Claire: I can't believe this. I'm going to miss my interview. And this was my dream job! I was gonna get to organize the whole world. [voice breaking] And now everything is gonna stay so messy.
Phil: Can't you just reschedule it?
Claire: No! Phil, I'd look like a flake! This is an organizational company, not the loosey-goosey world of real estate, where everything's "See you noon to three, and I'll bring the cookies"! Sorry. I'm lashing out.
Phil: No, it's okay. The lion doesn't lose sleep over the opinions of sheep.

Claire: How ridiculous would I look taking a call on stairs? Plus, I need my shelves, 'cause I had this whole thing worked out with the products and...
Jay: You don't need gimmicks! You were the C.E.O. for Pritchett's freakin' Closets. You know how many people can say that? Me and you! And Margaret every five years, when I went under for my colonoscopy.

Mitchell: I keep making lists of all the pros and cons in my head. Uh, the... the way a baby smells is on both.
Cameron: Okay, alright. Pros, go.
Mitchell: Okay, well, a baby to love. The sound of giggling. [Cameron chuckles] You know, a bigger family, an extra vote on whether to pull the plug on us when we get old. I'm worried that Lily has an itchy trigger finger.
Cameron: Yeah, and another child would help us figure out how much of Lily's personality is our fault and what's on her.
Mitchell: It would be nice to be vindicated.

Haley: Ooh! Speaking of hot people, maybe I should go and recruit for NERP. For legal reasons, we need a science-y person to endorse product. Considering we're all a bunch of people who didn't graduate college, we sell a lot of products that go inside of you.
Alex: Yeah, no, it doesn't really work that way. A, you have to be invited, and B, no self-respecting scientist is going to endorse the nonsense your company is pushing.
Haley: Excuse me, but our copper-infused toothpaste is on the FDA's top ten items to watch, so...

Dylan: Can I come down now? If I don't have the babies' bottles when they wake up, they're mean.
Jay: You're not even in the terrible twos yet.
Dylan: Oh, when do those start?

Claire: I don't know, guys. Does it really look like I'm in my office?
Phil: Jaws wasn't a real shark, but I still wouldn't sit on a toilet seat for months.

Mitchell: Are... Are you awake?
Cameron: I slept for six minutes two hours ago. I'm gonna have to take a sleeping pill, which means you're gonna have to hide my car keys, laptop, and Reba McEntire wig.

[aside to camera:]
Cameron: It's been a crazy couple days. Uh, yesterday, I found out I didn't get the college football coaching job that I had been chasing. I was... I was devastated.
Mitchell: And moments before that, we got a phone call from our old adoption agency with the opportunity for us to adopt a baby boy. So, a door closes...
Cameron: A window opens.
Mitchell: Yeah.
Cameron: But do you answer it?
Mitchell: You don't answer windows.
Cameron: Well, how fun for you. Cam made a little mistake.

Alex: I do cry less when I'm driven.
Haley: And that outfit is on point.
Alex: Well, I mean, it's... it's sort of a triumphant return for me. I spent four years there in sweats, with greasy hair, caring only about grades. The only time anyone ever noticed me was when I pulled out all my eyebrows during finals week. Now I have a big job, swanky apartment, shoes that cost more than my first laptop...
Haley: Oh, it's like a Rom-com... You left a nerd and returned a hot nerd.

[aside to camera:]
Claire: I've been out of work for a few months, and I've gotten kinda antsy. To channel my anxiety, I have cleaned, I have organized. Perhaps a bit obsessively.
Phil: Doctors were consulted.
Claire: One... a therapist, so not even a real doctor. But meds were quickly dismissed.
Phil: We didn't want the sexual side effects.