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‘Baby Steps’ Quotes

Modern Family: Baby Steps

1115. Baby Steps

Aired March 18, 2020

Claire has landed an interview for her dream job and is thwarted on her way to the interview by Phil’s tricky staircase. Meanwhile, Cam and Mitch debate the pros and cons of adopting another baby after unexpectedly receiving a call from their adoption agency.

Quote from Jay

Claire: How ridiculous would I look taking a call on stairs? Plus, I need my shelves, 'cause I had this whole thing worked out with the products and...
Jay: You don't need gimmicks! You were the C.E.O. for Pritchett's freakin' Closets. You know how many people can say that? Me and you! And Margaret every five years, when I went under for my colonoscopy.

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Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: I keep making lists of all the pros and cons in my head. Uh, the... the way a baby smells is on both.
Cameron: Okay, alright. Pros, go.
Mitchell: Okay, well, a baby to love. The sound of giggling. [Cameron chuckles] You know, a bigger family, an extra vote on whether to pull the plug on us when we get old. I'm worried that Lily has an itchy trigger finger.
Cameron: Yeah, and another child would help us figure out how much of Lily's personality is our fault and what's on her.
Mitchell: It would be nice to be vindicated.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Ooh! Speaking of hot people, maybe I should go and recruit for NERP. For legal reasons, we need a science-y person to endorse product. Considering we're all a bunch of people who didn't graduate college, we sell a lot of products that go inside of you.
Alex: Yeah, no, it doesn't really work that way. A, you have to be invited, and B, no self-respecting scientist is going to endorse the nonsense your company is pushing.
Haley: Excuse me, but our copper-infused toothpaste is on the FDA's top ten items to watch, so...

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: Can I come down now? If I don't have the babies' bottles when they wake up, they're mean.
Jay: You're not even in the terrible twos yet.
Dylan: Oh, when do those start?

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Are... Are you awake?
Cameron: I slept for six minutes two hours ago. I'm gonna have to take a sleeping pill, which means you're gonna have to hide my car keys, laptop, and Reba McEntire wig.

Quote from Cameron

[aside to camera:]
Cameron: It's been a crazy couple days. Uh, yesterday, I found out I didn't get the college football coaching job that I had been chasing. I was... I was devastated.
Mitchell: And moments before that, we got a phone call from our old adoption agency with the opportunity for us to adopt a baby boy. So, a door closes...
Cameron: A window opens.
Mitchell: Yeah.
Cameron: But do you answer it?
Mitchell: You don't answer windows.
Cameron: Well, how fun for you. Cam made a little mistake.

Quote from Haley

Alex: I do cry less when I'm driven.
Haley: And that outfit is on point.
Alex: Well, I mean, it's... it's sort of a triumphant return for me. I spent four years there in sweats, with greasy hair, caring only about grades. The only time anyone ever noticed me was when I pulled out all my eyebrows during finals week. Now I have a big job, swanky apartment, shoes that cost more than my first laptop...
Haley: Oh, it's like a Rom-com... You left a nerd and returned a hot nerd.

Quote from Phil

[aside to camera:]
Claire: I've been out of work for a few months, and I've gotten kinda antsy. To channel my anxiety, I have cleaned, I have organized. Perhaps a bit obsessively.
Phil: Doctors were consulted.
Claire: One... a therapist, so not even a real doctor. But meds were quickly dismissed.
Phil: We didn't want the sexual side effects.

Quote from Dylan

Claire: My leg is stuck! Somebody do something!
Dylan: I'm really good at getting rings off. Do you want me to butter your thighs?
Jay: Hey, Dylan, sometimes I like to play things out in my head first, if that's helpful.

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: Hey, honey, uh, we need to talk to you about something.
Cameron: Sweetie, this is something pretty big, and I... I want you to brace yourself. The adoption agency called...
Lily: I'm not going back! Do you know what happens to soft, entitled kids in Da Nang?

Quote from Lily

Lily: Whatever stops you dropping by my sleepovers. You guys way too focused on me. Plus, I think it'd be fun to have a baby brother.
Cameron: Aw.
Lily: Although...
Mitchell: Although what?
Lily: Aren't you guys kind of old to be having a baby? I'm getting into the juicy part of my teen years. I don't want to have to take over for you.

Quote from Phil

Claire: It's not working! My leg is really stuck in there!
Luke: It might be time to return to my idea.
Claire: I'm not cutting my leg off.
Luke: Think about how fast you would run with a robot leg.
Phil: Luke, your mom's not getting a robot leg! She'd need two, or she'd just run in circles.

Quote from Phil

Jay: What the hell's the matter with this house? How could two steps be broken? [opens closet door] My God, the humidity. My hair's gonna frizz out. That's why I never show any pictures from 'Nam.
Phil: Oh, no, I totally forgot about the humidifier for my mushroom log. It needed darkness and moisture. It must have rotted the wood. Wow, honey, you're really wedged in here tight.
Claire: [o.s.] Yeah, no kidding.
Jay: Why can't you buy your mushrooms at a store, like a normal person?
Phil: Store-bought mushrooms? You really don't get my generation, Boomer.

Quote from Jay

Phil: Maybe this'll enlighten you. Open up.
Jay: Get your hand away from my...
Phil: Open up!
Jay: That's damn good. Why do I always default to "no"? Is Gloria right? Should I try slim-cut jeans?

Quote from Phil

Claire: I can't believe this. I'm going to miss my interview. And this was my dream job! I was gonna get to organize the whole world. [voice breaking] And now everything is gonna stay so messy.
Phil: Can't you just reschedule it?
Claire: No! Phil, I'd look like a flake! This is an organizational company, not the loosey-goosey world of real estate, where everything's "See you noon to three, and I'll bring the cookies"! Sorry. I'm lashing out.
Phil: No, it's okay. The lion doesn't lose sleep over the opinions of sheep.

Quote from Cameron

[aside to camera:]
Cameron: What Lily said really got to us. Maybe we are too old to have a new baby.
Mitchell: Yesterday, I found hairs on my ears and I yelled at the local news.
Cameron: And I called Seinfeld "Steinfeld."

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: You must be mistaken, because I had Joe when I was 35.
Cameron: No, I remember. You had just turned...
Mitchell: She's not gonna budge.

Quote from Gloria

Mitchell: Okay, j-just tell us, how hard is it?
Gloria: Well, are there nights where you don't sleep and you want to kill yourself? Of course. Are there shooting pains in your back from picking the baby and putting him down? Constantly.
Cameron: Okay, well, is there a but?
Gloria: It's hanging in there, but it's not the same.

Quote from Phil

Claire: I don't know, guys. Does it really look like I'm in my office?
Phil: Jaws wasn't a real shark, but I still wouldn't sit on a toilet seat for months.


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