Manny: I'm not fighting anymore. It's not worth it.
Gloria: But you're doing so good. You just have to turn your shoulder first so that you can throw your weight behind your punch. If you want. I already think that you're very tough. This is all Jay's idea.
Jay: All right. Come on, kid. Show 'em who's boss.
Manny: No. I'm more of a lover than a fighter. Well, that's the goal anyway.

Cameron: Well, you know, she did seem frazzled. Maybe she forgot to say good-bye.
Mitchell: Oh, and forgot all of her presents. [Sammy fusses]
Ronaldo: [gasps] And forgot her baby.
Mitchell: You don't think that there's any way that she would... No. I can't even say it.
Pepper: I can. That gin-soaked tart abandoned the little bastard. What? He's fatherless. Am I wrong?

Jay: The kid is just not a fighter. He gets squeamish pounding veal.
Gloria: Just do it!
Jay: Fine, but I'm only doing it for the lasagna and the extra food he's been bringing home on Sundays. Makes Mondays easier, you know?
Gloria: Oh, my God, you're the Garfield.

Pepper: I don't wanna sound like a sentimental softy but does anyone miss the drunken whore she used to be?

Gloria: I know. Enough is enough. You have to teach him how to fight.
Jay: Yeah. That'll work.
Gloria: You're doing this. And don't tell him that this is coming from me. It's bad for a boy to know that his mother thinks he's weak. That's a lifetime of paying women to spank him until he cries.

Sal: I'm gonna put this in the kitchen. I make all my own baby food. It's all natural, no chemicals.
Mitchell: Who is this woman? She's not drinking. She's making her own baby food.
Sal: Does Lily have any other plates? I don't let Sammy eat off this plastic.
Mitchell: Yeah, the far cabinet.
Sal: Thanks.
Mitchell: Okay, none of this makes sense.
Pepper: I know. How does she breast-feed him if she doesn't let him near plastic?

Gloria: Manny, why are you home so early? Did you let him skip school?
Manny: No, Mom. I was kicked out for punching a really misunderstood kid, thanks to you.
Gloria: Thanks to me? What did-
Jay: I told him everything. And you know what we realized? There is a bully in our life, and it's you. You make the rules, you boss us around and we're not gonna take it anymore.
Manny: Yeah.
Gloria: Ay, look at you two, standing up to the big, scary bully that loves you and protects you and wants you to be safe in this world. You're just tiny, little men to me right now and you need to leave this house and come back with more respect! And a pizza. Oh, what? You need to go first and check on your mascara?

Gate Attendant: Okay. Found you. Oh! I do have an open seat in first class if one of you would like a free upgrade.
Phil: No, thank you. I think we'll sit together. After the amazing weekend we just had-
Claire: I'll take it.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: I deserved that seat. Three days in the woods with Phil's ex-cheerleader buddies the old stories, the spontaneous human pyramids constantly updating their tumbler Tumblr. I smiled through the whole thing.
Problem is I was so convincing Phil thought I was having a great time. What do I want? Some credit. When do I want it? Now.

Mitchell: Hey Everybody, Sal's here.
Cameron: Okay. All right. Is this straight?
Pepper: You're throwing a baby shower with a dozen men in tailored pants sipping Bellinis. Nothing about this is... [groans] I can't even finish.
Mitchell: Really? The last word was too much?

Mitchell: [aside to camera] So we decided to get the gang together to throw our friend Sal a belated baby shower.
Cameron: She's been a little hard to pin down lately but we knew she'd never miss the chance to shower with a bunch of men.
Mitchell: You love that joke, don't you?
Cameron: Well, because it's two different kinds of showers.