‘Great Expectations’
Season 1, Episode 8 - Aired November 18, 2009
Claire feels bad when Phil showers her with great gifts on their anniversary, so she arranges a private performance of "their song" by the musician Izzy LaFontaine. When the kids have a sleepover at Jay and Gloria's house, Haley spends the evening trying to escape. Meanwhile, Cameron and Mitchell reunite with their old party friend, Sal, who's having trouble adjusting to them as parents.
Quote from Sal
Cameron: I'm just gonna go check on Lily real quick.
Sal: Right now?
Cameron: Yeah. It'll just take a second.
Sal: Well, I'm just- You're gonna miss me sluttin' it up with Driving Miss Daisy.
Cameron: It'll just take a second. Real fast.
Sal: You should kill that baby.
Mitchell: What?
Sal: You should call the baby. I love you guys so much.
Cameron: Did she just-
Mitchell: I'm scared.
Quote from Jay
Manny: Is Haley still coming?
Jay: You're related. I will spray you with the hose.
Quote from Manny
Jay: [o.s.] P.j.'s on, Haley!
Haley: What?
Manny: Um, I would be happy to let her change in my room.
[Jay sprays Manny with water]
Quote from Phil
Phil: I am so excited. Hey. Coupons for five free hugs.
Claire: You don't like it?
Phil: Are you kidding me? I love it. It's so creative. Coupons for hugs, which are usually free. But this makes it official, which is so great.
Claire: I was so proud of myself when I thought of it because you're impossible to buy for. You never want anything.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Um, things I want: Robot dog, night-vision goggles, bug vacuum, G.P.S. watch, speakers that look like rocks. I love my wife, but she sucks at giving gifts. I'm sorry for the pay-channel language, but- Oh, yogurt maker. I can't not think of things I want.
Quote from Phil
Claire: [aside to camera] Phil loves Spandau Ballet. That song "True" was playing in the car the first time we kissed. It's our song. So I did some research, found out that the lead guitarist lives, like, 40 miles from here. He was in the phone book. How '80s is that?
[separately to camera:]
Phil: I never liked Spandau Ballet. Our entire marriage, I never once mentioned Spandau Ballet. Am I even pronouncing that right?
Quote from Cameron
Cameron: I can't tell if she needs a diaper change.
Mitchell: Well, I'd think we'd be able to tell.
Cameron: No, with these diapers, it's hard to tell. Triple leakage protection.
Mitchell: LeakLock. Contours to protect her little body.
Cameron: No gapping or chapping.
Mitchell: Cam, do you think that maybe we need a-
Cameron: Night out.
Mitchell: Yeah. Yeah.
Quote from Jay
Jay: [aside to camera] All the grandkids are coming over for Jay's Night. Family tradition. Everybody wears p.j.'s, which they love. I make my famous sloppy jays, which are really sloppy joes but made by Jay, which they love. And then we all watch a Western together, which they don't really care for, but hey, it's Jay's Night.
Quote from Alex
Alex: I can't wait to go to Grandpa's. Family means everything to me.
Haley: 'Cause you have no friends.
Alex: No. Because I love Grandpa. And he's getting older. Who knows how many years he has left?
Luke: Is Grandpa dying?
Alex: Didn't they tell you?
Claire: Alex, stop torturing your brother. No. Your grandfather is fine.
Alex: [quietly] For now.
Quote from Jay
Manny: Well, hello there, Haley.
Jay: Take it down a notch, Jethro.
Quote from Luke
Jay: So, you guys ready for some fun? What?
Luke: [hugging Jay] I love you, Grandpa, and I'm never gonna forget you.
Jay: Okay, okay. Back at ya, champ.