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39Quotes from ‘The Verdict’

Modern Family: The Verdict

705. The Verdict

Aired October 21, 2015

Claire is excited to show Haley And Alex a different side of her on "Take Your Daughter to Work Day", but the staff make it a punishing day for her. When Phil takes Luke and Manny's class out for a day of community service, he gets more teachable moments than he expected. Elsewhere, Jay is reluctant to help out at Joe's pre-school, Gloria is delighted to be selected for jury duty, and Mitchell and Cameron disagree over the guest list for a party.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Well, you better get used to going there, because if I get put into a murder trial, I could be gone for weeks. Maybe I should tell them that I have experience on a firing squad.
Jay: Why do you say crazy stuff like that? Now, that isn't true, is it?

Quote from Phil

Luke: It's a classic scam. You pretend you know someone and then borrow money.
Phil: Okay. Men, gather 'round. Teachable mome- Hey. Just a circle. Gather means a circle. What did you just see?
Reuben: A squirrel eating a band-aid.
Phil: No. You saw a man helping out a friend in need.
Luke: If he was your friend, what's his name?
Phil: That slipped my mind.
Luke: Did you recognize him at all?
Phil: Gentlemen, don't be cynics like Luke. Don't let your skinny jeans cut off the blood to your hearts.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hi, gang. I'm Joe's dad. Hey, uh, anybody want to hear a story?
Erica: That's a great idea, Jay!
Jay: Okay. This one's called "The Teeny Tiny House." "In a teeny tiny town on a teeny tiny block stood a teeny tiny house with a teeny tiny"
Tommy: You're old.
Jay: You seen my wife, Big Ears?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: After that, Big Ears' parents and I had to spend a little time at the feelings table.

Quote from Jay

[aside to camera:]
Jay: I was standing outside feeling sorry for myself.
[flashback:]
Erica: Larry the Lonely Leopard couldn't change his spots but once he put his smile on look at all the friends he's got.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Then I realized I was Larry the Lonely Leopard. I just needed to put my smile on. That song works on so many levels.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Shh! I am waiting to see if I get to go tomorrow.
Jay: Jury duty. You know, you can just throw that away. There's no way they can ever tell you got it.
Gloria: Jay, you're a bad American. It is a privilege to serve on a jury. For the first time, I get to be part of it.
Jay: Talk to me when you're eating a tuna sandwich out of a machine.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: You're gonna have to take my place working at Joe's school.
Jay: I can't do that. I have a job.
Gloria: Have Claire cover for you. She knows how to yell at people and read the newspaper.
Jay: What the hell's wrong with that school? Aren't we paying them so we don't have to take care of our kid?
Gloria: That's not the way it works at The Learning Barn. You know that they want the parents to be involved so that they can bond with the kids.
Jay: What's wrong with schools today? I'm successful, and I had a nun with a mustache.

Quote from Phil

Alex: [on video chat] Oh, I don't know, Haley. I mean, he is really cute and really smart and really funny, but, oh, he's always wearing clogs.
Haley: Oh, no, no. If he is not a chef, a nurse, or a tulip salesman, you need to run.
Phil: Hey, if your mother had that attitude about a man in clogs, you two wouldn't have a dad.

Quote from Luke

Claire: Guess what, guys.I am going to be the big boss at work tomorrow, and coincidentally, it's take your daughter to work day. Huh?
Luke: I'll go to work with you, Mom.
Phil: Stop trying to get out of community service. You need those hours to graduate.
Claire: And you're not a daughter.
Luke: Mom, Dad, sit down. There's something I need to talk to you about.
Phil: You're going.

Quote from Haley

Claire: So, girls, what do you say?
Haley: Uh, you know we're not 8, and I have a job.
Claire: You called in sick twice last week because you had a zit.
Haley: I work in fashion. They told me not to come in.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Raymond and J'Marcus broke up three months ago, and they'd been together almost as long as we have.
Cameron: J'Marcus got all the friends, and Raymond got all the confidence to go shopping in his pajamas.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [blows whistle]
Mitchell: What was I supposed to do? I mean, he was all sad and pathetic and broken.
Cameron: Oh, well, yes, the perfect addition to any party. They are gonna be at each other's throats and ruin the whole night. Come on, Lily. Thanks to you, we are throwing the antisocial event of the season.
Mitchell: Cam.
Cameron: No, I'm late and I'd like to leave on that.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hi. I'm- I'm here.
Erica: Well, this is a special treat. I spy with my little eye a first-time volunteer!
Jay: Gloria had jury duty, so no chance I could get out of this by pretending to be racist? [chuckles]

Quote from Manny

Phil: Okay, men. Gather 'round. Teachable moment. Don't think of community service as a requirement. Think of cleaning up this park as an opportunity.
Luke: To get hepatitis?
Phil: To make the world a better place.
Manny: That's why I'm here. I already did my required hours.
Luke: That's a fancy way of saying you're a virgin.
Manny: Joke all you want, but this looks good on an application to NYU or UCLA or [pointing to Luke] KFC.

