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‘Basketball’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Modern Family: Basketball

816. Basketball

Aired March 8, 2017

Phil is determined to redeem himself on the basketball court at the school's charity game, but he didn't count on being in the presence of NBA legends Charles Barkley and DeAndre Jordan. Gloria volunteers to sell food at the event when her school nemesis, Dr. Donna Duncan, shames her for not being involved. Meanwhile, Claire tries to cover up a work mistake from her father, while Jay is concerned that Joe doesn't have a healthy fear of him.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I don't like to talk about it a lot, but I have a certain expertise in timber. Even blindfolded, I can tell a Galapagos teak from a Maltese cherry. Came in handy for a cop friend of mine. Helped him round up the Cedar Boys.

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Quote from Cameron

Cameron: You know, I'm glad we're doing this again.
Alex: Yeah, I think we just put too much pressure on it the first time.
Cameron: You know, humans aren't the only ones who respond badly to pressure. Did I ever tell you about the day without eggs? It was at the start of the Omelet Days Festival. Up with the sun, I grab my basket, into the hen-house I go. Thirty-four hens, nary an egg. I know, I know. My grandpa said it was the worst case of avian anxiety he'd seen since Pearl Harbor. That's when they had to take the radio out of the coop.

Quote from Jay

Joe: I spilled juice on the rug. Please don't tell Mama.
Jay: Don't tell Mama?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: What about, "Don't tell Papa?" A boy is supposed to fear his father. I shook in my boots around my old man, just like he did around his. To this day, I hear the crack of a Schlitz or smell some Singleton's Beard Tonic, and I'm sweating like a mob rat in Little Italy.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] One year ago today, I had the chance to be a hero. It was the annual high school charity basketball game, parents versus teachers. We were raising money for Mrs. Martin in the attendance office who lost her house in a mudslide. One minute it was present, the next it was absent.

Quote from Gloria

Dr. Donna: Gloria! What a surprise!
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: There's a mom at Manny's school that I've had some problems with. She's your typical blonde airhead Barbie doll doctor.

Quote from Cameron

[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: When Haley was 4, she and I had our first tea party, and since then, we've made it a tradition to meet for high tea once a year. It's a time I've really come to cherish.
[separately to camera:]
Cameron: I don't love the whole tea thing. Mitchell and Haley always come back giggling over shared secrets, and I feel left out. I once tried to start my own uncle-niece tradition, but...
[flashback:]
Alex: I'm not questioning the methodology behind accelerated mass spectrometry. I'm merely pointing out that it's not singular in its power to separate a rare isotope from an abundant neighboring mass.
[Cameron's cup overflows as he pours teas and listens to Alex]

Quote from Phil

Charles Barkley: Is this where we get our hand stamped? Sometimes I like to leave and come back to things.
Phil: Uh, why... why are you here?
DeAndre Jordan: Our agent's wife is a math teacher at the school. Let's go get our seats. We don't want anybody to block us.
Phil: Yeah, yeah. I... I get that. So, I'm playing in front of two NBA stars?
Luke: Plus, once people know they're here, the crowd will be like five times the size it was last year.
Phil: Well, we still live in a world with a fire marshal.

Quote from Gloria

Dr. Donna: Gloria? Is that you? My brain's having a hard time processing you in this context.
Gloria: Yeah, I came to sell my nachos to raise money.
Dr. Donna: How nice. Although, some people are saying it's too little too late, that you can't just show up and get credit for it. I think it's mean, but some people are saying it seems disingenuous.
Gloria: I just got here. When did you talk to all these people?

Quote from Cameron

[As Cameron shaves Mitchell's back]
Mitchell: This is only bringing us closer together.
Cameron: Uh-huh! Who'd you say normally does this?
Mitchell: Uh, this place near my old office. Lily in a pinch.
Cameron: Okay, well, I think that's it.
Mitchell: Oh, no, you have to go over it one more time.
Cameron: Okay, we're not painting a bridge.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I was already suspicious of that wood, but then it kills a fish? Claire obviously bought some of that tainted lumber, and then she tries hide it? She must think I'm denser than a Ponderosa maple.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Can I help you with anything?
Charles Barkley: I'm just going to buy a snack with my last five Dolphin Dollars. I don't want to throw them away. That's how they get you.
Gloria: The nachos are amazing. But do not get anything from the stand that is over there...
Charles Barkley: The hot dog lady? She just said the same thing about you. You two remind me of me and DeAndre Jordan. We have a rivalry, and I don't know why. Maybe in life, we resent people who hold up a mirror and force us to look at the worst in ourselves.
Gloria: I see what you're saying, Charles Barkley.
Charles Barkley: And that's what we call an assist. Hand stamp.

