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39Quotes from ‘Basketball’

Modern Family: Basketball

816. Basketball

Aired March 8, 2017

Phil is determined to redeem himself on the basketball court at the school's charity game, but he didn't count on being in the presence of NBA legends Charles Barkley and DeAndre Jordan. Gloria volunteers to sell food at the event when her school nemesis, Dr. Donna Duncan, shames her for not being involved. Meanwhile, Claire tries to cover up a work mistake from her father, while Jay is concerned that Joe doesn't have a healthy fear of him.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I don't like to talk about it a lot, but I have a certain expertise in timber. Even blindfolded, I can tell a Galapagos teak from a Maltese cherry. Came in handy for a cop friend of mine. Helped him round up the Cedar Boys.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: You know, I'm glad we're doing this again.
Alex: Yeah, I think we just put too much pressure on it the first time.
Cameron: You know, humans aren't the only ones who respond badly to pressure. Did I ever tell you about the day without eggs? It was at the start of the Omelet Days Festival. Up with the sun, I grab my basket, into the hen-house I go. Thirty-four hens, nary an egg. I know, I know. My grandpa said it was the worst case of avian anxiety he'd seen since Pearl Harbor. That's when they had to take the radio out of the coop.

Quote from Jay

Joe: I spilled juice on the rug. Please don't tell Mama.
Jay: Don't tell Mama?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: What about, "Don't tell Papa?" A boy is supposed to fear his father. I shook in my boots around my old man, just like he did around his. To this day, I hear the crack of a Schlitz or smell some Singleton's Beard Tonic, and I'm sweating like a mob rat in Little Italy.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] One year ago today, I had the chance to be a hero. It was the annual high school charity basketball game, parents versus teachers. We were raising money for Mrs. Martin in the attendance office who lost her house in a mudslide. One minute it was present, the next it was absent.

Quote from Gloria

Dr. Donna: Gloria! What a surprise!
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: There's a mom at Manny's school that I've had some problems with. She's your typical blonde airhead Barbie doll doctor.

Quote from Cameron

[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: When Haley was 4, she and I had our first tea party, and since then, we've made it a tradition to meet for high tea once a year. It's a time I've really come to cherish.
[separately to camera:]
Cameron: I don't love the whole tea thing. Mitchell and Haley always come back giggling over shared secrets, and I feel left out. I once tried to start my own uncle-niece tradition, but...
[flashback:]
Alex: I'm not questioning the methodology behind accelerated mass spectrometry. I'm merely pointing out that it's not singular in its power to separate a rare isotope from an abundant neighboring mass.
[Cameron's cup overflows as he pours teas and listens to Alex]

Quote from Phil

Charles Barkley: Is this where we get our hand stamped? Sometimes I like to leave and come back to things.
Phil: Uh, why... why are you here?
DeAndre Jordan: Our agent's wife is a math teacher at the school. Let's go get our seats. We don't want anybody to block us.
Phil: Yeah, yeah. I... I get that. So, I'm playing in front of two NBA stars?
Luke: Plus, once people know they're here, the crowd will be like five times the size it was last year.
Phil: Well, we still live in a world with a fire marshal.

Quote from Gloria

Dr. Donna: Gloria? Is that you? My brain's having a hard time processing you in this context.
Gloria: Yeah, I came to sell my nachos to raise money.
Dr. Donna: How nice. Although, some people are saying it's too little too late, that you can't just show up and get credit for it. I think it's mean, but some people are saying it seems disingenuous.
Gloria: I just got here. When did you talk to all these people?

Quote from Cameron

[As Cameron shaves Mitchell's back]
Mitchell: This is only bringing us closer together.
Cameron: Uh-huh! Who'd you say normally does this?
Mitchell: Uh, this place near my old office. Lily in a pinch.
Cameron: Okay, well, I think that's it.
Mitchell: Oh, no, you have to go over it one more time.
Cameron: Okay, we're not painting a bridge.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I was already suspicious of that wood, but then it kills a fish? Claire obviously bought some of that tainted lumber, and then she tries hide it? She must think I'm denser than a Ponderosa maple.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Can I help you with anything?
Charles Barkley: I'm just going to buy a snack with my last five Dolphin Dollars. I don't want to throw them away. That's how they get you.
Gloria: The nachos are amazing. But do not get anything from the stand that is over there...
Charles Barkley: The hot dog lady? She just said the same thing about you. You two remind me of me and DeAndre Jordan. We have a rivalry, and I don't know why. Maybe in life, we resent people who hold up a mirror and force us to look at the worst in ourselves.
Gloria: I see what you're saying, Charles Barkley.
Charles Barkley: And that's what we call an assist. Hand stamp.

