Gloria: Well, you better get used to going there, because if I get put into a murder trial, I could be gone for weeks. Maybe I should tell them that I have experience on a firing squad.
Jay: Why do you say crazy stuff like that? Now, that isn't true, is it?

Luke: It's a classic scam. You pretend you know someone and then borrow money.
Phil: Okay. Men, gather 'round. Teachable mome- Hey. Just a circle. Gather means a circle. What did you just see?
Reuben: A squirrel eating a band-aid.
Phil: No. You saw a man helping out a friend in need.
Luke: If he was your friend, what's his name?
Phil: That slipped my mind.
Luke: Did you recognize him at all?
Phil: Gentlemen, don't be cynics like Luke. Don't let your skinny jeans cut off the blood to your hearts.

Jay: Hi, gang. I'm Joe's dad. Hey, uh, anybody want to hear a story?
Erica: That's a great idea, Jay!
Jay: Okay. This one's called "The Teeny Tiny House." "In a teeny tiny town on a teeny tiny block stood a teeny tiny house with a teeny tiny"
Tommy: You're old.
Jay: You seen my wife, Big Ears?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: After that, Big Ears' parents and I had to spend a little time at the feelings table.

[aside to camera:]
Jay: I was standing outside feeling sorry for myself.
[flashback:]
Erica: Larry the Lonely Leopard couldn't change his spots but once he put his smile on look at all the friends he's got.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Then I realized I was Larry the Lonely Leopard. I just needed to put my smile on. That song works on so many levels.

Gloria: Shh! I am waiting to see if I get to go tomorrow.
Jay: Jury duty. You know, you can just throw that away. There's no way they can ever tell you got it.
Gloria: Jay, you're a bad American. It is a privilege to serve on a jury. For the first time, I get to be part of it.
Jay: Talk to me when you're eating a tuna sandwich out of a machine.

Gloria: You're gonna have to take my place working at Joe's school.
Jay: I can't do that. I have a job.
Gloria: Have Claire cover for you. She knows how to yell at people and read the newspaper.
Jay: What the hell's wrong with that school? Aren't we paying them so we don't have to take care of our kid?
Gloria: That's not the way it works at The Learning Barn. You know that they want the parents to be involved so that they can bond with the kids.
Jay: What's wrong with schools today? I'm successful, and I had a nun with a mustache.

Alex: [on video chat] Oh, I don't know, Haley. I mean, he is really cute and really smart and really funny, but, oh, he's always wearing clogs.
Haley: Oh, no, no. If he is not a chef, a nurse, or a tulip salesman, you need to run.
Phil: Hey, if your mother had that attitude about a man in clogs, you two wouldn't have a dad.

Claire: Guess what, guys.I am going to be the big boss at work tomorrow, and coincidentally, it's take your daughter to work day. Huh?
Luke: I'll go to work with you, Mom.
Phil: Stop trying to get out of community service. You need those hours to graduate.
Claire: And you're not a daughter.
Luke: Mom, Dad, sit down. There's something I need to talk to you about.
Phil: You're going.

Claire: So, girls, what do you say?
Haley: Uh, you know we're not 8, and I have a job.
Claire: You called in sick twice last week because you had a zit.
Haley: I work in fashion. They told me not to come in.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Raymond and J'Marcus broke up three months ago, and they'd been together almost as long as we have.
Cameron: J'Marcus got all the friends, and Raymond got all the confidence to go shopping in his pajamas.