Quote from Joe

Jay: Ow! Oh, I tripped! Enough! How many times have I told you to pick up your toys?
Joe: You're funny! [laughs] Enough! Pick up your toys!

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Hola, Donna.
Dr. Donna: Did you wander in by mistake? You know they don't sell shoes here.
Gloria: Oh, no, I see you buy a lot of hot dogs. It's so sad when someone just gives up.
Dr. Donna: I'm selling these at the high school charity basketball game. Poor Mrs. Martin. This year we're raising money to get her a new kidney. So, can we count on you?
Gloria: For the kidney?

Quote from Claire

Jay: [on the phone] Can you believe Earl's dum-dum daughter bought wood from those bozos? Of course, when you two were growing up,she was always the slow one. You remember when she thought that balloon was her friend?
Claire: Balloon-da Carlisle.
Jay: [laughs]
Claire: Right. Well, back to it, Dad. See you later. [hangs up] I knew that deal was too good to be true. And now I'm gonna look as stupid as a girl who pet two different class rabbits to death.

Quote from Mitchell

Haley: I mean, do you think it's okay... for your partner to ask you to do... anything?
Mitchell: Mm, no. Not anything anything. I mean, we all have our boundaries. I mean, there are still things I wouldn't ask Cam to do.
Haley: Okay. So, um, Rainer and I were in bed the other night, and...
Mitchell: And?
Haley: And he asked me to do something I'm not totally comfortable with.
Mitchell: What'd he ask you to do? No... no judgments. Just whenever you're ready.
Haley: So, he was lying on his side, and he said that that was part of it, and then he asked me to c...
Rainer Shine: Haley!
Mitchell: What'd he ask you to do? Quick, write it down on this napkin.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Feels weird to be back here. This gym got the better of me once.
Luke: Dad, you're psyching yourself out.
Phil: You're right. The only thing different between this year and last is I'm prepared this year. And DeAndre Jordan and Charles Barkley are here.

Quote from Cameron

Rainer Shine: Looks like that picture I Instagrammed of the three of us is a big hit with Rainer Nation.
Mitchell: Oh. And is it safe to post your location like that? Aren't you worried about stalkers?
Rainer Shine: Oh, no, it's fine. Most of my followers are just overly excited, love-starved old ladies.
Cameron: [enters] Oh, I see your exclusive tea party opened up.
Mitchell: He just posted that. What, are you circling the restaurant?
Rainer Shine: Hey, Rainer Shine.
Haley: You sat next to him at Thanksgiving.
Rainer Shine: Right! Manny! Sit down. Join us.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Well, we have to find out. As her uncles, we need all the information we can so we can advise her properly.
Mitchell: Yeah. She's dating an older man. If she's uncomfortable, it's our duty to protect her.
Cameron: Okay. So we said all that. What could be "ca" be? Hmm? Carrot? Cupping? [gasps] You don't think it could be a Canadian long jump, do you?
Mitchell: Okay, what part would a woman play in that?

Quote from Claire

Ben: Okay, and so the red pins on this map mark all the locations of closets that were made with the toxic wood.
Claire: Okay, and we have recalled out of of the contaminated closets, so we only have to track down one more.
Ben: And since you didn't ask, the green pins are all the addresses of potential fathers of mine.

Quote from Jay

Jay: The kid doesn't fear me as he should, so I brought him in here to show him my scary boss side. Play along.
Claire: Okay.
Jay: Ben, how dumb do you think I am?
Ben: You found out?
Jay: Of course I found out. I know everything.
Ben: [scoffs] It was her idea!
Claire: Ben!
Jay: No, he's doing great. You're in big trouble, mister.
Ben: Jay, I'm so sorry. We were just trying to s...
Jay: Enough! [kicks the trash can] Come on, Joe!
Joe: Enough! [knocks over magazines; laughs]

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