Quote from Joe

Jay: Ow! Oh, I tripped! Enough! How many times have I told you to pick up your toys?
Joe: You're funny! [laughs] Enough! Pick up your toys!

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Hola, Donna.
Dr. Donna: Did you wander in by mistake? You know they don't sell shoes here.
Gloria: Oh, no, I see you buy a lot of hot dogs. It's so sad when someone just gives up.
Dr. Donna: I'm selling these at the high school charity basketball game. Poor Mrs. Martin. This year we're raising money to get her a new kidney. So, can we count on you?
Gloria: For the kidney?

Quote from Claire

Jay: [on the phone] Can you believe Earl's dum-dum daughter bought wood from those bozos? Of course, when you two were growing up,she was always the slow one. You remember when she thought that balloon was her friend?
Claire: Balloon-da Carlisle.
Jay: [laughs]
Claire: Right. Well, back to it, Dad. See you later. [hangs up] I knew that deal was too good to be true. And now I'm gonna look as stupid as a girl who pet two different class rabbits to death.

Quote from Mitchell

Haley: I mean, do you think it's okay... for your partner to ask you to do... anything?
Mitchell: Mm, no. Not anything anything. I mean, we all have our boundaries. I mean, there are still things I wouldn't ask Cam to do.
Haley: Okay. So, um, Rainer and I were in bed the other night, and...
Mitchell: And?
Haley: And he asked me to do something I'm not totally comfortable with.
Mitchell: What'd he ask you to do? No... no judgments. Just whenever you're ready.
Haley: So, he was lying on his side, and he said that that was part of it, and then he asked me to c...
Rainer Shine: Haley!
Mitchell: What'd he ask you to do? Quick, write it down on this napkin.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Feels weird to be back here. This gym got the better of me once.
Luke: Dad, you're psyching yourself out.
Phil: You're right. The only thing different between this year and last is I'm prepared this year. And DeAndre Jordan and Charles Barkley are here.

Quote from Cameron

Rainer Shine: Looks like that picture I Instagrammed of the three of us is a big hit with Rainer Nation.
Mitchell: Oh. And is it safe to post your location like that? Aren't you worried about stalkers?
Rainer Shine: Oh, no, it's fine. Most of my followers are just overly excited, love-starved old ladies.
Cameron: [enters] Oh, I see your exclusive tea party opened up.
Mitchell: He just posted that. What, are you circling the restaurant?
Rainer Shine: Hey, Rainer Shine.
Haley: You sat next to him at Thanksgiving.
Rainer Shine: Right! Manny! Sit down. Join us.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Well, we have to find out. As her uncles, we need all the information we can so we can advise her properly.
Mitchell: Yeah. She's dating an older man. If she's uncomfortable, it's our duty to protect her.
Cameron: Okay. So we said all that. What could be "ca" be? Hmm? Carrot? Cupping? [gasps] You don't think it could be a Canadian long jump, do you?
Mitchell: Okay, what part would a woman play in that?

Quote from Claire

Ben: Okay, and so the red pins on this map mark all the locations of closets that were made with the toxic wood.
Claire: Okay, and we have recalled out of of the contaminated closets, so we only have to track down one more.
Ben: And since you didn't ask, the green pins are all the addresses of potential fathers of mine.

