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‘The Long Goodbye’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Modern Family: The Long Goodbye

902. The Long Goodbye

Aired October 4, 2017

Phil and Claire are surprised that Alex has everything together when they pay her a visit in her dorm room. Manny is determined to avoid a tearful goodbye when Jay and Gloria drop him off at college. Mitchell gets the chance to remodel the kitchen after Cameron gets blamed for burning it down. Meanwhile, Haley befriends an older version of herself when Luke gets her a job at the country club.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Y'all need to move that 'fridgerator in your hall. It is straight under little Cal's crib, and the noise is keeping him up, which is weird because he was conceived in a slaughterhouse.

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Quote from Pam

Pam: They figure out what started that fire?
Mitchell: Yeah, they think it was the oven.
Pam: Well, that's dumb. I turned the oven off 'fore we went on our walk.
Mitchell: You did?
Pam: Yeah, 'cause I'm the only responsible person around here. [thudding, Cal crying] Aw, dang it! Cal rolled off the sofa again!

Quote from Pam

Pam: You're low on frozen mangoes. Put it on your list. Oh, and get me a box of lady sticks.
Cameron: What... What... What are you making?
Pam: I'm making one of your fruit smoothies.
Mitchell: Oh, Pam...
Pam: All right, I'm making one of your homosexual smoothies.

Quote from Joe

Manny: What are you doing?
Joe: This is awkward. I need a boy cave.
Manny: I'm not here, okay? You put a lock on the closet?
Joe: That's where I'm gonna put Santa Claus when I catch him. [whispering] Sleeping pills in his cookies.

Quote from Phil

Phil: On your left.
Alex: Is that Alex's old bike?
Phil: [chuckling] Yes, totally rebuilt. It only took me three months and two tetanus shots. She's been dropping hints about wanting some wheels.
Alex: Are you sure she didn't mean a...
Phil: Unicycle? No. She definitely said "wheels."

Quote from Manny

Manny: So, this is the place I'll call home for the next four years.
Jay: And because you're a theater major, probably the biggest apartment you'll ever have.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: There are two things I want to avoid my first day of school: getting caught leaving the shower in my aqua shoes, and a tearful goodbye. My classmates are gonna see me cry eventually. I'd prefer it be during a curtain call.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] I am Colombian, so it's against my nature to give Manny what he wants: a cold, white-people goodbye. But I know he's sensitive, and he's having a hard time leaving the nest, so I'm gonna give it to him. Good luck, chum.

Quote from Haley

Haley: One gin and tonic. I hope you're not... driving. [chuckles] Sorry, that's usually a big hit with the golfers.
Rhonda: It was hilarious. But I'm trying to avoid laugh lines.
Haley: I get that. I don't want crow's feet, so I never squint, even if a cop is shining his flashlight directly in my eyes.
Rhonda: Once a week, I sleep in a wetsuit full of Vaseline. It shows.
[aside to camera:]
Haley: It was like meeting myself in 30 years. Turns out, I really held up.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: I am loving this new smoothie kick. I-I feel like I've had more green vegetables today than my dad's had in a lifetime.
Lily: What I love about your smoothie kick is how much you talk about it.
Mitchell: Okay, if you're gonna be mean, be funny.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Gun to my head, my top three: cheddar, Swiss, gouda.
Gloria: As someone who has actually had a gun to her head, cheese is not what they're going to ask about.
Jay: And now crackers.

Quote from Haley

Haley: I could get used to this.
Rhonda: I have, which is why I need to snag another meal ticket before my late husband's fracking money runs out.
Haley: [chuckling] It's okay. You can swear in front of me.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Joe? What are you making?
Jay: According to this, an ancient beverage enjoyed by sultans and scoundrels.
Gloria: "Bring in the paper, make coffee, pick up Jay's dirty socks." Why are you doing all this?
Joe: Manny says it's my job now.
Gloria: Manny was doing all these things? And I was so happy that you were picking up after yourself.
Jay: I haven't picked up socks since the '70s. Huh, all this time, we're thinking we're coddling Manny, and Manny was coddling us.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Um, okay. I have a theory, uh, that lets us both off the hook.
Cameron: I'm inclined to be on board.
Mitchell: Um, we both can agree that your sister can be a bit of a bully.
Cameron: Yes.
Mitchell: I'm sure growing up, the only way to get your way was to be manipulative.
Cameron: It might also be said you grew up oppressed by one of history's great monsters... your sister, Claire.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [on the phone] Hey, Mitchell. Claire. Saturday morning. Look, I need you to buy Mom a birthday present and say it's from the both of us. Okay, thanks. Bye-bye. No, I know it's not a voicemail. I just don't want to hear you whine about it.

Quote from Claire

Claire: No, no, no, those are for Alex. I'm taking them up to her dorm today. You know how stressed she gets. She can always use a little comfort from her loving mom.
Luke: Why does Alex get a care package and not me?
Claire: You live in a care package.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Haley, put your face on and get up here! We're gonna be late for work!
[aside to camera:]
Haley: I'm saving up to get my own apartment, so I've been working at the club with Luke.
Luke: For Luke. Kid's my best cart girl.
Haley: I deliver drinks to golfers. Tips are good, but, uh... it took me a couple days to learn the finer points of the game.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Well, the basket's perfect for loading up the toiletries. Remember last time we went up there? She was washing her hair with the powdered soap from the ladies room.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Alex is an intelligent, accomplished...
Phil: You can just say it.
Claire: Scatterbrain.
Phil: Sometimes, she studies so hard she forgets about the little things.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Where do you want your espresso machine?
Manny: On my desk is fine. And don't worry, Trevor. We'll pay for the beans with the money from our swear jar.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Well, my friend, you have just witnessed the rare perfect goodbye. History records but few flawless farewells: Oscar Wilde's deathbed bon mot, Rhett Butler not giving a... Damn it. I left my white noise machine at home. Now I have to go back there, and risk ruining our perfect goodbye. But you're gonna thank me, Trevor. [Trevor starts packing his things back up] There's something soothing about constant background noise that... Trev?

Quote from Haley

Luke: Good morning, Ms. Rappaport.
Rhonda: Oh, hello... Duke, is it?
Luke: Yes. Haley, shouldn't you be getting back to your cart?
Haley: Rhonda asked me to sit down.
Luke: There's a rule against staff fraternizing with members, and you wouldn't want to make trouble for whoever stuck their neck out to get you this job.
Rhonda: Oh, I recommend sticking your neck out. It's the only nonsurgical way to prevent champagne chin. Speaking of which, um...
Haley: Oh, here. Let me get...
Rhonda: Oh, no, no, no, You sit. He's up.
Haley: You can top me off, too, Duke.

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