Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Written In The Stars’ Quotes

Modern Family: Written In The Stars

914. Written In The Stars

Aired February 28, 2018

Phil and Claire urge Jay to step things up on Valentine's Day by taking inspiration from Clive and Juliana. Haley questions whether she's special enough to date Arvin. Meanwhile, Mitchell and Cameron's catty talk leads to trouble for Luke and his date.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Are you into him or something?
Alex: No! I'm just genuinely concerned you're going to embarrass yourself or me. At least look up the difference between astrology and astronomy.
Haley: Okay, alls I know is, is that you're being a real Capricorn right now. The sun revolves around the Earth, and not you.

Rate

Quote from Joe

Joe: [aside to camera] Now that I'm six, I like girls, but I love two girls: The Little Mermaid and Claire.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: You see, we have the same address and the same last name. I was just pretending to be a prostitute because my husband has a thing for Jane Fonda in "Klute."
Jay: The body was crazy. Unfortunately, so were the politics.

Quote from Jay

Phil: Gloria is mad at you. If you walk in there with some lame gift, she will bite your head right off, mister.
Jay: Well, you worried for nothing. I bought her a nice cookie, and the biggest Mylar balloon they sold at the grocery store.

Quote from Jay

Claire: Okay, call Gloria, tell her to meet you at a hotel bar, and then you show up as some romantic character.
Jay: Who would I be?
Phil: Anybody. Think of the most exotic person you can.
Jay: General Eisenhower, the father of the American freeway.
Claire: You're gonna want to think a little sexier than that.
Jay: You have not seen the right photos.

Quote from Haley

Alex: What are you doing? I thought he was taking you out to dinner.
Haley: I'm pre-eating so I don't look like a pig. Oh, please tell me you don't eat on dates.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: I cannot believe we got into this restaurant.
Cameron: I know. Oh, you know what? Let's take a picture and use Facebook the way it was intended.
Mitchell: Oh, to find out how racist our high-school friends are?
Cameron: No, to make people in our lives feel worse about their lives.

Quote from Joe

Joe: [clears throat]
Phil: Oh. Joe. W-What are you doing up?
Joe: Hello, Claire. I made this for you.
Claire: Oh, my goodness. Look, it's a Valentine. It's two love bugs. Aww.
Joe: [to Phil] Two love bugs. Three's a crowd.

Quote from Jay

Waitress: Hey, how can I help you?
Gloria: I am Gigi DeLaroca, businesswoman. Life has tried to break me, but it has only teach me.
Waitress: So, you want a drink?
Jay: [Spanish accent] The lady will have Campari and soda.
Gloria: Hello, sir. I have never had that drink.
Jay: Well, no one "Camparis" to you.
Gloria: [laughs] Very clever.

Quote from Mitchell

Luke: Yeah. She's standing me up. Women are impossible, you know?
Cameron: For us, they are.
Mitchell: Well, now [chuckles] I made it work once, although there was a-a Rob Lowe poster behind her.

Quote from Haley

Arvin: Yeah, there's a new moon, so it's the perfect night to observe faint star clusters. And right in the middle, there's a variable star that I discovered. It's right next to a white dwarf.
Haley: [gasps] Oh, I don't think you're allowed to say that anymore.
Arvin: Yes, tricky times we live in.

Quote from Cameron

Luke: And I thought my date was cold.
Mitchell: What? No. Cam knows what I mean.
Luke: Cam knows you are mean?
Cameron: You were more effusive about tonight's menu than you were in my card. "The molten chocolate cake looks slutty and delicious." Would it kill you to say that about me?

Quote from Cameron

Luke: I know what happened. She walked in, saw me for the first time, and thought I was hideous. I've really been struggling with my hair lately.
Mitchell: No, no, stop it. You have great hair.
Cameron: If it worked for Sheena Easton, it can work for you.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: We're Luke's uncles.
Amanda: You're his uncles?
Both: Uh-huh.
Amanda: And you said he put sweaty moves on brain-dead bimbos?
Luke: Okay, hadn't heard the specifics.
Cameron: Okay, you know you know what? We d- We didn't mean any of that. We're gay, and gays are snarky. It's a cultural thing. You know how, like, you're Italian? [Italian accents] Italians talk a lot with their hands, right [normal voice] and are much looser than one would imagine for Catholics.

Quote from Jay

Security guard: Well, I guess you didn't do anything wrong by hotel rules, but based on my personal belief system-
Jay: We're not looking for any input. Thank you. I can't believe I took romantic advice from Phil, a grown man I've seen in lederhosen at least three times.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: I wasn't mad at you. I was mad at Joe because he didn't make me a Valentine.
Jay: So your 6-year-old kid doesn't give you a card, you get so mad, you throw a tire iron through the windshield. It's got to be deeper than that.
Gloria: Manny, for the first time ever, didn't make me a Valentine's, either.
Jay: That's not deeper. That's just doubling down on the same disturbing thing.
Gloria: Disturbing? When Manny was 5 years old, he told me that he would forever be my Valentine's. Promises were made. I will not be ignored! Okay, yeah. That sounded weird.


 Episode 913 Episode 915 
  Select another episode