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36Quotes from ‘The Escape’

Modern Family: The Escape

921. The Escape

Aired May 9, 2018

When the family visits Jay's mean sister in a nursing home, her recent stroke doesn't stop Jay, Claire and Mitchell from wanting to settle old scores. Phil, Cameron and Gloria get trapped in a basement on their way to an escape room. After meeting Arvin's parents Haley winds up in the hospital, where she is reunited with a trio of ex-boyfriends.

Quote from Gloria

Fred: The stroke may have scrambled some of Becky's memories.
Mitchell: So she doesn't remember me coming out?
Fred: Correct. And now presumes you're straight. That part I can't explain.
Phil: [quietly] Have you tried popping her on the noggin?
Jay: She's not a jukebox, Fonzie.
Gloria: And besides, it doesn't work. It only made my uncle worse. He never woke up.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Oh, gosh, I guess your name must still be in my phone as my emergency contact. I use boyfriends to avoid lectures from my parents. I don't want to wake up in a Tijuana prison and them be all like, "You're grounded."

Quote from Andy

Haley: Andy, um, I have to tell you something. And I'm really, really sorry, but I'm seeing someone.
Andy: Really?
Haley: Yeah.
Andy: Yes! Whoo-hoo! Oh, thank goodness. Me, too. I just didn't know how to tell you, especially if you were dying. She's a Laker girl.
Haley: Oh, wow. A cheerleader. Nice.
Andy: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Josephine scrapes barnacles off boats in the Great Salt Lake. We call them Laker girls. But they are kind of sex symbols in Utah.

Quote from Haley

Phil: Oh, look at you all dressed up. Coming with us to watch Uncle Mitchell sweat?
Haley: No, Arvin's dad is in from London, and he wants me to meet him.
Claire: Hang on. You're not hungover. Hair's conservative, no cleavage. Oh, my God. You're trying to make a good impression. You're in love!
Haley: Shut up. I am not.
Claire: Ohh, I don't know. I see how hard you work at this relationship. You woke up early to watch soccer and you called it football.
Haley: Oh, just calm down. It's been three months, and everyone knows Liverpool is having a cracking good year.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Still, meeting a parent is a major relationship milestone.
Phil: Claire, you're getting my hopes up, and I still haven't recovered from Andy. And don't even get me started on Dylan. I get nostalgic every time I see someone sleeping in their car.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I guess I'm proudest of these two little guys here. This is the Spacemaster 500, and this is the Xanadu newest additions to the Pritchett's Closets family.
Aunt Becky: What's Pritchett's Closets?
Jay: This damn disease doesn't care what it destroys.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Are you comfortable? Can I help you with anything that's not disgusting?
Aunt Becky: I'm fine. But I was wondering if, this summer, I could borrow your fishing cabin.
Jay: My fishing cabin?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: My dad had a fishing cabin that he promised would go to me, but the double-crossing bastard left it to my sister Becky, who's also a double-crosser. Now that her memory is Swiss cheese, I can steal my cabin back. Finally, the good guy wins.

Quote from Haley

Mrs. Fennerman: Haley, I know your job is top secret, but I'm so fascinated by nanotechnology self-replicating robots and such. I'd love to hear your insight into grey goo.
Haley: Ooh, I can answer that. It's my favorite vodka.
Mrs. Fennerman: Hmm?
Haley: Enough about me. Um, I love your blazer. Do you have a corgi like the queen? Crazy times in London. Am I right? I hear that your, um, bridge is falling down, [weakly] falling down.

Quote from Andy

Haley: Andy? You- You came all the way from Utah?
Andy: Oh, no. I was in town for a self-help seminar "How To Be In The Right Place at the Right Time." Holy cow. It's working.

Quote from Dylan

Andy: So, who is the lucky guy?
Haley: Well, it's a bit of a mess right now, but, um, he is a professor and an astrophysicist. He's a a legit genius.
Dylan: Haley! I came as soon as I heard. Actually, that's not true. I stopped for tacos.
Haley: Not him.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Guys, if it comes to it, and I mean this I want you guys to eat me.
Gloria: As I told you before, in those elevators and in the traffic jam years ago, I am not going to eat you.

