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39Quotes from ‘The Long Goodbye’

Modern Family: The Long Goodbye

902. The Long Goodbye

Aired October 4, 2017

Phil and Claire are surprised that Alex has everything together when they pay her a visit in her dorm room. Manny is determined to avoid a tearful goodbye when Jay and Gloria drop him off at college. Mitchell gets the chance to remodel the kitchen after Cameron gets blamed for burning it down. Meanwhile, Haley befriends an older version of herself when Luke gets her a job at the country club.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Y'all need to move that 'fridgerator in your hall. It is straight under little Cal's crib, and the noise is keeping him up, which is weird because he was conceived in a slaughterhouse.

Quote from Pam

Pam: They figure out what started that fire?
Mitchell: Yeah, they think it was the oven.
Pam: Well, that's dumb. I turned the oven off 'fore we went on our walk.
Mitchell: You did?
Pam: Yeah, 'cause I'm the only responsible person around here. [thudding, Cal crying] Aw, dang it! Cal rolled off the sofa again!

Quote from Pam

Pam: You're low on frozen mangoes. Put it on your list. Oh, and get me a box of lady sticks.
Cameron: What... What... What are you making?
Pam: I'm making one of your fruit smoothies.
Mitchell: Oh, Pam...
Pam: All right, I'm making one of your homosexual smoothies.

Quote from Joe

Manny: What are you doing?
Joe: This is awkward. I need a boy cave.
Manny: I'm not here, okay? You put a lock on the closet?
Joe: That's where I'm gonna put Santa Claus when I catch him. [whispering] Sleeping pills in his cookies.

Quote from Haley

Haley: I could get used to this.
Rhonda: I have, which is why I need to snag another meal ticket before my late husband's fracking money runs out.
Haley: [chuckling] It's okay. You can swear in front of me.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Joe? What are you making?
Jay: According to this, an ancient beverage enjoyed by sultans and scoundrels.
Gloria: "Bring in the paper, make coffee, pick up Jay's dirty socks." Why are you doing all this?
Joe: Manny says it's my job now.
Gloria: Manny was doing all these things? And I was so happy that you were picking up after yourself.
Jay: I haven't picked up socks since the '70s. Huh, all this time, we're thinking we're coddling Manny, and Manny was coddling us.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Um, okay. I have a theory, uh, that lets us both off the hook.
Cameron: I'm inclined to be on board.
Mitchell: Um, we both can agree that your sister can be a bit of a bully.
Cameron: Yes.
Mitchell: I'm sure growing up, the only way to get your way was to be manipulative.
Cameron: It might also be said you grew up oppressed by one of history's great monsters... your sister, Claire.

Quote from Phil

Phil: On your left.
Alex: Is that Alex's old bike?
Phil: [chuckling] Yes, totally rebuilt. It only took me three months and two tetanus shots. She's been dropping hints about wanting some wheels.
Alex: Are you sure she didn't mean a...
Phil: Unicycle? No. She definitely said "wheels."

Quote from Manny

Manny: So, this is the place I'll call home for the next four years.
Jay: And because you're a theater major, probably the biggest apartment you'll ever have.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: There are two things I want to avoid my first day of school: getting caught leaving the shower in my aqua shoes, and a tearful goodbye. My classmates are gonna see me cry eventually. I'd prefer it be during a curtain call.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] I am Colombian, so it's against my nature to give Manny what he wants: a cold, white-people goodbye. But I know he's sensitive, and he's having a hard time leaving the nest, so I'm gonna give it to him. Good luck, chum.