Quote from Jay

Jay: The kid doesn't fear me as he should, so I brought him in here to show him my scary boss side. Play along.
Claire: Okay.
Jay: Ben, how dumb do you think I am?
Ben: You found out?
Jay: Of course I found out. I know everything.
Ben: [scoffs] It was her idea!
Claire: Ben!
Jay: No, he's doing great. You're in big trouble, mister.
Ben: Jay, I'm so sorry. We were just trying to s...
Jay: Enough! [kicks the trash can] Come on, Joe!
Joe: Enough! [knocks over magazines; laughs]

Quote from Claire

Claire: Could you have rolled over any faster? My dad didn't know anything. That was just a big act for his kid.
Ben: Yeah, I know. I was playing along to...
Claire: Save it, okay? Somewhere, one of these green pins is very disappointed.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] No one even knew that I was back there. You know it's loud when you can't hear my voice!

Quote from Cameron

Rainer Shine: Ooh, I should take this. It might be drizzle-related. [exits]
Cameron: So, Haley, we are here to help you. Tell us what "c..." is.
Haley: You told him?
Mitchell: You can confide in us. We're middle-aged gay men. Whatever it is, we have heard of it.
Haley: Fine. The other night, Rainer asked me if I would be into candling.
Both: Oh.
Haley: You know what that is, right?
Both: Yes!
Mitchell: It's when you do the... and then... and then you... and then you do the... the boop, boop.
Cameron: Candling is where you light a hollow candle and insert it into one of the ear canals to remove ear wax.

Quote from Mitchell

Haley: The thing is, I don't know if I want to be that intimate with Rainer. Am I really ready to see gunk coming out of his ear? I mean, like, what if he stops being sexy?
Cameron: Well, it is intimacy like that that separates casual dating from something more serious.
Haley: But what about what you said earlier, how even committed relationships like yours have boundaries?
Cameron: Excuse me, what boundaries?
Rainer Shine: Hey, my phone died. Can I borrow one of yours?
Cameron: You told her we have boundaries?
Rainer Shine: You told them I asked you to candle me?
Mitchell: Okay, I feel like this tea's getting away from us.

Quote from Phil

DeAndre Jordan: You seem a little tight, man.
Phil: Hey, DeAndre Jordan. Uh, no, no, no, just working out the Jim-jams. First half's about getting a read.
DeAndre Jordan: Yeah, right.
Charles Barkley: I didn't realize that fans were coaching. And you're helping the parents. Teachers are the backbone of our country.
DeAndre Jordan: Get out of here. Parenting is the hardest job in the world. I'm so sick of you acting like you know everything. Going to therapy did nothing for you.
Charles Barkley: First of all, stop transferring. Secondly, how about I coach that team, you coach this team? Ten Dolphin Dollars you and Phil are going down.
Phil: Oh.
DeAndre Jordan: 10? You can't even get a Foam Flipper with that. Let's make it 50.
Phil: D.J., please.
Charles Barkley: How bout 50 real ones?
DeAndre Jordan: Okay. Make it five grand.
Phil: That's the jump?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Foul! Somebody fouled me!
Charles Barkley: Stop flopping!
DeAndre Jordan: Phil, come on, man. Focus! We just bet our Olympic gold medals.
Phil: Why? No one's making you do this!

Quote from Mitchell

Rainer Shine: I hate that I made you uncomfortable. I-I just wanted us to be real with each other.
Haley: I want that, too. I think I'm ready. I will candle you.
Cameron: Oh, look at that... two virtual strangers breaking down walls when I didn't even know we had any.
Mitchell: When I told Haley we had boundaries, I just meant that there are certain things I'd rather not ask you to do.
Cameron: Like what? We should be open and honest about whatever our wants and needs are.
Haley: As long as we're being real, there's something you need to know.
Cameron: There is absolutely nothing I...
Mitchell: Shh! I want to hear this.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Give me your hands. Okay, deep breath. Come on, Haley. [exhales sharply] I draw in my eyebrows.
Rainer Shine: Oh.
Haley: This is the real me. Did he leave? Is he still here?
Rainer Shine: I'm still here, and you're still beautiful.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Stop running from me.
Mitchell: Fine.
Rainer Shine: I have a confession of my own.
Mitchell: Two seconds.
Rainer Shine: I've never told anyone this. [sighs] I use tape to pull my neck back.
Mitchell: I knew it!
Haley: Wow. So brave.
Rainer Shine: I feel so naked right now.
Haley: Me, too.
Mitchell: They look exactly the same, right?
Cameron: No, what they look is happy because they are brave enough to be vulnerable with each other.

