Haley: Are you into him or something?
Alex: No! I'm just genuinely concerned you're going to embarrass yourself or me. At least look up the difference between astrology and astronomy.
Haley: Okay, alls I know is, is that you're being a real Capricorn right now. The sun revolves around the Earth, and not you.

Joe: [aside to camera] Now that I'm six, I like girls, but I love two girls: The Little Mermaid and Claire.

Gloria: You see, we have the same address and the same last name. I was just pretending to be a prostitute because my husband has a thing for Jane Fonda in "Klute."
Jay: The body was crazy. Unfortunately, so were the politics.

Phil: Gloria is mad at you. If you walk in there with some lame gift, she will bite your head right off, mister.
Jay: Well, you worried for nothing. I bought her a nice cookie, and the biggest Mylar balloon they sold at the grocery store.

Claire: Okay, call Gloria, tell her to meet you at a hotel bar, and then you show up as some romantic character.
Jay: Who would I be?
Phil: Anybody. Think of the most exotic person you can.
Jay: General Eisenhower, the father of the American freeway.
Claire: You're gonna want to think a little sexier than that.
Jay: You have not seen the right photos.

Alex: What are you doing? I thought he was taking you out to dinner.
Haley: I'm pre-eating so I don't look like a pig. Oh, please tell me you don't eat on dates.

Mitchell: I cannot believe we got into this restaurant.
Cameron: I know. Oh, you know what? Let's take a picture and use Facebook the way it was intended.
Mitchell: Oh, to find out how racist our high-school friends are?
Cameron: No, to make people in our lives feel worse about their lives.

Joe: [clears throat]
Phil: Oh. Joe. W-What are you doing up?
Joe: Hello, Claire. I made this for you.
Claire: Oh, my goodness. Look, it's a Valentine. It's two love bugs. Aww.
Joe: [to Phil] Two love bugs. Three's a crowd.

Waitress: Hey, how can I help you?
Gloria: I am Gigi DeLaroca, businesswoman. Life has tried to break me, but it has only teach me.
Waitress: So, you want a drink?
Jay: [Spanish accent] The lady will have Campari and soda.
Gloria: Hello, sir. I have never had that drink.
Jay: Well, no one "Camparis" to you.
Gloria: [laughs] Very clever.

Luke: Yeah. She's standing me up. Women are impossible, you know?
Cameron: For us, they are.
Mitchell: Well, now [chuckles] I made it work once, although there was a-a Rob Lowe poster behind her.