Claire: I've read the same chapter eight times, still don't get it.
Luke: Just say, "It holds a mirror up to society." You'll get your "C" and get out of there.

Jay: [aside to camera] Being in the closet business, I met a lot of famous people. I can't name names, but let's just say it's someone who's the boss.
Gloria: [gasps] You met Bruce Springsteen?
Jay: No, Tony Danza.
Gloria: Oh, from the TV show? Nah, she was the boss.
Jay: It's open to interpretation.

Lawyer: Do you have any experience with law enforcement?
Jay: Big time. I-I don't trust, uh, cops. Also, I despise robbery victims. They're the real criminals for clogging up our court system.
Judge: Nice try, Juror 3.
Jay: What about economic hardship? The last time I missed work, the California closet market collapsed. Some people think that caused the L.A. Riots.

Luke: Never been a big Coldplay guy. I'm more into hip-hop, death metal, "Little Mermaid." That one really imprinted on me back in the day.

Manny: Oh, my God.
Gloria: What? A celebrity?
Manny: It's Sam Anvilmaker.
Gloria: Who?
Manny: He wrote "The Forgetters and the Forgotten"? "Farce, American Style"? "Screw You For Reading This"?
Gloria: What the hell is happening?
Manny: Yes, that one, too! He's my favorite playwright.

Phil: [aside to camera] This was a nightmare. I was about to meet my hero, and I was experiencing this bizarre pain in in my nether region. Wait, I'm a grown man. I should be able to say it my left bean bag did it again. My tersticle- That's as close as I think I'm gonna get.

Cameron: [aside to camera] And then, I saw Daniel Day-Lewis at our dry cleaner.
Mitchell: Not him. No. Uh, the time we actually saw a celebrity was last December when we were shopping for gardening supplies.
Cameron: I'll never forget the feeling of having Lincoln look directly into my eyes and saying, "We couldn't get the barbecue sauce out."

Sam Anvilmaker: Honey, I'll take another
Gloria: Shut up. That's my son over there. He opened his beautiful soul to you, to praise you, to get some advice from you, and you were mean to him? Come on, we both know that your attitude is just a defense mechanism to protect the tiny, little ego from the truth that you don't deserve any praise, that you're a fraud, that you're just a big, fat nobody.
Sam Anvilmaker: [whimpers, cries]
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: All men break the same.

Cameron: [aside to camera] One time I saw Jack Nicholson at the car wash.
Mitchell: I can't go through this again. Jack Nicholson does not drive a Hyundai Odyssey with a Co-Exist bumper sticker, Cam.

Alex: "The Unwitting Miss Castle." What's that about?
Claire: It's about three persecuted women in different time periods, or one time traveler with incredibly bad luck. I don't know which.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Somehow, I was able to join a very exclusive book club filled with the most intelligent women. I can never seem to impress them. They use words like "sanguine." I don't want to look like an idiot, so I use it, too. Isn't that the most sanguine thing you ever heard?
Alex: You're not using it right.