Previous Episode Next Episode 

41Quotes from ‘Tableau Vivant’

Modern Family: Tableau Vivant

323. Tableau Vivant

Aired May 16, 2012

When Alex gathers the whole family together for her "living art" project, everybody is at each other's throats. Jay is upset that Gloria doesn't like his sandwich at their local diner, Cameron and Claire disagree over parenting techniques, Phil is struggling to fire Mitchell, who's doing a favor for his real estate firm, and Manny is upset that Luke accepted an award under false pretenses.

Quote from Alex

Claire: Honey, do you think you're nervous because you've got a little crush on Mr. Jarvis?
Alex: No.
Claire: Are you sure? Because I've seen the way you look at him-
Alex: Sounds like you're the one with the crush! I've just never had a teacher not like me before.
Phil: Well, Ms. Davis.
Alex: Please. She's a gym teacher. She is to teaching what Dr. Seuss is to medicine.
Claire: And to think she didn't like you.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I'm a stress blinker, um, and what really gets me going is confrontation. I hate it. I-I avoid it at all costs. Terrible at it. Once, I, uh, I tried to break up with a girl, and I danced around it so much, she didn't know I had broken up with her. Twenty years later we're still married.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] Every new generation thinks they have cracked the code on child rearing. What's the latest theory? "Never say no." I say "no" every day in this house.
Phil: But at night, she's a "yes" machine.
Claire: No.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: No, you have no idea what it feels like to be fired.
Cameron: Yes, I do. I've been fired. Everyone has.
Mitchell: Not me.
Cameron: Never?
Mitchell: No. Nope, I've always been very good at what I do.
Cameron: So then maybe what you're feeling is a little insecure about your work for the first time.
Mitchell: That's hogwash.
Cameron: As someone who's seen actual hogwash, I can assure you that it's not.

Quote from Alex

Alex: [aside to camera] My art teacher acts like I don't exist, but I have one last chance to impress him at our year-end art fair. A few students are doing living versions of famous paintings. I've chosen this one, and I'm using my own family. Brilliant, right? When I told him, he said, "That's nice, Alice." It's been a year. Alice? Really?

Quote from Luke

Claire: You? What's your problem?
Luke: Nothing. I'm just excited for tomorrow.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: I'm getting a medal at school because I put out a fire at school. Maybe that's what I should be when I grow up. A professional medal getter.

Quote from Haley

Phil: "Mitchell, "I can't tell you how hard- How hard this-" No, that's- No, it's not personal enough. [Haley sneaks in behind Phil's back] Okay, okay. "I can't tell you how hurt and angry this makes me, but you've been late too many times. I'll need your keys."
Haley: Daddy, no! I'm so sorry!
Phil: Honey, I didn't hear you come downstairs. You couldn't sleep, either?
Haley: Uh, yeah. No, there's just, like, a lot on my mind with graduation, and what to wear. How does this look?
Phil: Wait a second. You're carrying your shoes. How am I supposed to judge the whole outfit? Put 'em on.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: So make sure you give this menu here a good, thorough reading.
Gloria: Soup.
Jay: You didn't even look at it.
Gloria: Soup.
Jay: Check out what's below the soup. Sandwiches.
Gloria: Have you check out what is below this outfit? This doesn't come from sandwiches.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Look!
Gloria: "The Jay Pritchett"? I don't understand. They named you after a sandwich?
Jay: No! They named a sandwich after me!
Gloria: "Turkey, bacon, Swiss cheese, red peppers, anchovies on wheat"?
Jay: Most people would stop after the salty bacon, but I double down with the anchovies.
Gloria: Were you making a sandwich or attracting deer?

Quote from Gloria

Jay: I'm anxious to hear what you think. I see it growing on ya. It's like Maxine when she first tried it. You know, she-
Gloria: I don't like it.
Jay: You probably didn't get all-
Gloria: Jay, I try it. I don't like it.
Jay: That's all you can say?
Gloria: It tastes bad in my mouth. It's like a fish and a turkey beat themselves to death with a pepper.
Jay: Okay, fair enough. Maybe a little picky, though, from someone who prepared a Colombian specialty and said, "Why are you not eating the hooves? They're the best part."

Quote from Cameron

Haley: Oh, hey, Uncle Cam. Oh, thanks again for picking me up last night.
Cameron: You're welcome, but you have to be more careful.
Haley: I was the responsible one. Lisa was drinking, and I took her keys, and then-
Cameron: I understand. My senior year, I had a pretty crazy night myself involving a bottle of corn mash and an overturned plow.
Haley: Seriously?
Cameron: Yeah. You don't know terror until you've had to stare down the eyes of a Missouri State Trooper and talk your way out of a P.U.I.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I bailed. I made an excuse and left. But I-I-I've gotta be straight with him. "Phil, I cannot stay on with your firm forever." Oh! God, it's gonna crush him. Maybe I can get Claire to do it.

