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‘Fight or Flight’ Quotes

Modern Family: Fight or Flight

615. Fight or Flight

Aired February 18, 2015

After a long weekend camping with Phil's old cheerleading buddies, Claire jumps at the chance to snag the only first class seat on the return flight home. Meanwhile, Gloria forces Jay to teach Manny how to stand up for himself against a bully in his cooking class. Mitchell, Cameron, Pepper and Ronaldo throw a baby shower for Sal, who seems like a new woman since the birth of her child.

Quote from Manny

Manny: I'm not fighting anymore. It's not worth it.
Gloria: But you're doing so good. You just have to turn your shoulder first so that you can throw your weight behind your punch. If you want. I already think that you're very tough. This is all Jay's idea.
Jay: All right. Come on, kid. Show 'em who's boss.
Manny: No. I'm more of a lover than a fighter. Well, that's the goal anyway.

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Quote from Gloria

Jay: The kid is just not a fighter. He gets squeamish pounding veal.
Gloria: Just do it!
Jay: Fine, but I'm only doing it for the lasagna and the extra food he's been bringing home on Sundays. Makes Mondays easier, you know?
Gloria: Oh, my God, you're the Garfield.

Quote from Pepper

Cameron: Well, you know, she did seem frazzled. Maybe she forgot to say good-bye.
Mitchell: Oh, and forgot all of her presents. [Sammy fusses]
Ronaldo: [gasps] And forgot her baby.
Mitchell: You don't think that there's any way that she would... No. I can't even say it.
Pepper: I can. That gin-soaked tart abandoned the little bastard. What? He's fatherless. Am I wrong?

Quote from Pepper

Pepper: I don't wanna sound like a sentimental softy but does anyone miss the drunken whore she used to be?

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: I know. Enough is enough. You have to teach him how to fight.
Jay: Yeah. That'll work.
Gloria: You're doing this. And don't tell him that this is coming from me. It's bad for a boy to know that his mother thinks he's weak. That's a lifetime of paying women to spank him until he cries.

Quote from Claire

Gate Attendant: Okay. Found you. Oh! I do have an open seat in first class if one of you would like a free upgrade.
Phil: No, thank you. I think we'll sit together. After the amazing weekend we just had-
Claire: I'll take it.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: I deserved that seat. Three days in the woods with Phil's ex-cheerleader buddies the old stories, the spontaneous human pyramids constantly updating their tumbler Tumblr. I smiled through the whole thing.
Problem is I was so convincing Phil thought I was having a great time. What do I want? Some credit. When do I want it? Now.

Quote from Pepper

Mitchell: Hey Everybody, Sal's here.
Cameron: Okay. All right. Is this straight?
Pepper: You're throwing a baby shower with a dozen men in tailored pants sipping Bellinis. Nothing about this is... [groans] I can't even finish.
Mitchell: Really? The last word was too much?

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [aside to camera] So we decided to get the gang together to throw our friend Sal a belated baby shower.
Cameron: She's been a little hard to pin down lately but we knew she'd never miss the chance to shower with a bunch of men.
Mitchell: You love that joke, don't you?
Cameron: Well, because it's two different kinds of showers.

Quote from Pepper

Sal: I'm gonna put this in the kitchen. I make all my own baby food. It's all natural, no chemicals.
Mitchell: Who is this woman? She's not drinking. She's making her own baby food.
Sal: Does Lily have any other plates? I don't let Sammy eat off this plastic.
Mitchell: Yeah, the far cabinet.
Sal: Thanks.
Mitchell: Okay, none of this makes sense.
Pepper: I know. How does she breast-feed him if she doesn't let him near plastic?

Quote from Gloria

Manny: Mom, do I have a fever?
Gloria: Ay, let me check.
Jay: You know, we have a thermometer.
Gloria: Do you have to be so white all the time?

Quote from Pepper

Pepper: [groans] Oh, this is a true disaster.
Mitchell: Isn't it?
Pepper: Someone put a Spanish roof on what is clearly a mid-century ranch.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Oh, this is unreal. We always knew Sal was unstable, but how could she do this?
Cameron: We don't know that she's done anything.
Mitchell: Okay, let's just suppose for a second that she's on a plane to Cabo. What then?
Cameron: Maybe this is part of a bigger plan. You know, maybe the reason we didn't adopt another baby after Lily was because God wanted us available for Sammy.
Mitchell: Who is this God that denies us a baby then gets a party girl pregnant only to have her desert the baby so that we can finally get one?
Cameron: The same God that impregnated a virgin sent Moses down the river in a basket and commanded Abraham to stab his own son. God only does weird baby stuff.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Okay, yes, I'll admit, there is part of me that would love to keep this little guy and raise him the way Sal was pretending to.
Cameron: Exactly. Lily could have a baby brother.
Mitchell: But there are systems in place here. You can't just keep him like a bunny you found in the yard. That's crazy.

Quote from Jay

Jay: All right. I'll be back. Pick you up at 6:00. Now remember, what did I teach you?
Manny: Violence solves everything, and don't wind my fist up like Popeye.
Jay: It's not violence.It's self-defense. You cannot let this kid keep pushing you around. Now you walk in there like a badass and you make the best damn lasagna anybody's ever seen.
Manny: I appreciate the speech, Jay, but I'll handle things my way.
Jay: Kid, one more thing. Don't forget the garlic bread.

Quote from Cameron

Pepper: Ronaldo, you grab the roller thingy, and, uh... Oh, I'll grab that big mesh cage.
Mitchell: All right. Everybody, stop.
Cameron: You can't just keep a baby like it's some rabbit you found in the yard. There are systems in place.
Mitchell: Wow.

Quote from Pepper

Ronaldo: He has to stay somewhere tonight, no?
Cameron: Yeah, how about right here, because we know how to raise a child?
Pepper: Oh, please. We'll dress him and feed him and Conchetta can handle the poopy stuff. I gave her Obamacare. It's the least she can do.

Quote from Pepper

Mitchell: We all want what's best for the baby. You're very nice people, but we've done this before.
Pepper: So? It's our turn. I've wanted a child for some time now. My biological clock is ticking.
Cameron: That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
Pepper: Is it? I'm 44.
Mitchell: Or that is.
Pepper: You are one mean lady.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Manny, why are you home so early? Did you let him skip school?
Manny: No, Mom. I was kicked out for punching a really misunderstood kid, thanks to you.
Gloria: Thanks to me? What did-
Jay: I told him everything. And you know what we realized? There is a bully in our life, and it's you. You make the rules, you boss us around and we're not gonna take it anymore.
Manny: Yeah.
Gloria: Ay, look at you two, standing up to the big, scary bully that loves you and protects you and wants you to be safe in this world. You're just tiny, little men to me right now and you need to leave this house and come back with more respect! And a pizza. Oh, what? You need to go first and check on your mascara?

Quote from Pepper

Pepper: Give me one reason why Sammy should stay here tonight instead of with us.
Cameron: Because we're experienced parents. We have a crib.
Mitchell: We have a pediatrician. Our house is baby-proofed.
Ronaldo: Our house was in Architectural Digest.
Pepper: Ronaldo, please, you're not helping. They don't know what that is. How can you even fit another child in this shoe box? You're poor. We have a beautiful house with a big yard where he could throw the ball with the gardener.


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