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‘Brushes with Celebrity’ Quotes

Modern Family: Brushes with Celebrity

908. Brushes with Celebrity

Aired November 29, 2017

The family recount their encounters with celebrities: Phil keels over in agony as he shows a house to his musical hero, Chris Martin of Coldplay; Jay's aversion to public service disappears when football legend Terry Bradshaw is selected for the jury; Gloria is angry after Manny's favorite playwright insults him; and Mitchell and Cameron run into the host of a garden renovation program at the garden center.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] Being in the closet business, I met a lot of famous people. I can't name names, but let's just say it's someone who's the boss.
Gloria: [gasps] You met Bruce Springsteen?
Jay: No, Tony Danza.
Gloria: Oh, from the TV show? Nah, she was the boss.
Jay: It's open to interpretation.

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Quote from Luke

Claire: I've read the same chapter eight times still don't get it.
Luke: Just say, "It holds a mirror up to society." You'll get your "C" and get out of there.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Never been a big Coldplay guy. I'm more into hip-hop, death metal, "Little Mermaid." That one really imprinted on me back in the day.

Quote from Jay

Lawyer: Do you have any experience with law enforcement?
Jay: Big time. I-I don't trust, uh, cops. Also, I despise robbery victims. They're the real criminals for clogging up our court system.
Judge: Nice try, Juror 3.
Jay: What about economic hardship? The last time I missed work, the California closet market collapsed. Some people think that caused the L.A. Riots.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] This was a nightmare. I was about to meet my hero, and I was experiencing this bizarre pain in in my nether region. Wait, I'm a grown man. I should be able to say it my left bean bag did it again. My tersticle- That's as close as I think I'm gonna get.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] One time I saw Jack Nicholson at the car wash.
Mitchell: I can't go through this again. Jack Nicholson does not drive a Hyundai Odyssey with a Co-Exist bumper sticker, Cam.

Quote from Claire

Alex: "The Unwitting Miss Castle." What's that about?
Claire: It's about three persecuted women in different time periods, or one time traveler with incredibly bad luck. I don't know which.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Somehow, I was able to join a very exclusive book club filled with the most intelligent women. I can never seem to impress them. They use words like "sanguine." I don't want to look like an idiot, so I use it, too. Isn't that the most sanguine thing you ever heard?
Alex: You're not using it right.

Quote from Phil

Phil: My stomach feels weird.
Claire: You're probably just nervous. Ooh, maybe you need someone to come with you.
Phil: No, he's there to buy a house, not talk about music, which is why I'm not even gonna mention that I'm a songwriter, too.
Claire: Oh, you wrote one song.
Phil: I said everything I had to say.
Claire: About a realtor.
Phil: It was about life! This is why they mock you at book club.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] Oh, here's a brush with celebrity I can actually talk about. Last summer, I was called upon to participate in the most American of traditions: getting out of jury duty.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] Terry Bradshaw. I love Terry Bradshaw!
[flashback:]
Judge: Juror 11, is there anything that might prevent you from serving effectively on this jury?
Terry Bradshaw: No scheduling conflicts, Your Honor. However, I am going through kind of a rough patch right now. You see, I lost my best friend.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Or did he just find one?
[back:]
Terry Bradshaw: But I'm happy to serve. I believe in the American legal system, and I believe it's all about teamwork.
Jay: [claps] That's a touchdown of an answer, champ. Uh, this lady here put me down for that. Are you ready for some justice?

Quote from Manny

Manny: Oh, my God.
Gloria: What? A celebrity?
Manny: It's Sam Anvilmaker.
Gloria: Who?
Manny: He wrote "The Forgetters and the Forgotten"? "Farce, American Style"? "Screw You For Reading This"?
Gloria: What the hell is happening?
Manny: Yes, that one, too! He's my favorite playwright.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] And then, I saw Daniel Day-Lewis at our dry cleaner.
Mitchell: Not him. No. Uh, the time we actually saw a celebrity was last December when we were shopping for gardening supplies.
Cameron: I'll never forget the feeling of having Lincoln look directly into my eyes and saying, "We couldn't get the barbecue sauce out."

Quote from Jay

Jay: You? Hey, this robbery case, huh? Now, I know we don't have all the facts yet, but I think it might be hard for me to lock up a "Steeler." [Terry Bradshaw laughs] I try to keep it light.

Quote from Jay

Jay: In the '70s, it was a better game. You guys did everything offense, defense. Didn't I see you mow the field one night before the game?
Terry Bradshaw: You know, that's how I made my money?
Jay: [laughs] I can't actually believe that I'm having lunch with Terry Bradshaw. I mean, from football fame to country music stardom to big-screen idol.
Terry Bradshaw: "Smokey and the Bandit II." Now that was a challenge. To play yourself, that can be kind of tricky.
Jay: I thought you stole the movie.

Quote from Jay

Terry Bradshaw: You're too kind. You know, not everything I touch turns to gold. I mean, I've had my share of missteps along the way.
Jay: [laughs] Well, right, like "Failure to Launch," right?
Terry Bradshaw: Sorry?
Jay: You should be. I mean, that thing was a real stinker.
Terry Bradshaw: I happen to be proud of that movie. I mean, that's some of the best work I've ever done.
Jay: No, you were good, yeah. But, I mean, don't worry about it. Nobody saw it.
Terry Bradshaw: Yeah, well. Guess it's about time we get on back in, huh?
Jay: Same time tomorrow. Hey, I'm wide open. Like in football.

Quote from Gloria

Sam Anvilmaker: Honey, I'll take another
Gloria: Shut up. That's my son over there. He opened his beautiful soul to you, to praise you, to get some advice from you, and you were mean to him? Come on, we both know that your attitude is just a defense mechanism to protect the tiny, little ego from the truth that you don't deserve any praise, that you're a fraud, that you're just a big, fat nobody.
Sam Anvilmaker: [whimpers, cries]
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: All men break the same.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Terry, can we talk? Please don't shut me out. I know I messed up, and I'm so sorry for my failure at lunch.

Quote from Jay

Bailiff: Sir, you have to leave now.
Jay: Fine. I'm going. [to Terry Bradshaw] I'll be waiting in the parking lot, buddy.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Judge hit me with a restraining order. But Terry had to sign it.

Quote from Claire

Chris Martin: And it's a nightmare. It's beginning to affect my creativity. The last song I wrote was about my helicopter. I was too ashamed to release it. I had to sell it to Quantas for $1 million.
Claire: Your problems are so sanguine.
Chris Martin: Is that how you use that word?
Claire: Nobody knows.


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