Quote from Phil

Phil: It's living art. We stay perfectly still for 90 seconds, basically doing nothing.
Skip Woosnum: Sounds like my first wife.
Matt Keneally: I don't know. She always moved for me.
Phil: As long as you both agree it was only 90 seconds. Two nerds with one stone! I love working in an office.

Quote from Phil

Phil: In fairness, you can be a little quick to give advice.
Claire: Well, I'm always ready to help, if that's what you mean, yeah.
Phil: Yeah, but if you're not careful, it can come off a little Know-it-all-y.
Claire: That's not a word. What you mean to say is, it can come off like I know it all. I've always been this way.
Phil: That's why I wanted to break up with you.

Quote from Gloria

Manny: I don't know why you're so bothered by Maxine. She's nice.
Gloria: Oh, good! Why don't you, Jay, and Maxine live together, eating sandwiches forever?!
Manny: Can I float a theory here, mom? You sound like you're jealous.
Gloria: Please! Me jealous of that woman? I just don't like the way they talk to each other! And the little jokes, and she knows everything about his life! Just makes me feel like, em... Is that jealous? Ay, my poor sisters.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Okay, how does this sound? "Mitchell, I love you very much, I not only love you, but admire you, and someday I hope to"-
Claire: Are you firing him or proposing to him?
Phil: Honey, this was supposed to be a part-time job. He was gonna be done in the summer anyway.
Claire: Just be direct.
Phil: I should have warned him. How do you tell someone they have a reputation for being lazy?
Claire: Mitchell? Lazy?
Phil: Yeah. Yeah. He handed in a couple of contracts late, but I didn't want to say anything because he's practically doing this for free. I can't do this! This isn't the face of a cold-blooded hatchet man. Will you do it?

Quote from Luke

Manny: I don't like this. We're not supposed to be in here.
Luke: Just keep a lookout! We're ten seconds away from creating luketonium.

Quote from Gloria

Maxine: Is this bum bothering you, miss?
Jay: Oh, I should get a picture of this. An actual waitress sighting in this dump.
Maxine: I took a chance and put in an order for your sandwich, although most people like their Jay Pritchetts to go.
Gloria: What's happening?
Jay: Gloria, it's Maxine.
Maxine: So you're married to Jay. Where'd you tie up your seeing eye dog?
Gloria: No, no, I'm not, um... Okay, I get it. I get it.

Quote from Jay

Maxine: Here's that number for that neck doctor I want you to see.
Jay: Thanks.
Gloria: What's wrong with your neck?
Maxine: For 30 years, I've been hearing it's a handball injury. But it always seems to get worse with stress. Maybe it's that audit he's got coming up.
Gloria: Audit?
Jay: It's nothing.
Maxine: Oh, isn't that cute? He doesn't want you to worry. Here's your sandwich. Now you should worry.
Jay: Look at it: my prettiest child.

Quote from Alex

Claire: Honey, you don't drink coffee.
Alex: I do when I've been up half the night worrying about a project that's only one-third done, and I still have an apron to sew, scenery to paint, plus my normal crushing workload. So, unless you have a better way for me to stimula- Oh, God. God, coffee's bitter.
Claire: That was your first sip?

Quote from Claire

Cameron: Okay, I got the chafing dish, salt and pepper shakers. Perfect matches, both. I may have to readjust my grapes.
Claire: Oh. Ow. I'll just give you a little privacy.

Quote from Cameron

Claire: Oh, it doesn't seem that she is redirecting her own energy as much as using a lot of ours.
Cameron: But do you see how she's slowly transitioning from the lights to the music?
Claire: Yeah. Yeah, I do. It's hard to believe there was ever a time when we just said, "Stop doing that." Oh. The garbage disposal. Lily, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Now let's redirect you into a nap, huh?
Cameron: Actually, we're doing this new thing where we let her tell us when she wants to take a nap. Uh- huh. It's called "Being your own Nap Captain."

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Here's my life. A full-time job, a 3-year-old, and a second one on the way. And as a favor, I agreed to do a little work for Phil's agency. The problem is, I'm very good, and the more I do, the more they want me. I-I even turned in a few assignments late so that they'd fall out of love with me a little bit. [scoffs] Right.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I am really sorry. About the cold coffee.
Mitchell: It's not that cold. It's lukewarm, so...
Phil: Funny story about that expression. When the kids were younger, um, we had a, uh, a wading pool-
Mitchell: Uh-huh.
Phil: And occasionally, Luke would have an accident, and, um, Alex would scream, and we'd say, um, "It's okay, honey, he's just making it lukewarm."

Quote from Luke

Manny: You're not a hero.
Luke: I put out a fire.
Manny: A fire you started.
Luke: Was there a fire?
Manny: Yes.
Luke: Did I put it out?
Manny: That's not-
Luke: Answer the question.
Manny: Yes.
Luke: I'm getting an award for it. If they gave awards for starting fires, I'd be getting one of those, too.

