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48Quotes from ‘The Graduates’

Modern Family: The Graduates

822. The Graduates

Aired May 17, 2017

After Manny's father, Javier, shows up to take him out the night before his graduation, Jay steps in to pick up the pieces. As Claire tries to be the calm, steady parent ahead of Luke's graduation, Haley and Alex push Phil to get all his crying out before the ceremony. Meanwhile, Mitchell and Cameron wonder whether Lily should skip a grade, after they learn she is academically gifted.

Quote from Jay

Manny: Mom, you're already cooking for tomorrow? Don't make a big deal.
Gloria: My baby's graduating. He won the award for Integrity and Character. "No absence, no tardies, respectful to students and teachers alike."
Jay: My school had an award like that, but instead of a sash, that kid got a punch in the mouth. Proud of you, though.
Manny: Why do all your stories involve a punch in the face, a shifty European, or a broad who's been around the block?
Jay: That reminds me of when I had to rough up this Italian kid because he didn't want me dating his sister. She was no nun!

Quote from Javier

Javier: How could I miss it? Manny, the first member of my family to ever graduate from high school.
Jay: Wait a minute. Don't you have a brother in Colombia who's a doctor?
Javier: Yes.
Gloria: He just does orthopedic surgery, not brain or heart.

Quote from Phil

Claire: [singsong] There he is, the graduate.
Phil: I have one word for you, Luke... plastics.
Claire: [normal voice] I don't think he knows that movie, honey.
Phil: Mrs. Dunphy, you're trying to seduce me.

Quote from Phil

Alex: Dad, we really got to talk about the crying. When we graduated, you were a mess, and it was humiliating.
Phil: Showing emotion is part of being a sexy modern man. Ask anyone who was raised on Alan Alda.

Quote from Luke

Claire: The thing is, we love the car. We were so moved by the gesture.
Phil: [voice breaking] So moved. Hey! I'm back! I guess I just needed to rehydrate.
Claire: Oh. But we can't keep it. Honey, it's just... it's too generous.
Luke: But I love you guys so much.
Phil: You're the graduate. You need the car. It's yours.
Luke: I don't know what to say.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: How 'bout "nailed it"? I wanted that sweet ride from the moment I saw it, but I knew my parents would never let me get it. I also knew they'd never keep it if I gave it to them, so... If there were any S.A.T. questions about tricking your parents, I'd be going to college.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: What's cooking?
Gloria: My mother's recipe, guinea-pig pie.
Jay: Smells good.
Gloria: You just accept that? It's pecan. How cuckoo do you think my country is?
Jay: It's come to this? "What's cooking" and "smells good" gets me in trouble?

Quote from Javier

Javier: Think of it, tomorrow, I will watch you stride across the stage with a sash, like a rebel's bandolier, telling the world "No absents, no tardies."

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Manny and I were gonna grill some steaks and drink some, um, beers.
Javier: Thank you, Jay, but if it's all right with you, I would like to take Manny out for a special father-son celebration.
Manny: Is that okay?
Jay: Ah, sure. I mean, he made the effort to come. Didn't have time to button his shirt all the way up. But... go ahead.
Javier: Perfect! The night begins. But first... here. [spritzing] Walk through this. [chuckles]
Gloria: I know that smells terrible, but I've never seen that man get a mosquito bite.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Okay, let's just give him the gift, all right?
Phil: Okay, but first, gather around, everybody! Riddle me this. What has two hands, is wound tight, and has a lot of ticks?
Luke: Alex? [laughter]
Phil: Good guess, but no. This was made in Switzerland, not in the Disneyland Hotel.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] I loved the macaroni necklace he made me in first grade, and I even used the perfume he gave me in fifth grade, but this car is so gaudy. People are gonna think I played for the Knicks in the '70s.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: This is for our Lily. T-they're suggesting that she skip fifth grade and go right into middle school next year. "Lily is testing far above her grade level..."
Cameron: What?
Mitchell: "... and we feel she would benefit "from a more challenging curriculum."
Cameron: Huh.
Mitchell: I know! All these years we thought that she was, uh... God, what's the word?
Cameron: Different? Peculiar? Odd? Mean?
Mitchell: So many words. But... she was just really smart. Holed up in her room every day after school, she wasn't...
Cameron: Plotting to kill us?
Mitchell: I was gonna say daydreaming.

