Manny: Mom, you're already cooking for tomorrow? Don't make a big deal.
Gloria: My baby's graduating. He won the award for Integrity and Character. "No absence, no tardies, respectful to students and teachers alike."
Jay: My school had an award like that, but instead of a sash, that kid got a punch in the mouth. Proud of you, though.
Manny: Why do all your stories involve a punch in the face, a shifty European, or a broad who's been around the block?
Jay: That reminds me of when I had to rough up this Italian kid because he didn't want me dating his sister. She was no nun!

Javier: How could I miss it? Manny, the first member of my family to ever graduate from high school.
Jay: Wait a minute. Don't you have a brother in Colombia who's a doctor?
Javier: Yes.
Gloria: He just does orthopedic surgery, not brain or heart.

Claire: [singsong] There he is, the graduate.
Phil: I have one word for you, Luke... plastics.
Claire: [normal voice] I don't think he knows that movie, honey.
Phil: Mrs. Dunphy, you're trying to seduce me.

Alex: Dad, we really got to talk about the crying. When we graduated, you were a mess, and it was humiliating.
Phil: Showing emotion is part of being a sexy modern man. Ask anyone who was raised on Alan Alda.

Claire: The thing is, we love the car. We were so moved by the gesture.
Phil: [voice breaking] So moved. Hey! I'm back! I guess I just needed to rehydrate.
Claire: Oh. But we can't keep it. Honey, it's just... it's too generous.
Luke: But I love you guys so much.
Phil: You're the graduate. You need the car. It's yours.
Luke: I don't know what to say.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: How 'bout "nailed it"? I wanted that sweet ride from the moment I saw it, but I knew my parents would never let me get it. I also knew they'd never keep it if I gave it to them, so... If there were any S.A.T. questions about tricking your parents, I'd be going to college.

Jay: What's cooking?
Gloria: My mother's recipe, guinea-pig pie.
Jay: Smells good.
Gloria: You just accept that? It's pecan. How cuckoo do you think my country is?
Jay: It's come to this? "What's cooking" and "smells good" gets me in trouble?

Javier: Think of it, tomorrow, I will watch you stride across the stage with a sash, like a rebel's bandolier, telling the world "No absents, no tardies."

Jay: Manny and I were gonna grill some steaks and drink some, um, beers.
Javier: Thank you, Jay, but if it's all right with you, I would like to take Manny out for a special father-son celebration.
Manny: Is that okay?
Jay: Ah, sure. I mean, he made the effort to come. Didn't have time to button his shirt all the way up. But... go ahead.
Javier: Perfect! The night begins. But first... here. [spritzing] Walk through this. [chuckles]
Gloria: I know that smells terrible, but I've never seen that man get a mosquito bite.

Claire: Okay, let's just give him the gift, all right?
Phil: Okay, but first, gather around, everybody! Riddle me this. What has two hands, is wound tight, and has a lot of ticks?
Luke: Alex? [laughter]
Phil: Good guess, but no. This was made in Switzerland, not in the Disneyland Hotel.

Claire: [aside to camera] I loved the macaroni necklace he made me in first grade, and I even used the perfume he gave me in fifth grade, but this car is so gaudy. People are gonna think I played for the Knicks in the '70s.