Quote from Gloria

Attorney: Moving on, juror 15.
Gloria: Here. Ask me anything. I am an American.
Attorney: All right. When someone hires a lawyer, do you think they're more likely to be guilty?
Gloria: No.
Attorney: Thank you.
Gloria: When they play with their hair like he is, that's when I know that they're guilty.

Quote from Gloria

Attorney: Your honor, we request dismissal of juror 15.
Gloria: Why? I'm very good at reading people. He is guilty. And, by the way, so is the guy that is behind him.
Judge: He's not even on trial.
Gloria: Well, then he should be.
Gloria: I don't know what you did, but you did it!
Attorney: Your honor.
Gloria: He's getting away.
Judge: Juror 15, you are dismissed.
Gloria: Ay! No, please, your excellency. I just want to do my part as a citizen.
Judge: Lady, you can stop acting crazy. You got out.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hey, Joe! You want to- [Joe runs past him] I'm like Bruce Willis in "The Sixth Sense."

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Well, you're the lawyer. When can I go to jury duty again?
Mitchell: Uh, you know, I have no idea. You're literally the first person who has ever asked that.
Gloria: I am so frustrated. This reminds me when I was a little girl in my village and we had no power.
Mitchell: Oh, this is the story about the TV set powered by the donkey, right?
Gloria: No, political power.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: What is the problem with inviting Majarcus and Roland?
Cameron: They had a horrible breakup.
Mitchell: Months ago.
Cameron: Gloria, what do you think?
Gloria: I think I need to know more before I adjudicate.
Mitchell: Adjudicate?
Gloria: When the skies were clear and the donkey was very strong, we would watch "L.A. Law."

Quote from Luke

Manny: Phil, don't give in to his hipster cynicism. I admire your childlike faith in people. And, Luke, answer me this. If this guy is such a con man, how did he know your dad was Mr. Real Estate?
Phil: Boom!
Manny: Someone give this kid a mike to drop.
Luke: Wow. You got me. I'm actually feeling a little dizzy because of that. My whole world view has been rocked. I'm just gonna sit down before I pass out. [sits down on a park bench featuring an advertisement for Phil's real estate business]
Manny: Pretty smug for a guy sitting on pigeon droppings.
Luke: Totally worth it.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Let me see if I'm understanding this. So, you have known Radar longer, but Jemima is the fun one.
Cameron: Uh, yes, and kudos for really zeroing in on those names.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Cam! Cam's the one, all right? Cam's the one I'm worried about. He's the one who's gonna be left behind.
Gloria: I rest my case.
Cameron: Well, I don't rest mine. Why do you think I'm the one that's gonna be left behind? I'm the belle of the ball.
Mitchell: Right there. That's the type of thing you should let other people say. About a woman.
Cameron: Nobody really cares about your political rants. Our friends don't want to hear about the Koch [rhymes with coke] brothers unless you're talking about a couple hot guys in a bathroom at a nightclub.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Jay?
Jay: In here with the booze.
Gloria: Oh, ay. How are you?
Jay: Fine. Why?
Gloria: The school called, and they said that a mean boy made fun of you.
Jay: Shh! He can probably hear us from here. Kid had ears bigger than Stella's.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Wait, wait! Wait! Oh! I'm in! Parking structure "C"!
Jay: You're excited about a parking structure? It's not even "A" or "B."

Quote from Jay

Jay: Wait a second. That new closet, what did I say it was called?
Gloria: You never said.
Jay: Damn it! That's why I need a grease pencil in the shower.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] Until now, I was always a full-time mom, so the girls never had a chance to see the other side of me You know, powerful woman in charge.
Phil: Yeah, 'cause we never get to see your tough side. [snorts, chuckles]

Quote from Jay

Jay: Anyway, uh, what do you need?
Erica: You can set up the paints, make the Kale smoothies, and wipe down the rabbit hutch.
Jay: On it. Margaret? Paint, smoothies, hutch.
Margaret: Got it.
Erica: Excuse me. Who's this?
Jay: That's Margaret, my assistant.
Margaret: I couldn't have children.
Erica: This is not how it works with parent volunteers.
Jay: You're already playing fast and loose with that term "volunteer," so what do you say?
Erica: As much as we don't like to use the word "no"-
Jay: And, by the way, if any of these little tykes start acting up, she's not afraid to get out the wooden spoon.
Erica: Jay, I know it's a little scary, but you're going to have to let her go.
Jay: I don't want her to go.
Erica: Margaret, just go. I'll distract him.
Jay: Come back.
Erica: Margaret, don't turn around.