Quote from Claire

Jay: You sure that's okay for him to eat?
Claire: Yeah, it's fine.
Ben: Those fish are celebrated for their hardiness.
Claire: Yeah, hardy. Yeah, they're very popular amongst rappers 'cause they do equally well in Jacuzzis and champagne.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] Turns out, the wood doesn't just make people sick. It also kills fish. Well, I couldn't let Dad know I bought murder wood, so I sent Ben to get a replacement fish from the tank in the lobby.

Quote from Claire

Jay: Hey, kiddo, why's your hand wet?
Claire: It's not. It's sweaty. I went to the gym this morning. Fridays, I do legs and hands.

Quote from Jay

Jay: You know, I got a little something stuck in my throat. Give me a slug of that water.
Claire: Oh, no, you don't want this lobby water.
Jay: I just need a sip.
Claire: It's from the fountain, and the warehouse guys put their mouth all over it.
Jay: Just give it to me.
Claire: I can't. [gulps down the cup]
Jay: Oh, my God, you actually did it. Can you feel that thing swimming around in your belly?
Claire: You knew there was a fish in there?
Jay: I saw you toss the other one out.
Claire: [burps]
Jay: You're so afraid of getting caught screwing up, you'd swallow an animal?!

Quote from Jay

Claire: All right, well, we recalled all the bad wood, but that doesn't mean that we didn't screw up. So, go ahead, let me have it. Tear my head off. Tell me how I've disappointed you yet again. [Jay hugs Claire] And what is happening?
Jay: All day long I've been trying to get Joe to fear me. Maybe that's not the best thing for kids.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Well, I made six Dolphin Dollars plus real ones from some weirdo who wanted me to ladle cheese straight into his mouth.
Gloria: Ew. All right, papi, thank you so much, but I still need help attracting customers over there.
Manny: Oh, I can see if Phil has that thing in his car that flails around like this.
Gloria: Claire?
Manny: No, his Tube Dude.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Donna, we have to stop this fighting. A wise man once told me that we resent mirrors that show us what we don't want to see.
Dr. Donna: [scoffs] That's ridiculous. I love mirrors.
Gloria: But the point is that I was mad because you made me see who I really am, and I was shocked to see what I have become.
Dr. Donna: Stop talking. You're sounding human, and I don't like that.
Gloria: I am soft, privileged lady, and I thought that bothered me. Until today, I realized that it doesn't. I don't want to do this. I love my pretty, pretty life. The only thing that makes me feel bad is that I don't really feel bad about it.
Dr. Donna: Thank you so much for opening up to me. I almost started to feel something for you, but then when you said you don't feel guilty, my rage returned tenfold. And I need that rage. It gets me up in the morning.
Gloria: Well, if it helps you, I eat everything I want, and I work out like once a year.
Dr. Donna: You're horrible. [sighs] Oh, thank you.

Quote from Phil

DeAndre Jordan: All right, guys.. Tie game, three seconds left. There's only one thing that they're not gonna be expecting. We're gonna get the ball to Phil.
Phil: What?
DeAndre Jordan: They're not even guarding you. I'm so sure of this play, I just bet Barkley my car.
Phil: Is it a-a Honda?
DeAndre Jordan: No, it's a Phantom with my head as the hood ornament.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Phil, honey, hi! I'm sorry we're late, but at least we're here for the end of the game. I could really use a win on the day I drank a fish.
Phil: Drank like a fish.
Alex: Wow, a bunch of NBA players are tweeting about this bet between Charles Barkley and DeAndre Jordan. And they're live-streaming it, so like 60,000 people are watching.
Phil: Since when do people care about basketball?
Jay: Calm down, Phil. You can do this, pal.
Phil: You choose now to believe in me for the first time?

Quote from Phil

Charles Barkley: Well, well, well... League rules dictate, if a player can't attempt a free throw because of injury, opposing team gets to pick the shooter.
DeAndre Jordan: Right, but you're not a know-it-all.
Charles Barkley: Don't give this anger power. [to Phil] I pick you. Don't choke.


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