a stranger!

Quote from Phil

Claire: My baby, my baby!
Phil: Well done, son.
Haley: [voice breaking] Remember how cute he was in his little Buzz Lightyear costume?
Alex: [voice breaking] Or how he used to say "burfday" and "Li-bary"?
Claire: He still does.
Phil: [flatly] This is tearing me up.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Um, what are you doing?
Cameron: Well, I'm just trying to see if there's anything else about Lily we haven't noticed. Like... she plays golf?
Mitchell: No, we would know. Aren't there greens fees?
Cameron: And what about this? "La Dolce Vita"?
Mitchell: She likes Italian films? Well, no wonder she thought "Ice Age: Collision Course" was boring.
Cameron: I liked it.
Mitchell: What else? [gasps] A photo of Lily shaking hands with the governor?!
Cameron: What? When?! Okay, maybe we need to start paying more attention.
Mitchell: Or if it ain't broke...
Cameron: Yeah, she's fine.
Mitchell: She's fine.


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