Quote from Dylan

Haley: Dylan, I'm sorry you got called.
Dylan: Well, maybe you didn't delete me from your phone because you didn't delete me from your heart.
Haley: Or I just forgot.
Dylan: [scoffs] Right. I'm married, Haley, and we're monotonous. You got to move on.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Ew. Are you doing laundry on the stove like in olden times? Oh, my God. Are we poor? I knew Dad's magic shop would destroy us.

Quote from Claire

Claire: No, it is my Aunt Becky's favorite tomato soup, and I am bringing it to her because she's recovering from a stroke.
Haley: Is she the mean one you guys used to be so scared of?
Claire: Oh, God, yes, especially Uncle Mitchell. It was like he was a weak gazelle and she was a hungry, homophobic cheetah.

Quote from Phil

Haley: No offense, but that soup stinks.
Claire: No, it smells fine.
Phil: Is someone burning Frisbees?
Claire: It's soup!
Phil: No, that's not it.

Quote from Haley

Nicole: So, our latest product is the most amazing scientific breakthrough stickers!
Madison: Oh, you're a genius.
Haley: What an amazing time we live in. I can't.
Nicole: So, they're designed to reduce stress and to help you boldly pursue greatness by scrambling the rational part of the brain that asks, "Does this seem right?" Anyway, since I can't test on laboratory rats, I'm gonna need you guys to try them.
Haley: Okay.
Nicole: Okay. So, wait! No one here has a pacemaker or lawyer parents, right?
Haley: No.
Nicole: Then test away!

Quote from Jay

Jay: I'll go see what room Becky's in, or we can just feel for which doorknob is cold.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Escape room? What is that?
Cameron: Oh, it's a themed room that they lock you in, and then you have to solve puzzles and clues to, um, you know, escape.
Gloria: Or they cut off your finger?
Phil: What? No. It's just for fun.
Gloria: Oh, but then that lowers the stakes.

Quote from Claire

Gloria: Jay, did you hear that there is an escape room across the street?
Jay: We're not doing that.
Gloria: Why not?
Jay: Because when you get in a stressful situation, you start to scream, and I'm not taking that show into a locked room.
Mitchell: Yeah, and this one gets panicked if he's stuck in traffic for more than five minutes.
Phil: Guess it's just you and me.
Claire: Oh, hard pass, honey. In a confined space, you're just bouncing off the wall like Flubber.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] It's no secret my sister Becky and I have our differences.
Gloria: They haven't talked in nine years.
Jay: She's kind of a monster.
Gloria: I've only met her once, at our wedding. Imagine if you took all of Jay's worst qualities and wrapped them in a pantsuit.
Jay: But as soon as I heard she had a stroke, I knew I had to rush to her side.
Gloria: It happened three weeks ago.
Jay: Right in the middle of hockey playoffs! Typical Becky!

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: She doesn't remember I'm gay.
Cameron: Yeah, no, I know. I was here for the whole explanation.
Mitchell: This means I get to come out to her again. It was a disaster the first time. I was I was so wishy-washy about the whole thing that when I finally said, "I-I think I might be gay," she said, "Ew."
Cameron: Are you sure she didn't mean, "Ooh"?
Mitchell: No, no. It was followed up by a whole bunch of stuff about me making Jesus cry.
Cameron: Oh.
Mitchell: For 20 years, I've regretted that moment, and today, I get the chance to make it right.
Cameron: Or you could just leave a poor, old demented woman alone and not make her stroke all about you.
Mitchell: Why do I even bring you to these things?

Quote from Claire

Claire: Phil, that is my necklace. I lent it to her for Dad and Gloria's wedding, and she never gave it back. She said she lost it.
Phil: Claire, the woman just had a stroke.
Claire: When I graduated, my mother gave me a very special necklace, which I returned so I could get that necklace. I'm getting it back.