Quote from Gloria

Joe: Mama, I have a stomachache. And my ankle is broken.
Gloria: [gasps] And you can walk with your broken ankle?
[Joe drops to the ground]
Jay: I had a cousin got out of Vietnam that way.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: Whenever Manny's getting a lot of attention, Joe gets very needy... "My head," "My arm." In Colombia, we say, "If it's not bleeding, shut your guinea-pig hole." We actually do eat guinea pig.

Quote from Haley

Phil: Baby pictures of Luke?
Alex: More than baby pictures. You're gonna watch Luke grow up to sappy music.
Phil: Why are you doing this?
Haley: To get all the crying out of your system so you don't melt down at the graduation. It's like when you drink too much and your friends get you super-wasted so you never drink again for the rest of the week.

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: It's so weird... every time I step into a middle school, I feel like I'm 14 [shudders] again. That... was on me. He wasn't gonna do anything.
Lily: How much is his therapy costing again?
Cameron: [sighs] We used to think that was snark. Now we know it's wit.

Quote from Phil

Alex: Well, that's it.
Haley: Hopefully you're all cried out.
Phil: You remember when he hid that mouse trap under the pillow to catch the tooth fairy? [sobs]
Alex: Dad, we got to start getting ready for the graduation.
Haley: Yeah, so maybe splash some cold water on your face and wrap it up.
Phil: Do you guys remember that "Luke Loves Daddy" rap? [rapping] ♪ My name is Luke Dunphy ♪ ♪ And I'm here to say ♪ ♪ I love Daddy ♪ [sobs]
Haley: I thought you said he'd be cried out by now.
Alex: Dad, please, you really got to stop.
Phil: That's what he said when I was the tickle monster! [wails]

Quote from Claire

Joe: Hey, look at me! I'm about to talk to a stranger!

Quote from Phil

Claire: My baby, my baby!
Phil: Well done, son.
Haley: [voice breaking] Remember how cute he was in his little Buzz Lightyear costume?
Alex: [voice breaking] Or how he used to say "burfday" and "Li-bary"?
Claire: He still does.
Phil: [flatly] This is tearing me up.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Um, what are you doing?
Cameron: Well, I'm just trying to see if there's anything else about Lily we haven't noticed. Like... she plays golf?
Mitchell: No, we would know. Aren't there greens fees?
Cameron: And what about this? "La Dolce Vita"?
Mitchell: She likes Italian films? Well, no wonder she thought "Ice Age: Collision Course" was boring.
Cameron: I liked it.
Mitchell: What else? [gasps] A photo of Lily shaking hands with the governor?!
Cameron: What? When?! Okay, maybe we need to start paying more attention.
Mitchell: Or if it ain't broke...
Cameron: Yeah, she's fine.
Mitchell: She's fine.

Quote from Jay

Javier: Hello, hello?! Where's my son?
Manny: Dad!
Javier: Ha ha ha!
Jay: What, did he hop the gate?

Quote from Phil

Luke: Awesome! A watch!
Phil: We wanted to give it to you early so you could wear it to graduation today.
Claire: Yeah. It's shockproof.
Alex: Oh, good. You can show it your grades.
Luke: I love it.
Phil: What time is it? [voice breaking] Time for my little man to go out in the world and make his mark, like the tiny trouper he used to be.
Luke: [sighs] Hold on. I'll be right back.
Phil: I remember when he was so small, we'd give him a bath in the sink.

Quote from Claire

Claire: I don't think we have to worry about him going anywhere anytime soon. He just installed a mini fridge and a hammock in his room.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Mom, Dad, you did all the hard work getting me through high school. You deserve a gift. But what do you get the Cadillac of parents? [outside] A Rolls-Royce.
Claire: Oh, my goodness! How did you afford that?
Luke: It was only $2,000. Judge Thompson, from the club, got me into a police auction. If I had 40 more dollars, you'd be looking at a speedboat.

Quote from Claire

Phil: It's the most beautiful gesture I have ever seen.
Luke: It's 100% class. Hey, Mom, didn't you say you had some errands to run?
Claire: Oh. I... in a little while. Uh, yeah. But... um, gosh, it's got fur. Wow. It's like driving a lion.
Luke: Hey, before you go, give us a honk.
Claire: All right. [horn honks to the tune of "We're in the Money"] The horn doesn't help, does it?

