Season 3, Episode 23 - Aired May 16, 2012
When Alex gathers the whole family together for her "living art" project, everybody is at each other's throats. Jay is upset that Gloria doesn't like his sandwich at their local diner, Cameron and Claire disagree over parenting techniques, Phil is struggling to fire Mitchell, who's doing a favor for his real estate firm, and Manny is upset that Luke accepted an award under false pretenses.
Quote from Alex
Claire: Honey, do you think you're nervous because you've got a little crush on Mr. Jarvis?
Claire: Are you sure? Because I've seen the way you look at him-
Alex: Sounds like you're the one with the crush! I've just never had a teacher not like me before.
Phil: Well, Ms. Davis.
Alex: Please. She's a gym teacher. She is to teaching what Dr. Seuss is to medicine.
Claire: And to think she didn't like you.
Quote from Phil
Phil: [aside to camera] I'm a stress blinker, um, and what really gets me going is confrontation. I hate it. I-I avoid it at all costs. Terrible at it. Once, I, uh, I tried to break up with a girl, and I danced around it so much, she didn't know I had broken up with her. Twenty years later we're still married.
Quote from Claire
Claire: [aside to camera] Every new generation thinks they have cracked the code on child rearing. What's the latest theory? "Never say no." I say "no" every day in this house.
Phil: But at night, she's a "yes" machine.
Quote from Cameron
Mitchell: No, you have no idea what it feels like to be fired.
Cameron: Yes, I do. I've been fired. Everyone has.
Mitchell: Not me.
Mitchell: No. Nope, I've always been very good at what I do.
Cameron: So then maybe what you're feeling is a little insecure about your work for the first time.
Mitchell: That's hogwash.
Cameron: As someone who's seen actual hogwash, I can assure you that it's not.
Quote from Phil
Phil: It's living art. We stay perfectly still for 90 seconds, basically doing nothing.
Skip Woosnum: Sounds like my first wife.
Matt Keneally: I don't know. She always moved for me.
Phil: As long as you both agree it was only 90 seconds. Two nerds with one stone! I love working in an office.
Quote from Alex
Alex: [aside to camera] My art teacher acts like I don't exist, but I have one last chance to impress him at our year-end art fair. A few students are doing living versions of famous paintings. I've chosen this one, and I'm using my own family. Brilliant, right? When I told him, he said, "That's nice, Alice." It's been a year. Alice? Really?
Quote from Luke
Claire: You? What's your problem?
Luke: Nothing. I'm just excited for tomorrow.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: I'm getting a medal at school because I put out a fire at school. Maybe that's what I should be when I grow up. A professional medal getter.
Quote from Haley
Phil: "Mitchell, "I can't tell you how hard- How hard this-" No, that's- No, it's not personal enough. [Haley sneaks in behind Phil's back] Okay, okay. "I can't tell you how hurt and angry this makes me, but you've been late too many times. I'll need your keys."
Haley: Daddy, no! I'm so sorry!
Phil: Honey, I didn't hear you come downstairs. You couldn't sleep, either?
Haley: Uh, yeah. No, there's just, like, a lot on my mind with graduation, and what to wear. How does this look?
Phil: Wait a second. You're carrying your shoes. How am I supposed to judge the whole outfit? Put 'em on.
Quote from Gloria
Jay: So make sure you give this menu here a good, thorough reading.
Jay: You didn't even look at it.
Jay: Check out what's below the soup. Sandwiches.
Gloria: Have you check out what is below this outfit? This doesn't come from sandwiches.
Quote from Jay
Gloria: "The Jay Pritchett"? I don't understand. They named you after a sandwich?
Jay: No! They named a sandwich after me!
Gloria: "Turkey, bacon, Swiss cheese, red peppers, anchovies on wheat"?
Jay: Most people would stop after the salty bacon, but I double down with the anchovies.
Gloria: Were you making a sandwich or attracting deer?