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42Quotes from ‘Great Expectations’

Modern Family: Great Expectations

108. Great Expectations

Aired November 18, 2009

Claire feels bad when Phil showers her with great gifts on their anniversary, so she arranges a private performance of "their song" by the musician Izzy LaFontaine. When the kids have a sleepover at Jay and Gloria's house, Haley spends the evening trying to escape. Meanwhile, Cameron and Mitchell reunite with their old party friend, Sal, who's having trouble adjusting to them as parents.

Quote from Sal

Cameron: I'm just gonna go check on Lily real quick.
Sal: Right now?
Cameron: Yeah. It'll just take a second.
Sal: Well, I'm just- You're gonna miss me sluttin' it up with Driving Miss Daisy.
Cameron: It'll just take a second. Real fast.
Sal: You should kill that baby.
Mitchell: What?
Sal: You should call the baby. I love you guys so much.
Cameron: Did she just-
Mitchell: I'm scared.

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Quote from Jay

Manny: Is Haley still coming?
Jay: You're related. I will spray you with the hose.

Quote from Manny

Jay: [o.s.] P.j.'s on, Haley!
Haley: What?
Manny: Um, I would be happy to let her change in my room.
[Jay sprays Manny with water]

Quote from Phil

Phil: I am so excited. Hey. Coupons for five free hugs.
Claire: You don't like it?
Phil: Are you kidding me? I love it. It's so creative. Coupons for hugs, which are usually free. But this makes it official, which is so great.
Claire: I was so proud of myself when I thought of it because you're impossible to buy for. You never want anything.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Um, things I want: Robot dog, night-vision goggles, bug vacuum, G.P.S. watch, speakers that look like rocks. I love my wife, but she sucks at giving gifts. I'm sorry for the pay-channel language, but- Oh, yogurt maker. I can't not think of things I want.

Quote from Phil

Claire: [aside to camera] Phil loves Spandau Ballet. That song "True" was playing in the car the first time we kissed. It's our song. So I did some research, found out that the lead guitarist lives, like, 40 miles from here. He was in the phone book. How '80s is that?
[separately to camera:]
Phil: I never liked Spandau Ballet. Our entire marriage, I never once mentioned Spandau Ballet. Am I even pronouncing that right?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I can't tell if she needs a diaper change.
Mitchell: Well, I'd think we'd be able to tell.
Cameron: No, with these diapers, it's hard to tell. Triple leakage protection.
Mitchell: LeakLock. Contours to protect her little body.
Cameron: No gapping or chapping.
Mitchell: Cam, do you think that maybe we need a-
Cameron: Night out.
Mitchell: Yeah. Yeah.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] All the grandkids are coming over for Jay's Night. Family tradition. Everybody wears p.j.'s, which they love. I make my famous sloppy jays, which are really sloppy joes but made by Jay, which they love. And then we all watch a Western together, which they don't really care for, but hey, it's Jay's Night.

Quote from Alex

Alex: I can't wait to go to Grandpa's. Family means everything to me.
Haley: 'Cause you have no friends.
Alex: No. Because I love Grandpa. And he's getting older. Who knows how many years he has left?
Luke: Is Grandpa dying?
Alex: Didn't they tell you?
Claire: Alex, stop torturing your brother. No. Your grandfather is fine.
Alex: [quietly] For now.

Quote from Jay

Manny: Well, hello there, Haley.
Jay: Take it down a notch, Jethro.

Quote from Luke

Jay: So, you guys ready for some fun? What?
Luke: [hugging Jay] I love you, Grandpa, and I'm never gonna forget you.
Jay: Okay, okay. Back at ya, champ.

Quote from Joe

Haley: I need to talk to you about something.
Alex: She wants to go to a party with Dylan, Grandpa.
Haley: Shut up, Alex. It's at my friend Andrew Adler's. He lives three blocks from here.
Jay: Oh. Walking distance.
Haley: Right. So I wouldn't ask you this, because I love coming to your house, but it's kind of an important party, and I-
Jay: Somebody invites you over, the last thing you wanna do is insult them.
Haley: Exactly.
Jay: I'm glad we agree.
Haley: [laughs] Oh, my God. That was so easy. This is awesome.
Alex: You really don't understand what just happened there, do you?

Quote from Jay

[As Haley sneaks out of Jay's house, he's suddenly in the backyard working on a light fixture]
Jay: Hi, honey.
Haley: Oh! Gee, you scared me. How did you-
Jay: Lightbulb went out. You don't change these right away, you never get around to it. There. Now I can see everything that goes on around here.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I've had a little practice at this. Haley wasn't throwing anything at me I hadn't seen before from her mother and then some. But nobody gets off The Rock.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Yeah, I think she said "kill," Cam. I do.
Cameron: Maybe it was just a joke. She's always had a dark sense of humor.
Mitchell: That's true. Remember her Halloween costume?
Cameron: When she came as Siegfried and part of Roy.
Mitchell: It was too soon.

Quote from Luke

Jay: But you know what? You try to put something over on me, you're gonna lose.
Gloria: So, what? Now you're gonna make this into a big game?
Jay: I'm trying to keep 'em around a little bit longer, that's all. I mean, who knows how many nights like this I got left?
Luke: [hugging Jay] I miss you already.
Jay: What's wrong with this kid tonight? Go in the kitchen and help out the guys, and I'll be right in.

Quote from Manny

Dylan: What's that smell?
Jay: Sloppy Jays. Help yourself. There's plenty left.
Dylan: Oh. Sloppy jays because your name's Jay. Right on.
Manny: Can't believe she's into this guy.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] Sal is our very best friend in the whole wide world. The reason we love her so much is she has absolutely no inhibitions.
Mitchell: No.
Cameron: And that's before she starts drinking. Hanging out with her is like an Amsterdam Saturday night every day of the week.
Mitchell: And, ironically, Sal's not allowed back into Amsterdam.
Cameron: Any day of the week.


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