Quote from Manny

Manny: I know you have a conscience, Luke. Do you see this flag? It stands for justice. So when that fire marshall gets here, I know you're going to look at that flag and do the right thing. [salutes flag]

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Okay, fine. I don't say this, but it bothers me a little bit that you're just a tiny bit loud.
Gloria: Loud?
Jay: Not all the time. Only when you, you know, when you talk.
Gloria: So I embarrass you?
Jay: Gloria.
Gloria: What? Am I being too loud again?
Jay: All right. Buckle up.
Gloria: [softly] Oh, I'm gonna go and try to do the laundry, and I'm gonna do it very quietly so I don't bother you. Maybe Manny can help me. [loud, then soft] Manny!
Jay: I get it.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Okay, this is way too many grapes, and this spoon is modern day, so if we use it, everyone at the table has to react in shock at the spoon from the future.

Quote from Claire

Cameron: Oh, I got it. No, I got a finger on it. There it is. Oh, lost it again.
Claire: Maybe you should just wait until it comes to you. You know, make it the captain of its own spoon platoon.
Cameron: I understand the point you're making, Claire, but- Oh! Now I'm stuck.
Claire: Yeah, Cam, you are stuck. You are stuck on a philosophy that clearly doesn't work. Sometimes, you need to say "no" to a child.
Cameron: Yeah, and sometimes you need to say "no" to an adult. No, Claire. No, I don't need help raising my child.
Claire: Oh. Okay. Sorry. Guess I-I do have a lot to learn. Right now, I-I'm looking forward to learning if you will get your arm out of there before Lily gets to the garbage disposal switch.
Cameron: Um Lily, sweetie! C-can you do something, please, Claire?
Claire: I would like to. Really, I would, but I would probably just say "no" and shred her confidence and mangle her self-esteem.

Quote from Phil

Skip Woosnum: Is that your brother-in-law? I thought you fired him.
Phil: I did, before work.
Skip Woosnum: Then what's he doing here?
Matt Keneally: Is he disgruntled? He looks disgruntled.
Phil: No, he always looks like that.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Hey, could you jump on the elevator with me real quick?
Mitchell: Yes. Yes.
Phil: I could use a hand carrying up some stuff from my car. Oh! My goodness. I probably need some empty boxes, don't I? [stepping out of the elevator, doors closing] You know what? You head down, I'll meet you at the glass doors. There was something else. What was it? I know it's in there. Oh, yeah, you're fired.
Mitchell: What? F-fired?! W- What's going on with these things? You trying to open 'em?
Phil: Mm-hmm. I guess I better get somebody.
Mitchell: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait- You're firing me? I-I don't even like this job.
Phil: That can't be safe.
Realtor #1: Is someone trapped in there?
Realtor #2: The guy they fired.
Realtor #1: Oh, the lazy guy?

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Two hours I got stuck in there with an entire office of people staring at me. I finally had to lie down. Didn't help my reputation.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Hey, Manny. Thanks for what you said before about the flag. It really got me thinking.
Manny: I knew you had a conscience, Luke. And more importantly, you've got a good-
Luke: You didn't. Yep. And thanks to you, I had them move the ceremony to right under the flag. I'll sign a picture for you.

Quote from Phil

Mitchell: If we weren't gonna show up, we would have clearly let you know, and not humiliated you in public.
Phil: If it's any consolation, the lawyer we hired to replace you is already suing the elevator company.

Quote from Phil

Jay: And don't forget, afterwards, we're going to Lenny's for a bite to eat-- more than a bite if you value my feelings.
Claire: Oh! Great, we get to see Maxine.
Gloria: What? You know Maxine, too?
Mitchell: Oh, we all know Maxine.
Cameron: Love.
Phil: Second-best hugger in the world, after Mr. Burt Reynolds. Story to follow.

Quote from Luke

Manny: How do you sleep at night, Luke?
Luke: With a medal around my neck.

Quote from Cameron

Claire: Control your child, Cam. It's not that difficult. I've raised three.
Cameron: Really?
Gloria: Cam!
Cameron: Why don't you ask Haley what time she got home last night?
Haley: Uncle Cam!
Cameron: Sorry, dear. Collateral damage.

Quote from Manny

Claire: You can criticize my parenting all you like, Cam, but my son just won a medal.
Manny: For a fire he started.

Quote from Alex

Alex: [aside to camera] B-minus, but there was a silver lining. "I expected more, Alex." Alex!

Quote from Claire

Maxine: Hey, Luke! What's with all the hardware?
Claire: Well, he set fire to a school and lied about it.
Jay: You know they give medals for anything these days.
Claire: It's going back tomorrow. He doesn't get a lot of medals.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Hola, Maxine. So nice to see you.
Maxine: Let me get you some menus.
Gloria: We don't need it. It's Jay Pritchetts all around!
Jay: Gloria, if you want your sandwich without anchovies, I won't be offended. Of course, then it'll be a Jack Feldman.


 Episode 322 Episode 324