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: So, I've narrowed it down to Swiss Coffee and Whispering White. But I can't decide between matte or satin.
Cameron: I thought we landed on Eggshell.
Mitchell: We decided against Eggshell. W-why don't we just sell the house?
Cameron: Why don't we just paint the floor Eggshell since that's what I'm walking on.

Quote from Lily

Lily: I forgot to give this to you.
Mitchell: Oh, thank you. Have a good day at school, sweetie.
Cameron: Bye, sweetie.
Lily: It's fourth grade. We're all just treading water.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Is she in trouble?
Mitchell: No! She's... smart.
Cameron: She is?
Mitchell: That's what it says.
Cameron: Are you sure it's not for Lily Rosen? You were at that science fair. She brought that frog back to life!

Quote from Manny

Jay: How was your big night with Javier?
Manny: [groans] I overindulged.
Jay: Booze or burgers?
Manny: Booze. I drank so much, I had an angry slap fight with what turned out to be a mirror.
Gloria: [o.s.] Do I hear my Manny?!
Jay: When you're hungover, it's like a car alarm.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Ay. iHola, papi! Happy graduation day! [party horn blowing, laughs]
Manny: That's delightful.
Gloria: I need your sash and your gown. So that I can press it. I don't want anyone looking wrinkly. [to Jay] I don't mean you, but it's fun that you're right there.

Quote from Jay

Jay: What's wrong?
Manny: I kind of misplaced my cap and gown and sash.
Jay: Maybe they're at that strip club you went to last night.
Manny: Shh! How did you know?
Jay: It's all over your face.
Manny: My shame?
Jay: Glitter.

Quote from Manny

Manny: We picked up my graduation stuff on the way, and... I don't know. I guess the tassel got my dad thinking.
Jay: Why didn't you leave them in the car?
Manny: I didn't want them to get stolen. And I may have taken it out to impress a certain Chyna with a "Y." I think she really liked me.
Jay: I'm not gonna spoil that one for ya.
Manny: I graduate in five hours!
Jay: We'll get you another cap and gown.
Manny: That sash has been worn by every honoree for decades. I'm not gonna be the one to lose it after it's survived earthquakes and wars and the lunchroom gravy fire of '64!
Jay: Fine. Where is this place?
Manny: I don't know! I remember there was a lot of brass and mirrors and loud '80s music.
Jay: Well, that narrows it down.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: But if Lily really is gifted, then maybe there's another path... private schools.Although, I do love the diversity of a public school. On the other hand, I do wonder...
Cameron: Okay, you know what? We're just deciding if she's gonna skip a grade. We're not charting out the next years of her life.
Mitchell: Well, no, choices have consequences. If we don't do this right, she could lose all interest in school and drop out, and the next thing you know, we're supporting her and her deadbeat boyfriend and our savings are drained, and then we have to sell the house!
Cameron: Okay, why do all your meltdowns have to do with us selling the house?

Quote from Lily

Principal Petersen: Lily, do you want to see the computer lab?
Lily: This feels like a good time to tell you I'm adopted.

Quote from Joe

Joe: Mama, now my tooth hurts.
Gloria: Well, I guess you can't have cake today.
Joe: What if it's my leg?

Quote from Claire

Gloria: Hey, Claire, are you having fun at the Gym Town?
Claire: As a matter of fact, I am. This is my new friend, Charlie. He loves dinosaurs, and tomorrow we're both gonna have pink eye.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Hi, Charlie! Can you go and find the negligent adult that brought you here?
Claire: Oh, do you have to go so soon? He smells so good!
Gloria: Yeah, you're like two sniffs away from a felony.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: What is going on?
Claire: I gave Phil such a hard time for being too emotional about Luke's graduation, but I think it's hitting me more than I want to admit.
Gloria: I know. It happens so fast.
Claire: Luke used to love coming here. Today he gave us a Rolls-Royce.
Gloria: The one outside is yours? I thought I was gonna be able to meet Mr. Burt Reynolds!