Quote from Phil

Gloria: What is this place?
Phil: I don't know. Let's just go back up. Oh, no. It's locked!
Gloria: Okay, call someone. I don't have a cellphone.
Cameron: Okay, well, I don't have any service.
Phil: I don't either. Guys, if we don't figure out a way to get out of here soon, we're never gonna make it to the escape room.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Look, I'm not getting in the way of anything. Arvin never told me about it, and even if he did, I wouldn't understand. The NERP I work for is a website run by an actress who thinks she knows science because, once in a James Bond movie, she played a nuclear physicist, Dr. Mona Lott.

Quote from Jay

Claire: Hey, look who made you your favorite soup. Nothing like a familiar smell to bring back memories.
Jay: She ate.
Aunt Becky: I did? But I'm sort of hungry.
Jay: Well, feed a cold, starve a stroke.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [shouting] Hey! Help! We're stuck in here!
Phil: Gloria, that didn't work five minutes ago, and it didn't work 10 minutes ago.
Gloria: Why can't they hear me? This vent has to go somewhere.
Phil: Gloria Maria Ramirez Delgado Pritchett, you are a genius.
Gloria: I know.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Let's "Die Hard" this puppy.

Quote from Haley

Arvin: [on the phone] Haley, I'm sorry. You had every right to run out of the restaurant.
Haley: You know, I've put up with a lot from boyfriends: futons, video games, wives. But you were ashamed of me.
Arvin: My mother is a judgmental snob! I wanted her to like you. I know I just I handled it all wrong. But please come back.
Haley: No! You made me feel bad about myself, and I deserve better than that, okay? So just go to Switzerland and sit in a big thing of, like, Swiss chocolate and and yodel, okay?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Anybody got a spoon? We could "Shawshank" this thing.
Gloria: It didn't go so well when you "Die Hard"-ed it.
Phil: Okay. Full disclosure. If I don't feel supported, I tend to shut down.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Well, Mitchell would have some conspiracy theory that this is where the staff does illicit behaviors.
Gloria: That's what it is. I have been smelling marijuana since I got here! [sniffs]
Phil: I got Gloria.
Cameron: My God, she's like a DEA dog.

Quote from Phil

Gloria: Great. Now we have marijuana and no lighter and just this stupid key. I can hear Jay saying, "Maybe that key opens the door, dummy."
Phil: They can never know how much smarter they are than us.
Cameron: Never.

Quote from Jay

Jay: You got this, Becky. You walk in the cabin, you push those buttons. They go beep, boop, boop, boop. What are the numbers?
Aunt Becky: 3
Jay: Uh-huh.
Aunt Becky: 3
Jay: Yeah?
Aunt Becky: Weeks! Since I've had my stroke, and this is the first time you come and visit, and all you can care about is that stupid cabin.
Jay: Wait. No, what?
Aunt Becky: My brain is fine!
Jay: But the doctor.
Aunt Becky: That's Fred from next door. He played a doctor on a soap opera once, and he kept the coat.
Jay: But it was hockey playoffs.

Quote from Jay

Claire: Oh, Aunt Becky, I'm so sorry. I just got off the phone with the Prince of Liechtenstein. He's having some terrible financial troubles. He's gonna need the necklace back. You know, to feed his people.
Aunt Becky: Save it, princess.
Jay: There's nothing wrong with her memory. She was messing with us. Mean, huh?
Claire: Horrible.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: So you also know about me too, then?
Aunt Becky: What about you?
Mitchell: Oh, God. This is happening. Um, I-I, um I so I-
Aunt Becky: Spit it out.
Mitchell: Uh, I'm not here to take anything from you. I'm here to be my true self.
Aunt Becky: Oh, for God's sake.
Mitchell: And my true self is- Aunt Becky! I am a lawyer.
Aunt Becky: A lawyer? Ew.
Mitchell: Well, that's "ew" for two.

Quote from Dylan

Andy: She has a boyfriend. Not me. I have a girlfriend. She's a Laker girl.
Dylan: Oh, barnacle scraper? Hot.

Quote from Haley

Rainer Shine: I came as soon as I got the call. Hey. What's her forecast?


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