Quote from Phil

Monty: Hey! There he is.
Phil: Hey... You.
Monty: How long's it been, Mr. Real Estate?
Phil: Well, you tell me, Mr. You.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: I'm usually really good with names and faces, but I could not remember who this guy was. Fortunately, I found that one perfectly worded question can get you all the information you need.
[back:]
Phil: How's things?

Quote from Phil

Monty: How's the beautiful wife?
Phil: Claire's great. Yeah. Thank you so much for asking. How's- How's your situation?
Monty: Oh, you know, same ol', same ol'.
Phil: Mm-hmm.
Monty: Actually, I'm glad I'm running into you like this. My car just got towed, and my wallet and cellphone were in there.
Phil: Oh.
Monty: Could you possibly lend me some money for cab fare or-
Phil: Yes. Of course. How's, uh, $40 with a little extra in case you run into trouble? I want to make sure you get back to your house in, uh...
Monty: Time for dinner, I hope. [both laugh]

Quote from Manny

Manny: I'm with you, Phil. I choose to believe in the goodness of men.
Luke: You have a condom stuck to your shoe.
Manny: Oh.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Does that guy with the tattoos still work on the loading docks? When I was 15, he gave me my first catcall.
Claire: Pretty sure that was his last day.

Quote from Jay

Erica: Jay, will you please put the craft table over on the hemp rug? No.
Jay: For a word you don't use, I'm sure hearing it a lot.
Erica: That's the craft table. You're holding the feelings table, where we talk about how we feel.
Jay: Hey, Mr. Table, I feel like breaking you over a hippie.

Quote from Lily

Gloria: We had no say in anything. But now I am an American, so I thought things were going to be different. I wanted to listen to testimony, look at the evidence, have somebody burst in with new information.
Cameron: Mitchell, guess what just happened.
Mitchell: You're home early.
Cameron: I have a two-hour lunch Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. And summers off.
Lily: I'm beginning to get the low pay.

Quote from Haley

Alex: Oh, my god.
Claire: What?
Alex: Your pupil is the size of a nickel.
Claire: Oh.
Haley: It looks like half of you went to a rave.

Quote from Phil

Luke: Hey, Dad, remember that time you were getting ripped off?
Phil: You're still on this.
Luke: I took a picture of the guy and sent it to Mom. She swears she's never seen him before in her life.
Phil: Your mom could say that about anyone she met at a party with an open bar.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Sounds like someone could use another teachable moment.
Luke: Oh, I'm good, Dad.
Phil: Men, gather 'round. Teachable mo- Mother of..! Luke here still thinks I got ripped off, but if that guy wasn't legit, how did he know that Luke was my son?
Luke: Because I called you dad.
Phil: But how did he know that you used to be small? I get the problem with that one.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Okay, that's it. Both of you sit down. I have reached my decision. Raymond is coming to the party. Yes! It's a smart precedent to set, because after what I heard here today, I think there is a big chance that both of you are going to be left out.
Cameron: Wow.
Mitchell: Uh, you know you're not under oath, right?

Quote from Luke

Monty: Hey! What the hell?
Phil: There he is! Mr. Full-Of-Garbage.
Monty: What are you doing?
Phil: Payback for turning a bunch of innocent kids into cynics by preying on my good nature and pretending you know me!
Luke: Yeah!
Monty: Phil, Dr. Monty Lemon. I delivered Luke.
Phil: Dr. Monty Lemon was thinner, had more hair, and was a good 15 years younger than you... Oh.
Luke: Oh, yeah. You're in my baby photos.

Quote from Joe

Gloria: How was your school day?
Joe: Best day ever 'cause Daddy was there.
Gloria: Really? Did you like Daddy being in school?
Joe: He made snacks, he read books, and now I call Tommy "Big Ears."
Jay: I'm glad that stuck.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Anyone there? Hey, a little help!
Tommy: Hello?
Jay: Tommy? Tommy, oh, hey. I'm kind of stuck here. Could you go get a grown-up?
Tommy: Sorry, can't hear you! [runs off]
Jay: Really? With those ears? I'm sorry, that was uncalled for. What do you want? Money? I got money! Go ahead, use the credit cards! You'll spend less than my wife.


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