Quote from Claire

Claire: You're lucky. When Manny goes, you still have Joe.
Gloria: Yeah, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. We just have face it, they're not boys anymore. They're men.
Claire: Luke has a job, and he's dating. He can serve on a jury. God, that's terrifying.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: I know. Manny ditched us last night to go drinking. He thinks I don't know, but I know. He smelled like a sweaty peppermint.
Claire: I saw the pictures that he texted Luke from the strip club.
Gloria: Is that where Javier took him?
Claire: Oh. You did not know that. I'm sorry. But it- it looked like one of the classier establishments. The girl that was sitting on Manny's lap had on a really cute top, at- at least in the first picture.
Gloria: The one time that I thought that he was going to be a good father, and he teaches Manny how to be a dog! I'm gonna kill him.

Quote from Jay

Manny: Oh, yes. This is it. This is the one. Ugh. It wasn't this depressing last night.
Jay: The lunch scene in a strip joint is like a refugee camp with less hope.

Quote from Jay

Manny: I'm such a screw-up. Huh. "Integrity." It should say "Perverted Schnapps Maniac." [sniffs] Oh, God. It smells like Miss Dictorian's perfume. I can't wear this. I'm a fraud. No absents? Oh, I've got one big absent, my soul.
Jay: Manny, you've spent your whole life trying to be perfect, and this is throwing you for a loop, I get it. But if you just look around this room, you'll realize people make mistakes. You could do way worse than you did last night, and it ain't gonna change a thing. So my advice, try to be a little easier on yourself.

Quote from Javier

Gloria: I hope that you had fun last night.
Javier: Oh, I did. It was a magical time.
Gloria: I can't believe that you...
Javier: Me either. Look at our son over there, eh? He's perfect.
Gloria: Yeah, and then you come along and you expose him to all this...
Javier: Me? It was you who exposed him to so many amazing things. You raised him to be a wonderful man without my help. Every single thing that is good about him is because of you.
Gloria: I'm sorry?
Javier: I'm sorry. Thank you for being the finest mother to our son.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I'm sorry about earlier. It's not that I don't want Lily to be like you.
Mitchell: No, no. Hey. You're right, okay? I'm an indecisive mess. Of course I don't want that for her.
Cameron: And for the record, I don't want her to be like me, either. It's not like I'm exactly an overachiever.
Mitchell: That's true.
Cameron: Yeah, you jumped on that one pretty quick.

Quote from Mitchell

Lily: If you care about what I think, I want to skip.
Cameron: Are you sure, sweetie? Because it's a lot of pressure.
Lily: can handle it.
Mitchell: But what about all your friends? I mean, look at- Look at these kids. A lot of them have known each other since kindergarten.
Lily: I'll make new friends. Kids really like me.
Mitchell: So... she's popular?

Quote from Phil

Claire: Phil, I'm sorry I gave you grief earlier. Today has hit me much harder than I thought it would. It's okay to be emotional.
Phil: It's too late. I'm all cried out. It's like there's no more moisture left in my body. I'm afraid if I blink, my eyes will get stuck.
Claire: Hmm. Really? Do you remember that video where the lion greets the man... [voice breaking] and hugs him 'cause he hasn't seen him in years?
Phil: Yep. I sure do. I am dead inside.

Quote from Luke

Manny: Congrats, buddy.
Luke: Why does your gown smell like Haley's perfume?

Quote from Jay

Manny: Hey.
Jay: Hey. Congratulations on the first of what I'm sure will be many diplomas. Unless you want to skip all that and move to Colombia and become a radiologist.

Quote from Jay

Manny: Thanks for helping me with the cap-and-gown mess. I don't know what I would have done without you.
Jay: I'm just happy you and your dad got to have some father-son time last night.
Manny: Yeah.
Jay: What?
Manny: It's just... with me graduating and everything, I kind of wanted to say... you and me today, you know, that's what I think of as father-son time.
Jay: Let me tell you something. After my divorce, my rule for dating was no kids. And then you and your mom came along, and all of that went right out the window. What I'm trying to say is, here's to you, son. [glasses clink]
Manny: You know, I'm still kind of hungover.
Jay: You're a man now! Power through!

Quote from Cameron

Jay: You guys leaving already?
Alex: Yeah, we all have plans.
Cam: Wait. Lily?
Lily: There are nine girls who will freak if I don't make an appearance at Jenna's.
Cameron: I'm confused. I-is she fun?


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