Quote from Haley

Haley: One gin and tonic. I hope you're not... driving. [chuckles] Sorry, that's usually a big hit with the golfers.
Rhonda: It was hilarious. But I'm trying to avoid laugh lines.
Haley: I get that. I don't want crow's feet, so I never squint, even if a cop is shining his flashlight directly in my eyes.
Rhonda: Once a week, I sleep in a wetsuit full of Vaseline. It shows.
[aside to camera:]
Haley: It was like meeting myself in 30 years. Turns out, I really held up.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: I am loving this new smoothie kick. I-I feel like I've had more green vegetables today than my dad's had in a lifetime.
Lily: What I love about your smoothie kick is how much you talk about it.
Mitchell: Okay, if you're gonna be mean, be funny.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Gun to my head, my top three: cheddar, Swiss, gouda.
Gloria: As someone who has actually had a gun to her head, cheese is not what they're going to ask about.
Jay: And now crackers.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] There's a small chance I definitely started the fire.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: It's a vision board for my dream kitchen I've been hiding behind your workout clothes.
Mitchell: Ah.
Cameron: I-I- I think I accidentally, on purpose, subconsciously, willfully, burned our kitchen down.
Mitchell: Okay. I-I don't... I don't know about that.
Cameron: Um... No. Let's face it. Like Drew Barrymore, I'm an adorable fire starter.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Don't know about you, but I am ready to live on my own. Yep, it was a big responsibility taking care of my parents, but I left a good man on the job.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Come on. Gloria, you messed up the TV, and now I can't watch my program!
Gloria: Remember how you told me to say something when you sound old?
Jay: Ah, never mind. I fixed it.
Gloria: Aww. Look at those beautiful flowers. Where did they come from?
Jay: Not a clue.
Gloria: Aww, you.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Whoa. How cool.
Claire: Just stay focused, Phil.
Phil: Honey, honey. No matter how realistic these robots get, I'm always going to love you.
Claire: Thank you.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Okay, fine. if you really must know, I've been kind of feeling like an outsider here. It's come to my attention that I may be a bit of a show-off.
[aside to camera:]
Alex: There's a proof in my advanced mathematical chaos class. It's been on the board all year. No one could solve it. Until one night in bed, it just came to me. And of course I had to put on my best dress for my big moment.
[flashback:]
Alex: Class dismissed. [drops marker:]
[back:]
Alex: I just never want to see that stupid dress again.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Honey, people are always gonna be intimidated by your intellect. Maybe it's time you showed them some of your vulnerability.
Alex: How have they not seen it? I've been an awkward nerd my whole life.
Claire: Everywhere but here.
Phil: Sweetheart, here you're Haley.

Quote from Haley

Haley: It's locked.
Rhonda: Mr. Voorhees was a little too excited to hear that the cart girl was tagging along. I'm sorry, but I can't risk being upstaged by a hot-to-trot thirty-year-old.
Haley: [chuckles] Kind of rounded up there. Um... so, I'm just out as your assistant, like that?
Rhonda: It's harder on me than it looks. I feel really... [uses her fingers to pull a frown]

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I let you pick things.
Mitchell: Really? Name one thing in this room that was my idea.
Cameron: Oh, just one... One thing?
Mitchell: One thing. Mm-hmm.
Cameron: Okay, well, fine. Oh, how... How about the blanket? Yeah, because you said it reminded you of the blanket you used to lay on at your grandparents' house and eat your caramel corn when you watched Mary Lou Retton vault her way into America's heart.
Mitchell: What are you talking about? Are... Are you seriously trying to incept a memory in my mind to make me believe that I chose that blanket?
Cameron: Oh, kind of like you made me think I burned down our kitchen?

Quote from Jay

Manny: Jay?
Jay: Hey. [chuckles] I found this under your bed. I figured you might be able to use it. I mean, you don't want to be the only kid in art school without a beret.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Look, if I didn't say it... it's a big deal, you going here. Good job.
Manny: Well, if I didn't say it, I-I couldn't have done it without you. [clears throat]
Jay: What are we doing? We can hug. We're family.
Manny: Yeah.
Jay: [voice breaking] We are, you know. We're family.
Manny: [voice breaking] I'll try to make you proud.
Gloria: [voice breaking] You already have.
Joe: Let me in here!
Gloria: Thank you for taking good care of us.
Manny: Well, that's what you do for the people you love.
Jay: They love you, too! [all sob]

Quote from Phil

Phil: Damn it!
Claire: There's no shame in admitting defeat.
Phil: You don't understand.
Claire: He's getting tired.
Phil: He's not tired. That's the point. He's a machine. Just once, would you believe in me?! As my wife, aren't you supposed to be my... Rock! Damn it! What does every mother tell her kid not to run with? Paper! Damn it!
Joe: My hand's getting tired.
Phil: Oh, I'm... I'm so sorry, buddy. Why didn't you say so? Fist bump. Ha! Loser!
Claire: No.
Phil: And still champion!

Quote from Claire

Claire: [on the phone] Hey, Mitchell. Claire. Saturday morning. Look, I need you to buy Mom a birthday present and say it's from the both of us. Okay, thanks. Bye-bye. No, I know it's not a voicemail. I just don't want to hear you whine about it.

Quote from Claire

Claire: No, no, no, those are for Alex. I'm taking them up to her dorm today. You know how stressed she gets. She can always use a little comfort from her loving mom.
Luke: Why does Alex get a care package and not me?
Claire: You live in a care package.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Haley, put your face on and get up here! We're gonna be late for work!
[aside to camera:]
Haley: I'm saving up to get my own apartment, so I've been working at the club with Luke.
Luke: For Luke. Kid's my best cart girl.
Haley: I deliver drinks to golfers. Tips are good, but, uh... it took me a couple days to learn the finer points of the game.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Well, the basket's perfect for loading up the toiletries. Remember last time we went up there? She was washing her hair with the powdered soap from the ladies room.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Alex is an intelligent, accomplished...
Phil: You can just say it.
Claire: Scatterbrain.
Phil: Sometimes, she studies so hard she forgets about the little things.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Where do you want your espresso machine?
Manny: On my desk is fine. And don't worry, Trevor. We'll pay for the beans with the money from our swear jar.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Well, my friend, you have just witnessed the rare perfect goodbye. History records but few flawless farewells: Oscar Wilde's deathbed bon mot, Rhett Butler not giving a... Damn it. I left my white noise machine at home. Now I have to go back there, and risk ruining our perfect goodbye. But you're gonna thank me, Trevor. [Trevor starts packing his things back up] There's something soothing about constant background noise that... Trev?

Quote from Haley

Luke: Good morning, Ms. Rappaport.
Rhonda: Oh, hello... Duke, is it?
Luke: Yes. Haley, shouldn't you be getting back to your cart?
Haley: Rhonda asked me to sit down.
Luke: There's a rule against staff fraternizing with members, and you wouldn't want to make trouble for whoever stuck their neck out to get you this job.
Rhonda: Oh, I recommend sticking your neck out. It's the only nonsurgical way to prevent champagne chin. Speaking of which, um...
Haley: Oh, here. Let me get...
Rhonda: Oh, no, no, no, You sit. He's up.
Haley: You can top me off, too, Duke.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: So, I-I know that they're... they're heroes and all, but a-are they sweeping up or is that on us?

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Okay, you know what? We're gonna have to totally rebuild, down to the studs. I'm distraught.
Mitchell: Are ya?
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: I'm not saying Cam definitely set the fire. It could have been anyone who's spent years searching for a way to justify the remodel of our kitchen.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Are you actually accusing me of starting this fire just so we could rebuild our hideous kitchen?
Mitchell: Uh, accusing, no. but when you say things like "hideous kitchen," it does make me wonder.
Fireman: This could be the cause. Most kitchen fires start in the oven.
Cameron: Oh, my God, did... did I leave the oven on?
Mitchell: Well, it appears we found our smoking "bun."

Quote from Claire

Claire: Oh, she's been here all summer, so this could be pretty rough. Remember last time there was a rat in her room.
Phil: She's a scientist. She said it was part of a study.
Claire: Honey, it was in a cereal box.

Quote from Manny

Jay: Oh, geez. We dropped you off at college two hours ago. My God, even Haley lasted longer.
Manny: I needed my white noise machine.
Gloria: Or did you need your brown noise machine?
Manny: No, and I think I'm offended for you.

Quote from Joe

Jay: What's with the padlock?
Joe: Let me ask you something: How would you like to have Christmas every day?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, I've put everything out here from the kitchen that we're gonna need. You know what? This is gonna be fun. It's like camping!
Mitchell: Which is it, fun or like camping?
Lily: I'm gonna take a shower.
Cameron: Eh-eh-eh! Can't take a shower without doing a load of dishes. And remember: scratchy side pot, soft side you, okay?
Mitchell: Cam, this is crazy. What... What if I wanted to make a cup of tea?
Cameron: Couldn't be simpler. Grab a tea kettle from the credenza, warm it up on the hot plate with the water that you've used from the hose that I snaked in through the window, browse the tea on the mantel, and then grab our tea cup... Where... Oh! Lily, do our tea cup first!


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